I was thinking that it might help my H if he could read just how it feels to be betrayed. I want to print something out and show it to him. He seems willing enough to listen, but just doesn't GET IT. Any threads you all can think of?

The best description I've read so far,,,,,An Apology Letter from my Husband,,by Crushed,,,<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003000.html</A>

Originally posted October 1999....<BR>hope this may shed some light...<P>"LETTER TO MY HUSBAND"<P><BR>"This if so monumental to me right<BR> now,Trying to face,<BR> understand, and assimilate all this and carry on a life at the same time,<P> : I think I'm going to have to write stuff down because I'm all over the place and I<BR> need to get some<BR> focus real soon, because strength is good and all that, but I need to be able to<BR> function again and not<BR> exist in this bizarre grey, hazy place.....I was not prepared for the soul-hurt aspect of<BR> this...I just so<BR> desperately wish that you had not done this for as long as you did, heat of the<BR> moment,<BR> non-emotional sex, even an, "I was down in the dumps and needed comfort, but ended<BR> up in bed"<BR> scenario, I could deal with any of these, for some bizarre reason, (considering what our<BR> marriage was like<BR> and BOTH our parts in its demise), I keep coming back to the fact that it lasted all<BR> July, August and<BR> September and only ended the week before our "revealing" talk in the car (October 5),<BR> it doesn't<BR> cut, that kind of pain, it,......um,...rips.<P> I want to allow some part of me to hate you but am having some<BR> trouble with that right now..........did you ever look forward to getting away from me<BR> so you could go and<BR> be with her?, these types of things matter to me, I don't know why.... are you just<BR> telling me what I need to<BR> hear.........I don't know how much of you is dedicated to protecting yourself right<BR> now...<P> I know you will sincerely try to put hings right, and I'm almost afraid of the power that<BR> puts itself in my hands....revenge would be<BR> a brief, trivial non-thought, (but probably extremely violent would I allow myself to<BR> think in that<BR> direction...I need to forge a life with you...she, however, could be crushed by a<BR> garbage truck, and I<BR> think I would have a hard time feeling ANYTHING), but alas, these visualisations are not<BR> an option when trying to<BR> start a new life....<P> I didn't deserve this, really, I did not deserve this, <P> : Do you hear me - no matter WHAT. <BR> : mood swings, attitude, anger, bitterness, stresses, <P> : I did not deserver this. I did not deserve this. I did not deserve this. I did not<BR> deserve this. <P> : this is not my fault. this is not my fault. this is not my fault.<P> : You want so desperately to make this up to me, and I don't know how you possibly<BR> ever could.<BR> There is no excuse for this is my personal "morals file". I know how to leave, (previous<BR> cheating boyfriends - what?, is stupid written in neon over my forehead?..somebody<BR> tell me..)<P> : this is the first time I've decided to stay.....leaving is easy.....staying and starting<BR> over, that's hard.<BR> Getting to know each other again , from a fresh start aspect, you want to atone, you<BR> need to win<BR> back alot of things... I don't know.....I feel like I don't know anything anymore..I think<BR> we should<BR> share a house, and see where that goes before making any concrete plans...<P> : from this moment forth, if you ever find yourself feeling microbes of feelings for<BR> another human<BR> being in emotional/sexual ways, you will talk, right away, this can never ever,<BR> happen.....this is like<BR> death for me.......you have hurt me in ways that I can't verbally express yet...I mean,<BR> you had a great<BR> analogy the other night...I would cut my left leg off for you, and crawl across a<BR> desert..of course I<BR> would have...you fu#%* idiot...I LOVED YOU.....<P> ....and you wasted that, ignored it and selfishly, feeling like a hurt little boy, found the<BR> desire and the passion you found lacking in your own life....with someone who just<BR> happened to "want you"....what a crock---you big baby.....oh, poor, sensitive boy, you<BR> give yourself excuses to justify<BR> behaviours at the time and conveniently forget them when confronted...I have never<BR> been this dissappointed in another human being ever in my life - This is coming out a<BR> little harsher than I<BR> expected, <P> but I am NOT SORRY.......oh my, ....<P> there is so much anger in me directed at you right now, or rather , centered on<BR> you....yet, overwhelming love for you at the same time now that you appear to be<BR> really "present" here, and willing to share in the work that a relationship is, you can't<BR> just show up suddenly and decide to be present in your life, (earlier this summer)and<BR> expect the wife you never hear, see, talk to, experience, connect with, be intimate<BR> with...sex, yes, but where was the<BR> "intimacy"?...(you were depleting it at her house!!)to want grab you, be suddenly filled<BR> with desire and seduce you in the bathroom, just to be spontaneous!!, can you see<BR> what I mean,.....you have to bring about the desire, with<BR> your actions, words, with your very prescence...not by leaving at 7 or 8 am, not<BR> coming home until 9<BR> regurlarly, 10 occaisionaly, and 11 and later sometimes...and expect me to stay sane<BR> with 2 kids, a roomate that is unemployed, a new house to fix and organize, the garage<BR> sale thing, the crazy ex-wife of yours...how can you be a parent when you are not<BR> here....how can I want you when I never see<BR> you, but know that there is suddenly talk of this one particular woman who suddenly<BR> appears out of<BR> nowhere and is suddenly enmeshed in our lives...<P> (ya, what a great friend she was to you, what a great person to talk to...thanks for<BR> the work, the referrals, the great deal on the new computer...the<BR> watch, the socks, too bad about you being a lesbian...wait, you want to try a man?<BR> here, let me help<BR> you..come on, you moron...)....<P> what did you do all summer (here, in our lives) that ever once really deserved the level<BR> of lust, want and desire that you say you wanted and needed from me?....or a really<BR> good<BR> dirty ........ I know these are things you value highly sexually speaking...<P> with you out at her place every so<BR> often.....getting your ego stroked, lying to me, to ur children, to your friends, having<BR> them lie....when did you deserve to get the woman at home that<BR> you've got now.....look at your own behaviors all summer and tell me when I should<BR> have been filled with great want, desire or even love for you....getting home at 10,<BR> then sitting down, eating a meal I would cook for you, to have you go sit in the office<BR> at the computer and play computer games with<BR> your online budies..or the roomate...or be doing more odd-jobs until 11 pm at her<BR> place......leaving me to clean the mess and wonder where the hell the<BR> helpful husband was today, because this guy certainly was not him.....you preferred to<BR> sit there in front of the computer rather than come to bed with me, going to sleep<BR> alone sucks man, <P> you were not doing anything that<BR> contributed to my feeling very amourous or loving to you.....you would forget that I<BR> would ask you for things on the way home...you think I should not be angry and<BR> despairing of your love for us when<BR> you forget, ....I f%&*$ng wept that night in the kitchen, leaned over the counter and<BR> wept because we meant so little to you that you would forget food for your child..our<BR> child...and now, knowing that of<BR> course you weren't focused on us then, you were focussed on the concealment of<BR> everything, and the fact that the boiling pot of our lives was about to overboil and<BR> explode is the reason you finally stopped it,<BR> not because you love me and what you did was wrong.....or am I interpreting it<BR> wrong...I see things<BR> from far too many perspectives and I think its taking its toll on my mental state. ****.<BR> I can't even imagine how any of this can make sense to you...they must seem like the<BR> ramblings of a madwoman....I just found myself overwhelmingly disappointed in you<BR> starting around July, no matterwhat I did, you were just "not here"....a heaviness in my<BR> heart that the end was coming, and I alone could not stop it, I needed your help and<BR> you were unavailable to me, getting home too late to effectively discuss<BR> anything....you gave up on us, and didn't bother to try,...you were selfish...rather than<BR> live in your life, you took the fantasy and gave<BR> yourself permission to be missing in your life......simply, this would have had a chance<BR> then, you idiot,<BR> if you had sat down and said...I am really close to having sex with #%&$^%&, or I'm<BR> finding that I am getting too inbolved here, ... you would have effected the change<BR> you were seeking all along,<BR> because then, you would never have had a need for her....I would have shown you<BR> how you were acting, how your expectations of positive change could not be met<BR> within the lifestyle you were living<BR> then - you were unrealistic and unreasonable to think I would miraculously change with<BR> you behaving<BR> the way you did all summer.....<P> : I don't know who you are anymore...she took you away for a long time....everything I<BR> once held<BR> true....things I KNEW about you, things I would bet my life and our child's on, are now<BR> suddenly<BR> gone, this is a mind-rape like no other,....I can't stop the shaking when you are not<BR> here....<P> but am I willing to bet the rest of my life now on the belief that you are now telling the<BR> truth.....? Trust is such a<BR> bizarre thing that I can't even go into that right now.<P> : ..do you see how easy it can be...how easy it could have been back in july....don't<BR> you just want to<BR> kick yourself....<P><BR> : I have to go now...I'm hoping for greater clarity soon, and less bitterness<P> : I love you <P> <P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Honey, are you SURE?????<P>I happen to know that just because Robert doesn't talk about it much, he is VERY much aware of the horrible pain this mess caused us. It hurts his heart so very deeply. It could be that your H is too...if I remember right, he's trying like crazy right now, right?<P>That's how he lets you know he understands. Do you really think he's clueless or do you need to know he's feeling guilty and suffering for your OWN benefit? Hey, I can say that 'cause I was THERE!!!! <P>You'll have to trust me on this one. He's been punished...he doesn't need more and neither do you. I know it seems to you right now that he can NEVER fully make up to you the pain he caused and that he can never fully understand it.....part of that is true. Just as you can never really understand his suffering in all this mess. But, listen, the best way for him to "make up" is to help you build a happy and wonderful marriage that will last a lifetime. And, for me anyway, I've discovered that's all I really need.<P>I think if he were clueless, he wouldn't be putting forth such an effort. Please don't throw guilt in his face, Hon. It's a big mistake and will impede YOUR healing as well as his. <P>I know how hard it is....how much it hurts. But now's the time for you to take POSITIVE action...that's how you will make the pain go away. I promise....it's the only thing that works.<P>Hang in there...read and learn.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori