momma,<P>I don't want this to sound harsh. You have been supportive to me and i thank you for that. But I don't think you CAN handle just being 'friends' with him. As long as there is contact and you have love in your heart for him, there is still an EA going on, just maybe not a PA. And if it goes on long enough, it could get physical again. Is that what you want.<P>To me, it sounded like an alocoholic saying "I'll just have one drink. It's OK. I can handle it."<P>You're fooling yourself if you think you can handle it. I think you know that. It's just so painful to think of him never being in your life again that you convince yourself that you can handle it. (I know, I've been there. Still there to some extent.)<P>Does your H know that you talk to him? how you feel about wanting to be friends with him?<P>Keep praying, momma. Pray for the strength to be ready to let go.

Hey, don't apologize to me! Like I said, been there, done that. I'm only saying that I went through the 'being friends' with OM thing more times than either one of us could count, and every single time, every single time, every single time, it did not work. I would always know the point at which the relationship was moving away from 'friends' back to 'relationship', and you will too. I've come to the conclusion, after all these years, that no friendship is worth all the pain that came with my 'friendship' with OM. I don't know how long it will take you, but I think you'll come to that conclusion someday also. <P>You don't need to reply here, but I'm wondering what you are talking about when he called you yesterday and today? If you are saying ANYTHING at all that you wouldn't want your H to hear, then you are not being 'just friends'. I hope this doesn't come across wrong, I'm not judging your actions! Just giving you something to think about....<P>

momma,<P>I have never posted to you, but have read your posting as well as those of sifted, wings, and of course tamis who I have corresponded with in the past. I am going to tell you just what the others have told you.<P>You cannot have OM as a friend period end of story. Why? Because you have a baby, that is OM's. You state that he looks like OM and it brings thoughts of OM back to you. Well, how do you think your H feels. He has eyes too. He will be reminded that this child is not his and was the product of your affair for the rest of his life.<P>YET, he has agreed to love you and love this child. Why? Because he is weak and can't take it? Momma, I have known a lot of strong brave men in my life, but it is hard for me to imagine anything harder to do than what your H is doing.<P>And then you post you don't think he can take you talking with him about OM. The slimy [censored] is trying to steal you from a man with the dedication your H has shown and you won't even tell your H? Woman, don't you know a real man when you see one?<P>It is time to show a little respect for your H. Tell him what is going on. If you love your H as you continually state, it is time you joined his side on this matter and stood together against the OM. <P>I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I know it is blunt, but in your pain and confusion you are missing some very vital things. You are married to an extraordinary man. Help him!<P>I hope this causes you to think abit.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

momma:<P>What I meant was is the OP involved with your child in any way? Sorry for the confusion!!<P>Bighope

Momma,<P>I'm not screaming at you. You are honest about where you are at - and that is the most important thing. I admire your honesty. It is easy on these boards to portray any kind of image we want, to mislead people. You are upfront and honest. I like that. I won't scream at you, just think of it more as "coming alongside" and encouraging you (nudging you and sometimes "putting a bee in your bonnet") to do what is best for your good and everyone else's.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bighope:<BR><B>momma:<P>What I meant was is the OP involved with your child in any way? Sorry for the confusion!!<P>Bighope</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, he's not. He knows my H has been the father of my child since he was born. He doesn't want to make things more complicated by trying to see the child. Which is fine w/me, because as I said, my H is his father. Besides, he would have to go through court, pay child support, etc. to see the child, and I don't think he's bound to do that. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tamis:<BR><B>You don't need to reply here, but I'm wondering what you are talking about when he called you yesterday and today? If you are saying ANYTHING at all that you wouldn't want your H to hear, then you are not being 'just friends'. I hope this doesn't come across wrong, I'm not judging your actions! Just giving you something to think about....<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We haven't discussed anything that I wouldn't want my H to hear. This morning he was just telling me what's been going on in his life. No I love you's or I want you's, etc. The point is, though, that my H HATES the OM and doesn't want anything to do w/him, and he thinks I should feel the same.

JL, Yes your post was very blunt but very true. It does help me to open my eyes and think. The actions I take may not reflect that. <P>I know I'm betraying my H even just talking to OM. I can't justify it with any kind of response, because I know I'm wrong.<P>TruthSeeker, I know you're right, too. No, my H does not know I talk to XOM, for reasons I explained above. No, he wouldn't want me talking to him at all. And you're right about an alcoholic saying, "I'll just have one drink." I'm trying to get to the point to let go, and I know I'm only making it worse. Just trying to figure out where the h*** I am at. Thanks for your words of help. They are very true, and I'm definitely agreeing w/you. Just need to figure it out....<P><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 22, 2000).]

momma:<P>I think your husband is awesom for being his father. <P>It is sad for any parent not wanting to be part of their childs life. I recently have gone through court for my son and his father (after eight years) wanting to start seeing him. <P>Just read you last sentence and think of your son. Meaning who is there now and who will be there in his life later.<P>You are being brave and telling us of your feelings. I wish the best for you, I don't want you to feel like I am flaming you anyway, it is just concern for everyone involved.<P>Bighope

momma,<P>I want to add something else. Your OM is now pursueing you. He has called twice. At some point he will mess up and your H will find out that this has been going on. How will he react? How will he feel? <P>As you said you are betraying your H even now with the OM. You run a very large chance of losing your H and perhaps more. Do you think the OM will be as good a father to your other children as your H is trying to be to OM's?<P>I realize you are in withdrawal (actually technically you are no longer in withdrawal since you are in contact with OM), but through your pain can't you see just a little of what your H is going through? Can't you see that your other two children may lose their father because of your actions?<P>Momma you are very honest and Yes, even eloquent, in your descriptions of your feelings, fears, pain, and hope. Is it so hard to see that your H probably suspects more than he is letting on. Is it so hard to see that unless it becomes you and your H as a team, your marriage is doomed. The OM cannot be your friend, there is simply too much between you.<P>I am not going to be stupid enough to ask you to make a choice between OM and your H. I suspect you would make the wrong choice, but I will suggest to you that if you keep this up: not talking to H about your feeling and the contact, fixating on the OM, wanting to keep OM as a friend, then you may not end up with a choice about your marriage.<P>You have been most fortunate to date. Most of the decisions have been yours. Your H allowed you to decide to be in the marriage, by his acceptance of another man's child and his acceptance of you. Your OM is not allowing you to make decisions. His contact with you was definitely unwarrented. Ultimately, you will have no decision to make. Your H will find out sooner or later as the OM gets bolder. You may not like his choice nor the final outcome of the divorce.<P>Please keep posting and listening. But the time you have for your future to be in your hands and not someone elses is growing short. Make the right decision for yourself and for your children. So far you have only pretended to decide.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Well, I really am whining now. I just got had the pleasure of running into a lovely person who slept w/my H a couple of years ago. I didn't even look at the sweetheart. What a day this has been!!!!! I swear, I'm being tested for all I'm worth. (And that's not much these days).<P><BR>JL, <BR>You are soooo right in all that you're telling me. I can't argue one bit. Although it hits a sore spot, it means so much to me to read it. The part you said about it not being in my hands much longer is also true, that really hits home. I know as well as you do that my H is not going to put up w/much more. That's why I kept telling him I don't deserve him, that he deserves someone who could be true to him ALWAYS. But he told me, "No, (my name), you just don't want to be w/me. It's not a matter of who deserves who." <P>You said, "I am not going to be stupid enough to ask you to make a choice between OM and your H. I suspect you would make the wrong choice, but I will suggest to you that if you keep this up: not talking to H about your feeling and the contact, fixating on the OM, wanting to keep OM as a friend, then you may not end up with a choice about your marriage."<P>I've already made the choice, and I chose my H. All three of us know that. But like you also said, I need to actually decide, I have only pretended to decide. That's a very significant statement. And I also think it's the withdrawal that has put me back in contact. That withdrawal is the HARDEST thing to conquer, and I truly believe that's why I flop back and forth. I have decided I want to be w/my H. I DO want that. I guess I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it, too. That sounds awful, but it's probably true. I know I can't have it both ways, but that doesn't mean I haven't tried to have it both ways. If you've ever had an emotional attachment to an OP, then you can understand how VERY difficult this is. I know some people say, "Just get over it." It's not that easy. I am trying to come to a conclusion, hopefully this will be soon. Like you said, if my H finds out, I may have no choice. And I don't want to be in that position. <P>Thank you for your comments, they are helpful. I will continue reading and posting.<BR>

Momma,<P>Most everyone who reads here knows that the withdrawal is very difficult. That is why if you read the Harley material, he has you do things. Send a letter with your spouse to OM, don't contact OM, spend at least 15 hours a week with your spouse, talk with your spouse. By doing this things you begin to handle the withdrawal. It keeps you active and your mind on other things to some extent.<P>These suggestions also tend to focus you on your H rather than the OM. Then as time moves on, your H becomes more prominate in your life and the OM recedes. What you may not realize is that Plan A is to some extent exactly the same thing for the betrayed. In doing the things in Plan A, the betrayed is improving themself, but also not focussing on the pain of the betrayal. Then time passes and they can heal. <P>However, the actions are not just busy work, they help the couple reconnect to one another. You cannot reconnect with H, if you don't talk to him about the one most significant thing on your mind, the OM.<P>So yes, the withdrawal is difficult, but it can be helped by consciously letting your H into your life again. As you said you have wanted you cake and eat it too. <P>Everyone wants that, one thing or the other happens. You eat too much cake and your stomach hurts plus you have no more cake, or the cake spoils. <P>Momma, my post to you is to get you to see, that you have an H, that seems willing to make the most of this disaster and rebuild the marriage. He is willing to accept another man's child. Go read on the site here about how much trouble women are having dealing with the idea of an OC, and you may get the idea. You have posted there you know. My question really is do realize how lucky you are? I hope someday soon you do.<P>Oh! I know your H is not a saint. In fact because he has been on the other side of this, he apparently has some understanding of what you are going through. All the more reason to talk with him.<P>You know what the hardest part for me would have been in this whole thing? It would be the recognition that you had many choices about this child when it was conceived, but probably a significant factor in your choice to keep the child was that it was the OM's and not the H's. I am really amazed at some like your H or K who posts here.<P>Keep thinking and posting momma, but just realize that action will help you through withdrawal faster than anything. Think about that.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Momma: Life can be a drag sometimes, but you are strong and you can handle it! I have faith in you. Hold your head up, pat yourself on the back and say to yourself, "Hell! I've had worse and I got through it. I am going to get through it again. Yeah! I'm cool!"

I need one of those t-shirts Tamis was talking about. "Been there, Done that, etc, etc, etc...."

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>You know what the hardest part for me would have been in this whole thing? It would be the recognition that you had many choices about this child when it was conceived, but probably a significant factor in your choice to keep the child was that it was the OM's and not the H's. I am really amazed at some like your H or K who posts here. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure I know what you mean by this statement. Are you saying I wouldn't haven't wanted the child if it had been my H's? That I should have gotten rid of the child just because it was the OM's? I'm confused. I don't think I'd have as much attachment to the OM if I hadn't had this little one. That may sound like a cop out, but it's true. I think the fact that my little one looks so much like OM makes it that much harder.<P>Yes, your right about how wonderful my H is. He's a truly good person. I know I'm VERY lucky to have him. So, why would I take that risk of losing him? I don't know, sometimes the as the saying goes, "You don't know what ya got 'til it's gone." I don't want to face that. So, get my a** in gear, right? Yes, you're right. I honestly can't tell you what my problem is, I don't know. I promise you that I am doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching. Thank you, again. <P>

Thank you, sobeit! <P>Yeah, I need one of those t-shirts, too. Guess I'm the stupid one, I've already been down this road a few times. Maybe I'll learn one of these days.<P>

mommma,<P>I just want to pat you on the back for being so honest. I don't think I was this honest, even with MYSELF, when I was where you are now. Be proud of at least that!

momma,<P>I didn't mean anything about you at all, just thinking out load, about what I would have thought had I been in your H's shoes. Sorry to confuse you or hurt you. It wasn't my intent, that is for sure.<P>The problem with the situation you are in is that it doesn't make sense. That is why the "obvious" decisions are so hard to act on. I've learned that much reading here. But do try some actions such as Harley mentions. It may cause some pain initially but you will find yourself growing closer to your H. This is a situation you cannot really "think" yourself out of.<P>I mean you already knew it was wrong to begin with. You know your feelings are wrong now. There is nothing really "right" about it, but there you are. So "thinking" you can think yourself out of it is not really right. You need to "act" yourself out of it. Do the things you know are right.<P>It seems as if sifted is coming to that insight as well.<P>Hang in there momma, you can do this.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you, TL and Tamis. I'm still reading!!!