Just wanted to say hello! You asked how Sifted and I were doing on another post earlier. I thought I'd let you know, doing pretty good! I've been feeling really pleasant and positive this week. I think the more time my H and I get to spend together, the better I feel. <P>Did you read that I saw XOM on the road last week (close up)? It hardly even phased me! I felt a little sad, but not heart broken or devastated! I felt so proud of myself! Still occassionally wonder how he's doing, but it's not consuming me. It seems to be certain times of the month that I dwell on him, and I haven't figured out which times those are yet! Otherwise, I'm doing great--knock on wood. I say that now, then later I get depressed! <P>One possible (small) obstacle coming up, though. Thought I'd get your opinion. My H is going to start working nights again. Just 3 days on, 3 days off 2pm to 2am. This may give way to a little temptation (meaning telephone calls). I think I'm strong enough <BR>to handle this, do you? Actually, lately when he's not home at night, I usually spend time here on MB. It has become a lifeline for me, too. I guess if I think about XOM, I can just hop online and come here! Good idea, huh?! It was just something to think about. <P>How are you doing? Everything going alright? Let me know how you are.<P>

Hi Momma...<BR>I'm so proud of you...you sound like you're doing very well. How long has it been since you and XOM communicated? <P>I'm having some good some bad days. I so wish my husband and I could connect. He's a great guy. <BR>Did you struggle with that too? That feeling like you weren't close with your husband and don't know how to learn to be. We've never really bonded in an intense way. He's a great guy, but not very deep or intense on an emotional level. I'm still trying to learn how to experience that with him. <BR>

Hi Wings and Momma!<P>Your posts were encouraging. Nice to know you are having some good days, staying the course and feeling stronger. I have good moments also, especially enjoying my children. But, I had a few setbacks (few phone calls), so now I guess I have to start all over again. I was thinking today that each day is full of hundreds of times of saying "No" to those urges to contact. You might say "No" 99 times, but then one time give in and you start all over again. Sigh.<P>Of course, there are no excuses, but my situation might be a little like yours, Wings, (especially what you wrote: "We've never really bonded in an intense way. He's a great guy, but not very deep or intense on an emotional level. I'm still trying to learn how to experience that with him"). So, that makes it hard. My husband is trying, but I'm not sure we will be able to relate in a deeper way that I desire ( a lot of this may just be personalities). It is much like some on these boards who wish their spouses were more passionate in a sexual way. They can express that to their spouse and their spouse may even want to try to fill that need, but may always be somewhat limited just because of their personality and make-up.<P>Which brings me to a topic I have been thinking about. The EN questionaire is helpful, but it doesn't mean your spouse will be able to fill your most important ENs at the intensity you desire. Certainly one can try to learn and stretch in those areas, but a "non-verbal" person (for example) just won't be able to speak as eloquently/clearly as one who is very verbally adept. Some people are deep thinkers and some simply are not (difference between "breath" and "depth" in the personalities).I am not making a judgement on either type, simply stating that the differences do exist. There comes a point, where we each have to accept those limitations (which we all have in different areas) and be willing to receive whatever our spouse can give. I guess that is where trust comes in, that GOD knows what we need and will provide it in His own righteous way.<P>Anyway, each of you encourage me with your determination and perseverance. Press on!<P>------------------<BR>"Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers."

Hi Sifted...<P>Good to hear from you too! <BR>Yes...our situations do sound quite alike! You mentioned the "99" times you say no to that call...or email..then bam...the last time you cave. Boy do I understand that. How long since the two of you "ended" it? What's the longest amount of time you've not communicated with OM? <P>It's hard for me because I run into OM at the university. But we just say "hi" and small talk. Thankfully, it's only a few days a week. But it's still awkward because he wants us to be still be friends. <P>You also bring up a very interesting point about the lack of passion. I keep trying to explain that to my H, but he isn't getting it. Still doesn't understand my need for that. <P>So, Sifted, did you post your story somewhere in this forum? I'd like to know more if you care to share. <BR>Thanks...and again, thanks for you willingness to share so much of your thoughts with all of us. You and NoMas have a gift of writing with such passion. <P><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 15, 2000).]

Hi, Wings & Sifted!!<P>It's great to hear you're hanging in there! I feel close to you guys, because your situations are so similar to mine. It's amazing! I think God puts certain people in your life for a reason.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by siftedlikewheat:<BR><B> I was thinking today that each day is full of hundreds of times of saying "No" to those urges to contact. You might say "No" 99 times, but then one time give in and you start all over again. Sigh. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are SO right, Sifted! I've been fighting that off and on for quite some time. I've been so happy w/myself when I don't give in. It's been 2 mos. since the last time I spoke w/XOM. That's only because he called me. It was very brief and not too painful. But, I haven't initiated anything for 2 1/2 mos. now. It's strange, because some days I'll be fine and not think about him too much. Then, some days I would like so much just to talk to him, just to hear his voice. But the second I did, it'd start all over again, and I'd be back in the same position I was before. Like I told NoMas in a post earlier, I'm staying off that fence! I have to, to stay sane! <P>Wings, I don't know how you handle seeing XOM a few times a week! I couldn't handle that. I see XOM occassionally, usually just on the road, and that's enough to deal with. I can't imagine actually seeing him and making small talk! That hurts me for you!!! I think you're doing really well, and it sounds like you're staying strong! It's not possible for me to be friends w/XOM because that's what started it all and it would just start it all again! Do you feel that way, too?<P>As far as my H, we were VERY young when we got married. I got pregnant, then we married a year later. We waited because I was young and I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I still think we got married too young, though! When we were younger, I thought we had so much in common. I guess because we were in high school. But as we've grown older, we aren't much alike at all!! We favor different things, etc. He's not deep, either, but we are connecting. It's different, I can't explain it. When I first ended the affair, that is something I really struggled with, becuase I connected to XOM so deeply, as well as him w/me. I think that's one reason why you convince yourself that maybe you should be w/OP. In some strange way, I felt I was "meant to be w/OM", even though I should be w/my H. Can you guys relate to that? I now know I really should be w/my H, but it took a lot of time and work to realize that.<P>Sifted, I agree when you said that a H can't always fulfill EN at the intensity you desire. I struggled w/that, too. But maybe give it some time, and maybe it can be met. I'm not telling you to "settle", but maybe compromise? At first, I felt like I was "settling" because I wasn't letting my H meet my needs (because OM did so well!). Now I know that I'm not settling, they were just two different people. My H is giving me what I need, if I let him. I hope you don't take that the wrong way, because it may be more extreme for you guys. <P>Well, I'd better end this book I've typed. It's taken me long enough! Sorry! But, it does help to share my feelings.<P>Thanks for being here and sharing, you two! You don't know how it is helping me!!! <P><BR>

Hi again to both of you! You truly are encouragers to me and I do believe God brings along those we need at just the right time - that has happened to me many times. So, I'm glad for the two of you right now.<P>I haven't learned how to do the quotes yet, so I'll do it this way:<P>"He's not deep, either, but we are connecting. It's different, I can't explain it. When I first ended the affair, that is something I really struggled with, becuase I connected to XOM so deeply, as well as him w/me. At first, I felt like I was "settling" because I wasn't letting my H meet my needs (because OM did so well!)."<P>I totally identify with all of the above. That is what makes it so hard, even scary to let go. My "friend" was able to match/encourage so many things in me that my husband just couldn't identify with and often resisted. My OM met ALL of my top needs and my husband met none of them. Now my husband would like to try and he is looking into why he isolated himself so much and couldn't give. So, I should be thankful for that (and I am). But, to borrow NoMas' analogy of the arrow, there is still an arrow deep inside that has to be extracted and it is a very painful process. There is a lot of loss and death that goes with it. There is also the fear that the spouse cannot really meet those needs as deeply as you'd like. That is the part which will require acceptance (not really settling and maybe not even compromise). I will have to let go and see what can be re-built, most likely in a very different way than I imagine. I have confidence when I keep my eyes on the Master Builder (God), He always knows what He is doing (and it is often much different than I am expecting, but also much better).<P>"Behold, I will do something new, <BR>Now it will spring forth;<BR>Will you not be aware of it?<BR>I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,<BR>Rivers in the desert" Isaiah 43:19<P>That is a good promise of something new God can do in our marriages and relationships. Still the wilderness/desert is scary and that is where I've been in my marriage for a long time and is what I initially turn back to, with the hope of a roadway/river being made.<P>Wings, you asked a lot of questions. I don't have my story posted anywhere, maybe it will come out in bits and pieces. Here are a few answers: The longest I went without having contact with the OM was one month, but that was partly because of vacations we each took. I remember reading somewhere here that you have to WANT to break it off and in a way we are both (OM and I) in agreement with that (maybe not "want to" in the sense of desire/wish, but "want to" more like intentionally choosing it because it is the right/best way to go). I feel like that is a big step. Like I said, we have had a few failed attempts, but there is the determination and decision so I know it will happen. <P>I am fortunate because my world and the OMs worlds don't naturally mix (don't work at same place, not same church, neighborhood, friends, etc). The one place we originally met (the gym) I quit half a year ago. We are used to A LOT of conversation, sharing about our days/thoughts and so on. That is hard to let go because my husband doesn't have a great need for that kind of sharing and I really do. But like I said, first the wilderness, then a roadway.<P>Momma, I agree with what you said about "knowing that you aren't settling, just two different people" - I believe it. Right now it just sometimes feels like you can't breathe while you are waiting for that different person (your husband) to emerge. Kind of like NoMas' analogy of the Poseidon Adventure (going under water to get to the other side, which was the only way to save your life).<P>If you have any specific questions I'd be happy to answer them. I just don't know how to begin to tell a whole story. Keep up your encouraging stories about the "other side". I appreciate it!

From what I've read, you still have a relationship w/OM, is that right? You're not ready to end it yet, right? Just clarifying. I know how hard it is, believe me! Does your H know about OM? <P>Well, I wanted to respond to your comment about waiting for your H to "emerge". Honestly, he may never completely "emerge" to your desire. That's where that acceptance has to come in. You are right about the acceptance rather than settling or compromising. That's the word I was trying to use, compromising doesn't really explain it. I know my H tries his hardest to meet all my needs, but he doesn't always do it as well as the XOM did. That's where I have to look at how hard he's trying, and accept the person that God has given me, instead of trying to be w/someone else. I'm just saying this looking at myself. I don't know if that helps you any, just some ideas. I guess we just have to get past the things the OM does for us(or feelings that are there), so that we can move on in our marriages. Like I said before, some days I want so badly to talk to XOM and sometimes I miss him so much, but I know what I have to lose. The bad out weighs the good, and that makes me know what I have to do.<P>I hope things get better for you, and that you get through this without losing your sanity! I really thought I was losing it several times! I'm here for you if you need anything.......please take care!!<BR>

Hi Momma,<P>Thanks for your concern. I don't always have time to reply right away, and other times I just read, not knowing what to write.<P>I am having a very hard time, today especiallly. The OM and I are breaking all contact (we did this twice already, but something got us in contact again). This time I don't see that happening. So, it has only been a few days. This time seems hardest of all. <P>It is like going from sunshine to a dreary, cold, gray day (which by the way is the weather we're having today). My husband knows there was an OM, but he doesn't know I've had recent contact and since he doesn't read much or look on these boards he isn't really aware of withdrawal or things like that. Seems unfair to tell him about my hurt anyway. I've never really been able to look to him for support so I can't see turning to him now. There are many painful realizations about our relationship that I've kind of known, but now see for sure. It seems easier to just run and "start all over", which is what I guess a lot of people do these days , but I know that isn't right or really any easier. I am learning what the word committment really means (and those vows "for better or for worse"). <P>All I can keep thinking is "what a mess" and I wish I was already on the "other side" of this. There is a lot of hard work to do and lots of pain to deal with. Sigh.<P>I appreciate your encouragement and perspective whenever you can give it.<p>[This message has been edited by siftedlikewheat (edited June 18, 2000).]

Hang in there, Sifted. I know how much you're hurting, and it does get easier, it just takes so much time. Right now, you just need to work on getting through your withdrawal, because that's the hardest part. Whatever you do, don't give in to any temptation. I have to tell myself that constantly! Then, you need to work on building your marriage back and getting those feelings back you had for H. I agree w/your "what a mess" statement!!! I understand completely! That's why I try my hardest to stay out of that mess! It does make life so much more difficult. My thoughts and prayers are with you!! Keep on truckin'!!! <P>

Hi Momma and Sifted....<BR>Sifted...I'm so sorry to know you're going going through the same reality as I am. It's so painful, isn't it. The OM and I keep staying away, then one or the other of us makes contact, and it starts all over. We've tried ending it several times as well. I, much like you, know that I have to end it for good. No emails, phone or any contact. So, how do you do this? How did you handle it, Sifted? <P>I'm in an awful lot of pain today as well. Only those of us in the middle of this can understand the pain. I feel your pain too sifted. It's so much more difficult to end it permanently than I ever imagined. Everyone keeps writing about no contact...and I know they're absolutely right. <P>Please keep in touch with Momma and I, Sifted...I'd like to know how you're doing as we're both going through this process at the same time. Perhaps we can lean on one another for support, strength and encouragement. I certainly can't explain this pain to my H. He has no idea the struggle is so deep with OM. <P><BR>Momma, you have been such an inspiration to me. How have you been able to let go of OM? You are always such a bright light and an encourager to those of us struggling. Thank you for being there for all of us.<BR>Thanks, both of you, for your open hearts....<P>Did either of you feel depressed, anxious, and unable to sleep? If so, how have you handled that? <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by wings (edited June 18, 2000).]

Hi Momma and Wings!<P>So good to read your replies this morning. The day is starting out very hard again. I feel like I'm being tossed about in the ocean, big waves crashing over me. I guess this is partly how people feel when someone close has died. It is the feeling of great loss.<P>Yesterday afternoon got a little better for me. The sun came out and I worked in my garden for several hours and some of the heavy pain lifted. But it is back again and I realize now that is how it will be, moments of heavy, pressing pain and then moments when it lifts for awhile.<P>I listen to my Christian CDs to help me. When I keep my mind focused in that way I do better, it is when I start thinking back on things and the loss that I get overwhelmed. I talk to God because I know He understands completely. I tell Him about my loss and my hurts and I know He listens and cares, that brings comfort too.<P>I did talk to my husband a little yesterday afternoon and this morning, just telling him there are other pains I have inside that he doesn't realize or understand and that I am experiencing a lot of loss, in addition to dealing with the hurts he and I have in building our relationship. I wanted to remove our barriers a little more, let him know more of my struggles and also explain that this pain affects my behavior sometimes (especially anger and hostility towards him). It is hard because I know I have to be gentle in how to let him into my world of pain, he has his own hurts from all of this. <P>Wings, you might try sharing with your husband just that you have lots of pains and losses inside of you, without being too specific. Does he know about the OM? <P>The hardest part for me is the great loss I feel. When I look at it like a death I seem to be able to cope with the pain a little better, because I know this is how it should feel with a death. Resisting the temptation, though, seems to take the most determination and discipline and I get tired and afraid I won't keep the course. Especially when I hear people still struggle after months (like 6 or more). Any suggestions Momma?<P>Let's pray for each other. Let me know how you are each doing.

Hi, Sifted & Wings!!<P>Well, you two don't know how much you're an encouragement to me!!! I'm glad I can encourage you as well. For some reason (knock on wood), I've been doing really well lately! I don't know if I'm finally getting over XOM or if I'm just in another one of my phases. I've been like you two and have had contact on & off and on & off and on & off again. There for a few months it was constantly that way. If you'll do a search on my name, you can read some of my posts dealing w/my confusion. I started posting at the end of May. Since I've been here on MB, I have NOT made contact w/XOM. So, you can read my wishy-washy feelings I've been typing. Even though I've been so tempted, I still haven't contacted him. Like I've said before, I have my moments when I miss him sooo much. And I keep saying I know what I have to lose, that's what keeps me going. That IS what keeps me going. My marriage is so much better now that I can't risk losing my family. Maybe as your marriages get stronger, your feelings for OM will diminish. <P>Sifted you said:<BR>"Resisting the temptation, though, seems to take the most determination and discipline and I get tired and afraid I won't keep the course. Especially when I hear people still struggle after months (like 6 or more)."<P>You're right about keeping up the course. I'm down 2 1/2 mos. now w/out contact, but I could talk to him tomorrow, and I'm back to square 1. I've made the decision that I don't WANT to be back on square 1. Sometimes, I do WANT to talk to OM, but I remember that I DON'T want to be on that square 1 again. Does that make sense? It does take SO long! My question is, if he contacts me and I tell him I can't talk to him, does that put me back at square 1? In a way it does, but if I resist him, it's not really the same "square 1". Know what I mean? <P>It must be in the air today to be feeling down. I'm not in pain, but kinda sad. I try to think about the negative things about XOM, instead of the good memories. I also try to focus more on my H, he really is a great guy, even if we are different. I really do love my H very much. They are just two TOTALLY different people, so I think XOM filled some places my H didn't. I've been working on letting my H fill every place possible. That's where that acceptance comes in that we were talking about earlier. Some days my H and I will fight like cats & dogs, then others not at all. We definitely have more passion than we did. That's a good thing! <P>Wings, You asked how have I been able to let go of OM? It's just taking time. I'm still not completely "over" him, but I'm doing much better, and it doesn't hurt so bad. I had to let go when I made my decision to absolutely stay w/my H. I refer to that so often because it was a major turning point for me. It came to the point where I HAD to chose to be w/OM or my H. I chose my H. I don't want to sound redundant, I just want to stress what helps me. <P>Also, Wings, I was really depressed for a long time through out this. I really couldn't define it, but it was a really crappy attitude/outlook on life. Sometimes, I still feel like I'm in some time of depression, because I'm so moody. That's getting better, somewhat. I never had trouble sleeping, though, thank goodness. I'm always too tired, I don't get enough sleep! I started taking St. John's Wort, but I didn't take it long enough. Someone here on MB said it takes about 3 weeks to kick in. So, I'm thinking about trying it again. It just helps when my attitude is better. <P>Oh, also, I asked you guys earlier about my H going to work nights again. Do you have any comments/suggestions about that?<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 19, 2000).]

It's me again!! I was just reading through all our comments on this particular post. I know you've both said that you try to end it, then end up starting contact again. Have either of you hit this "turning point" I'm referring to of choosing one or the other? I guess it's not real encouraging for me if you have reached that point and then you end up contacting OM again. But, I'm just curious. I'm wondering if this is something that we can truly get past. Will it just take time? I know you guys have the same question. Just rambling..........<BR>Just wondering today how XOM is doing and it drives me crazy. I still think about him everyday, even if it's something negative. See, I do it, too! It really stinks sometimes!! <P>Thanks for letting me bare my heart and soul!

I hope you don't mind, stepping in on your thread, but I wanted to thank you. The reason is because (my h had the affair and it has been 4 months since contact, he is in withdrawal, but it is getting better.) it explains how the ow is feeling. She showed up recently at the same place my h did and she knew he would be there (because he works out almost everyday at the same place and did so during the affair). She is pregnant by her husband, and she is in withdrawal as well. It hurt to see her there at the same place as my h, but he did really good. In fact it effect me more than him. <P>Thanks,<BR>BH<P>

One last time, today!! (Maybe!) <P>I know the answer to this question, but I'm going to ask anyway. Actually, I don't know why I'm even asking, just thinking too much today. Can you still be friends w/OM, even after affair? Sometimes, I think it'd be nice just to be friends w/him so I could talk to him occassionally and know how he's doing, etc. Becuase he was my friend. But I know your supposed to eliminate ALL contact forever, w/XOM. Besides, my H HATES XOM and would probably do bodily harm to him if he could get away w/it. LOL Guess I'm just missing him today. <P>Oh, I was also going to ask were your guys's affairs just emotional or physical, too? Just wondering!<P>Guess I should be working instead of typing here! Hope to hear from you two soon!<BR>

Hi, Bighope!<P>Well, I hope we're not discouraging you, hope it's helpful for you. I know we've been helping each other so much. Maybe it helps you to see what he's possibly going through, all though it may hurt. Also, like you said, maybe understand her point of view, too. The XOM (I almost put my XOM, but changed it to the XOM, yikes) in my situation is not married. I'm not sure about the other two. That makes it a little different for me, but not much! Sometimes, women take much harder than men. So, maybe your H is through the hard part.<P>I'm glad you're here, and I hope you're doing okay through all this. It affects SO many! I'd be happy to answer any questions you have. <P>

Sifted and Wings,<P>Guess I told a fib about being the last time I'd bug you guys today!!! <P>Just wanted to let you know you can <BR>e-mail anytime at: w_m3@hotmail.com (if you want to). Have a great day!!!

Sifted and Wings,<BR>Guess I told a fib about being the last time I'd bug you guys today!!! <P>Just wanted to let you know you can <BR>e-mail anytime at: w_m3@hotmail.com (if you want to). Have a great day!!! <BR>

hi

Hi Momma,<P>I'll reply later when I have time. It does feel good to "talk" about it. It is the kind of thing you hold inside a long time, not really a struggle which seems acceptable that you can talk to others about.<P>Until later...