Hi... I posted this in the recovery section but thought I would post it here too in hopes of getting more responses... I need advice....<P>My husband and I have been in recovery for a couple of months now. I just found this site and I hope some of you have some good advice for me...<P>My husband moved in with the other woman and lived with her for a little over a month and a half. He would come visit me while living with her. We have two children. He would say he was coming to visit them and spend all his time with me.<P>Anyway, he would cry when he would leave and finally, we talked it over and he decided he was moving back home. <P>Well, things have been going well for the most part. The thing is, we don't talk much about what happened. He has apologized to me for hurting me so much and he doesn't understand why he did it. He can't figure out why he thought he could just throw everything away for this other woman. <P>He started a new job to get away from the other woman as he was working with her. Well, he is a delivery driver and he puts in some long hours. I have been fine with it for the most part until today.<P>He had to go make deliveries in the town the other woman lives in. Well, I thought I was doing ok until this morning. She was supposed to work yesterday and today. Well, this is one of the obsessive things I do, I drive by her workplace to make sure she is there. Well, yesterday when I drove by, her car wasn't there. I know my husband couldn't have been with her yesterday because he was working with another person the whole day. I also left work early and actually drove to the town where she lives to see if she was home and she was. I just drove by. <P>Well, today I was stressed anyway about my husband working in the town she lives in. I drove by her workplace again on my way to work and her car wasn't there again! OK, so this is even more obsessive, I called into work from a payphone and lied and said my son was sick and couldn't go to daycare. I then drove to the town where she lives again and drove around the town and hid out here and there to see if I could see her with my husband at all. Oh my God... I am so totally losing it! Anyway, she was home most of the day and I spotted my husband here and there doing his job. I think I stayed there for over 7 hours. I didn't catch him doing anything he shouldn't be doing. I just feel so stupid now!<P>Am I the only one who has done something so incredibly out there as this? I was really doing fine until a couple weeks ago when I found out he was going to be working there. We have been doing good... Of course as I said before, we kind of skirt the issue. I guess I have been trying to make him feel comfortable being home. I don't want to scare him off.<P>Before he left for work this moring, he asked me if I was ok. I started crying and told him it just brings up a lot of old emotions for me. He said, "I love you *****(my name)." I know he does or he wouldn't be here... He would still be with her. He tried to reassure me but it is so hard to trust him yet.<P>In my heart, I honestly believe he isn't seeing her anymore. She is still married and has a daughter living at home. She is separated from her husband but I guess they are working on the marriage slowly. That is the other obsessive thing I did. I figured out my husbands e-mail password. He was receiving some e-mails from her and he shared them with me. He doesn't check the e-mail account anymore and I intercepted a couple of e-mails. I then deleted them. In the one, she said she was working on her relationship with her husband and in the other one, it was his birthday. She was mad at him because she was getting phone calls from one of the credit card companies he owes money to. She told him it didn't help because he totally ignored her and her child. So, at least by that e-mail, he isn't having any contact with her. That is the last one he got from her. I deleted it too. That one came about three or so weeks ago. <P>Now she isn't e-mailing him anymore and you think I would be happy... Well, now I sit and worry because she isn't. <P>So, I think I have gone totally wacko! It makes me sad to think that! Please, if anyone has any advice, I sure could use it!<P>Lostit!!!!! <P>

I think it is normal to some extent. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have to know. You have to be reassured. Just don't let it get out of hand. You are entitled to have a normal, happy life. Check things out, but then let it go. You have something to be happy about. They weren't together. Let that bring you happiness instead of insecurity.

Hi lostit,<P>Obsessivness is just part of this whole deal. It is totally normal. If I wouldn't have obsessed I probably would still not know the truth of my H's infidelity. I got so much proof together that it was impossible for him to continue to lie to me.<P>I think of it this way...when I can quit obsessing I'll know I'm better and ready to really heal. My H has moved out, and I've told him that when I can walk past a pile of his MasterCard reciepts and have absolutley no interest in where he has been and what he does outside of our home, I'll be ready for him to come back. (Not that he's exactly begging to come back at this point)<P>You are wounded right now. Don't be to tough on yourself. I have seen stories on this board of people hiding tape recorders, people hiring strippers to set up their husbands, people hiring private detectives. What you are doing is not all that nutty. You need proof. There is nothing wrong with that. Just keep it to yourself, what you're doing. Your H does not need to know.<P>allison

Obsessing is normal. Lord knows, I did my share. It takes time to build up enough trust to let that go. I think I've moved past the obsessing stage, but it took me three months to do so. I'd *69 the phone everyday when I got home to check to see if she'd called (she usually called after H got home and before I got home, a span of about one hour). I'd smell his clothes to check for her scent. One day I had the company car and drove by her apartment. I thought I saw her car and paniced that she'd be meeting him for lunch. I parked by his business for 45 minutes waiting for her to show up or him to leave. Neither happened. Now I don't do any of that. He's shown me he's been trustworthy for several months.<P>Don't be too hard on yourself. Each time you catch him telling the truth, the more you'll trust him. Concentrate on making your home his safe haven and meeting his needs and your obsessions will fade away.<BR>

lostit,<P>Been there, done that. Often late at night, though. The councelor hinted it was MAYBE borderline stalking.<P>It ate me up inside, be careful.<P>RRunRR<BR>