Hi FHL -<P>I am here.....tried to go to sleep, but it isn't happening yet!!!<P>I believe that I have come to some decisions....of course, after being nuts about it all day and then having a nice mini breakdown crying episode!!! <P>I feel much better now!!!! <P>I am not going to push for mandatory counseling....either verbally or through a letter I will mention it to H and ask him to look into Retrouvaille or Harley with me. I am not sure exactly when I will do that, though.....I will have to feel him out for awhile.<P>As far as the 18 months....if I am allowed that - I may very well take it depending on the legalities of whether that makes a difference to the stipulation of Irreconsilable Differences.<P>I will not agree to Irreconsilable Differences being the reason for divorce......it is a LIE!!!! I will not sign my name to a lie, just can't do it!!!<P>I had mentioned this to my H a long time ago and he said that they can put "H wants out" on it if I want.....well, that's what I want!!!<P>I don't want to use Adultery or anything, I was just very upset that I didn't KNOW that I could and it was even lied about by BOTH attorneys to me!!!<P>So, I basically am not going to negatively hold up this divorce.....<P>I believe that the divorce is needed for H.....and I also believe that after a period of time - he is going to be around much more and look at me very differently when it is over.<P>Not that I am getting hopes or expectations about it....I just feel it!! We'll see.........<P>He needs an "ending" to this nightmare as much as I do.....it's just that he doesn't know any other way of ending it.<BR>And is too scared (or stubborn) to open up to anything other than what he put his mind to.<P>So, what do you think? <P>Thank you all so much for the input....<P>I'll be back on individuals....<P>BIG HUGS and love,<P>Sheba

Sheba:<P>All of the available options ought to have been explained to you by your attorney at the beginning of the divorce process. Why weren't they? Could be that this 18 month separation and mandatory counseling is not an option in your case. Surely your attorney was aware that you did not want the divorce. How could he fail to advise you of options that would delay the matter? Delay is what they do best. <P>Anyway, how much additional time would you gain? When does the time start running on the 18 months? Usually it's from the date of the filing of the divorce. Here in Texas we have basically no-fault divorce, but still there is a two month mandatory waiting period followed by a 1 month wait before you can remarry. <P>I know what I would do...I would stall...stall...stall...but I understand your reluctance to do a major LB when you have built up a level of communication with your H that you don't want destroyed. But all that communication has not stopped the divorce from progressing. I deal with divorces every day and they are usually very messy affairs...even if they start off very friendly. So your being agreeable and friendly has just made it easier on him to push this through without undue hardship on himself. If you really don't want this divorce, fight it...if it means LBing, he'll get over it.<P>You will, of course, have to do what you think is right for you and take our advise for what it's worth.<P>Buffy <P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 23, 2000).]

<BR> ((((((((SHEBA))))))))<BR> WOW! This IS a tough one!! Don't want to lie, that's understandable. Don't want to give the impression you've "Given up" on your Marriage. Don't want to "PUSH" (oh God forbid WE should PUSH!! )<BR> I think I want to pray and sleep on this one. Hugs.... FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

I was on the front lawn with my dog the last three hours...a picnic compared to the glacier days of February.<P>Need to sleep. I think you are working it out in your own way very nicely, as usual.

Sheba,<P>You have been like a piece of clay through this, - molding to what your husband wants - sort of....<P>But, maybe now it is time to choose what YOU want.<P>You don't want a divorce. Harley's advise not to go for a divorce if you want to stay married. I think you've been given what you want almost on a silver platter.<P>Also, you know he needs counseling - what is it really going to hurt? He's probably going to be angry, but - chances are - it won't last.<P>So, my advice is to go for the options you are now presented with.<P>TNT

<BR>Delay the divorce if you don't want to get divorced. Its that simple. Stall, and when you're done stalling, delay, and when you're done delaying, drag your feet, and when you're done dragging your feet...you get the idea.<P>If you can get him to believe that the court is making him go to counseling, and not you making him go to counseling, then I think its a good idea. However, if he has the impression that its you making him go to counseling, my guess is that it would backfire on you.<P>Bystander

Sheba, thought I'd offer you my support even though I don't have great advice.<P>I think my H felt pressured into marraige counseling because he was afraid I'd pack up and leave with the kids.....(I have actually wanted to run away, believe me!!!!but I won't)<P>And you know how mcounseling went for me....he was nice as we were driving to the counselor...then got that "possessed" voice in counseling and said "I can't talk to her" etc.etc...then we left and he said "do you want to go out to dinner??" It was too much for me!!!! That's why I pulled back into myself for awhile......he is just not ready to face me...he is still working on himself in counseling (thank God!!!)<P>But you know....I don't actually believe a D is the end either!!! In fact, maybe some people who really feel "trapped" need to really know they are "free" before they can see clearly.....<P>In the meantime....you are the best plan Aer i have ever seen (in type anyway!!!)<P>NSR is right! Whatever you do...we will be there with you.....

Sheba<BR>I think you know what you need. You have talked this through in your head and I think you have your answers. <P>What makes you comfortable is what you must do. I have no advice. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you.<P>You and I both know that counceling is a great idea if they want to do it. If it isn't their decision their minds will be closed. When I think that I almost took my H to the councelor from Pluto I get shivers.<P>You are in my prayers always!!!

Hi Sheba,<P>I wonder what it would hurt to present these options to you H? Is he aware of this recent info?<P>I do know that forcing someone into counseling can have less than desireable results, but sometimes people need a little push. What if you asked your H to attend counseling on a trial basis so he and you can be sure that you're doing the right thing by divorcing.<P>You could tell him it's for you, that you need to know you've done everything possible to make sure this is what should happen. No stone unturned.<P>He cares for you so he may be receptive to going if he understands it will help you get thru it without having any regrets or doubts.<P>I can't see how that would make him angry if you present it to him that way. You're being honest in your motives. You DO want to make sure you've done EVERYTHING possible, and he knows how important it is to you.<P>As his best friend first and foremost, I think you owe it him and yourself to at least try and open up the subject for discussion.<P>I'm praying for you, that your decision will come to you and you'll be at peace with it.<P>God Bless,<BR>Jo<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited June 24, 2000).]

Sheba,<P>I can't believe you have this dilemma! You are just so articulate, and knowledgable, and supportive of betrayed wives in particular.<P>My own opinion is that supporting what he wants is the best way to go. Why? because you can't force or counsel someone to love you. Is he nice to you so that he can get his way faster? or is he nice to you because he wants to keep you in reserve?<P>If you answer that question, you have your answer.<P>I think that you may be reading in the wrong message from his friendliness. I think it has to do more with getting you to agree with him than anything else.<P>At some point, and it is different for each person, we just have to let go and let the other person fly solo to see if it really was meant to be. I don't want it just like you, but I would rather have my W respect my decision to let her go, than to drag her to somewhere where she would resent me. I did drag her by the way, and the counselor said, "there is nothing there to work with" <P>W also said "I went because you asked, now can we get on with it?"<P>take care<BR>Sheba<P>and let us know how it goes. at least let us help you through any more pain. you have been so good to us.<P>thl

Sheba -- I want to apologize for being away for so long. I must admit though that I was a bit discouraged to still see your name among the active posters.<P>As I have said to you many times in the past, I am afraid that I have no advice which I feel will adequately convey my feelings in this. As others have said so far in this thread . . .You already know what it is you must do. You already know what you intend to do. I will be praying for you to have the strength, wisdom and courage to make the best choice for you.<P>God Bless<P>BTW . . .I owe you an Email. I will write and fill you in tomorrow.<P>God Bless

Sheba,<P>Golly, your roller coaster ride is taking you through many twists & turns isn't it?<P>Now, H is aware that you're not agreeable to 'Irreconciliable Differences,' have you considered approaching his participation from that angle? Remind him that divorce is expensive & counseling is part of the pkg so you just want to get your $$$s worth. Emphasize that you want to avoid having irreconcilable differences in your next relationship but you're unsure exactly what they are & he knows you best so you need his assistance to determine them. Would this work in your situation?<P>In CA the only options are Irreconciliable Differences (H made a commitment to his girlfriend & I didn't want him to ) or Insanity; personally I prefer the latter Take advantage of the opportunity you have if in the long run it won't be an LB with H (will he be annoyed at first & then reconsider or does he hold grudges for a long time?). You know yourself & the whack-a-doodle best.<P>As usual, PMA to you dear Sheba! <P>

A quick Thank You to Everyone...<P>I have the appointment with the lawyer in the morning and will come on with an update ASAP!!!<P>You are all wonderful and have helped me more than you will ever know.....<P>Just mention me in your prayers, if you would - that some sort of a clear direction comes out of this meeting!!<P>Thanks again and I'll answer all of you tomorrow!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>