I just recently found out my wife had been having an online affair with a man 2000 miles away. Now though they never had a physical relationship with each other, for 3 or 4 months they were emailing love letters and pictures of themselves masturbating or other sexual poses. And that is how I found out. By stumbling on some of the pictures and then finding the emails. So I have seen and read this stuff and dont have to imagine it. How am I supposed to ever look at my wife the same way again? When evertime I do I will see these pictures?

pegasus -- First of all, you are definetly not alone in feeling this way. I've been a member of this forum for a long time now, though I must confess that I have tried to stay away for the past few months and have seen many people, both male and female express the same feelings/concerns.<P>My W too was involved in internet / emotional relationships. I too found the Emails. It can be devastating. My W and these men discussed and were involved (even if it was only in writing) in things which my W had flatly refused to even consider with me. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How am I supposed to ever look at my wife the same way again? When evertime I do I will see these pictures?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This is a tough question to answer I am afraid. For each of us the time frame is different. It does get better, than much I can tell you. There are still times when I see or hear something when my mind goes back to that very first day I found out.<P>This forum can be of tremendous value in helping you sort through these feelings, and dealing with the triggers when they occur.<P>God Bless

Well, take courage from the fact that you are in a better position than most of us. At least the OM is a "virtual" person 2000 miles away, your wife is still home, and the betrayal was caught in time to do something about it. Life's not that bad. You can get beyond this!<P>The reason affairs happen is different for everyone but usually it has to do with feeling that the OP provides something the spouse does not. It is not always obvious what that is. In my case, my H SAID it was because I didn't want to have children and I was a horrible wife. In my opinion, it has more to do with him feeling like he can't trust anybody to be there for him through all life's challenges. He has to leave before he gets left to stay in control. It's about insecurity and selfishness.<P>Anyway, the reasons for affairs are sometimes complex and hidden. The affair is a horrendous, but effective way for the psyche to bring the issue to the forefront. It is up to both the betrayer and the betrayed to either get beyond the hurt and address the REAL issue, or focus on the affair and make that the issue around which the relationship revolves. <P>I am not trying to discount the pain of affairs. I am still reeling from the betrayal and destruction of my entire world, but ultimately, it is not about that. It's about whether or not you love each other enough to see this through and help each other to be better marriage partners. It's about whether or not you have the courage to face yourself, your part in the problem, and be a stronger, better person in the future- for yourself and your partner.<P>Affairs are horrible. Ask anyone here. But they are not the end of the world or necessarily the end of a marriage or trust. They are simply a step in the journey. How you handle it once it is discovered will say more about your love and commitment to each other than the affair does.<P>The problem is what we define it to be. Is yours going to the affair or that which caused the affair? If you focus on the affair, you won't have resolution of the root cause. <P>Are you going to dwell in anger and resentment or in love and forgiveness? You get what you give, so it's better for you to try to reach out with love. <P>I hope this doesn't come across as know-it-all or judgmental. I'm coming out on the other side of betrayal and have been bombarded at times with the simplest of ephiphanies! That happens when you allow your ego and pain to get out of the way. It's amazing what an impact a little bit of clarity can do for your outlook! <P>I know it is hard to concentrate on love when you feel you've been destroyed, but you have a weapon your spouse doesn't have. That is the knowledge that you love her, can forgive her, and that this is not about her feelings for someone else, but about her own insecurities, pain and fear of sharing them with you. You have got to show her that she can trust her feelings with you and that you will always be there for her. She didn't discuss what she shared with this stranger with you because she didn't trust you. Show her that she was wrong. She CAN trust you. Seeing this through will give her a better appreciation for you and your relationship (unless she's a sociopath- ha!) I've seen it happen right here so many times. Have faith and keep trying. Your hurt will heal if you let it and the sun will shine for both of you again. Perseverance goes a long way. Trust me!

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>