Hi, All! I'm back, finally! I couldn't wait to get home this evening so I could type away! <P>Doing much better....no contact w/OM all since Friday. That helps to clear my head. When I do have contact w/him, it extremely confuses me. Don't get me wrong, I still have those "feelings" for him, but they've subsided. (Thank goodness!!!!)<P>My question tonight is "Can I write the no contact letter w/out my H's help?" I came so close Friday night to discussing all this w/him (my H), but the timing was never right. I'd rather not discuss this again, and just get it over with. NSR and K, what do you think about doing it on my own? What if I did a "draft letter" here, so all of you could make suggestions or changes? I'd really prefer not to bother my H. Maybe if I write the letter and send it, it can end it once and for all.<P>More questions: Should the letter be very brief or explained thoroughly? What should NOT be said? Just wondering.<P>I'm sure OM will call me at work tomorrow. I don't know what to say to him. It's so easy to get wrapped up w/him when he calls. How do I handle it?<P>I want to apologize for flipping out last week on all of you! I've decided to think w/head (not heart) and to straighten up and act like an adult! I guess this is how we get through it, though. <P>The bad thing is that the first couple weeks after no contact I do really well. I'm more focused, and I don't get too depressed or too deep in thought about OM. It's a few weeks or a couple months after when I start feeling like this again. How do I stay out of that rut? How do I get past it? If anyone knows, please tell me!!<P>I don't want to lose my H or tear up my family. I honestly don't want to be w/OM, just miss him. It's so strange how a person can affect you!<P>Thank you all for your support!! You all mean so much to me and are such encouragement to me! I'll keep updating!

Momma,<P>boy! Do I ever know what you are saying. HOW DO WE NOT GET INTO THAT RUTT?<P>I want that to be answered to. The no contact is so so important. It just puts you back to square one. Trust me I know!<P>Tell someone not to take his call. There has to be a way around it. <BR>I knoww what you mean about discussing with H. I didnt either. I was her and talking to family. <BR>Im in a bad rutt now. Ill get over it though. All I can say is it is better to let H know that your hurting. Becasue it will kill you later on. When h does something. the first thing you resort to is the times with OM. <BR>THIS IS AN ADDICTION!!! This is the hardestr thing I have ever done. God helps me so mcuh. I just keep praying. I am 5 months into this and you can read my threads. It is very hard.<BR>Good luck to you and your family. your in my prayers<P>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Momma! Good to hear from you. I was worried.<P>Can you screen your calls at work? Let voice mail pick it up and then check it afterward to see who it was? That way you wouldn't have that awkward mometnt of having him right at the other end of the line. Hearing his voice will be tough, too, but at least you can't reply to a recording. And then you would have to avoiud calling him back. Still easier than picking up the phone and having him RIGHT THERE. <P>I know what you mean about the rut. I think there are some milestones in the withdrawal process. 3 weeks seems to be one. From what I've read through other posts here, it gets tough again around 2 months. Maybe knowing this, you can prepare yourself for it and have a strategy in place for how to deal with it. Or think about things that you can do to deal with it and have a list handy for ANYTIME the feeling hits you. HAving someone to contact (similar to a sponsor for an alcoholic in AA) is probably a good idea, too.<P>I strongly urge you to have your H participate as much as he is willing in writing the letter. Be sure to put words in there to show that your H and you are working together on improving your marriage. If he doesn't want to help write it, at least you should let him read it and have him with you when you mail it for two reasons. To make sure that you do it and don't chicken out and to be ther for you to give you a hug to let you know that he's supporting you after you do mail it.<P>Why don't you want him to be a part of it? I'm going to go out on a limb here based on some of the feelings I ahve had about this. Could it be that you don't want thim to participate bacause then it (the no-contact letter) just might work? If he doesn't participate, you will be able to say a whole lot of stuff that will do more to encourage the OM than to discopurage him. Am I a little bit right about that?<P>This is scary stuff. I know. But do give your H the chance to participate. Give him a chance to support you.<P>BTW, you don't need to apologize to us for anything you said. I don't think you flipped out last week. You had a tough time. We all have tough times. That's what we're here for. To help you through them.<P>

Renee,<P>You are so right about the addiction thing! It is an awful one. But, I think it's something we can overcome. Discussing addiction, something just occured to me, actually, it's really disturbing. If this is a true addiction, like it is for an alcoholic or drug addict, then this is something you have to treat as an alcoholic or drug addict would. For example, an alcoholic can never have another drink or he'll probably end up back where he was. So, everytime I see the OM, it's like being offered a beer. It's so tempting, but I know that I'll probably be so consumed that I'll fall back in my old "ways". I know this is what everyone's been telling me, but I'm now truly realizing the extent of it. This is something I may have to fight for the rest of my life!!! That's crazy! It's unreal to me! I think as time goes on that it'll get easier. But what if 5 yrs. later, I'm offered that "beer" again, what if I fall again? I can't believe that I could be this weak later on in life, but what if I am? Sorry, just hitting a realization right now!! <P>Renee, are you 5 mos. into this w/out contact? If so, congrats to you! You're doing wonderful! It's seems like it will never end, doesn't it? My thoughts and prayers are w/you, too. Please "holler" if you need help!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 25, 2000).]

Oh, also. OM calls my direct line and no one else answers my phone. I have to answer it, can't let it go to voice mail, unless I'm already on the phone. I really can't have anyone else pick it up, but maybe I'll try. ??? I'll think of something!

momma,<P>Go with the "How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter"(on page 58-59 of SAA)!<P>Do get your H to help!<P>If you want to draft it here... OK...<BR>...but input from your H should be included.<BR>...what a great gift you'd be giving him!<P>Keep the letter brief...<BR>...the longer it is... the longer you OM thinks he can continue to reach you!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'm sure OM will call me at work tomorrow. I don't know what to say to him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<BR>Please... please... just say... <BR><B>"you've gotten my letter... please don't call anymore</B>! AND HANG UP!!!!<BR>Practice tis this in your mind...<BR>Over... and over... and over... and over again!<P>Direct line or not!!!!<P><B>"you've gotten my letter... please don't call anymore</B>! AND HANG UP!!!!<P><B>"you've gotten my letter... please don't call anymore</B>! AND HANG UP!!!!<P><B>"you've gotten my letter... please don't call anymore</B>! AND HANG UP!!!!<P><B>"you've gotten my letter... please don't call anymore</B>! AND HANG UP!!!!<P>...get it!!!<P>Have you ever checked out my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> post...<P>The "C" in "PTC" will be important to you in this aspect of where you are!<P>Strength to you... <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TruthSeeker:<BR><B>.....I strongly urge you to have your H participate as much as he is willing in writing the letter. Be sure to put words in there to show that your H and you are working together on improving your marriage. If he doesn't want to help write it, at least you should let him read it and have him with you when you mail it for two reasons. To make sure that you do it and don't chicken out and to be ther for you to give you a hug to let you know that he's supporting you after you do mail it.<P>Why don't you want him to be a part of it? I'm going to go out on a limb here based on some of the feelings I ahve had about this. Could it be that you don't want thim to participate bacause then it (the no-contact letter) just might work? If he doesn't participate, you will be able to say a whole lot of stuff that will do more to encourage the OM than to discopurage him. Am I a little bit right about that?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I figured that you (and others) would say I need to include H in it! It truly might work better if I do. <P>You're somewhat right about why I don't want to include my H. The MAIN reason is that I don't want to hurt, depress or discourage him anymore! He's been through SO much. He thinks this should be over and done with. I do want him to trust me completely, but things like this obviously lessen that trust. I honestly don't want my H to know that I'm still struggling w/this, because it's pathetic and embarassing. I honestly thought that I was really weird having to deal w/this for this long, until I came here to MB and read so many stories that sound just like mine! I also don't want to go into a lot of detail about the MB forum to him, because here is were I let out all my frustration and express every possible thing that I can think of. If he were to be online, too, then I'd feel that I couldn't be as open. That may sound strange, but it's true. I know, I'm sounding selfish, again! Trying not to do that. <P>I do need to talk to him. Maybe he could be my "sponsor" when I feel that temptation for OM. But, I don't want to cause him anymore pain. Not that he can't handle it, but I don't want him to have to! Maybe this, too, can bring us closer. I don't think I have anything to lose discussing this w/him, but it does scare me. I've let him down so much, I don't want to anymore!!!<P>It seems like when I have that urge for contact w/OM, it absolutely consumes me. Nothing I do can sway it. Well, I can't say that. I had gotten through some urges previously successfully. It just seems ridiculous that this is such a major thing in my life! Still!!!! Does anyone know when it lessens?<P>I need to figure out when I can talk to my H about all this and the no contact letter. He's working nights 4 days in a row, so I won't have a night w/him until Wed. Then, my son has a baseball game that night, then my H works again Thurs. night! We're busy all next weekend, too! So, hopefully I can find an opportune time later Wed. night! The sooner, the better!<P>Thank you, TruthSeeker. I appreciate you so much!!! <P>

Thanks, Jim. You're always such a help! Consistency is exactly right!!!<P>I will remember, "You've gotten my letter, please don't call anymore." But what do I do about tomorrow and the next couple days before I send the letter? I know, I'm whiney! Any ideas?<P>Thanks, again, Jim!!<BR>

How about<P>"I'm really swamped right now and can't talk." Then hang up.<P>or<P>"I'm sorry but I just can't talk to you." and then hang up.<P>I think the key is to keep it as brief as possible and then hang up before he can say anything back.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TruthSeeker:<BR><B>How about<BR>"I'm really swamped right now and can't talk." Then hang up.<BR>or<BR>"I'm sorry but I just can't talk to you." and then hang up.<BR>I think the key is to keep it as brief as possible and then hang up before he can say anything back.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good idea! I think he'd take the hint. I think the latter would be one that probably would keep him from calling back for awhile.<BR> <BR>Thanks! Guess I'd better get to bed, so that I can actually get some work done tomorrow!! Talk to ya all tomorrow!!

Hi Momma...<BR>I'm so glad you wrote to let us know how you were doing. I've been thinking about you and praying for strength. You sound so much stronger and focused than you did Friday. <P>I totally agree with what you said about thinking with your head and not your heart. My heart deceives me more often than not. I'm hoping this sinks in. <P>It's too late...so I'll check back in the A.M. to see how you're doing. <P>Cheerio.....