My wife and I have been married for 26 years. We have had a fairly troubled(there were alot of good times too) marriage until Jan. 1999 when we started into marriage counseling (things have mostly gotten alot better since then). I grew up in a very cold and distant fanatically religious family. My ability to give and receive love was seriously compromised by this upbringing. My wife was the very first person on this earth that I felt truly loved me. As can be imagined I asked her to marry me, and we got married when I was 20 and she was 17. The bad news is that my inability to give love fully, coupled with a pornography addiction left my wife feeling very unloved. Because she felt so unloved she had a couple of affairs, the first 1979-1982, and the second<BR>1996-1999.<P>Now that the background is out of the way, here is my problem: My wife is under the impression that I don't fully understand her pain from all of the problems in the first 25 years of our marriage. Once or twice every<BR>month she feels compelled to rehash everything I've ever done to hurt her so that I will understand her pain. I would agree that I probably don't fully understand her pain, and I'm not sure that I ever could. Just as she will probably never fully understand the pain that her affairs have caused me. I have tried over and over to tell her that these discussions are a major love buster and bring out no new information and solve no problems, and in fact accomplish nothing other than to make me feel extremely sad and guilty. She still insists on doing this and I'm fairly certain that she had no intention of stopping until I fully understand her pain or until my Love Bank is completely empty.<P>I need help in convincing her that we would be better off building a new future, rather than continually reliving the past. Does anyone have any helpful ideas or suggestions?<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Sadboy, welcome. NSR has a post to welcome all new builders it has a lot of good info in it. Just click this link.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Now, on to your post. You need to understand that many women (myself included) work things out by talking about it. We have to talk the thing through untill we are done. If it takes a million times, that's what it takes.<P>I don't think she wants you to feel bad, I think she wants you to say you are sorry. And to ask her what you can do to make sure she never feels that way again.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

Sadboy -<P>I'm not sure that this will help, but here goes. You may want to ask her what you need to do to make her feel more comfortable in the marriage. Right now, she's probably just lashing out because she feels angry with you and angry at herself. I've been there. Don't let your love bank run on empty. Start doing things that will make her happy and her happiness will rub off on you. Buy her some flowers, attempt to cook dinner , or let her cry if she needs to. You may not realize it, but you do know her pain just as she knows yours. <P>It'll all take time, but don't give up. You need to understand the past or else you're doomed to repeat it. Let her explain how she got there as well as what she wants to do to heal. Just don't say "what do you want me to do to fix it!" Women hate that. They simply want you to listen to them sometimes.<P>Hope this helps!<P>Vee

Has it gotten any better, sadboy?<P>Has your wife read any of Dr. Harley's books? You might try suggesting them to her, and when you are sure she knows what you are talking about, stop her from her rant and tell her that you feel very sad for the pain she was in, and that you are in pain as well. Do not let her go on. It isn't fair to you, no matter how much she hurts.<P>Don't yell; don't LB yourself, but you don't have to accept her yelling.<P>Good luck. I hope things get better for you both. --HBC

Yes things are coming along much better. I really needed the advice about just listening and being sympathetic and supporting. Like the 'typical male' I'm always frustrated by not being able to solve problems or fix things(especially when the problems are my fault).<P>Friday night I was able to really listen and be supportive, instead of guilty and defensive, and we made tons of progress.<P>------------------<BR>

Sadboy:<P>I am so happy to hear that last Friday night went so well!<P>Hang in there! I'm really glad for you! --HBC