I feel so all alone. It is pouring rain right now...my kids just left with H. I was upstairs so didn't see him.. We don't talk...we don't see each other...more limbo.<P>He comes to get the kids...My D (11) didn't want to go, he told her he wanted her to go..she came upstairs and said "she didn't know what to do" I told her she'd have a good time..to give her Dad a hug and tell him she loves him.<P>She went.<P>My son (9) came home from a few days of being with a friend. He teared up as we came close to the house. He always waited for his dad to come home, even waiting up till after his meetings some times.....My H recently got annoyed at that...I guess it was a LB for him.<P>I told my son it was OK to feel sad about coming home. that it is hard for all of us. I reminded him that his Dad loves him and is not doing this on purpose to him. That he is having a hard time right now too.<P>I told my MIL about S...she of course e-mailed me back not to put feelings into my S's head. That it would brainwash him.<P>You know, I know why they all (his sibs) are not in touch with their emotions.<P>I'm not going to push his feeling (s) under the rug. If he feels angry or sad I want to help him express it (because he is so reserved like his dad). If anything I am brainwashing them to love their dad no matter what!!!<P>Anyway! I feel like it is just me!!! I am here in this town because H didn't like his last job and we moved here. I have no family...no mom, dad, a or u.....<P>I guess I depended on my H too much...because with him gone I feel so alone....

{{{{{{tootrusting}}}}}}}}}}:<P>I'm so sorry you're so down. I can't offer you a silver lining for your clouds, but I can offer you a shoulder to cry/lean on.<P>You are a good, strong person. Your children are going to be okay because of the example you set.<P>Hang in there. We care. --HBC

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tootrusting}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry, you poor gal. You need tons of hugs. My heart goes out to you reading your pain. I'm soooo sorry you're going through this. I feel so bad for your kids, too. <P>You're not alone, here. We are all here for you and praying for you. Hang in there.<P>My prayer list has sure gotten long today!<P>Wings, Siftedlikewheat, TruthSeeker, Renee, Schizzo, Tootrusting, all of you, you're in my prayers.<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited June 26, 2000).]

Hey girl stop it....<P>You are not alone. If you think about it, your h is the one who is truly alone. Yeah he might have someone to physically talk to but inside he is ALONE!!<P>I honestly feel that way about my h. Everytime I see him at my kids games, he is alone. Even if he is sitting by someone, he is alone. He is a very lonely soul right now and he had no one to blame but himself. <P>I am lucky in the fact that I have many friends and family members around me. Work helps to take things off my mind as well. Perhaps you can go out and get a fun part time job??? Even if its 20 hours a week. I know your h is a doctor and makes enough $ to support you but I think it might help.<P>You my dear are going to be fine. This pain will pass and you will be stronger. I know that as bad as I feel at times, I will be much stronger too. <P>Always in my thoughts.....

Tootrusting:<P>I think Missy9 makes a good point about H being alone. I feel that same thing from my H when I see him. I thought this relationship with OW was suppose to make him delirious happy. But he seems so sad I feel bad for him.<P>I quess that one person no matter how wonderful you think they are can replace what you had as a family. And that's what they've lost and it's of their own choice.<BR> <BR>Now admitting it to themselves is another matter....it takes time.<P>So we may be unhappy because we alone, because we've lost our best friend and companion, but deep down he is the real loser because he's lost everything that really matters to him. He just doesn't realize it yet or if he does, he won't admit it even to himself.<P>Keep the faith and someday you will no longer be alone and hopeful you will be back with a H that truly has learned how inportant you and his family are to him. Maybe that's the reason for all this.<P>Until then here's a hug to let you know you're loved.<P>{{{{{{{{Tootrusting}}}}}}}}}}<P>Buffy<P>

{{{{{{{{{{{tootrusting}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I lurk more than post, but I may have a story that might make you feel better. <P>There was a time in my life when being alone really freaked me out. I was a free spirit in my younger days, and I travelled for a year on my own through the south Pacific and southeast Asia. What an experience! I spent the last two months in Thailand. That country is about the size of Oregon, but instead of 3 million people, Thailand has 54 million people! There were people everywhere! Quite literally, another person was within 20 feet of me at all times. It was peculiar sensation, something I wasn't accustomed to. <P>When I returned to the states, I stayed with some friends. That weekend they went skiing. There I was, in a three-story house, <B>alone</B>. It was truly frightening! I was so scared! In Thailand, there would be 20 people right there in case I tripped and sprained an ankle. Now, no one would find me for three days if something happened. Imagine. Gutsy world traveller is afraid to be home alone. <P>Then I realized what was happening to me. Culture shock. I had heard of it and met people experiencing it. It's one of those things that you can't possibly imagine unless it happens to you. I had no idea what a punch it could pack. It did a number on me, I can tell you! In two months I had grown accustomed to life in Thailand. When I came home, it was strange to see familiar things. I could finally have that glass of milk I was daydreaming about for weeks. It made me sick. Everyone looked fat. I could read the street signs. I knew where everything was without looking at a map. I was in a tailspin of confusion.<P>What it all boils down to is that we become accustomed to the things in our lives. When something changes dramatically, it's scary. Then life goes on, and if the life is a new one, we get used to it. I know you feel alone now, but you have a lot of people checking up on you here at this forum, including me. You are not alone at all. <BR>Things will work out for the best. You're doing right by your kids and your H. You just keep on keepin on.

Lonesome heart...It's interesting that you mention Thailand. That's where my H went with Op to do mission work for 10 days. Right before he left we were planning on doing some construction on our house, bought a new car to start taking trips with kids, planned this summer's vacation...<P>He came home and was disconnected from me the kids and the house. He connected to OP and Thailand and their so called bond is a "close coworking relationship in which they share some antimaterialism, missionary thing"<P>I could sense the culture shock when he came home...It is a shame that he couldn't have come home and appreciated the things he had..Also...Op went with the idea she "had" him...didn't knowthat until after from her h. Plus, she is the one who talked him into doing this...she bought the tickets...he didn't even ask me...Just came home and said he was going....I wasn't happy.....now I know why!<P>

I'm so sorry for your lonliness. I was lucky because I have a great family and support group of friends close by that really helped me get through this. I agree with the others that it is your H is the one who is truely lonely. Right now he is living this fantasy thing. Like every dream it will come to an end. He will wake up someday and relize all that he will lose; you just need to give him the time to sort this whole thing out. You need to continue to be supportive and loving. But at the same time you need to show him in subtle ways that you can do this on your own. My H OW really did a number on his mind. It was almost like programming him like a cult or something. I worked very hard on keeping everything togeather. I tried to be supportive, I still took a interest in his life and what he was doing. I still though did have my days when I would totally lose it with him and let him know just how much his being gone hurt me. It took my son though to totally wake him up. My 13 year old son was staying the weekend with him and ow and he looked at him straight in the eye and said, "Dad I want you to come home." "You don't belong here and you know it." " This woman is not what you want out of life Mom is and you know it." "If you don't come home I'll never forgive you and you won't see or talk to me again because what you are doing is wrong and you know it!" Pretty good for a 13 year old isn't it? Well it got my H to thinking and pretty soon he was at the door begging to come home again. I made him wait a month as I wanted him to be sure that this is what he wanted. He waited the month but was home exactly 30 days after he asked me if he could come back. It wasn't easy, withdrawel was hell but now things are wonderful. We are so close now, closer than we have ever been. I'm not saying that I still don't hurt because I do but I do know that if he hadn't gone through this whole mess our marriage wouldn't be as strong as it is today. There can be good things that come out of infidelity. <BR> The OW didn't give up easy, I mean she tried every trick in the book to win him back but for every step she tried to take I was there to block her way. You really need to figure this woman out. Figure out what makes her tick. What she is up to. Because by the sounds of it, she was and is still the instigater. You need to in subtle ways show your H that you are the better, more honest person. This is a long hard road but it can come to happiness at the end. <BR> One more thing now is the time to focus on you. Do things that you enjoy. Go out with friends, go visit your family. I'm sure money is tight but just remember it isn't all your responsibilty now is the time for you to shine. That last month my H was gone I really had a good time. The kids and I went to the amusement park, the zoo, county fairs ect. I went with friends, got a hair cut, bought a few new clothes,moved the furniture around, got a cat,(H hates cats) spent alot of time with my family and friends. When he saw how independant I was getting he really went into a panic. I still cont. to be more independant and less dependant on him. <P>Sorry for the long response, I have a tendancy to ramble. Just stay cool, get some legal info just for your own sense of security, do things for yourself and the kids. It's a hard juggling act one that only you will be able to figure out. <P>I'm here if you need to talk, I think it helps if you talk to someone who has been there and done that. <P>Jill

HI TT,<P>That was a great post from Jill. I am going to print it and keep it. It's a lesson on how to survive all of this, and I think, an important one. It's showing us how to really Plan A.<P>Just wondering how you are doing this morning TT? Are you feeling any better today? Did you manage to get some sleep?<P>Also, just a thought here. Since the kids hate going to H's apartment (mine do too, in fact the oldest *17yo* refuses to step foot over there) what about him staying at the house and you taking off for a day or two when he wants to be with the kids. Hey, sounds like you can afford a few days at a great hotel, get a massage, facial...ect, and let H see what it's like to be at home without you there tending to his every need! It's working here, thought I do feel like sometimes I am making it to easy on H, like he's having his cake and eating it too, but it makes my kids happier.<P>Luckily, we live in an area where there are wonderful resorts. When my GF got seperated she just checked herself into one every weekend while he dealt with the kids for a few days. Yeah, it was quite a reality check for her H as she was not available to run the kids to sports events, ect.<P>Well TT, this was just a thought, and I'm rambling as usual (got to get off the caffiene).<P>I hate it too when H takes kids somewhere and I'm not included. I use the time to come here and learn, or spend time with my girl friends...or just veg out for a while. The kids are taxing on us, and as much as I miss them a break does rejuvinate me.<P>Hope today is better and the rain has stopped.<P>thinking of you...allison

Thanks everyone...yes, the rain has stopped. But you know I am not doing plan A anymore. I know that's why I'm sad....I am not seeing or talking to my H.<P>But, I really felt like I had no choice for me........My H was just going on and on about how they just really enjoy "working together" and share some common antimaterialistic bond thing..... So I guess he just wanted to go to work, be high, all day with OP at his side, then go to his apt....and keep pretending that I'm the bad capitalisic wife!!!Then, come and be the "good guy" dad and take the kids...Now that he is not seeing me he is taking the kids a lot more....funny for a man who originally said...he didn't want to be the kids buddy and I did.....(that was one of his reasons for the demise of the marraige.)<P>And yes, Op is the master manipulator. I've known it since I first met her... you know the type...very insecure, but acts like they know all.....She made herself indispensible to him at work all the while complaining about her lousy marraige. I don't know what was wrong with me.....My H kept coming home last year telling me all this awful stuff about her H...even I believed it....what was I thinking......I should have been telling him that they should not be talking about her marraige....oh yeah...I guess I trusted him...<P>Then, I found out that they had been having lunch out all the time.<P>the funny thing is, I bet my H didn't even realize what was going on....that's why when he came back from Thailand and I confronted him he went to this weird place that he currently is......(I found an intimate note from OP...(not sexual) just the sharing soul thing)<P>I found out from Op's H that she was chomping at the bit to go on this trip with my H...He was just as naive as me.<P>My H....was not chomping at the bit...but was annoyed with me because I wasn't too happy he was going....but that';s because he never asked me...just came home and said he was going.<P>When they came home...the newspaper did an article on the trip.....It was so humiliating.. It was obvious they had crossed the lines to everyone in the town...plus the article quoted OP as saying she talked my H into the trip!!!!! <P>Now here she is pining away for my H who won't make up his mind.....while she lives in an apt...but maintains a "marraige" with her H just in case......She is so batty, even her 12 y.o. son knows what is going on!!!! Just great huh!!!!<P>But thanks everyone for the thoughts and replies.....I feel a little like I am hiding out...but I am doing a lot for myself too. I have been going away for weekends when he has the kids...this long weekend when he is taking them somewhere (won't tell me where) I am staying here and doing some fun things here as well as projects in the house...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My H....was not chomping at the bit...but was annoyed with me because I wasn't too happy he was going....but that';s because he never asked me...just came home and said he was going.<P>...Now here she is pining away for my H who won't make up his mind.....<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So the missionary work was in Thailand? You would think anyone embarking on missionary work has nothing less than noble ideals. sigh That certainly doesn't seem to be the case here! What an elaborate scheme to sink her hooks into your H! <P>I'm just wondering what factors motivate your H? Was he interested in missionary work prior to meeting the OW? If this is something that he's always wanted to do, then it's a noble thing and worthy of your support. What needs to be different is YOU being at his side and not the OW! Do you think you'd be remotely interested in going to Thailand? It's an adventure! You can't really know what it's like unless you go there. <P>I may be totally off base here. I can't tell if the OW is the motivating factor here or if it's your H's desire to do missionary work. If you don't know either, then maybe you could find out. If your H is genuine about the work, then it will be important for him to share it with the person most important to him. Each new day will be your opportunity to show him that <B>you're </B>the one for him to choose. Be the best that you can be. You're bound to get him off that fence (on your side, of course!) <P>

Lonesome Heart--Yes you would think it would be noble. My H actually is (or at least was) moble in his heart. He's always been very caring of his patients....even when they would call at 2 or 3 am he would talk to them caringly.<BR>And I know that he thought missionary work would be a wonderful gift to others....<P>I wasn't too happy about this trip because this is one that OP controls...It is just she and her contacts...she has been going over every year....she is the d of missionaries that lived there and so she knows the terrain etc.....<P>She had been trying to get every DR. she worked for to go over...she keeps building it up about how great it is...to see how people who have nothing appreciate things...<P>She has been slowly brainwashing him....I've heard little things during the past two years but haven't thought much because he and I seemed fine....(affectionate, conversation, sex!!!)<P>I have always supported him...well maybe until this past year...I became weary of his constantly throwing things out in the air...I began to question him...he didn't like it I guess.<P>My H came home from this trip really confused. He began to count every penny and he also disconnected from our house...now it is a nice house but not a mansion....<P>He couldn't live here anymore...he moved into his little apt with no tv, etc...filling it with sparce cheap furniture, buying cheap cloths..he wouldn't even take anything from here!!!!! <P>So his "crisis" involves more that OP..but it is she who is keeping it alive...I just wonder how many years she can talk about Thailand!!!!!<P>When he came home he sounded like her...saying things to me that I had heard her say about her H...it was so weird.<P>He came home acting like she was Mother Teresa. She played up the damsel in distress act. It has been a long process I am afraid and he has always been naive about women. He will have to figure this one out on his own.... <P>He is seeing the kids a lot now....I will have to Plan A via them....