I don't know if I should get excited or not, but it's been almost 2 months since he moved out. We saw each other at a family gathering and he came over to say hello and kissed me! Two days later, he emailed me to share a few things that were bothering him. In it he shared that he was not "in love" with anyone (including woman he left me for and is dating). They don't live together, although they continue to see each other. He told me that they have discussed their feelings for each other, and it seems that her feelings for him are stronger than his for him. <P>Then nothing from him for 1 week. This past Saturday he called and asked if I wanted to meet to discuss his our emails to each other. So we met the next day, Sunday, and talked for 2-1/2 hours and then decided to go to dinner and talked for another 3 hours. It was wonderful, we finally had a quality conversation where we both felt safe to discuss our feelings. It included him saying that he really missed me, and that he just doesn't know why he can't seem to fall in love. We talked about our divorce and how he was still hurting from it, and how I am hurting from his recent betrayal (we reconciled and lived together). Although we are not anywhere close to getting back together, at least we are talking, and now feel comfortable with each other again. <P>We have decided to start going out on dates! I didn't ask if he was still going to date the OW, although he shared that he felt inadequate because he doesn't have feelings of being in love with her. He also told her that she should call her old boyfriend (the one she dumped for him)and see how that goes. The man apparently loves her unconditionally and is upset about their break-up. I don't think I should force him to end it, but that he should decide on his own. It seems like it's fizzling out anyway. Should I say something or not?<P>He mentioned a concert this Wednesday (tomorrow), but didn't ask me if I wanted to go or not. But, then yesterday, he emailed and asked if I wanted to go to it. Of course I said, yes. So tomorrow is our first date and I'm looking forward to it.<P>As I said though, I'm not going to get too excited as I view this a tiny baby steps. So, I'm taking this one day at a time. Anyone out there with suggestions on how I can create an atmosphere where he will feel like he is falling in love with me again? We've been together for over 20 years, so I know all his likes and dislikes, but I'd like for it to be new and exciting for us both. How does one do that when we know each other so well? Besides trying new and different things, any other ideas?<P>I'm all ears! Finally, a little hope and a lighter heart.

sdn,<P>You do give us hope girl!<P>I posted the same question a few weeks ago when my H and I had a date. I was so nervous about it. I got some great answers...keep it very very light. Talk about things that interest him (gag..i know). Look great, smell great, do not ask him anything about ow..this is your night, don't let thoughts of her ruin it.<P>I kind of pushed the intimacy the night H and I went out, and I do kind of regret it. Any intimacy that happens in the future has to MEAN something, not be a ploy to fill a need, which is what I think I was trying to do. It was fun, but left us both too confused. It was too soon.<P>The most fun of that night... when we got home we took our kids and the neighbor kids out teepeeing (toliet papering their freinds houses). Now that was a new thing, and we really just laughed a lot.<P>Be open to spur of the moment ideas. If you want to sit all night at a diner and talk after the concert..go for it. If you want to go for a long drive do it. If it is just enough to spend a few hours together doing something you both love, enjoy the concert and go home. I tend to push my H too much, so if and when we "date" again, I will be a lady and go home alone afterwards. It's kinda weird to do that, but it has to be like real dating I think. <P>It just sounds like your H is really thinking and that is so great. There are many of us here that would love to hear those words. You sound like you are handling it excellently...not getting your hopes up too high, not calling him, ect.<P>Good luck, and please let us all know how it went. <P>allison<P>

Hey SDN,<P>I just wanted to write and say that I think you're doing everything right. Just my .02, and with the exchange rate, it's not even that much!!!!!!!<P>It sounds like you have some wonderful times ahead of you. It is so promising that he obviously doesn't love this OW, or 'think' that he does, as seems to be the case with most straying spouses here. Mine included.<BR>I also think it is so positive that he hasn't moved in with her. My H didn't move in with OW, but had thoughts of it, and had thoughts of marriage to her. Your H seems to be keeping his head - even though you have separated.<P>My very best wishes to you, and I hope you have a wonderful time on your date. Just enjoy each other and don't let her name be mentioned (that's a mistake I made too often).<P>Please let us know how it goes<P>Jo

Allison--<P>Thanks so much for your advice and yes, I will be a lady tonight! As much as I want to be intimate with him, I know I'm not ready for that yet. It feels great that he has initiated contact with me, because now I know he has been thinking of me. Your suggestions are just what I needed to hear from others who have gone through this. <P>Jo--<BR>I'll take your .02 worth and more!! I will be mindful not to mention the OW at all. You and Allison are right, it is our night and I don't want any thoughts or mention of her at all.<P>I'm nervous, almost like a school girl. I'll post again tomorrow to let you know how it went! Cross your fingers!!<P>Thank you, sdn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sdn:<BR><B>I don't think I should force him to end it, but that he should decide on his own. It seems like it's fizzling out anyway. Should I say something or not? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I'm going to give you an alternative opinion.<P>I think that by seeing him again you are opening yourself up to a lot of pain. He is still seeing the same OW that he left you for. I think it would be different if he was just "dating" in general and wanted to date you. In this case, I think you are in a de facto "Plan B" and a break with the OW should be final before any dating, or at least any return to intimacy.<P>

sdn,<P>Good luck with your date. You have been given great advice. I would suggest just be yourself. After all that is who you want him to fall in love with isn't it. No need to discuss the OW, she will either fade or dominate the situation again and you can do nothing about that. It is his decision there.<P>So go have fun and look at your knowledge of him as an advantage. You know the inside jokes and the funny moments of life, don't be afraid to remember them.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Mike C2,<P>Thanks for your reply. When I said "seeing" he means it as date once in a while, not regularly or exclusively. He has encouraged her to date others. <P>I'm being cautious about this and taking it for what it is: He initiated contact after 2 months, continues to stay in touch, and asked me out.<P>JL,<P>Thanks your responses and for showing me other perspectives. You've been great and straight forward, I needed it. I'll post tomorrow to let you all know how it went.<P>Blessings to you all, sdn

sdn,<P>I can't wait to hear how it went! <P>Have a wonderful time tomorrow night. I'll be thinking of you. You sound ready.<P>allison <BR>