Hi<P>I could do with some advice if possible, fistly a brief outline of my situation.<P>In April of last year I found out my wife of 12 years had been involved in an affair, the affair was over, it had lasted 3 months and the news destroyed me. I spent the next 9 months trying to recover from this news, my wife has been very supportive and has tried so hard to help us recover and move forward. From the very begining of learning about my wifes affair I tried to expain to her that the hardest thing for me was that it felt to me like I had lost that "special feeling" for her. That special feeling has still not come back I have tried to find it again but its just never returned.<P>In February this year I started an affair with one of my wifes "friends", up until that point I had never been unfaithful to my wife, I had never even considered being unfaithful but it happened, the affair is still going on. I have stopped it on several occations because I feel so guilty and know first hand just how much pain and suffering affairs can bring. But I now realise just how powerful affairs can be, I think I am redescovering that "special feeling" with this OW, as the affair has progressed we have fallen in love and stopping it is becoming very difficult.<P>My current situation is that we have discussed the possibility of leaving our partners to be together, I have told her I need some time to think this through, we both have kids and are concerned for them but we are in love or is it just the fantacy of our affair.<P>I am not sure what advice I am asking for, I just wanted to hear some peoples opinions as its obviously difficult to discuss this with friends.<P>Thanks<P>pitin

Welcome to MB.<P>I haven't seen your posts before and don't know if you've read the links NSR has in "Just Found Out".<P>There is a lot of fantasy in an affair.<P>Do you think you lost the "special feeling" because your wife had an affair?<P>If so, your affair is even more of a fantasy. Put yourself in your OW's h's shoes. If she is not faithful to him, she is not likely to be to you either.<P>Hope that is not harsh, but I thought a lot when I found out about my h's 18 months of leading a double life in 2 affairs. I realized if we couldn't work it out, I would need to leave and then find someone. I would want to find someone who wouldn't cheat!<P>It sounds like you are saying your wife was very supportive and tried hard, but you may not have had the tools to move on.<P>So I come back to my question, have you read some of the Harley material? Especially the book Surviving an Affair. It was our manual in recovery.<P>We were very doubtful we could feel in-love again. He was in-love with OW, not me. I felt little for him beyond the pain.<P>But we followed through step by step and we are falling in-love again.

Hi schizzo<P>Thanks for the welcome to MB.<P>I have posted here before, not many times, I mainly come here to read. During recovery from my wife’s affair I did read books and posted on other web sites, I received alot of support, a friend I made from another site suggested I come here.<P>I have read some of the Harley material but not the book Surviving an Affair. <P>I realise that there is alot of fantasy in an affair, I have read this time and time again but when you are involved in one its easy to overlook that, the feelings are very, very real.<P>Its difficult to explain that "special feeling" but it definitely disappeared when I found out about my wife’s affair and I just can’t seem to get it back, perhaps because my OW is now providing those needs?<P>I never thought I would be the "sort of person" to cheat, I dont think there is such a person, my OW is the same, she had never been unfaithful to her husband. I think having an affair is not built into your personality it happens and many people who have an affair never plan to do so.<P>I honestly feel that I can’t love my wife as I did, I wish I could but her affair destroyed what we had and now that I am wrapped up in an affair of my own, fanacy or reality I find myself slipping further and further away from her.<P>pitin<BR>

Think about the next 10, 20 years.<P>Do you think a new marriage that started as an affair will really do better?<P>The beauty of Harley is that he teaches that those feelings are CREATED and can be recreated. That is what my h and I are doing.<P>No, it's not a type of person. I agree.<P>So why can't you feel it again for you w, no matter what she does? It can't be because you think she is a bad person, since you and OW are in the same boat. That is the big hangup of us betrayeds who have never cheated. But I got over it.<P>She was vulnerable, you were vulnerable.<P>You have to decide what you want to do and look at the long term, not just the short term.<P>Does your w know about your affair?

I know that I have to think about the future, if I were to leave my wife for the OW would things work out between us, I know my wife would never have me back if they didn’t.<P>Will a new marriage that started as an affair do better? I'm not sure on that one, it could work out but it could fail but surely that’s the same with any marriage?<P>Perhaps I have fallen out of love with my w? I dont think she is a bad person and yes I am in the same boat I just dont feel the same about her.<P>What would I like?.... I wish I could recapture that feeling for my wife, we have a 12 year marriage 3 lovely kids and a history, maybe I am being selfish thinking just about myself? I know I am being selfish having an affair. My wife knows nothing about my affair.<BR>

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>