As you know, I am not talking to or seeing my H while he maintains this "We just like working together, antimaterialism, missionary thing with OP"<P>So, he now constantly gets the kids.....takes them away...he's flying them to Mass. this weekend...(so much for the antimaterialism thing!!!!!) Takes one for an overnighter during the week..and sees them 2 times a week.<P>I think I mentioned I moved here for H's job...no family, no close friends...this is a small town and everyone knows what's going on......<P>The only nursing licence I have is in Pa. It has been in inactive status since I had my first child (11 years ago)...thanks to my H....who kept giving me good reasons to stay home....."one parent should be with the kids" "your salary will go to taxes" Plus we moved three times...and I had 2 more kids....so here I am.<P>I have a very good friend in Pa who can help me get a good part time job as a nurse, most likely not as a staff nurse.<P>It's very far from H. (8 hour drive) but there is family and friends there for support...it is my hometown...<P>He can afford to fly to see them..its' not so much different than what he is doing now..taking them places every time he has them for a weekend.<P>I don't want to do it out of spite, so I am waiting for my emotions to quiet....but the kids have to depend on someone right now...It will be much easier for me to get a job there...I'd have support and I wouldn't be in this town with "this" going on.....<P>I have always maintained to him that I am willing to work on the marraige, but he seems to keep wanting it the way it is....getting his high at work, seeing the kids so he's not the bad guy, and not dealing with the marraige.<P>I will not go for the D...he will have to do that....<P>It is very hard to begin working again after being out of the work force for 11 years. It would be nice to be in an area I know, where I have a lot of connections....what do you think?????<P>I discussed the matter with kids counselor...she thinks that I do have to be happy for them to be happy...<P>I have been VERY supportive of H to kids...I always tell them that he is not doing this to them, that he is having a difficult time right now, that we have to have faith we will be OK, that he loves them, that he will always see them whenever he wants...but that for me to be able to take care of them the way that I need to, that I may need to be in a place where I can get a job and have support....<P>I'm afraid to ask advice about this, my MIL keeps telling me that this is my cross to bear..and I have to stay because of the kids.... That's why I am giving myself some breathing room....<P>

Reading your post, it seems to me that you are pretty sure that this would be a good thing for you and your children. I would have to agree. All the points you've made seem very logical and practical. In other words, this does not sound like a rash decision. You're right, in PA, you would have family and friends who could offer their support. You have potential job offers to support you and the children. Plus, you'd have your family who can give better advice & support than "you have to stay because of the children," or, "this is your cross to bear." How did it become your cross?? Wasn't your H the WS? <BR>Anyhow, my opinion is that this is a great option for you and your children.<BR>

TTMF<P>thanks so much for your reply. I know I don't have to tell you how painful all of this has been....I had one of those "out of nowhere" experiences when my H, who has told me and showed me every day he loved me, came home from a mission trip with OP.<P>I heard all the "it's you" stuff you read here. I can't tell you how cruel this is coming from a man I loved and trusted so much, and who has been cultivating a "friendhip" with OP for 10 hours a day (with her help)<P>Not that after 13 years of being together do I NOT see my part in the emotional needs thing!!!<P>But H's family has pretty much been my family...my mom and dad died when I was newly married. His mom is very opinionated. I tend to take things as being my fault....anyway...I too often try to defend myself.<P>Anyway, Everyone in his family, including his mom, feels horrible about what H has done, but they always give him an out...that's the way H is...he isa conflict avoider...he doesn't like commotion (we have three kids...he had a part in it!!) etc. etc.<P>I have followed my H and supported him for many years.....I'm really feeling like, I need to take care of me,,, which will be better for the kids....since I am with them... I was once very independent...I went to college, grad school and purposely did not marry until age 30!!!<P>Anywya, my H is "druging" his depression. I cannot help him any more... He has to figure it out for himself...meanwhile I have to get a life don't I...<P>Thanks for your support...I don't have much!!

Hi too:<P>DO you think your h would object to you moving 8 hours away? I only ask because my attorney told me I am only allowed to move 60 miles away from my h. <P>Of Course my h is happy about that. Although an hour is a long time to drive during the week to spend time with your kids. <P>I unfortunately have all my family and friends right here in town so I have no where to go to. Sometimes I wish I did. I wish I could do a real plan b on husband instead of running into him at my kids games and all. <P>I am so tired of all this mess and his meanness. Things have calmed down lately because I have had no contact with him in days. I prefer it that way. <P>I think if you can move and get near family and friends, that would be a huge plus for you. Have you talked to the kids about it yet? How would they feel about leaving all their school friends. Sometimes that can be tough. <P>Just way all your options before you make any decisions. I will predict that this will give your h a real wake up call.<P>Take care!!!!

Missy, I talked to the attorney. He said My H could make a stink, but as long as I am not doing it out of spite, I would most likely win.<P>Let's face it...this is not my Home...I do have the opportunity to get a job in Pa. My H did say he's "changed" though into what we don't have a clue.<P>How can I really depend that he will not change again...what if doing a yearly mission thing is not enough??/ What if he wants to go and live there??? He doesn't have a great track record with his jobs...which is unusual for a physician, but not for my H or anyone in his family...they all tend to blame "out there" for their unhappiness!!!!

Hi TT,<P>You are a brave soul to even consider moving. I'd ask if you're sure it wouldn't be a victory for OW if you left, but I sense you are beyond that reasoning...which is good.<P>If you do it, please be sure you are doing it for yourself and your kids. Have you talked to your therapist about this? Do you think it may be too soon? Would the kids blame you because they are missing their dad? Are you sure you're not considering this because it could be a major kick in the pants to get your H off the fencepost? Just playing a little devils advocate here.<P>I agree a new start would be great, but in times of great stress adding more stress would be really piling it on. Moving is a huge stresser.<P>Also, H could legally block you from doing this if he chose to, not to mention your MIL. Just the thought of losing her grandchildren will really send her.<P>Take your time on this one TT, but if you go, please take your computer. I'd miss ya.<P>allison<P>

Ditto on the computer thing Allison!!!!

Allison, I am waiting till I get a clear head.... As you know I am in planB...<P>Let's remember my H came home from this trip saying he wanted to leave because "I wanted to be the kids' buddy and he didn't." Plus he said i was a good mother (like it was a bad thing for him now that he understands that work and Op and strangers are more imp)<P>My MIL does not live here either...Neither of us has family here...she is closer to Pa as are all of his sibs..they want me to be closer to them (the sibs,,,not the MIL)<P>MIL thinks that H should have his way no matter what...this is part explanation of H's behavior...he always got his way!!!!<P><BR>I can absolutely tell you OP is not the problem or the solution for H..she is too needy and insecure herself...I do not think it would push him into her...and if it did they would fall badly....<P>Having said all of that..I do love my H...I do love him unconditionally, I am not looking for romance at all or another marraige.....I also know my H better than anyone, including himself...He is a smart man, but stupid...do you know what I mean..I am not as smart IQwise as him but I "know" more.....he knows it too...it bugs him I think....he is trying to outsmart me...that's OK...I pray he is finally growing up...so am I!!!!<P>As I've said, me moving would not stop my H from leaving his job....this is his 4th job in 11 years and as I've said, for a surgeon, that is really not a great track record.<P>I in now way believe that this 'thing' he is going through is the answer for him.....I will still be strong for him...I just need to be strong for me and the kids....also!!!!<P>And Yes, he will get MIL in the pix to give me a hard time...it will be awful, but via my own counseling I am learning to trust myself!!!!! believe in myself.......take care of myself!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>I'm going away with the kids for almost the whole month of July...to get away from here and the emotional turmoil.....I am waiting until I get home to make my decision, but I am going forward on getting my licence reinstated and having my friend look for a job for me...<P>I have been very careful with the kids when discussing it.....they know I do need to be where I can take care of them..they aren't feeling very secure with H either....it was only last summer he talked to them about telling the truth no matter what and told them he would never leave them..we would always be together....<P>Telling his D in counseling that he is sad and confused too is not too inspiring..that's all he can say to them right now..and yet he still refuses to do anything about OP even though his counselor and the marraige counselor told him he would not feel a connection to us while he was obsessed with this 'thailland, missionary, antimaterislistic' relationship with OP

I can only tell you my experience. It is different because my kids were both at college and it didn't affect them that much where I lived. We lived in a small town where everyone knew once the secret was out. There was NO WAY I could stay and take it once I found out. I immediately resigned my teaching job, packed up my things and left to go back to where my family was. It was good timing for me because school had just let out for the year. My family was also 8 hours away. At that point I was so disappointed and angry with my husband of 24 years that I didn't care if he followed me or not. I thought it was over, cut and dry. Well, he thought about it for a week and followed me down here. Today we are together and going to counseling and doing quite well. I guess my point is that you do have to do what is good for yourself. You have rights, too. Just make sure that it is what you really want.

TT,<P>That is the strongest I have ever heard you sound in a post. You have really grown so much in the last couple of months. You are thinking so clearly now...good thing cuz hubby doesn't sound like he's spending much time in the thinking stage of this.<P>Trust yourself to make the right choice. <P>I'd need my family right now, thank God they all live close to me. I bet your vacation will really help you make your decision.<P>Way to grow TT!<P>allison

Hi TT,<P> Have you read much of the Harley books etc?....he says that if the betrayer won't give up the OP then pack your bags up and kids and move far away(plan B). I never did since all of my friends were in the town we were in but I think in your case it makes PERFECT sense.....Good luck to you, you really are sounding stronger....do what is best for you and the kids.....LU

I think it sounds like a plan, and a good one. <P>Let us know what you finally decide, okay?<BR>TNT

Thanks so much for your replies...I really need some objective advice. <P>My emotional well being has been demolished. It is still difficult for me to believe that my H, who was affectionate, kind and conciderate, became this selfabsorbed cruel person.....no matter what needs of his I was not meeting.<P>I've been in counseling since the beginning and am also getting advice from kids counselor, but a lot of advice comes from MIL......she means well and loves me and the kids very much and hurts for us, but pretty much likes to sweep it under the rug...<P>I've pretty much let my H run the show decision wise in our marraige...he pretty much did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it....not meanly, but himself first!!!! <P>Anyway, it is just me!!!! I have to depend on me!!!!!!!! <P>But I do appreciate all of your objective advice. It makes me feel stronger..<P>I will go away for July, clear my hurt emotions and come back in August and decide. I'll let you know.