This is how I look at my H's A.<P>It was a perfect A for my H. I was a very nice wife and a good mother, never nagged, didn't complain much, took care of kids, worked part-time, cooked nice meal, didn't ask for money, supported him emotionally, shared values. <P>What was missing? FUN! No going out, no fun sex, no fun together. After babys, I gave up on having fun, became a mother, and he became a father. But he didn't give up on his fun. He kept going to play volleyball, drinking, golfing, fishing, etc... without me. I know it's my own fault! And his. We were doing this totally wrong.<P>When he met this OW, there was nothing to worry about but having fun with her. Right, I set up a perfect affair for him. He made good money and he had nothing else to achieve anymore, by the way his wife was so boring! I maintained our home nice and warm, so he went to have a pure excitement outside. He had SO MUCH FUN playing, talking, drinking and having sex with the OW, after d-day he misses her so bad.<P>He read SAA, talked to Dr. H, got basic concepts into his head. Then what he figured out? He turned his guilt feeling into "I love the OW. This is a romantic love I never felt toward you." Oh he liked this concept, let me tell ya. "I never loved you like I do for her, sorry I tricked you and married you but that's how I really feel now."<P>See, if he loves her, there is nothing wrong to have sex with her!!! Was unfortunate that he met me before he met the OW. That was too bad. So he goes "I wish I could love you the way you want me to." to resolve this tragidy on his own.<P>Now he implies "I wish you enjoy my stuff like biking, and playing ball etc..." meaning "Oh you're so boring, we are so imcompatible, this is not going to work..."<P>Because he had the A, he tries to throw our whole marriage, our 5 &2 yr kids lives, the last 8 years of my life and the love we did have, into a dump. Oh those things were just mistakes for him now.<P>What I think is, listen, "You DON'T love her, you love the fun of ****ing her, and the fun meant so much to you, you just clinging to it and can't let it go!" And I'm not gonna wait forever.<P>As you can see, there is no sign of forgiveness... I'm still in planA, and I'm so mad, bad bad bad day, had to spill all out somehow. Excuse my language, this is NOT a good post. I know. Please ignore. I'll be good from now on.

I am the rollercoaster, now I'm crying and trying to forgive. It was just 2 LBs in a row, accidently those 2 made me this angry and upset. He is in withdrawal and I knew that. God, my God, please I need your help now. I don't know what to do. I don't know what not to do. Nobody listen to me... because I'm a stranger? I need a help, I'm going crazy.

Alien,<P>{{{{{{{{{{ALIEN}}}}}}}}}}<P>I thought you needed a hug befor e we 'talk"<P>Hon I know how badly you are hurting. I have heard those words, I don't love you, I never did. All of it. It cuts to the bone and then through it.<P>Now is the time to try to show him that there is some fun left in you. It's hard I know especially when he is saying these things and you hurt so bad. But you need to let him know that the woman he married, the woman he loved (he did you know, he's forgotten, but if there was no love he wouldn't have married you and stayed as long as he has.) is still there.<P>Why not arrange for a family member ar trusted friend to watch the little ones and you and H have a day out , doing something he likes and then maybe something you like. My h's biggest complaint was I didn't want to go anywhere, or do anything fun. He was right. I hate crowds of people, being out in the heat, the things he likes bores me silly. But we have to make the effort to let them see we aren't just wives and moms, we are also women with life in us , who want to have fun too, please try, it couldn't hurt.<P>Deb

Alien,<P>First of all, (((((((((((ALIEN))))))))))<P>This is coming from the other side of the fence. You said it!!!! He had the world. You and OM. <BR>But let me help you out on something. What he is saying to you is in the "fog". Me is "in love" with the "fun". It has nothing to so with HER. <BR>I promise this will get better. <BR>I was the very same way. I thought I was head over heels. Now I have realized that it wasnt "him". It was the needs that he was filling. One of my needs were affreection. That he was the best at. <BR>My H was the financially stable one. I was to. But he was a very good provider. I thought that I didnt love H to. When deep deep down in my hidden heart I did. It was just that the feeling had been so dormant for so long that I didnt know that it even existed. I was in teh fog. Then REALITY sat in. That was the roller coaster for me. I said the same things to my H. I was just so caught up in the fog that I didnt even know where I was. Much less who I was. <P>Baby! Sit down! Take a deep breathe!!!! And thank God that he had given you the life with your children. <P>I dont think this A. Is any different than mine. This is just a need getting filled. That is what it boils down to.<P>She isnt a more special person than you are. She is just there to fill a need. And that was having fun. I know this is ver very painful. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. <BR>Your in step one of this matter. You have made a start. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.<P>Withdraw is SO DAMN HARD. The easiest thing for you to do. Is to be his friend. Just pray that God give you strength to be his friend. That is what I needed most. <BR>PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ALIEN!!!! DONT DO WHAT MY H IS DOING!!!!<P>He is just pushing me into wanting Om again. I have talked and talked and talked. <P>You have a good shot here honey! Take the ball and run!!!! You will also find peace in the bible. Read it. Just pray for comfort. <BR>I still haev bad days. I want Om so bad right now that I am contemplating in my head on how I can call him. I just pray that God take the desire away. <P>Good Luck to you Alien. Dont vent on H. Vent here with us!!!!<P>Remember FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!<P>Prayer<BR>Renee<BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

This morning my H started to talk about moving out. The reason was in "BUSTED big", my last post before this. (I snooped around and he found out about it.) So I said "Go, if you want to". But he isn't going to move in w/OW, I guess he just want to travel and want to be alone. Fine. There is a hope. He mentioned if the OW calls him again, MAYBE he'll tell her not to call or he won't talk to her. Let's see if he'll do that.<P>Meanwhile I might start getting ready for moving to somewhere around Seattle, I'm in Wisconsin now. My MIL will help me and my kids to go out there and look for houses and stuff. If he comes with me, that's fine, if he doesn't, that's fine too. I told him that, and he kind shifted his words from "moving out" to "travelling", "going fishing and camping alone" to "maybe I wanna go to Seattle with you guys." Whatever. I just want to have my firm ground in WA, since lot of oriental poppulation there. Close to home. With him or without him, I'll move there anyway.<P>I knew I was too dependent on him, and he told me that this morning. That's pretty much the core of our problem. And also his personality problem, which he realizes. I'll talk to my counselor... hopefully soon.<P>Anybody lives by Seattle or west of WA? Can I gather some info????<P>Thanks so much for your replies, those hugs you gave me meant so much. I will keep praying.

Dear Alien,<BR>I am hearing that same word "fun"!!! H has told me he just wants to have "fun" - so that's what I am working on. Have taken up golf so we can play together. Same here - think I had focused so much on our children that H probably was neglected - we lost each other. I have admitted my part in attributing to making things ripe for an A.<BR>Hang in - he hasn't left yet - read the post on Dr. Dobson's article - very good. I don't know how to do the links or insert smiley faces like everyone else on this site - wish I could. Perhaps if you let him know as Dr. D suggests that he if "free" to leave, his choice, - might make him do a 360.<BR>Inamess - thank you for your perspective and your encouragement!!! What is your H doing that is pushing you away? Any advice you can offer us is greatly appreciated - don't know if you have read any of my posts on jfo.<BR>Let's all pray and continue to support one another... A

Never underestimate the power of fun, a.k.a. "recreational needs."<P>It's so easy to lose track of the "fun" we had when dating. House, kids, mortgage, jobs, responsibilities -- "fun" tends to get lost in these things.<P>I had nothing to go on in my plan A in terms of what my H's needs were. But one word came out in one of our rare discussions: "boring." Read also: No Fun.<P>So I started going on his morning hikes with him instead of letting him go alone. I scoured the papers looking for things we could do together. I booked hotel "getaway" weekends. And even though we have no kids, it made a big difference.<P>He's kind of slacked off on the fun stuff now; just likes to stay home on weekends and catch up on his sleep. So again it's up to me to do the work.<P>It's so easy for us to decide that the things we do to run the household ought to be enough. Obviously they're not.<P>Alien, is there anything you can do at this point to try to fill some of those recreational needs?

Alien,<P>I just got real bad news here. So im in a hurry. I just wanted to check up on you. You can read the thread to Bonnet. That may help you also. <P>I went to the bible bookstore today. And guess what God sent me. A book by Ed Wheat. the title is "Holding a marriage together alone". Is that fitting or what? It was only about $4.00. I have read the first few pages. And it is great. It is put in Gods perpective. I felt better after 3 pages. <BR>Go get his one. And look for others. There is all kinds there. Do this for yourself. <BR>Take care<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Thanks, I'm afraid things are going down really fast and there is not much room for fun anymore.<P>I went to see my counselor to talk about my emaill LB and OW's call. He suggested to ask the bottom line question "Do you want me to trust you?" My H didn't have an answer yet, said he's really mad, need to calm down. Left house and staying out in our camper 30 miles away.<P>He said it was terrible about me saying "my kids are going to call Daddy whoever I re-marry, if this marriage doesn't work out." So I apologized that hurt his feelings, I didn't mean he cannot have them at all, didn't mean I'm going to give him hard time about seeing kids, I just meant that I want them to have a family, and I am their family. I might not even re-marry, but I'm the one they come home to. I didn't even mention that he did things hurt me so badly for last 2 months. And I said, I want to become your wife again, I want you to be their dad, I'll do anything to make that happen.<P>What did I say wrong? He said he's still mad at something, and he can't tell me. I can't think anything else but,<BR>He loves the OW so much, or he really wants to get rid of me, but he still wants to have his kids as his family. He can't say "it's over" because he's afraid to lose his kids. He's angry because I don't offer him the option to make him happy without me but with kids? He's angry because he can't separate me and kids?<P>I said he can still see them, he is always their father, I tell them that their father always loves them, they will keep loving him, I promised that I'd never say anything bad about him to his kids.<P>Am I shooting totally wrong direction? He's beyond me. What is he mad at? Himself? I don't even care if he's sleeping with her right now. I just want to know what's wrong with him. If being apart from kids are that painful, why won't he even try to work it out with me? He hates me that bad? What have I done?<P>I was tying to enjoy, make myself happy, trying to move on. I never brought up any discussion, he did, for last couple weeks. He wouldn't spend time with me, wouldn't have sex with me, wouldn't go over ENs, wouldn't talk to my counselor. Total refusal now.<P>Everybody including my counselor said I've said what I could, leave him alone for a couple days and see what he does. Is he a psyco? I see no hope now. Yet I keep praying for him. God, what's is wrong with him?<p>[This message has been edited by alien (edited June 30, 2000).]