Jo, <P> I was reading your reply to John. It was the thread about OM#1 & 2.<BR> I noticedin that reply that you said that you had to let H go. You had to get things worked out yourself. You had to start working on yourself. I think that is what I need to focus on. You can read the threads that I have posted. I know that I am the WS. It just seems taht I am doing the job of the BS. <BR>This thing is draining me by the minute. <BR>I guess that question taht i have for you is. What did you do to start working on yourself? I still have that desire. If not for the OM then someone else. I of course dont want that to happen. However, I am in contact with various men throughout my work day. I seldom deal with women. <BR>I am very weak at this moment. I just want to foucs on myself. I need alot of self building to do. I just dont know where to start.<P>I thought you may be able to help. I am trying to stay stong. But plan B is looking better my the day. <P>Thanks <BR>Renee

Hi inamess,<P>I don't know where to start. I'll try and give a succinct response.....<P>It's been some 12 months since I found out my h had an affair with someone he worked with, absolutely didn't want to work on our marriage, so I left, and he's had 2 other 'relationships' since the first one, making it 3 in total. He's one very mixed up puppy!!!!!<P>What did I do to work on myself? I read, and read, and read. I also came here, and learnt so much from others who had gone through what I was going through, and who had moved on. Dealt with what they had to. And done it so admirably.<P>When I moved away from my H, I had to move 2000 kms, 2 states away. I moved to where my family lived, my parents and my sister. They gave me their unconditional love and support. They started me on the road to realising that all was not totally lost, I was not useless, I'm not a loser, and I AM WORTH SOMETHING. TO SOMEONE.<BR>Even if only to my children and my family, I am worth something. That was my first step to re-building myself. Realising that I was a valuable human being. <BR>And please, no matter what side of the fence you may be on, you are worth something. A lot. I don't know your story, but I'm going to go back and read everything I can when I have finished this.<P>I also was studying at Uni at the time, which took my mind off things. Made me think about something else other than myself. I also applied to do charity work, although it never came to fruition. My child-free days didn't coincide with when they needed someone, but that is something i have wanted to do for such a long time. I have always been aware that no matter what my situation, there is always someone worse off than me. I will do it (charity work) one day.<P>I also took time out for me. I went to the hairdresser - not ofen - as being on benefits as a single parent doesn't allow for the 4 weekly hairjobs that I used to have!!! I also did my nails (myself) and took care with my appearance.<BR>Although, there is one post from me in cyberspace (of which I am mortally embarrassed) about no makeup, big comfy knickers, socks because I had just put cream on my feet and not terribly much effort where the hair was concerned!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I am still mortified I even wrote that, but god we laughed at the time. A girlfriend came to the door, and saw me like that. She just about keeled over laughing. With girlfriends like that, how can you not put your life back on track.??<P>I spent a lot of time with my sister, and my girlfriends. We pondered the mystical subject of men, we berated men, we hated men, we loved men, we wanted to beat men up.......it goes on and on and on.<BR>But I have so many wonderful memories of lunches, or coffee's with girlfriends and my sister, where we did nothing but talk about men, and generally, what my H was doing, saying etc etc Eventually that grew boring and tedious even for me.<P>I went to the movies, to try and make myself interesting and knowledgeable whenever I spoke to anyone new. At least I could say, "yep, I've seen that and wasn't it wonderful. or wasn't it awful"<P>I also spent a lot of time with my children, exploring my 'new' old home town. A town I hadn't lived in since I was 19. I'm now 34. It has changed so much, and I had so much to re-discover and explore. Again, I have so many wonderful memories and moments that I have shared with my babies (2 girls, nearly 5 and just turned 2) I cherish them.<P>It is so hard, when we all march to the beat of a different drum. But one thing we all have in common is that we are all worth something. A lot. Please don't ever forget that.<P>The best thing for me was to fill my days. Even if I was only doing the grocery shopping, I wrote it in my diary. It then meant that I had something to do, had to get dressed, had to put makeup on (even if minimum) and had to get out there. I had to face people.<P>I still hate the fact that I no longer have wedding rings on. The older people look at my 2 beautiful girls, then look at my ring finger. I am still so self-conscious that I am a single parent. However, that was not my choice, and that is becoming easier to live with day by day.<P>I got out THERE. Wherever 'there' is. I just did things. Even if it was just going to the park.<P>That is how I did it, how I moved on. I kept myself busy. It may not seem much, I'm no CEO of a multinational, I have no exciting job (well, not at the moment!!) and I'm no Cindi Crawford...... but I triumphed.<BR>You will too.<BR>I got my self esteem back, and so will you.<P>I have to credit some people here at this point, my parents, my sister, and then there's MB. Wonderful MB.<BR>In particular, NSR, Lostva, Ceecee, WilliamJ, Rollercoaster, Medic, Mental, and the list goes on and on. There are so many wonderful people here who pulled me through my darkest hours, when I didn't know who I was, where I was going, or even if I wanted to go on......<BR>I could never ever thank them enough.<P>So there you have it. In a nutshell. We grow pretty big nuts down here you know!!!!!!<P>I did things. Just things. Always had something going on. Coffee, lunch, popping next door which ended up being 2 hours etc etc etc.<P>I'll look forward to chatting more with you. I hope I've helped somewhat, I'll try and ponder some more for you.<P>I'm sending a big hug to you right now, take care and know that I'm thinking about you<P>Jo<P>

Bonnet,<P>That was such a great post. Wish Jim was here, I'd suggest it as a "Notable". <P>The thing is, you did all of these things for yourself. I still tend to do things for my H, looking like a slob all day, until an hour before he comes to get the kids, and then jumping in the shower and fixing myself up. You "got it". Did them for YOU, to make yourself feel better. I have never been the quickest learner in the world, but I am printing up your post and keeping it close at hand. You are in inspiration.<P>thanks,<P>allison

Bonnet,<P>Thanks so mcuh for the inspiration. This has been a very depressing day for me. I jusst found out that My aunt (that I most admired for her faith in god) (the one that told me what to do in this marriage) has been admitted to the hospice house. She has had cancer for 3 years now. I guess it is time for God to take her home. <BR>This is so hard to deal with. I was just going to call her and tell her what was going on. <BR>I dont know how thsi is going to go. They give her until July 4 to love. Which H and I are leaving for vacation saturday.<BR>I am so upset! The time that I need her most then this happens. SHEW!!!!!!! <P>On a positve note! I went to the bible book store today. I found the most awesome book ever. This is better than Harleys.<BR>The name is "HOLDING A MARRIGE TOGETHER ALONE" Is that fitting or what. I just read a few pages of it. It is just reassuring the verses in the bible. And what God would want us to do. The Author is Ed Wheat. This is the book that God sent. It is telling how to stay stong even when the spouse isnt home. even though that isnt the situation here. I know this may be helpful to you.<P>Bonnet, Im praying for you and I wish you and your girls the best....<P>Get this book!!!!!!!! It is great. Just the first 2 pages. IT is only about 7o pages long.<P><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Renee,<P>I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. It is so difficult when a loved one has to go.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>