Before I start, again thanks to all who responded to my last post. <P>Nellie I am still around! Thanks for your kind words and interest!<P>And Jim, no words can ever express my gratitude to you. I know opposite sex posters usually don't meet but seeing as I am not avavilable, don't plan to be, and would NEVER have an afair. The next time you are in the Chicago area I'd love to buy you lunch as a way to thank you for your wisdom, compassion and strength. <P>On to the bussiness at hand.....<P>Back ground for those not familar with me:<P>H's affair lasted (as in past tense ) 13 years.<P>Discovery was 3 years ago (1997) when he moved in with OW.<P>Left OW after living with her one year (1998) and moved back home.<P>Left me again a year later (1999) and returned to OW.<P>The past year is when I found MB. I plan Aed my heart out. H started telling me what a mistake he had made back in Nov of 99. He wanted to come home. His words were there, as were his excuses as to why he couldn't come home quite yet. His actions when he was with me were usually loving, kind, all the things one wants in a mate. However he was still lying to me BIG TIME. I am a snoop by nature so holding it all in for so long was beginning to take its toll on me. <P>At one point I told him he I couldn't go on seeing him if he was still with OW. He had to decide who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, I made it very clear it would not be both of us.It was a sort of plan B oral version. We had been intimate together, he was wooing me and I was more of the OW than she was, as he lived with her and snuck around to see me. His reaction to not seeing me was one of fear, BIG fear. That was a few months ago.<P>He kept giving me time frames for when he would end things with her. A month, a few more weeks, by the weekend, just a few more days, etc. Folks, I heard them all and then some. <P>The last time frame he gave me was. " I swear I will be home by Father's Day." He came over on Father's Day but WITHOUT his belongings. That was it for me. I didn't even need to say anything he saw it in my eyes and my demeanor. Quickly, I assume so the whole day wouldn't be ruined and he wouldn't find a for sale sign on the front lawn the next time he came over, he sat the kids and me down and told us he has been promising me he was moving home and had broken his promises. He said it wasn't fair to mom and he was going to give us all a day he would be home and he would NOT break it this time. He SWORE to them he would move back home Wed.<P>While this gave me a bit more hope, as I felt he wouldn't tell them this if his intenions weren't there, but I was still VERY skeptical. As he has lied to the kids before. <P>The kids reactions, to his telling them he was moving back home, kinda threw me a curve ball. The oldest asked if he could move back on the weekend instead of Wed. as she had a sports camp at school and didn't want to be upset if he failed to show. The youngest started to cry. I asked her why and she said she just didn't want to be hurt by dad any more. I asked her to translate that from feelings to her actual fears and she said if dad comes back she's afraid he'll leave again. <P>On top of this both of the kids wrote in their Father's Day cards that they'll still love him even though they won't be leaving with him. So I then got a bit more hopeful as it looked like his return would be motivated by him wanting me and not just the kids and the whole white picket fence illusion.<P>Wed. came and he called about midday. Things had gone horribly when he told OW he was leaving. Threats of suicide, law suits, how could you do this to me type of talk, you'll loose your entire family as they HATE your wife, I gave up my entire life for you and now your leaving me, you owe me a ton of money, I own half your business, and a lot more attempts to talk him out of leaving. <P>They talked all night Tues night. She requested three things from him.<BR> <BR>1) He gives her a certain amount of money to buy her out of the bussiness.<P>2) He tells NO ONE he left her. That everyone, and ESPECIALLY ME, is to be told SHE left him. She said he owes her that much.<P>3) He stays with her until Fri. As she is going to go stay with realitives 1500 miles away and she can't bear to watch him pack up again and leave her again. <P>HE told her Sat. was the deadline, gone or not he leaves then.<P>So he calls and tells me this. I say uh huh, sure. You made a promise to me and our children that it would be TODAY. I told him HE needed to tell the kids, I couldn't nor should I have to tell them. <P>He got here about 9:00PM, on Wed., told the kids a general overview and the eldest went nuts, told him she knew he didn't mean it when he said he would be home Wed and now he screwed up her performance at the sports camp for the rest of the week. The youngest told him, I knew you were lying to us dad. Then in order to defend his actions he told the kids OW wanted everyone to think she had left him so she could leave with her dignity intact, and that is why he would be moving back in on Sat. WRONG thing to tell the kids. They walked him (or more like beat him up) down memory lane about how THEIR dignity and THEIR MOM'S dignity wasn't an issue when he walked out on us twice. The youngest called OW some choice words I wouldn't dare type and said whores don't have or deserve dignity. <P>I was at a crossroads, my friends. While I agreed ,with my kids, if I didn't defend his actions it would probably be such a big LB that any reconciliation would have either been set back or destroyed. <P>So I backed him up. I told the kids this will be what's best for dad and that dad is under tremendous preasure, stress and we need to help him in any way we can. They looked at me like I had lost my mind and then said sure, ok, whatever, all accompanied by many teenage eyeball rolls.<P>When he left that night I knew then and there this time he WAS coming home. I put him above the kids, I was there for him at one of the most difficult times in his life. I put his well being above all others including myself. While I had been doing this almost all of our entire marriage this time it was different, he actually saw it. He knew I could have exploded and he even told me I had every right to do so. But I didn't.<P>That is what I think cemented his return.<P>So Thurs I emptied his closets of my things and his drawers. I made sure the house was emaculate. But I refused to set myself up for another disappointment, just in case. So I held back on buying anything that he would want or need in the way of groceries, etc. When the kids asked me what % of a chance I gave dad for coming back I told them I'd know better on Fri but at that point about .01% they laughed and agreed. Again, I didn't want to set them up for another disapointment either.<P>Fri afternoon I got *the* phone call I had been waiting for, praying for. She was gone. He would be going to her house after work to pick up the first of many loads of his belongings to be brought back to his *real* home.<P>About 10:00 he arrived. He walked through the door and said, "I'm home!" I gave him a big kiss, told him how much I loved him, and had him sit down with a cold drink and rest before we started to unload his car. <P>The kids said. "Oh, Hi Dad." And went on about their own business. I asked them later why weren't they more excited about dad's return. One told me. "What did you expect, a welcome home party for a man who left me twice and cheated on you?" The other said, "I wasn't excited mom, you wanted him back, I didn't." ::BIG SIGH:: Lots of repairs need to be done with the father/daughter relationships in this household.<P>He has since brought more of his things home. She will be gone at least another week, so he still has time to get the rest, and I know pretty much what was there, so I'm keeping a mental note of it all so if he doesn't bring it all back that could mean he isn't done with her yet. Yes, I am happy, but not stupid. <P>On our 22nd anniversary (the day after he came home)he brought me a dozen roses, a box of candy, a bouquet of baloons, and a card that said, "To My Wife On Our Anniversary... You are my partner in love and my soul's truest mate....You are the sharer of my dreams and my very best friend on this earth...Yours is the face I want to grow old with, and yours is the hand I want to hold at the end of each day for the rest of my life." Then he wrote. " The words on this card couldn't be closer to the way I feel today and every day. Love, XXOOO Husband. He took me out to see Gone in 60 Seconds and then out to dinner that night, too.<P>I still get tears in my eyes when I read the card and I read it several times a day. <P>Not that a card can make it all better but it sure is a nice little bandaid. <P>So there it is folks. The big homecoming revealed!<P>As the days go on more truths are devulged. I still have to watch myself not to LB. Somethings are not easy to hear about the OW, his plans with her and the life he had with her. But I want to hear them. I'm not asking he's telling on his own. I'd rather know, than not, it's just my nature.<P>We'll have other obsticals too, like when she does get back in the area, if she doesn't move out of state, I'll be up his butt 24/7 and he won't like that. Then there is that nasty little snooping habit I have. I have been living a single lifestyle for almost a year, this time, and I have to make an effort daily to be sure to think of him instead of just me and the kids.<P>All in all, I couldn't be happier. Ok, your right.... I could be happier if I could put life on rewind and erase the entire affair. And winning the lottery wouldn't hurt either. <P>Hugs to you all,<P>Fingers Crossed<P> <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fingers Crossed:<BR><B>We'll have other obsticals too, like when she does get back in the area, if she doesn't move out of state, I'll be up his butt 24/7 and he won't like that. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow, what an amazing story. I'm glad you got what you wanted, and I'm sure the kids will come around.<P>I think the one piece that is missing here is the breakoff from the OW. As I'm sure you know, the Harley's counsel a total NO CONTACT policy for ending an affair. Has he sent a breakoff letter to her as per the policy? If I were you, I'd make sure that their business, housing and financial ties are broken off totally and immediately, and she is out of your lives forever.<P>Mike<P><BR>

Fingers Crossed<BR>Thank you for sharing that! What a wonderful job you have done! <BR>Keep your H talking even though it hurts sometimes. There are many things that you can shelve once they are out in the open.<P>If your H works at it, the relationship with the kids will improve. They are gunshy right now and have every right to be. As long as he is willing and patient things with them can be better than ever.<P>My H and our youngest are closer now than they ever were before the affair. Things with my oldest are still very rocky. He was 18 when the worst of the affair occurred and moved out shortly after. I'm not sure what will happen there. What I have learned is that I need to stay out of it. It is my H's responsibility to heal his relationship with his children. I can make suggestions and encourage but I can't fix it.<P>You did great. Congratulations. Try not to get discouraged during the rough spots!<BR>You know that already though.

Mike<P>There wasn't any breakoff letter sent my H isn't the type to do that sort of thing. She was told verbally that this IS the END.<P>Of course after 13 years I doubt she'll give up that easy. I have told H this and he agrees we most likely have not seen or heard the last of her, just yet.<P>However the following are what we started with as far as safe guards:<P>I get his detailed cell phone bills sent to me, so no talky talky without wifey wifey knowing. <P>She has been removed from the company and I will be put on the company next week. <P>In the next month I will also be helping out at the company so I'll be with him most of the time. <P>He is being VERY accountable to me and she isn't even around right now. <P>He has brought back 10x's what he did last time already and he isn't finished hauling his belongings back yet. <P>He has agreed to let me know if she contacts him and he will not contact her and if he has to for a business related item he will tell my in advance. <P>There are more, I just don't remember them all right now.)<P>Another obstibcle we will have to overcome is her relationship with his family. They are VERY close to her and would love to see him back with her. ::<P>But for right now I am pretty confident it's over. It's hard to explain why I am so sure. I guess it's because of the dynamics of the affair, our marriage and my ability to tell when he is lying. <P>Thanks for your interest, kind words and concerns. <P>FC

Fingers Crossed,<P>What a wonderful anniversary, complete with reunion and a beautiful card! I'm so happy for you. My eyes welled up over the words in his card to you. <P>You are truly fortunate! May you have continued blessings and love.<P>sdn<BR>

wasstubborn<P>Thanks! I will conitnue to listen and encourage communication on *everything*. <P>I think the kids places with their dad will be a long tough road for him to go down. Of course I will suggest and encouage but as you said *HE* has mend those bridges.<P>Yep, I have had my share of rough spots. haven't I. <P>I wish the best to you and yours, as well.<P>FC<P>sdn<P>Thanks for your kind words. It was as if God planned H's return for our anniversary!<P>I know what you mean about the card too.<P>H isn't the type to give a sentimental card. And that makes this card even more special. <P>FC<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fingers Crossed:<BR><B>Mike, There wasn't any breakoff letter sent my H isn't the type to do that sort of thing. She was told verbally that this IS the END.</B><P>If I were you, I would take that step. It is an important symbol of closure. You can sit and write it for him. Bargain hard now while you have the upper hand. <P><B>He has agreed to let me know if she contacts him and he will not contact her</B><P>Good!<P><B> and if he has to for a business related item he will tell my in advance. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bad! NO CONTACT. Have a letter sent or an assistant or attorney call if an urgent business matter comes up. Rule 1: NO Contact. Rule 2: See Rule 1<P>Things are going the right direction now, but don't be surprised if he goes through a period of withdrawal from OW. It will be crucial that he have ZERO contact during that time in order to speed that withdrawal and hasten the rebuilding of your marriage. Any contact sets the clock waaaay back. If you set firm rules now, that will actually help him in the future.<P>Here's some reading on this: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> <P>Congrats! It is great to hear a success story!<P>Mike<P>

Mike<P>You know I think you're right! I'll write a letter with his input and sign it. He can send it to her place and if and when she returns it will be in writting, as well as verbally stated, that he is done with her for good.<P>I didn't realize that me writting the letter would work as well. I doubt H will have a problem with this. From the way he is talking and acting seeing OW again EVER is the last thing he wants. <P>Your right about the two rules too! No contact. PERIOD. I'll be sure he understands it. She'd have one hell of a time pulling it off anyway. Unless she will be sending smoke signals there won't be anyway of her contacting him with out getting through me first!<P>I really think once she finds out he didn't keep her little deception to himself, and told me and others, heck even his kids, that she didn't really dump him this will send her packing permanently. And I can assure you she WILL find out if she ever rears her head around my husband again. <P>I'm ready for his missing his old life style. Not only do I have ideas to deal with it on a day in day out basis but we're going away for a few weeks in July/Aug (just the two of us no kids a romantic island... Oooo LaLa!) and planning a Xmas New Year family vacation to Disney World! <P>Thanks for the congrats!<P>FC<P>

Hi Fingers Crossed,<P>Just want to say you have done a wonderful job! Your posts just sound so happy, and I am happy for you. Without people posting these success stories I would be lost with no hope. <P>Just goes to show ya'... Plan A works, no not every time, but a better percentage of times than I would have thought at the beginning of all of this.<P>Nice going girl. <P>allison

Allison<P>Thanks for your kind words!<P>I too know the depths of despair when it comes to affairs. I know how promising it feels to hear success stories, too.<P>My H said some horrible things to me, filed for divorce once and told so many lies I thought he'd forgotten how to tell the truth.<P>I know Plan A doesn't work for everyone, but I feel if done properly and the WS still loves the betrayed there is hope.<P>And yes I am so happy I could just burst!<P>FC<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Fingers Crossed:<BR><B>You know I think you're right! I'll write a letter with his input and sign it. He can send it to her place and if and when she returns it will be in writting, as well as verbally stated, that he is done with her for good.</B><P>I just searched all over the place here (on a slow connection) for an example of a good no contact letter, and I can't find one.<P>Anyway, it should:<P>1. Be short but not sweet<BR>2. stress the pain and damage he has done to hi family<BR>3. stress his realization that it was a huge mistake<BR>4. emphasize that there must be NO CONTACT, of any sort, between them for life. Not a Xmas card in the year 2020. Nothing. Good bye.<P>This is not a goodbye letter, this is a NO CONTACT letter.<P>And forget about letting him mail it -- you make sure you put it in the mailbox.<P><B>Not only do I have ideas to deal with it on a day in day out basis but we're going away for a few weeks in July/Aug (just the two of us no kids a romantic island... Oooo LaLa!) and planning a Xmas New Year family vacation to Disney World!</B> <P>That's great! Have fun!<P>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Fantastic!<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Hey - I'm glad about Mike's replies! He has it right, doesn't he. <P>Maybe go a step farther? He has to get her OUT of the business, and the best way is with an attorney - why not have the attorney take your no contact letter, with husband's input, and draft a "legal style".....<P>Really, this is a great idea. I really think so!<BR>

Wow, FC! I have not been keeping up with things and figured that the way things had been going when last we chatted this would NOT be happening! What a great anniversary gift! <P>Write me if you still have my email address. I might still have yours, too...<P>Good luck. Hard work ahead, but what rewards await!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

What a great story!<P>This was something I needed to hear today. I needed to hear that plan A really does work. <P>My H had a long term affair also. (5+ years) He's lived in apt for 10 months now but been in and out for over a year. Swears OW is out of picture but I really don't know. <P>He started a new job this week so she is out of the picture during working hours. I am hoping this lifts the fog. I am doing the most perfect plan A right now that I can. I feel like I've been given this chance to get it right with her out of the picture.<P>My profile is pretty long but gives a good idea what I've been through. Similar to your situation with all the broken promises.<P>Keep us up to date on how you're doing. Your story was an inspiration for me.<P>Chris

FC,<P>I read your story after I posted to you on the no contact letter thread. It warmed my heart reading your story! I'm so happy for you. I hope things continue to work out, and I'm sure w/some work by your H, you're kids will come around. Just wanted to wish you, CONGRATS! You're headed the right direction! <BR>

Thanks for sharing your success story. It really helps to hear good news once in a while!