I'm in trouble. Please give me some insight and advice esp. from WS, men, dads.<P>To summarize my situation, on the d-day my H said it was just sex. He was really defensive for the first month after d-day, while I was still LBing. <P>As the time went by, and as I became calmer and nicer, he fell into withdrawal hole and finally told me that he loves her, that was last Fri. I became insecure again, and LBed a little. (details in "BUSTED big" and "warning... just letting my anger out" if anybody interested).<P>Now he is really mad at me, about what I said about kids after my last LB. I was trying to explain to him in a nice way, because I didn't want him to give up at this point, when he started talking about moving out. What I've said was "If you want to move out, you're free to go. I'll work on myself. I'll try everthing I can do. Then if we still can't make this marriage to work, I won't wait forever, I'll find another man and make this person my kid's daddy because they need a good family. So you have to let me know when you are ready, and make that decision very carefully." also I said "I think we should try to work it out, and I still love you."<P>I know it was a very big LB even though I was saying in a very nice way. Well, too late. He said he's really mad about that and I apolozied that I hurt his feeling, but also explained how much I want him to be my husband and their dad, and that's why I said that.<P>Didn't work. Now he's very cold to me, very distant, refused closeness, counseling, nor working on EN stuff. Although compared to yesterday he seems calmed down a little today, he's still out at parents house since last night and really who knows where he is right now.<P>I know how much he loves the kids. I really think the reason he doesn't say "it's over" is just because he knows he can't separate me and kids, and he knows if he leaves me he loses the kids. And the reason he wants to leave me is this "I love the OW" fog in his head.<P>I truely believe if he goes to live with OW (troubled with a couple men incl. her H), the reality comes in pretty fast. But I'm not sure if he is planning to be with her. He might just want to be alone for awhile. But he didn't get rid of his mobil phone, he just doesn't want to give up on her completely yet, I know that much.<P>I'm letting him do whatever now because I asked him the bottom line question "Lack of trust makes everything bad. We can't work this way. Do you want me to trust you or not? How long do you need to answer?" And he didn't have any answer because he was so mad, yesterday. I'm just waiting for his answer to this question, doing nothing (planAing though) but holding my breath.<P>My point is, the message I'm getting from him right now is just plain "I don't love you, and I never will, never again, by the way I never did." Could this be just a symptom of withdrawal? It is hard to believe for me.<P>Now I'm so afraid he gets aggressive over kids. But, really, he is the one walked away from the family while he was with the OW, I stayed with them unhappily and that was one of the problems we had in our marriage. But this family = my kids is everything I have right now, I threw everything away to come here, married to him, and had kids, because I do love him, and I believed he loved me. Now he's denying the whole reason I'm here, and the whole reason why our kids are here. <P>After all of that, is he really wishing to get rid of me (eigher he wants the OW or not), and make himself and kids happy? Does he really believe that? If that's the case, he's just an evil, isn't he? Or did he just realized that's not going to make him nor kids happy, and is that why he's so mad? Did he just realized what he did and what he's got right now?<P>I'm leaving him and kids for weekend to stay with MIL and SIL. Should I remind him that I love him, (and that's why I said those things to him) before I go? I don't know if that makes things worse.<P>It's past 12am and he's still not home. I'm losing my hope. Please help.

Yes, tell him that you love him before you go and tell him often when you return. <P>I think his behaviour is a sign of withdrawal, frustration, and fog. This stuff has to run its course. Try to be patient. He may feel something for this OW and think she's great now, but he hasn't seen her in the light of real life. He doesn't have a history with her, children with her, or a marriage with her. Though it might be hard to give up his fantasy, surely it is harder to give up his life!<P>I'd make leaving the house a last resort. It is *so* hard to communicate when you don't share the same space and one of you has pleasant things to distract you from facing the horror you created.

popeye,<BR>I'm going away just for a night, to have fun with my in-laws, I never leave him in the sense of separation. You mean I shouldn't go away for a weekend? Or did you just mean him leaving the house should be a last resort?

Sorry for the confusion. I meant one of you moving out should be a last resort.

Thanks popeye,<BR>He came home last night and I told him that I love him and I want him, and that's why I said all of those things to him. He said he knows that and said "I love you, I always loved you, and I always will." Still no answer to my question but I feel much better. He also brought the phone bill for one of his mobil phone.<P>I really appreciate your help, I read your post too and I don't have much to offer, I just wish you good luck and I'll keep you in my prayers.<P>Now I'll go have some fun with my MIL and SIL, that was a nice gesture of them, always feels good when somebody cares...