wow....I really don't know where to begin.....<P>1995.....or around that date....husband and I are not getting along....I suggest going to see a counselor....he says no.... <P>things get worse....he starts using money to control me.....he is self employed...he **gives** me a certain amount each month to pay bills with...sometimes when jobs are slow I don't get anything... <P>If I ask for more money.....he says 'I already **gave** you $$XX and you'll just have to make do with that.....all this time he is buying new motorcycles.....and all the gear that goes with it.....some months I get $1200.....some $600....and some times nothing.....I occassionally ask for more.....sometimes I get it...usually I get rants and raves......<P>forget asking him to do anything around the house....response was.....you want me to do what??? ok I'll quit working so I can do your housework!!!......it was not good.....<P>I am not a big spender...shopped at yard sales for my clothes....and decorations for the house...up until 1999 there was no decoration in my house that I spent over $10 for!!!<P>at one point I had even decided that if I ever got a full time job that could support the kids and I, I was going to leave........<P>1997....summer...I am taking real estate classes.....we look for new health insurance(we buy our own since he is self employed).....decide on a company and husband tells agent.....wife will buy her own...he doesn't get health insurance for me it was confirmation to me that I was being treated like the hired help....I had ceased to be a wife.....<P>august 97.....my 20 year high school reunion.......old boyfriend comes on to me....I was desperate to feel special.....we talked often....he lives 3 hours away....and met three times.....bad mistake.....bad.....so wrong.....<P>husband found out in sept of 98.....forced me to tell coworker what I had done....forced me to tell my sister....threatened things like he was going to have newspaper print telephone records.....was going to get OM fired....told my 11 yr old son what I had done...... <P>things have been bad......husband promises me if I tell him everything he can get over it......badgers me constantly......so I tell him all.....everything......leave nothing out.....now he uses all that to make me feel horrible.....<P>has come up with things like he thought I was having an affair in 96 (not true) has told me my uncle told him that my father had two affairs(not true) (he came up with this after reading a book that said affairs ran in families) has threatened me that if I ever do this again my friends will never find me.....has attacked the OM and had to go to court.....and last week attacked me as I tried to leave..... <P>I know in my mind I should leave....he is in a sweet mood at the moment.....then he gets in the rages......I truly do get scared at times.....we went back to a counselor last week.....we have been to him and others before.....husband doesn't like what they say.....<P>sorry this is so long.......thanks for any help and advice...<P>still.....

StillDreamin,<P>OK, you did wrong by having the affair. BUT, it sounds to me that your H can be a very violent person. <P>You say he attacked you last week, did you call police ? His threat that if you do such a thing again your friends will never find you is frightening. Too many times women have heard these words and figured the man doesn't mean it. only to never be heard from again.<P>My advice is to leave without telling him first, untill/unless he goes to anger management counseling. If you can't/won't do that, you need to tape him threatening you then give the tapes to someone you trust, just in case. <P>I'm all for saving the marriage if possible, but not at the cost of a life.<P>Deb

oh my goodness stilldreamin..<P>I too am for saving the marriage but not for the price of a life. <P>there are many shelters that help women who cannot get out safely, they help you set it up and you never say anything you just leave..<P>When a spouse ceases to have respect for another and doesn't offer a safe enviornment for you and your children there just doesn't seem to be any point in keeping it going.<P>Get some help call the police get out.. if you have a daughter.. she will marry a man like her father... your son will treat his wife in the same manner.. thinkof these thingss..<P>God Bless,<P>mercy

Stilldreamin,<BR>The situation you are in is very dangerous. If I were you I would go to a womwn's shelter. You need legal advice as well as protection from your h. I'm so sorry for all you've been through.<P>I don't know where she post the most regularly but Kareena gives excellent advice. She'll be able to help you figure out your options. Try Emotional Needs or Wmens Bible forum. <P>Hey Good Luck and be very careful. Tess<p>[This message has been edited by tessa (edited July 02, 2000).]

Hi,<P>I read this last night, too tired, too afraid to reply, too afraid of saying the wrong thing.<P>Well actually I'm still tired, spent some of the night worrying about you (and other stuff).<P>You have been verbally attacked "my friends will never find me", there was an implication that you had been physically assaulted.<P>NO ONE, NO ONE here promotes the building of marriages based on physical abuse or verbal threats of physical violence.<P>Your husband certainly sounds like he has control issues (that's the polite phrase), he also, based on your statements, has really serious anger control problems.<P>It is unlikely that these things will just go away. You absolutely have to "quitdreamin" and get real.<P>I haven't been there or faced that, I don't know how hard it is, but darn it woman you <BR>either have to facer reality or the possiblity of mortality.<P>Assess your options today, get professional advice.<P>And please be careful and take care.

I think we are all here to save our marriages, which is a noble goal, but sometimes they just aren't worth saving because of the personal sacrifice involved. We all have bad situations and have lived through things we never thought we'd tolerate, but when it comes to personal safety, I don't think anyone would encourage you to stay. Since you have children, that goes doubly so for you.<P>If you can't decide whether or not you should go or if you don't think it is a dangerous situation, visit a shelter. See a counselor who specializes in these types of situations and trust her/him to advise you what to do. They can let you know what your options are, help you find a safe house, and in some cases employment.<P>Situations where the family is insulated from other people and where one person has control through intimidation or finances are very dangerous. Take it one step at a time. Everyone here supports couples rebuilding their marriage, but not at such extreme costs or risks. Be safe.

Still:<P>I have often tried to look for parts of Dr Harley's books that people may have overlooked. In this case I'd like to point out that Dr Harley advises people who are in danger of violence to get out of the relationship.<P>Please, Still, be safe. --HBC

thanks for the posts and concern....hanora....please, please, don't lose any more sleep on my account.....that was sweet though.....<P>husband has been the pure angel the last few days......apologized for last week.......says he loves me and with love we can conquer all......has not mentioned my friends the last few days......which is remarkable in itself...<P>I went to dr. on friday and got some drugs for myself....anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety...... oh well if it can help me cope with my situation.........<P>to top things off my mother is starting her 19th month in the hospital... hard to believe it has been that long...her lungs are shot and she is on a respirator....along with other complications......<P>and I have a son turning 13 in a month!!! <P>I am numb......I feel as though I am wandering around in a fog all day.....I have no get up and go......I sometimes resign myself to the fact that what I did was so wrong......and my husbands repsonses are just the consequences of my wrong actions......and I have to live with them........

Stilldreamin, I'm SO sorry for what you're going through! It's AWFUL! I don't know what to tell you. Although your H is being an angel now, what will he be like later? Has he treated you like this in the past or do you think it's just rage from your A? Either way, he needs help, major help. I kow you want to save your marriage, but don't risk your life doing it. <P>I'm a WS, and my H was very angry when he found out. But, he never laid a hand on me and never threatened me. He still says to this day that if he ever gets ahold of OM...... I think my H's reactions were normal, but your H's are scary. He needs to get counseling, and if you decide to stay, you both need to go together, as well as separately.<P>I wish the best for you, I hope things get better. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Still---<P>I agree with Deb.<P>What you did was wrong. You have admitted it and I hear the regret in your post.<BR>We ALL make mistakes! No matter what you have done, you DO NOT "Deserve" physical abuse and threats!<P>I know this is hard. I know you are depressed. But PLEASE, seek help.<BR>If your H won,t go to counseling---go yourself. The advice given by many here is excellent----There are many shelters that will over assistance (housing, counseling,jobs)and protection.<P>Honey, I know you think this man loves you. If he truly does, he will be willing to get help to keep this family together.<P>My prayers are with you!