hi there. I understand where you are coming from here. I too am the betrayer and am still dealing with the effects of my bad decisions everyday.<P>My hubby is still a suspicious soul. I know that he doubts most everything I say, although i have to admit i would probaby too if he had had the affair.<P>Most of what I do is watched with an eagles eye. I wanted to go to worka nd earn some money because we have just moved and are having it tough. Instead hubby took on more hours at work and a part time job himself. Well his first reason to not having me get a job at night was because he would n't see me at all... <P>anyhow, yes we are still married, but ijust posted a new topic on we are still so awkward with each other and the odd thing is it seems to get worse and worse as time goes on. I want to believe this is just another bump in our recovery road but I am afraid of the distance I see coming between us. <P>At first when discovery day happended he threw meout of the house. Get out. (not like i blame him or anything). The kids were absolutely devestated. He was not going to give me a kid one. I had"burned that bridge the night I went to bed with OM". They just cried and cried and have never been the same. They act very insecure, obnoxious, name calling, mean to each other. I cannot hardly believe the effects of this on them.<P>ARE we going to make it? I am not sure. I guess this fall will be the tell tale sign. I go back to school and my scedule is pretty busy. he will still be working at least 12 hours a day... 6 days on 1 off 5 on 2 off is the usual schedule.. 5-5. long days and most time if he has a moment he sleeps...<P>So, I know that infidelity is possible to survive, but I also know that it is such a hard row to hoe that I am not sure when it is all over with it is worth it. I often wonder if it would be easier to just be friends and not have to anser to him about everthing I do or say. It is like eggshell heavan some days here. I just hate it. Do yoou know what I hate more..? The fact that we couldn't fix this marriage until something like and affair came along.<P>Truthfully, my affair lasted 2 years off and on. I was told that(after westarted recovery) he wasn't sure that his love could last through this. Then he did say to me that "I lovED me so much THEN". that really made me nervous. I wonder if he is having second thoughts? I asked him if he did but he has said no, but ofcourse, so i believe him?<P>stilldreamin.. we have been married for 8 years been together for 12 with 5 children. We do not make much money and have financial strain all the time. The chances of us making it anyway were slim, but adding an affair to this senario it is slim to none...<P>I wish you all the luck in your quest for a new good marriage. God Bless..<P>mercy

Hi Mercy,<P>Welcome. Sorry for the slow response to your post. It's always slow around here on weekends and especially holidays.<P>I am glad you are here, have given up your OM, and are working on putting your family back together. I know it is hard, but so many of us WISH our WS were here and trying. Stick around and you will find the support to get through this. <P>The things your H is doing and saying are normal. I have felt the same way about my betraying spouse. I have had moments where I didn't think he was worth a da** and that our lives together was over. But underneath it all, you both still love each other. That just doesn't stop. You just have to find a way to connect with that again.<P>I assume you are doing a Plan A? Keep that up, but give some time for yourself every day too. You have to forgive yourself. It is pretty horrible that we bring such torture and pain to our families through affairs, but I believe it is so that we can rebuild our lives in a way that works for everyone. Take that opportunity. If you don't, the pain will have been for nothing!<P>It is definitely easier for you to give up on this and "just be friends and not have to answer to him about everthing", but sometimes we have to sacrifice in order to have something worth having. Sometimes we have to endure suffering in order to grow and have more to give later on. <P>Trust me, I wish I never had to experience this incredible humiliation and pain, but it's not the end of the world. I don't know what the future brings either, but I am not going to let it happen haphazardly! I am taking control of my life and going for what I believe is right. If I fail, I will fail trying. I think you should do the same. I believe that once your H feels your effort and love, he will reciprocate and you will be stronger than ever. No financial troubles or past affairs are stronger than that. Believe!

thanks for the post......I am still struggling.......after reading the reponses on my thread I wonder about my husband and my decision.....<P>I keep telling myself that if he can forgive me of my transgression...the affair.....I should be able to forgive him of his trangressions....the abuse........<P>I have also created havoc in my children's lives by the affair.....and the subsequent violence in their father....he was not as bad before my affair.....is it right of me to create more havoc by leaving their father??<P>I have set a poor example with the affair.....how can I make it right?? Sometimes I think that showing compassion and a steadfastness to stay in the marriage at all costs is the only way........and yet other times I think of the statistics that show kids raised with an abusive father........go on to be abusers themselves....<P>I am so confused........God and His neon sign have not showed up on my block yet.......

Stilldreamin,<BR>You sound SO down on yourself. What you did was wrong, but don't beat yourself to death about it. We all make mistakes and learn from them. Your H's reactions are not okay, either. It makes it even worse on your children. Yes, you showed a bad example w/the affair (try having a child from an affair! YIKES!). But, what your H is doing is even worse. Like you said, yourself, kids raised by abusers, may become abusers themselves. You don't want that, do you? <P>I really don't have answers for you, stilldreamin. I just have my opinions (which aren't always right! ). I hope you can get through this. Please find a good counselor to at least help you, if your H won't get help. <P>My prayers are w/you, Momma<BR><p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 03, 2000).]

Still,<P>You say he was "not as bad before the affair." How bad was he?<P>Any violence is too much.<P>I know this is hard, so much the harder because of your affair, but you must think about what you want your children to learn. Would you rather that they learn their mother was strong enough to leave a very bad situation rather than keep herself (and them?) in danger, or would you rather they learn that safety and well-being is not as important as keeping up the appearances of a marriage?<P>I don't want to be hard on you, Still. I don't want to sound like I'm excusing an affair, either. But you have to keep safe, love.<P>Hang in there. We're thinking of you. --HBC