I haven't posted in a long time. I found out 3 months ago about the affair. My H said it was over. We've been on a roller coaster ride to say the least. He has not been very cooperative. He's been very selfish about the whole thing. I've had many conversations w/OW and her H as well. My H and I got into it about a week ago. When all was said and done, he told me that he wanted me and the kids to move out short term to figure out if I really wanted to stay with him after all he's done to me. I knew I wanted to stay and work things out, but I don't want to stay w/him if he doesn't want me anymore. And I have never been certain that he's really wanted to stay with me. But during the week before he was going out of town and the kids and I were supposed to leave, for the first time he seemed truly remorseful for what he had done. He was very depressed and said he didn't want us to leave. I acted very strong like I was ok with it. I felt like I had to follow thru because for the first time, he seemed sorry. Well, yesterday I receive a call from OW's husband and he said that they were not telling us the truth because we couldn't handle it. I called the OW and told her I wanted the truth. She started by telling me they last had sex 3 days ago. Then she asked me if H and I were still having sex - I said yes. She said that he's told her that our marriage was over and that we haven't had sex since discovery. And that he loves her and for her to be patient, that we were getting divorced! We talked for a long time. She told me how sorry she was, that if she had known the truth, she wouldn't have stuck around. (I don't believe that). But anyway, I knew she had to be telling some of the truth because she knew certain things that she wouldn't have known otherwise. So I called my H and told him I wanted the truth. He admitted that he had been with her ever since discovery and up to 3 days ago! I was so relieved to hear the truth for a change. He says that he finally realized 3 days ago that he did not love her, that he's been so stupid, and that he loves me and wants to be with me and our kids. He doesn't want me to move out. He'll do whatever it takes to prove this to me. He'll go to counseling with me and whatever else I want. This is what I want, but I am so scared he's just lying to me like he has been for the past year. But I feel I owe it to myself and our kids to at least give him another chance. Any advice? Should I go ahead and leave as planned or should I stay? I really want to stay. He works w/OW so they are bound to at least see each other at some point. She says she will not speak to him ever again, but I've heard that before! I feel like if I leave, I'll just be opening the door of opportunity for them again, not to mention how it's going to devastate our little boy.

Cac,<P>First question...why would YOU and the kids have to leave? I thought that myself many months ago, and then a lightbulb came on and I asked, why don't YOU leave? Think about that...<P>My wife and I are separated (have been for 4 months), and it does remove barriers from an affair from continuing. My wife moved out, and the affair kicked into high gear. We also have kids, and this separation has been difficult for them, but you have to let them know what is going on, and that they are loved.<P>OK - now the tough part. If your husband had sex with the OW 3 days ago, it's my guess there is still a big attraction/addiction going on. There was in my case, and my wife also works with OM, and that setup WILL NOT WORK (or at least severely lessens the chance) of making it through withdrawl and ultimately to recovery.<P>If you haven't already read Harley's "Surviving an Affair", read it now. And no, I'm not getting a commission, but the book will help you understand and plan how to recover.<P>I have continued to be the "eternal optimist" since discovery, but it's one thing to be an optimist, and another to be informed and have a plan. I made EVERY mistake in the book (and more), and that is probably why it's been 13 months since discovery and we are still at square one.<P>You can get through this, but it will be difficult.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>

I think you should stay and work things out. There can be no real recovery until the truth is out, and now it is. It doesn't matter that you found out the way you did. Your H has finally fessed up and has seen your reaction. Maybe since you didn't immediately bail out and rant and rave, he can trust you with his other feelings? You have to give it a try. <P>I know you feel like it's just going to be more of the same, but listen to what he's said! He said he wants you and loves you! The OW (liar that she is too) said if she'd known, she wouldn't have let it continue. There has got to be some truth in what we say. Maybe she has enough guilt or conscience for that to be true? She has a H who's heart is breaking too. If your H can commit to you and you to him, maybe it is enough for them to do the same with each other and everyone's lives can settle down to normalcy? I know it sounds like a fairy tale, but we can't have it if we don't envision it. Believe in it, and keep trying!

thanks mjingit and popeye for your responses! it's so nice having someone to talk to. as far as me moving out instead of him, we can't afford for him to go anywhere and it wouldn't cost anything for me to stay w/my parents. he has no family or anybody close by to stay with, except for ow which ain't gonna happen! he's coming home tonight & i'm going to pick him up at the airport. i went to his office today and searched it and found all the little love cards ow gave him. i put them in a safe place along with the gifts she gave him that he told me he had given back to her, but i found them nicely hidden in his truck. i checked the p o box today but nothing in it. i'm keeping the key! i do have "surviving an affair" but i haven't looked at it in a while, so i will do that. we have counseling on friday. i'm going to go now - kids are staying w/relatives tonight so we can be alone. i'm going w/him to throw papers tomorrow & i'm sure i'll see ow - yuck! i tried to call her but just left a msg for her to call me or else i'd see her tonight! i'm sure she'll call me. i just want to tell her that i have everything and that she's a liar and she better stay away from my h. i don't believe that she really thought that my h and i were thru, because she knows i still live here and i've called her many times & told her we were going to work things out! i'll try to come back tonight to see if ya'll have any more words of wisdom for me!! thanks for listening