I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about my H since I am not talking to him or seeing him...<P>I probably could have stayed in plan A, but he kept maintaining that he didn't want a relationship with OP, but that they really enjoyed working together and had some bond that he has difficulty articulating.<P>ie...he is not willing to end the coworking relationship and is not wanting to work on the marraige..just liked coming and going here as he pleased...me being nice to him...him being nice to me...unless we talked about us or the A...then he would get the "possessed" voice again.<P>I pretty much told himI couldn't be his friend while he was friends with her (but remember..it was she who gleefully has been telling the whole town, my kids teachers and their office staff who knows me well, that H and I are getting a D and we have long standing marital difficulties......(which I haven't even heard what they are yet)<P>H tried to e-mail me for awhile, then got mad that I won't talk to him..complained to his mom who told him "what do you expect..you threw her out like an old shoe"<P>But...when I backed away....he began trying to see the kids all the time..taking off every other friday when he has them for the weekend and going places with them...plus taking them 2 eve. a week...and trying to have one spend the night with him during the week...... Now he called tonight...wants to take them to the parade tomorrow morning..he is always asking them what I am doing with them...<P>What gives!!!! I know he didn't leave the kids, he left me...but when this started it began with "I'm trapped by the marraige" "trapped by the kids"...He also said he wasn't ever involved with them (which is a lie)...<P>He went to counseling with eldest D....and the counselor said he was very walled off still. He told D he was sad and confused!!!!<P>I know this...he and I will not get anywhere with the EA unresolved....even his own counselor told him that!!!!<P>Do you suppose the increased interest in the kids and asking them all the time what we are doing is a good sign???<P>I'm just looking for hope now that I'm detached from him..I see so many great outcomes with Plan A.... I just think i needed to nudge alittle...He's pretending this is not an affair.... although he won't deny it to me when I use the word!!!<P>I'd probably be more effective in plan A...if they were more involved!!!!<P>on the other hand....this isn't reality either...he gets to be a good dad, and still maintains his "workworld" and doesn't do anything about us. <P>let's face it .....this is so discouraging!!!!<P>

It sounds to me like your Plan B is working! Give it time to do its magic. If he is suddenly in a stressful situation, it will force him to look at things and make a decision. What makes you think he would do that in Plan A when you said yourself that he was just using that as a way to have his cake and eat it too? He was using it as a way to not make a decision? <P>No, I think you went to Plan B for a reason and it's working. I know it is hard to maintain, but I think it is for the best. <P>Good luck!

Hi Tootrusting,<P>I agree completely with Popeye. Feeling you backing away is making him re-assess his situation and what he is throwing away.<P>Even though I didn't do Plan B very well, (I found it quite hard with the children and he would not stick to what we arranged) I did move some 2000 kms away. He went on his merry way for a while, with OW in tow, but that soon came to a grinding halt - as they do!!!!!!<P>Now, he has also moved here, ostensibly to be near the children, BUT, the things he offers to do with me, for me and because of me......<BR>He even suggested I stay the night at his house last Sat. night!! My family had a gathering, people were bunking everywhere, there was some mix-up somewhere along the line, and we ended up short of beds. He knew about this, as I got the phone call while I was at his house. I couldn't believe it, like, what was he thinking. I would just merrily jump into bed with him and be comfortable with that!!!!!!! How their minds work sometimes I will never know.<P>My point is that when I drew away from him, managed to get my life back on some track, (don't know to where, but I was going somewhere) and started to deal with the situation he had left me in, I took control back of my own life. I think that then made him look at me in a new light. I think I surprised him somewhat with the way I did move on, and the speed with which I did that. I always have been a very strong person, and am able to deal with things quite quickly in my own mind.<P>My H also used the children as an excuse to ring me, to ask what I had been doing, and where I had been. In a nice way, not nasty or vindictive. I think he was attempting to make inroads into my little life again. He has since admitted that he is trying to get back into my life.<BR>When I read your post, it made me think of all the things my H has done, and it sounds very similar to what your H is doing.<BR>I guess what worked for me was to move on, by myself. My H still does not know what he wants, even though his relationship with fruitloop broke up some months ago. He is one very confused puppy right now.<P>Anyway, do what feels right for you. If you have intuition where his co-worker is concerned, go with it. Intuition and gut feelings are not often wrong. Especially if she is telling people you are the getting the divorce you know nothing about!!! She is obviously not your friend. She shouldn't be a friend of your H either. But then, WE all know that don't we!!!!!!!!!<P>Keep on doing what you're doing with the children, and include him in your lives if that is what you would like. They need to see that they can have fun with their families, that families are not just hard work and drudgery. I think my H is seeing me having fun with my children, and is starting to realise exactly what he is missing out on.<BR>He wants to join in the fun too. That is what I think your H is feeling too. I think they need a little jump-start in remembering what they felt for us, the fun they used to have with us, and the fun they could so easily have again.<P>Hope you have a nice 4th July, and that it is with your complete family.<P>Hugs to you<P>Jo<BR>

Thanks for your replies. You really feel so all alone sometimes as you are dealing with this.<P>Now today, my H called and wanted to take the kids to the parade. I didn't go...I'm still not talking to him. But I wonder how long he thinks he can do this.....<P>keep the EA....at work...live alone doing whatever????? see the kids a lot...and never deal with anything in the marraige.<P>It seems my H became his job....again....i say even I can see how appealing it is to have an office of women do everything for you so you can go do "important" stuff. He really got his priorities messed up!!!<P>I think it happens to a lot of people..they start to identify to closely with their work persona!!!! And I guess I identified toomuch with my "mommy" persona....(kind of happens when you have 3 small kids and a H that is always working)<P>One of his original lines to me about the demise of our marraige was that I wanted to be the kids buddy and he didn't....well there he is at the parade!!!! and I am going away for 3 weeks....and he wants to take care of our son's hamster!!! Pretty funny huh?????