I've been posting under the D/D forum since I felt there was no hope left for my marriage and since I was recently divorced. I decided to post here to see what your opinions are.<P>Recently ex has been much more interested in talking to me. I had a long talk with him this morning. He basically is continuing to say that he wants to be my friend and see what happens from there. He says he is not against us *possibly* working something out if I can show him I've changed and the relationship won't be the way it was. He says I ignored him and didn't pay enough attention to him. <P>We seperated back in Aug. 99 due to his affair. He still says they were/are just good friends. He says she listens to him and I never would. I told him I thought it would be very difficult for me to pay attention to him if she is giving him that. He says he will not at this point cut off contact, but will if he sees we are able to salvage the relationship. He says he just needs some time to get to know me again as I am not the person he married. Our divorce was very very nasty and we haven't had a whole lot of contact over the last year with the exception of big arguements. <P>I almost feel like he is trying to turn this around and make his affair my fault. But after reading Surviving the Affair I realize that is fairly common. I feel that part of him may finally be coming out of this fantasy, but I am unsure where to go from here. I thought I was ok with the divorce until we started getting along and now I am really missing him. A part of me really wants to try and get him back. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!<P>Tulip

Do you have kids? If so, I think that is a strong reason for trying. Children deserve an intact family if we can also provide stability, safety and love.<P>If not, I would be really hesitant about working things out. My H says a lot of the same type of stuff and it makes me leery about how much changing HE is going to do. People don't cheat because of who WE are. They cheat because of who THEY are.<P>If you are convinced he had and is still having an affair that he won't admit, that is also not a good indication of future honesty.<P>Personally, I am a "Don't Look Back" kinda gal. If it doesn't work for me, I am not the type to keep trying to fix it once I've given it my best shot. No point in beating a dead horse. <P>However, having said all of that, if reconciliation is what you want, I don't see anything wrong with dating him while he is still seeing the OW. I know. I know. I am appalled at having to share a man with any woman, but it's a way of getting in the game. You have to be in it to win it. If you were the OW, I'd not say that, but you are the WIFE. You're not encroaching on her. She encroached on you! Too bad for her if he still loves his wife. <P>I used to think that I would walk into my H's life and demand that he do this and that and have to deserve me if he wanted me back. I see now that life doesn't usually happen that way. You have to give and take. If he gets what he is looking for, he will be willing to give you more. Maybe at some point that will mean he is ready to commit solely to you. <P>Guess this is one of those follow your heart decisions.

Popeye, <P>Thanks for your reply. Yes, I have 2 children (3 & 9). I agree children do deserve an intact family. I was an only child from a divorced family. My father was an alcoholic and we finally left for safety reasons. Two years later my father passed away from cirrous (sp?) of the liver. I was 8 when my dad died so I never wanted my children to come from a divorced family. The way I see it is that life is uncertain and any day either parent could be gone from that child's life.<P>My ex does not have a good track record as far as honesty and even admitted that he lies a lot. This is one of my biggest problems with what I should do. I'm not sure he can quit lying. <P>I would just give up if I was sure that I had given it my best shot. But looking back, I guess I really didn't do a very good Plan A. Although I did a great Plan B <P>You are so right about the give and take thing. I, like you, felt that I could demand anything and he should just accept it. I guess even though we don't understand them they have feelings too.<BR> <BR>He has suggested that we spend time together with the kids (going to the zoo, etc.). I guess I should put on a happy face and at least be thankful that we are getting along.<P>Tulip