My w and I been together for twelve yrs and I betrayed her. I'm 34 yrs old and 6yrs out of 12 mine sexual and emotional need, I feel was negelected. After 2yrs everything started going down hill. I suggested that we talked to a marriage counselor and this went well for a short time. To get to the bottom line, she stated that she had no sexual desire and didn't want to have sex, didn't want to cuddle, or much of nothing. I explain to her that I felt that there was no intimacy in our relationship and explain to her that I was having these desirers to go out of the home and she did nothing. I talk and wrote letters trying to explain to her what I was feeling. Well, I strayed for 3 months and told her and ofcourse things went to hell. Went to counseling, explain to the counselor that I did everything my w told me she perferred and she still denied me, so I got frustrated. I didn't know what else to do. My w refuses to take responsibility and continual to say that what wrong with society today blaming everything on other people and not taking the blame. We agreed to work it out I thought, but every 2-3 wks she calls me eveything but the child of god and continue. My delima is whether or not this going to change or stop because this been going on for 6 month. I want to stay with my w but she is not making it easy or should I say don't know what she want to do because she feel that she can't trust me. So do I stay in this relationship and tolerate the abuse because I'm the betrayer because everytime I talk about moving forward or working it out,her reply is, you should have thought about that 3 months ago. A little confuse.

My thoughts would be that your wife doesn't know how to process this experience and is having trouble forgiving and letting go. It seems she wants to be there because she's still there. That's good!<P>Now the goal is to get things to a point where you can both begin to heal and find happiness in your lives again.<P>Is she willing to go to counseling? If you have been going all this time, I'd say your counselor is not using an approach that is working for you. I'd either let her/him know this or look for a new one. If you are not going to counseling, I'd strongly suggest you start. This isn't something that is going to get better on its own. You both need a "referee" to keep things going in a positive direction withouth taking sides.<P>I would also guess that she doesn't feel heard. That is likely the reason she isn't being very open to accepting any of the blame. Maybe if you were more repentant and displayed your desire for forgiveness in ways that she could understand and see (for example, getting her flowers, cleaning the house, taking her out to dinner, or doing any little thing that might make her feel thought about and valued), she would be more willing to see how she contributed to the problem?<P>Can I suggest that the next time she starts ranting about how it is all your fault, you accept the blame? You can simply say, "Yes, I committed adultery. It was wrong and I am sorry." It's all true. You both know it, and it will diffuse her fire quicker than anything and let her feel heard.<P>Once you are able to talk again, you have got to address the problem of not having intimacy, but I wouldn't go there until the atmosphere in the home feels more secure because she might feel that that is making the whole thing her fault. <P>I am glad you are sorry and want to make your marriage work, but you are the one who had the affair. Remember that. It will take a lot of love and effort on your part to make up for that, but I think you have what it takes to do it. So go for it!