I completely lost my self control. I LBed the worst way. All last week she was out of town (not with him). and all weekend was here with us. Then today she went to work. I have such a headache. She had lunch. I asked her abuot her lunch and one thing led to another and I got so upset I started yelling and I feel so terrible. I told her she must love him more than her own children because she is willing to continue to hurt them but she is not willing to hurt him. I don't know how she took it, she just got mad at me. I have taken 600 steps backwards on correcting this marriage. I was consumed. I don't think I can handle playing the fool. I may understand what my part was in this affair, but I can't stand here and let her stay with her lover. I can't stand the pain, it isn't fair, I just want her to leave, to get the hell out of here and come back only when she has gotten rid of him for good. She doesn't care how it hurts me every time she is with him. She only cares about herself, and him!

Homer,<P>You are right you LB'd, but who doesn't. Hang in there man, you are hurt and these things take a terrible toll. I was of the impression that she was going to move out after you told her you wouldn't move out.<P>As for her taking it, well did she have a choice? After all did you lie about any of this. Yep, you lost ground on Plan A, but don't worry this is not over yet.<P>Homer, you don't have to play the fool to Plan A. It is not about you playing anything, it is about working on your role in things and it is about conveying information to your W in a non LB way. If you know something is happening, you can tell her,just don't LB. Mention it in passing and no matter how you feel walk away and don't LB.<P>You are strong Homer and you are doing well. Keep up the good work, your W is very messed up right now, but that can change and the odds are it will change. It just takes that hateful word <B>Time</B>. Don't you hate that word?<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>I don't know how she took it, she just got mad at me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hang in there, Homer. Your reaction is a very human one, and she should certainly recognize that it comes from your love for her and your pain at her betrayal.<P>If you can't take the current arrangement (I certainly couldn't) then i guess you have to force a change, one way or the other. Better to recognize that and put it to her calmly. I thought she promised you a decision when she got back? Try not to get emotional and have her then react out of anger, because the reaction will probably not be in your favor.<P>You are being placed in an intolerable situation. It is not surprising that you do not choose to tolerate it. What you need to think about is how to achieve the outcome you seek. <P>I'm sort of surprised you are not pondering more about telling the OM's W, or telling the OM you need all parties to be aware if this is going to continue. Right or wrong according to MB, that would be where my thoughts would be. <P>My thoughts are with you.<P>Mike<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited July 03, 2000).]

Yea it is a tough situation, I thought she would be able to give me something when she returned from her trip, but she couldn't. Plan A is so very difficult, and I try to focus, sometimes I lose it. I've asked her to move out but I'm not sure that is what I really want.<P>To be honest, I don't want her to leave I'd miss her and my imagination would run wild while she were gone. <P>Mike, <BR>I'd love all partys to know, but I am also scared of all partys knowing, his W may kick him out and he would get his own place and my wife would then have a place to go. She doesn't really like the idea of being the "other woman" so I think if I can be patient she will pressure him and things will start to fall apart. I hate this being a game though, all I know is I lvoe her and my family and don't really feel comfortable working on a stratagy. Plan A is my only option and I must try to stay true to it.<P>Thanks for the help

Hi Homer,<P>Don't feel bad about "losing it". Everyone is guilty of that at one time or another. Right after I found out about my H & OW (in the worst possible way-- by coming home early from work), I nearly had a nervous breakdown. I can honestly say, that I don't think I would have made it this far this past year without this forum & anti-deps.<P>In fact, just today, I had one of my all time worst days- see my post "I Nearly Ended It".<P>What happened today just proves you are human, just like the rest of us. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue on.<P>Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thanks Sidney,<P>I'm think I need to realize that in every LB session I've had with her I have conveyed the same message. Repeating the message doesn't make it any clearer to her, she needs to find it on her own. If I could learn to tell myself these things b/f I blow up I know I'd be better off.<P>I sit here thinking that I've been good for almost a week until last night. Now I have to start counting the days again between the LB sessions. I hope this was my last one that I put on her. I'd love to say it has been over a month since my last LB. whoo hoo.<P>But as of now it has only been 1 day. <BR>

Hi Homer,<P>Good to see you still posting. I just got back in town and am doing a little catching up.<P>Hey Homer...way to go. How come you're "getting it" faster than me? I've been here for months. Not to be disagreeable with anyone here, but NO...you don't want her to move out. I did that and regret it big time. It kind of had to be done here, and was mutual, but jeez I want him home. Also, don't contact OM. You'd better believe the next phone call he'd make would be to your wife and talk about LB's. That would be the mother of all LB's. There is no way I'd contact OW. I am not going to be the bad guy here and have my H defending her.<P>Yep Homer, just get back on that bike and keep pedeling. I know what you mean, Plan A is all we have. I've read the other books, and nothing else seems as effective for US! We are learning to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep trying. You bet we all LB at times, and it does take us a few steps back, but the best way to learn is by making mistakes.<P>allison

Hey Homer<P>As a WS, let me tell you, you ARE NOT playing the fool. I admire your strength, you're doing all the right things. I've read through some of your other posts, and I know you're having a difficult time. No one is perfect, but I really respect your tenacity in trying to keep your marriage/family together.<P>You are not playing the fool. You're playing probably the toughest role you've ever had to play. You have to be a loving spouse, when your spouse is so wrapped up in her own feelings it seems like she doesn't love you or her family. <P>As a WS, I can say that we ALL (WS) are very selfish. But the only thing you can do, is to keep yourself strong. Be kind, be loving, be compassionate, be all those things and do all those things that you have been doing. I truly believe, the positive energy created by your actions will start to show. Your wife will begin to see all of your wonderful qualities and start to think about how her actions are hurting you. It does take time, though.<P>In the end, no matter what happens, you should be proud of yourself. You're trying to do the right thing. You're trying your hardest to make things work. When you look back on this 5, 10, 20 years from now, you want to make sure that you don't have any regrets. Do what you need to do to be a good person, loving spouse, caring parent - no matter what happens, you can always be proud that you tried your hardest. <P>In my opinion, you are not playing the fool. Being kind, being understanding, being faithful - is never foolish. Just hang in there.

I printer copies of these replys and shrunk them down, so I can carry them with me at all times. I read them when I feel the anger boiling over and they calm me a bit.<P>I think when I come here after a LB session I feel a little ashamed that I let you guys down a bit by slamming her so hard. <P>Thanks so much for the support, <P>W/o MB the D would have been filed the day after D-day.

Homer<P>I know what you mean about MB. Without MB and the people on this site, I would probably still be involved in a very destructive extra-marital relationship, an unhappy marriage and I would be feeling pretty horrible about myself and my actions. <P>Reading posts from other WSs, makes me believe that I am not alone; reading information submitted by the BS helps me to understand my H better; and sharing success stories gives me hope that things will get better. I have a good feeling that things will work out for you and your W. Hang in there.

Homer,<P>Hey! I just got back from vacation, so I am trying to play catch up.<P>Yeah, You did LB. But that is OK. We dont want to practice it daily. But it happens. There isnt a person on thsi board that can say they havent done it. I was reading the post from Mike. I disagree with telling OM wife. YOu do not tell her. She could be having an affair to. And taht could be her escape. WHO KNOWS!! WHO CARES??<BR>You are so right!<P>Mike, <BR>I'd love all partys to know, but I am also scared of all partys knowing, his W may kick him out and he would get his own place and my wife would then have a place to go. She doesn't really like the idea of being the "other woman" so I think if I can be patient she will pressure him and things will start to fall apart. I hate this being a game though, all I know is I lvoe her and my family and don't really feel comfortable working on a stratagy. Plan A is my only option and I must try to stay true to it.<P>DO NOT TELL OM/w. This could open a door the eternal hell. <P>keep my quote in your pocket!<P>"You are just going down a rocky road in a covered wagon with only 3 wheels". You are going to ahve to stop and fix a wheel on occasion. And you are going very very slow cause your missing one!!<P>HEHE! Dont you love the crazy crap that I think of! Others liked it so I thought I would share it again. I have to use that often<P>prayers<BR>Renee<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!

Homer,<P>I don't know if I can help here but all I know is that I have gained strength and insight beyond my own imagination.<P>Remember you are on a mission.<BR>Remember your W is not responsible for her actions at this point.<BR>Remember that there are some things you can do nothing about and you must literally put your faith in God.<BR>Remember Plan A is not a scheme but a way of life forever.<BR>Remember to focus on her needs whenever you can, and do not let her feel that all you care about are your needs.<BR>Remember to pray about everything.<P>Be a pillar of strength. Know that you can live without her, although that is not what you want.<P>Strength, faith, commitment...