...the merry-go-round. <P>*sigh*<P>I'm getting a bit dizzy.<P>I was feeling better for a while. I read the book "Women in Mid-life Crisis" (Available at <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com)." TARGET=_blank>www.midlife.com).</A> It described everything I've been going through, right down to the identity crisis. <P>It turns out that I'M NOT A FREAK OF NATURE! What I have been going through is NORMAL for a woman in mid-life crisis. Do you have any idea what a relief it is to know that? I <BR>was beginning to quesiton my sanity!<P>One passage in the book really struck out at me:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Now is the time to seek the truth about who you are, what you want to do, who you will love and let love you, and what mission you want to accomplish in life.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is that spooky or what?<P>It said that it is appropriate and absolutely necessary to ask all the why questions. Well, I've certainly done my fair share of that, now, haven't I?<P>At least I know I'm doing the right things <BR>by taking this time to do some major re-evaluation of my life. It's painful and scary, but oh, so necessary! I think instead of looking at it as a major upheaval, I need to look at it more as an adventure. It's as exciting as it is scary.<P>My H has been wonderful to me. Last night my mood dipped again and he sat on the couch and caressed my legs (and rubbed my feet when I asked him to). No demands, no expectations. Just an expression of caring. And when we went to bed, he just held me and made me feel so loved.<P>OK, here's where you all get to call me crazy. I started to have some warm feelings for him and it scared me. I've been wanting to feel something for him and when I start to feel a little glimmer of something I resist it. Why?<P>I think maybe I don't want to love him just because he loves me. I want to love him for the person he is. I want to be able to have fun with him. <P>I think that when I'm feeling really low about myself and really alone and lonely is when I start to have warm feelings for him. When he's nice to me when I'm feeling low, I think "Wow, he's such a nice guy! Look how much he loves me!" and it feels so good to feel loved. But do I really love him back? Or am I just accepting the love he gives me because I need it so badly?<P>I want my feelings for him to be genuuine, not arising from poor self-esteem. I want to feel good about myself WITHOUT him. And then if I have feelings for him, I would be very happy. But I'm afraid that it's just my poor self-image that is making me think of him in a good way. Because he's making me feel loved and good about myself. But shouldn't I feel good about myself anyway, without depending on him making me feel that way? What if someday he stops? And then I feel bad again? Will I turn to someone else again?<P>Does anyone out there actually understand this?<P>

Perhaps questioning why you feel warm feelings about the man you chose to marry and to whom you vowed to love, honor and cherish forever is not a wise thing. Just let the warm feelings wash over you - stop having negative attitudes toward your marriage and you might stop having negative feelings toward it and your husband.<P>There is nothing wrong with loving the man you are married to. If you allow yourself to feel warmly toward him when it happens, you might just find that the warm feelings make you feel good about YOU!<P>Personally, I believe that MLC is nothing more than depression that has happened at a specific point in time. People in MLC are having the same fears and questions that people who suffer from depression have. It is truly classic depression, just the age issue makes it MLC. Of course, that is my personal opinion only. But it makes the FEELINGS and the questions you have no less valid!<P>Hang in there Truthseeker - I think you are very close to finding the Truth!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

truthseeker, I'm glad you were able to find a book that describes what you are feeling. There is nothing more frightening than experiencing something that you feel you are THE ONLY ONE going through.<P>I remember those feelings from adolescence. I was sure that no one could understand me. I am now facing that LOOK from my almost 11 year old daughter who 'blossomed' this year!<P>Are you in your 40's??? That's the decade they say "it" happens in. My H is 45 and is really going through a MLC. I do wonder what makes some people go through it as a crisis rather than a journey????<P><BR>For my H...there are many unresolved issues...death of dad and brother...cancer in a friend... reaching the pinnicle and thinking....is this all there is.....3 bratty kids who don't appreciate me, and I don't know because i've worked so hard...and a wife who acts like she doesn't appreciate me because she is mad that I'm never home!!!( and when I am, all I want is sex!!!!)<P>I will be forever amazed at the destruction something like this can cause....<P>As for your particular situation,I wonder if you would benefit from really looking hard at what gains YOU get from continuing certain behavior.... For instance, what is it that YOU gain by holding back with your H when he is giving you the love that a life partner should be giving you!!!!<P>I question this only because I have been reading the McGraw book "life strategies" and working through the journal exercise book as well.<P>Between that and my own counseling since this thing started (I'm the betrayed) I've discovered how much of what we do...protects us in some way....not always postitively!!<P>For instance, you mention low self-esteem. Perhaps your behavior (negatively) towards your H's advances, reinforces that belief that you are not worth it. (low self esteem)<P>I know, it is certainly presumptuous of me to come up with such a suggestion...just...I've had tons of time to ponder my own lousy existance....and these are some of the things I come up with.<P>Just so you know....my biggest FEAR in life is abandonment....and look what happened!! Makes you wonder how I set this up eh????

Hey,<P>Just wanted to say I am also reading Life Strategies. Bought the workbook too, but wanted to read through the book once real quick before I started the writing.<P>Lostva suggested the book, and I am loving it. <P>allison

Hey....I thought only men had MLC. <P>Women get to have 'menopause'! <P>What's going on here??? I thought this was America!<P>:-)<BR>

According to the book, MLC hits women in the late 30's (I turn 39 in August) and it has little to do with menopause. It's more of an emotional thing than a hormonal thing. <BR>(Yeah, we GET to have menopause. I guess that's one way of looking at it )<P>I encourage ANYONE who is either a woman at that age or knows a woman at that age to READ THIS BOOK! There are so many factors that go into why some women have a smooth transition and for others it is a crisis. It also gives hints for preventing a crisis.<P>BTW, it also says that a stale marriage is VERY common at mid-life (regardless what gender you are) and that is one of the reasons mid-life affairs are so common. It reinforces some of the things that Harley talks about regarding staying with a stale marriage and working on it to improve it, how damaging affairs are (I think we all know that part all too well), etc.<P>terri,<P>I know that logically I should be welcoming the warm feelings. I'm just very suspicious of them. I'm real hung up on being genuine. If there's any possiblity that the feelings aren't genuine I will reject them. I know my explanation of why sounds a little ridiculous. It sounds ridiculous to me, too. But it's how I feel. If I can find a way to reassure myself that those warm feelings are genuine, I will relax and stop rejecting them. I'm just not there yet.<P>Tootrusting,<P>This book equates mid-life with adolescence and it is even sometimes referred to as 'midolescence' (my son even learned this in his high school Psychology class!) because some of the same issues do resurface at this age. It's another stage of life very similar to adolescence. Just as adolescence bridges the gap between child and adult, mid-life bridges the gap between young adulthood and 'mellow adulthood'. When I read that I thought "But I don't want to be a mellow adult! I want to keep being a young adult!" which is probably one of the reasons that I'm in crisis mode as I inch closer to age 40.<P>I read the excerpt from that "Life Strategies" book on the Barnes & Noble website and it talked more about Oprah than anything else. Is the whole book like that? <P>I have read that people tend to set themselves up to re-experience things that will reinforce their fears such as abandonment. Is that the type of thing this book addresses? If it's more than talking about Oprah, I'll look into it.<P>NoMas,<P>Ever hear of equal opportunity? <P>

Jim Conway has a book out called "Men in Midlife Crisis". I have devoured the book! Felt kind of honored that he would write a book about mee without even meeting me in person first. :-)<P>In one chapter he mentioned that there is some study given to the fact that men actually have some type of menopause. As one man remarked after going through a MLC, "If there is no such thing as male-menopause...then what was that?" I thought that was kind of funny.<P>I turned 40 in January. Age never bothered me before....but for some reason, I was not thrilled about turning the big 4-0. I think the staleness in my marriage is what made me vulnerable. Honestly, for thelife of me, I cannot imagine chasing after some young woman half my age in order to recapture my youth. <BR>Funny....as I have been reading up on this dilema, I was in WalMart the other day. A couple in front of me in the check out caught my eye. An older, balding and gray gentleman, mid 50-ish....had a young,mid-20ish woman with him. She was shapely and attracative and walked out holding hands. I kind of chuckled...thinking this guy had it bad. I ended up following them out to where they were parked next to me. Would you belive they got into a new, red corvette? <BR>Tooo Much!<P>The woman-friend I got involved with happen to be 9 years younger than me, but age was never a factor here. We...just really communicated well.

The book I read was by the same author. Actually it was co-written with his wife Sally.<P>Amazing isn't it how much what they write about hits it right on!<P>The OM in my case was a year younger. I never felt much of an age difference with him. A year isn't much of a difference. It felt like we were very much on the same page. My feelings for him are still strong, but they aren't consuming me anymore. I think the letting go exercise of writing the letter and shredding it helped a lot. As did the passage of time.<P>

Truthseeker!!!<P>What are some of the issues the book points to as leading to a crisis rather than a transition??<P>I think I began to question things in my late 30's as well, and was even starting to think about some more education and reentering the work force, then surprisingly got pregnant with my 3rd child. (I was very depressed about this at the time.) Then I guess I was consumed with babyhood and the other 2 children!!<P>I think I mentioned some of my H's issues! I read your reply to my post and I do believe you are right about his trying to figure out how to balance his priortities. I do understand my H well...He has always searched a lot for answers....he's a thinker!!! It is one of the things I fell in love with him for. <P>I think if Op was not in there filling his head he wouldn't have pulled so far away from me. I am not different from him...I am closer to what he believes than she is!!!<P>He has to figure that out himself...hence the distance from me. Luckily he is in counseling.. At some point he has to come to the realization that you can't tend the world if you can't tend your home!!<P>She is not his answer and in fact when he realizes that although he viewed her as this perfect Mother Thersa.....all the missionary work in the world cannot takeaway the fact that this is a married woman, mother of two, who knew me as well as my H and still went after him relentlessly, blabbing her mouth around town, causing loss of respect of colleagues and his own family (mom and sibs)<P><BR>And...she also takes her kids to Disney world and buys them Nintendo64's!!!!!<P>I have read many books on midlife issues, mostly Jung's books. They all pretty much describe the MLC as a second adolescence. And definately bridging the way from mid life to a calmer (hopefully wiser) third stage... I am afraid that MLC can last some time though (a few years...) but I hear that the really bad crisis part may only last 8months to a year!!! Did you read that?<P>McGraw does do a forward on Oprah...describing how he helped prepare her for the "cattle" trial she went through. He also will occasionally make reference to her in his book....<P>However, I have found that in reading this book and doing the exercises I have learned a lot about me. The particular chapter I referred to was "people do what works" In it he states ..."Payoffs, particularly those that relieve or allow you to avoid serious pain, or minimize the fear and anxiety of potential pain, can be as addictive as the most powerful narcotics."<P>He really gets you to question what characteristics, predjeduces, etc..you carry with you to each experience.....<P>I would think a book like this would be helpful to you as you journey through your mid life!!!!

One thing that Conway brings out in his book that was interesting also compared MLC as a second adolesence. But what was different was that we tend to be more understanding of the child/teen going through this....but not really the man. Also, when a teen is trying to come to grips with all the turmoil in his life, he can easily 'tune out' and put the 'head phones on' and just coast. But the man in MLC still has to face and handle all the responsibilites, obligations, and such that he has....while dealing with all the turmoil. Believe me....I really want to 'put the headphones on' sometimes....or just get in the car and drive to who knows where. But that...would only make things worse.<BR>And to think I used to laugh at the notion of men going through MLC. Oh well...at least I'm not wearing gold chains and driving red sports cars yet.<BR>(But I really want a new motorcycle bad!)

NoMas,<P>Does your wife enjoy motorcycling? If so, it might be a wonderful way of reconnecting with her. While I don't drive motorcycles, I truly enjoy riding with an experienced driver. During my depression, however, I became afraid of everything - and I resisted my husband's desire to have a new motorcycle (actually I resisted his desires to have ANYTHING)... I wish now I had someone to ride with, because on anti-d's just about every fear I had went away, and I am ready for anything! I think that riding together is like communing in a way - you must be harmonious with your partner, the driver, and move in tune with him and the bike ... I miss that very much...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Truthseeker,<P>WHAT ABOUT ME? I am only 25? HAHA! Is there a such thing as an "early life crisis"? <P>I am know coming to realize that I am trying to find myself. I just dont know what to do? As you say I am sitting on the fence post?<P>Do i sit and think about what to do?<P>I mean it is so weird. I am in limbo. And cant even find myself.<P>I am reading the word of God more and more. Should I take more pride in myself? As in exercise or what?<P>I am trying to refreash my ability for my job. It seems that I just dont have the guts that I use to have. It is sales of course. then I think that I am just lazy.<P>How do I overcome this? Life seems like a HUGE UNTAMABLE JOB for me right now! How do I overcome this? Speaking of I am calling my counsler. <BR>I still need advice! I feel helpless.<P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us. Repeat that 5 times a day. I promise you success!<p>[This message has been edited by inamess (edited July 06, 2000).]

Tootrusting,<P>I can't remember everything it said, there's a whole chapter on it. It has a lot to do with how you dealt with change events in the past, how prepared you are for it, and how many chnage events you have happening for you at the time. By prepared for it, it means how you have planned to handle the treansition. If you are a SAHM, do you have concrete plans for when the children get older and need you less? If you are a career woman with no children yet, how pressured do you feel to have them? If you are a working Mom, are you overwhelmed from tending to so many responsibilities and ignoring your own needs? Have you experienced trauma, like a death in the family that makes you start thinking about your own mortaility? Those are some of the things mentioned.<P>I'll take a look at that 'Life Strategies book'. It sounds like it could be helpful. <P>Renee,<P>If I remember correctly, you had a sever case of depression, am I right? So for you it's not so much a MLC type of thing but as terri said, depression that can happen at anytime. I think the MLC thing is that there are more triggers at that age that can cause a depression.<P>NoMas,<P>I think it is important to let yourself have some quiet solitude time. Time to meditate and think on life's big questions. Time to communicate with God. I make sure I set aside time for myself to do this now. I think it's helping. So go ahead and 'put the headphoes on' for a while. Just don't KEEP them on. Set aside some time when you can do that without affecting your family adversely. It might help to let them know that you are doing that and why. My H is very supportive when I tell him I needd time alone to think. I go downstairs to the family room, or go out to weed my garden, or dit on the deck and watch the wildlife (birds, squirrels, etc.).<P>