Thanks to all the support I have recieved. I am sorry I have not been able to post much. I have been overwhelmed, and sleeping a lot. This is the first day I have had more than 1 meal since last Friday. Today I actually ate a small lunch and small supper.<P>Here is an update.<P>My wife did not call at all on my birthday. (July 4th) This is something she knew too well that would hurt me. She thought I was going to be alone all day, however, God came through for me, and I was surrounded with friends. Thank God I was, as I needed them for strength greatly.<P>My wife and I have had little or no sex life in the 7 years we have been together. The reasons I have been given are suffering from childhood trauma. I have accepted this, and gently loved her, not expecting or asking for sexual fullfillment with her. Letting her decide IF and when we might try.<P>Yesterday, I began packing some of her stuff she left behind. One of the bags she left was filled with journals. One of them was dated 1999 and I opened it expecting to see some of her poems in it. WHAT A SHOCK......it was a journal of meetings with an old boyfriend (17 years older than her) both real documentations of events and fantasies of what she wanted to do with him. There were words that she wrote she wouldnt even speak to me, and would get upset if I said anything to her in such a manner. They were explicit, worse than the cheapest porne flick. I was devestated.<P>These journals started before we met, and continued on thru our entire marriage. It seems she had an affair with him the entire time. Having sex with him in my truck at her commmunity college, at her work on Sundays when no one was there, even in my home on nights when I was working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet for us.<P>Apparantly, he even came down to our new town a couple of times, but broke it off with her this spring. The writings then become angry and beligerant. <P>YET NOT ONCE anywhere in the journal is there any mention of me in a loving way. In fact the only mention of me was in her "fantasy conversations" where she asked him if marrying me had made him jealous and when he would come ask her to leave me.<P>I no longer wish to save my marriage. I sent her a letter today telling her she can not only have the divorce, but that I no longer love her and that I want her out of my life asap. <P>Apparantly, I was married to an illusion......am I the only fool out there?<P>My heart is broken, but it is weird, it is as if someone has died......it is very hard.<P><BR>

Hi 10021997,<P>I just don't know what to say, other than I am so very sorry for what you must be going through. She sounds like one very disturbed woman, who needs a lot of help.<P>But, are you absolutley sure you have no love left for her? I cannot imagine the pain you must be in right now, so I don't mean to add to it by asking such a tough question, but please give yourself some time before you do anything permanent. You have a lot of healing to do here, and must feel very confused.<P>You were not a fool. You were a trusting husband. It is not your fault. <P>Lean on your freinds. Lean on us. Keep eating...and belated Birthday Wishes from me to you.<P>allison

I am so very sorry for your pain and can only imagine how deep the hurt must be.<BR>I also suffered from childhood drama, at the hands of my father, but I still don't have all the memories back. While I don't pretend to even understand any of this or excuse this,perhaps with the other man being 17 yrs older, she was searching for some type of father figure?? Writing in journals is greatly used in the field of psychology. I also wrote in journals and said things in there that I would never tell a living soul. Has your wife been in any type of counseling?? I am by no means excusing her behavior or justifying it. <BR>My prayers are with you.

I think it is a knee jerk reaction. I told my H too that I didn't love him and didn't ever want to see him again. I thought so many "last straws" were indeed the last straw, but here I sit after so much pain, still loving him. I believe you do too.<P>I can't say whether your wife is a sociopath with no conscience, or whether she is a soul in need of serious help. Despite all the years of deception, I think you owe it to her and yourself to find out. You promised in sickness and in health, right? This may be the time she needs you most. Maybe she chose you because she believed in her subconscious that you were the one who could help her?<P>I believe affairs are cries for help, but if she is a sociopath, there is no helping her. I guess the trick is deciding which it is.

So what exactly is a sociopath?<P>She called this morning screaming at me to stay the hell away from her and not to call her or any of her friends. (which I have not done since I was sure she was safe)<P>I cannot say I do not care about her anymore, but no, I do not love her anymore. Everything we were was a lie. <P>She was an illusion.<P>Today, I am just trying to breath and not be eaten alive by anger.<P>

After this whole event in our marriage - I too feel like there was a death. <P>I am so confused about what is real and what isn't or wasn't - the man I thought I married apperently had this dark side and I don't know how long it has been going on or how bad it really got - he won't tell me anything - I can't pull the truth out of him.<P>What was my reality has been completely shattered - do you feel lost? I fell very lost much of the time. I have spent the last 6 months with an excellent couselor trying to find my way back to me - I have no idea where my marriage is going right now.

10021997,<P>I too married an illusion the first time around.....she married me but lived a fantasy in her mind concerning another man.<P>It hurt like fire once this came to light, but with time, the wound will heal. The most important thing is to get over the anger (it took me 2 plus years) and look deep inside to find forgiveness towards her.<P>Hang in There!

<P>"I am so confused about what is real and what isn't or wasn't - the man I thought I married apperently had this dark side and I don't know how long it has been going on or how bad it really got - he won't tell me anything - I can't pull the truth out of him."<P>Yes, I understand...she is so mean and hateful towards me. This morning when she started screaming at me, It took all I had not to burst into tears. She has made me now the enemy. I am in the same category as her father and mother, and I do not believe there is anything I can do to reach her anymore.<P>"What was my reality has been completely shattered - do you feel lost?"<P>My god yes!.....I feel like someone pulled my whole world out from under my feet. I feel like I am in a waking dream...nightmare, and like everything is blurry, and if I just keep focussing something. <P>So now she just called again, and started in on me, yelling that it was my fault she cheated on me........I have to get documents from her, but as soon as that is done I am going to start hanging up on her. <P>I need to go eat something, so I will check back later<P>

Sorry I can't call someone "10021997" so I'll just call you "running on empty" because you're always needing to get something to eat.<P>If you can put aside some of your hurt pride for a second, I think you would be able to see how extreme your W's behavior really is. Years of infidelity as well as the current affair, coupled with vague indications of past sexual problems and open hostility towards you and her parents...these are not signs of a stable person...or of a typical betrayer. <P>Now you can leave her to stew in her own juices or you can do what you can to help her. Helping her might be the harder thing to do, since she probably won't help or make it any easier. You need to get her to counseling if at all possible.<P>A week ago you were ready to die because you thought you were losing her. What has changed...nothing but your outlook...all because of a few journals. Take them for what they are...the ramblings of a troubled person. If you can't be anything else to her right now, be her friend and get her some help.<P>Buffy

A sociopath is someone who can't be helped basically. They have no conscience. Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer were sociopaths. <P>I agree that your wife's behaviour sounds extreme, but is she beyond reaching? Or does she have serious wounds that will take a lot of patience and love to heal? It's hard to put someone before ourselves when we are carrying so much hurt too. It's hard to see the good in people when we are so fragile. Is there any way you can step back from this and give it a more objective look?<P>I agree with Buffy. If you can help her, please try. Leaving her now is the easy way out. She probably deserves it and no one would blame you, but you saw something in your years together. You felt it was real. You can make it real for her now if you change your perspective.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by buffy:<BR>[B]"Sorry I can't call someone "10021997" so I'll just call you "running on empty" because you're always needing to get something to eat."<P>I am still not eating, sorry for the handle, I couldnt really think of anything...it is our wedding date.<P>W does not want my help. I cannot help her as she is closing me out all together. How can I help her when I cannot reach her?<P>She wants this divorce, to fight it will just cause her to have more anger towards me and she is being very vindictive and lashing out at me. I stand to loose my home as well as my sanity.<P>I have never wanted to desert her, I wouldnt have stopped to pick her up the first time if I had. My committment to her was serious, but she does not want me.........I cannot control her or make her want me or want to come home.<P>"If you can put aside some of your hurt pride for a second, I think you would be able to see how extreme your W's behavior really is. Years of infidelity as well as the current affair, coupled with vague indications of past sexual problems and open hostility towards you and her parents...these are not signs of a stable person...or of a typical betrayer."<P>I agree..........I am afraid she is drinking again, but again.......what can I do? <P>"Now you can leave her to stew in her own juices or you can do what you can to help her. Helping her might be the harder thing to do, since she probably won't help or make it any easier. You need to get her to counseling if at all possible."<P>She won't go to counseling, even if I offered to pay, she wont go.<P>A week ago you were ready to die because you thought you were losing her. What has changed...nothing but your outlook...all because of a few journals. Take them for what they are...the ramblings of a troubled person. If you can't be anything else to her right now, be her friend and get her some help.<P><BR>I will try, but suggestions on how to get her to go would be appreciated.<P>10021997 or call me Ben<BR>

no, you are not the only one who married an illusion...<BR>my H lied so bad....and he went from loving one woman before me to finding OW right after he married me.<BR>he tells me i remind him of his very abusive father, has no empathy for my pain, and is stringing me along mercilessly. im wondering what he's gonna pull at every moment, and he blames ME for everything.<BR>he lies about EVERYTHING...education, military experience, black flamingoes (he spoke like an authority on the subject of black california flamingoes as i sat speechless, later he claimed not to remember it at all. bizarre). <BR>now THAT's a sociopath.<BR>try to realize that it's ultimately your wife's problem and detach from it long enough to eat something, ok?<BR>

Hi Ben (FKA runningonempty):<P>A point of reference is needed here. If you don't mind telling us, why is your wife so angry at you? Sure, she has an OM and that may be causing some defensive anger, but she seems to have a lot of additional anger too.<BR>Have you done something to her? This simply can't be fallout from a not-so-good marriage.<P>My H had anger too, but it was more like he was doing something he knew was wrong but he still needed to threw up a protective wall of anger to cover himself. It disappeared a few days after he left with OW and he was back to his old self again (as normal as he could be, being himself, that is).<P>Perhaps if you wife won't get counseling and is abusing alcohol, and is in the middle of this new OM relationship, now is not the time to try to reach her. She may need time to hit bottom...either way, until she wants help there is nothing you can do but be there for her when she falls. <P>Let her take the lead now in deciding how much you can assist her in getting her life back together. Be there for her, but begin to move forward in your own life. This doesn't mean you're accepting the possibility of divorce....just that for now you are letting her go so that she can make her own decisions about what she needs.<P>If in time, she doesn't realize what a "rock" you've tried to be for her, then you will know that you trully cannot help her and for your own sake you must move on.<P>This could be a time of healing for both of you...open to the air and free of bandages.<P>Buffy

Ben,<BR>Are you sure the journals are real ?<P>Could they be just something in her mind?<P>It does sound like your w is having some type of mental breakdown here.<P>Most of us here can relate to how the betrayed has treated us and the running joke(?) here that it is in the betrayers manual that they got at Betrayers school. BUt your w's behavior seems extreme. I don't recall anyone else reporting such hostility right off the bat.<P>My x did get right upin my face a few times, but that was in fights about the kids/divorce when were separated. Usually she acted like everything was fine.<P>Have you considered contacting om to see if he would acknowledge her troubled behaivior? I guess that would jsut anger her more, because you know he would tell?<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>Bob