I really don't know what to do. I found out my husband has been having an affair for the last year with one of his employees. It has been 8 months since I found out. It started just after our daughter was born I found out I was preg again a few weeks after I found out about the affair. It has been very rocky to say the least and divorce seems to be my only option. The only one I seem to be able to live with anyway. Husband is in counselling. I was until the counselor convinced me I should give him another chance and I found out he was still in contact with his lover. Anyway. My feelings for him have been so mangled. I don't respect him. I don't think I love him anymore . I view him as a disgusting malicious monster. To do such a mean and pointless thing to hurt the people who love him most. So I finally decided I can't stay for the kids and I can't live with what he did. I sent him an email explaining how I felt and why. Mostly dealing with his lack of honesty and his problem with cheating and need for attention from other women. He comes back with a lengthy letter about his time in counseling which has brought out repressed memories of him being mosleted as a child and his counselor feels that this is what has been cousing his cheating. He feels like less of a man. I am floored. I have no idea how to handle this. It doesn't take away my pain and horror of what he did to me or our family. It adds the additional fear now that he could molest our children. Plus does this mean he is so sick that it can't be controlled and I will have to go through this the rest of my life if I stay with him? I really need help. I don't know how to deal with this, what to do or think!!

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

There is counseling, and then there is good counseling.<P>It is entirely possible that what your H tells you is true. People who have been molested as children have all kinds of problems. I know someone whose W had an affair after repressed memories came out of childhood molestation by her father. The H did not find this site, or he might have been better equipped to repair the marriage. They are still together, but live as strangers.<P>My sister was also molested by a stranger as a child, and was promiscuous as a teenager.<P>The answer to your question, as I see it is this: It depends on how motivated your H is to heal and how good his counselor is at helping him through this minefield to the next step.<P>Where many people in therapy get stuck is that they think identifying the source of the problem is enough, and then the world owes them a living because they had a trauma. They get stuck at "here is why" instead of moving to "here's what to do about it."<P>Healing childhood wounds, whether sexual abuse or emotional trauma, requires a skilled therapist and more importantly, a motivated patient.<P>Your concerns about him molesting your children are not unfounded. Those who molest were usually molested. However, he IS in therapy, he IS open about it, and that really helps.<P>It would probably be useful for you to have some counseling as well, and for you BOTH to be in couples counseling.<P>If you want to be married to this guy, there IS work you can do together to help him heal from his old pain and you to heal from yours. It won't be easy, and you'll probably have to set aside your rage and resentment about the affair for a while.<P>Will it work? Maybe. It all depends on your H's motivation to heal. Do you have a handle on that?

Why is divorce the only option? I used to feel that life was that cut and dried- you play, you pay. There is no grey area. I've come to feel now that "til death do you part" is just that.<P>I felt that my dignity and self respect were things I did not want to lose. Now I feel that dignity and self-respect are something we give ourselves. My H's actions have no bearing whatsoever on my character. <P>So, can you live with what he did? You can if you change the way you look at things. People are fallible. We all need love and support. Sometimes it is so trying to give it, but you can.<P>My daughter was molested by her father, so I've been down this road. Yes, it can certainly affect people's behaviour. Yes, is associated with the risk of the victim becoming a victimizer BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT EVERY VICTIM WILL CHOSE TO DO THAT. <P>If your H is in counseling, I think that is a very good sign that he is willing to work through his issues with you and with his past. If you can't allow yourself to love and support him, at least don't close the door. Not yet. I don't think you have enough information to make this decision yet.<P>The greatest advice I got here was to wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Things do change. Sometimes they don't always work the way we want them too, but if you hang on long enough the answer seems to come to you. Time brings clarity eventually.

I had to calm down and do good planA for 2 months to get him start thinking about himself, finally he admitted there was nothing wrong with me, or not even our relationship, it was him. Then I came to the conclusion that the real reason deep down of my H's A was because of his childhood wound, which I believe he was sexually abused.<P>Of course that affected our relationship, and that's how the A happened. But before we can work on our relationship, he has to sort thing out for himself, so he wants some time and space. I'm going to let him have them because I really want him as my H and our kids' father.<P>My counselor suggested to give him a break, not to push anything, and meanwhile I work on myself. I need to be a little more independent, that's what I'm working on. My H isn't really doing much for me right now and it's hard for me to act normal without his support, but I have to be patient.<P>Also my counselor told me there are good educational videos for those victimized in past. I ordered them and I'm going to watch them, I don't know how soon my H will be ready to see things like that, but my counselor made a good sense. My H refuses counseling, but maybe such videos at his private time won't scare him so much. He doesn't face anybody while he face his fear. He can do this by himself. They are called "Better Sex Video Series" from The Sinclair Institute. <P>You can order them at <A HREF="http://www.intimacyinstitute.com." TARGET=_blank>www.intimacyinstitute.com.</A> or <BR>The Sinclair Institute<BR>PO Box 8865<BR>Chapel Hilll,NC 27515<BR>Phone:1-800-955-0888<P>My counselor said these videos are used by many therapists and really good.<P>I feel like if I don't support him, nobody can. He didn't have a very loving, caring family. So he created one with me. He is my children's father. And he is a really good father. I decided to support him, at least I have to try my best at first, before I give up.<P>I hope this will help you. I'll let you know how those videos are after I watch them, if you're interested.<BR>Take care

I don't think it is a reason for cheating, that is a conscious decision based on selfishness and self-centeredness. I do believe however, from my experience working within the social services and juvenile justice field, that being molested or abused as a child does influence greatly the characteristics of a person in their adult life. Those that have been abused or molested tend to be more emotionally needy, more selfish in their thinking, more apt to blame others for their behavior, less likely to form committed, bonding relationships and more likely to think for the moment than long term. While these traits are characteristics of many betrayers, it has been proven that you don't have to have been abused or molested to have these traits, which is why I don't believe that the abuse or molestation is a reason why someone would cheat, that to me is more excuse making.

FA,<BR>I know it wasn't the immediate cause of my H's A. If a betrayer says the ONLY reason for cheating is the fact of being abused in past, it is an excuse. My H admitted he made a consious decision to be selfish, and it was wrong.<P>I just feel that his old wound was a big obstacle to a good communication between my H and me, esp. sexually. I had a confidence problem about my body, so these two combined together and kept our communication partially disabled.<BR> <BR>Also he feels he wasn't loved enough in his childhood, as a result he has all the characteristics you pointed out. I realize that lot of people who's never been abused do have an affair too. So his past is just one of many reasons for not communicating well. For other people, this could be anything else, like not listening to your spouse, etc.<P>My point was that the fact he's been abused affected my H's personality so much, and it is something I should consider when I try to improve our relationship. Without this consideration, mostlikely nothing will work between us.<P>Like DazedandConfused said, can't get stuck at "why", we have to move on to "what to do about it". To know why is a step for the next. It is hard to put my anger aside but my H didn't want to be abused at all, and he wanted to be loved by his family badly. My H wants to stay married and he wants his family together. When I think of him this way, I feel like I can help him.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by alien:<BR><B>My point was that the fact he's been abused affected my H's personality so much, and it is something I should consider when I try to improve our relationship. Without this consideration, mostlikely nothing will work between us.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I agree with you whole heartedly, my post was not directed towards you, it was in response to the original post by lied2again.<BR>I do believe the abuse or molestation greatly affects one's personality, but believe it or not, there are alot of people out here that have been abused children and tend to think that it does not influence them and their adult lives at all and don't see the connection between that abuse and their way of thinking and the decisions that they make now. It is very hard to keep these things in consideration when trying to work on a relationship with someone that simply puts these issues under a rug and pretends that these issues don't exist.<BR>

You're right, FA. It's hard. I'm not sure if my H realizes his past has something to do with his A either, he just said "he has lots of personal problems."<P>And I'm writing all of this for lied2again (and others) too, I just thought my experience might help... because I also had no idea how to deal with this issue when I had to face it first...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by F A:<BR><B>I don't think it is a reason for cheating, that is a conscious decision based on selfishness and self-centeredness. I do believe however, from my experience working within the social services and juvenile justice field, that being molested or abused as a child does influence greatly the characteristics of a person in their adult life. Those that have been abused or molested tend to be more emotionally needy, more selfish in their thinking, more apt to blame others for their behavior, less likely to form committed, bonding relationships and more likely to think for the moment than long term. While these traits are characteristics of many betrayers, it has been proven that you don't have to have been abused or molested to have these traits, which is why I don't believe that the abuse or molestation is a reason why someone would cheat, that to me is more excuse making.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Thanks so much for all the responces I got. It was helpful top hear others take on things. I am due in 6 weeks and my emotions are all over the place. Most of the time I am so angry and bitter I can;t seem to let go of these feelings. When I do some reminder always comes up to plumement me back to hell. I will talk to my husband about his long term calls for recovery and see where we as a family fit into the picture. However I really don't see myself as being strong enough to deal with the fact that I and my children meant so little. Bottom line he picked something cheap and dirty over something pure and good.