Today my H had OW over at his house for lunch. He tells me its nothing, she just stops by to see how I am doing. Well, on Friday he promised he wouldnt see her anymore. He wont commit to really try to fix us, but he wont let go of her either. I am so tired of all the lies. He says I am the one who talks in circles. HELLO!!! You know the twisted thing is I feel so wierd sometimes I check the garbage to see if her cigs are in there. One time I found myself putting a grocery list back together when I originally thought it was a note from her! LOL!! Any one else do stuff like that, or do I just like to torture myself. Yuk. This is not me. I cant keep going on like this. When we spend time together we usually have an OK time, but he never really want to do things with me on the weekend, but I can wake him up in the morning or go over for lunch on the weekdays. i try to make this as comfy and fun as possible. He is not in the best mood when he gets up, but I try. We spend Sunday together and it is ok, we have fun with the kids. He will pat my leg or tease me about something all the time and this gives me hope. Now what do I do about this episode today?? Do I question him about why she was even there when he said he was not seeing her, or do I let it go. I will get some lame excuse that I know is not try because I know she has been there other times and I havent said anything to him about it except that I am not stupid or niave. I know how you feel and tell him he can talk to me if he needs to. That is what I am here for and he rolls his eyes. I am ready to do some major LB!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to shake him and tell him to wake up. No more lies. Help!!!!!!!!!!What do I do, confront or be a rug????

I feel like my heart has been cut into a million pieces by a razor blade. My back is against the wall here. i love him and want this to work, but this is killing me. What I want to say and what I should say are two diffrent things. He doesnt seem to listen anyway. i thought I was over all this hurt but it came back today with a punch. I cant stand the thought of them being together and thinking about how stupid I must be because they think I dont know. It just makes me want to cry on and on. I have a hard time eating and I feel alot of anxiety. please guys, I need your help. I pray everyday for H and OW minds be cleared. How do you handle all this pain?? Sometimes I wonder if I'm really losing it.

Mam,<P>I don't have the answers for you hon, but I am here...reading everything you're posting and so are many many others.<P>Where do we find the strength for this? I wish I had the answer for your questions. Your Husband will give you nothing right now...nothing but more hurt, yet we hang in there. We plan A'ers are amazing people arent'we! The pain we feel was nothing I could have imagined, yet we keep at it because we KNOW there is no other way. There isn't.<P>You have to stay strong somehow. Take a break. Quit going over there until you get yourself together and in the right frame of mind to handle this. Your husband is being a jerk, and that is what they do. They have to justify this horrid behavior somehow, and the only way they have is to convince themselves how terrible we are. Don't play into it. If you can, please stop going through his things. I know this is nearly impossible, but is it really doing you any good? <P>Does H allow you into his place when he's not there, or do you go in without his permission. You know, I've been tempted to make a copy of my H's apartment key and do a little snooping myself, but who would it help? Not me. There is NOTHING I can do about his actions. NADA, ZIP. I can only learn, quite slowly in my case, to make myself the kind of person I want to be/and the kind of person he wants to be married to.<P>Take some time...don't do anything right now. Read or re-read more articles or books. Pray a lot. Let yourself feel the pain. Cry. Kick the darn cat if you need to, but don't let him get to you like this. Every time to tell your H that you are there for him...it's registering hon. If he was done with his relationship with you he would not be seeing you so much.<P>This is HIS roller coaster, and you have to let him ride it out. Don't get on it with him, you have enough of your own work to do without letting him drag you into his mess.<P>Mam...keep posting. Let us know how you are doing. YOu are at the worst part of this right now. <P>You know, you are not stupid...they are. They think they have a little secret going, and they don't, you are on to them big time. Just remember that, it's your secret...you are in control of it. Be a little smug with it. You know something they don't know and that feels kinda good doesn't it? Keep it to yourself, and to these boards.<P>You will be ok. YOu really will. <BR>allison

Dear Allison,<P>I just want to thank you for being here for me. Your right, we must be really strong people to keep putting up with this S**T. I think that once we are all through this our spouses will have to look back and see what great people we are to have been treated so badly and still be here for them. Im still not sure of what to do, but I have prayed for the right answer to come to me. I will post my whole story for everyone to read tonite and honey, its a Novel!! LOL. have to go, Im still at work. One thing I keep telling myself over and over is that its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog!! Corny, I know but it is very true. God bless you all. I hope you all know this site is a godsend to us all and if I hadnt found this, I dont know what I would have done.

Hi Mam,<P>You sound so much better already.<P>Can't wait to read the novel. Hang in there.<P>allison

Mam:<P>Where's that novel?<P>Hon, you're torturing yourself right now, and I wish we could make you understand how futile it all is. <P>There is a time for everything and everything in it's own time. Much as we would like for all of this to go away and our H or W to suddenly come to their right minds...it just isn't going to happen right now...no matter what we do or say. <P>Because you know what..this isn't about us...and we have very little effect on the situation...except as a source of guilt and irritation (a fly in the ointment of love). And to continue to try to argue and reason with them does us more harm that it does good. <P>So take our advise and try to step back and limit your involvement in the whole process. Your H is still in the middle of the whole thing no matter what he says. There will probably not be a resolution soon, so for your own sake take back what control you do have...your reaction. <P>All the snooping in the word won't change a thing, it will only keep you tangled up emotionally with H and OW. <P>If you can Plan A you have a perfect opportunity when he allows you to visit during the week and on Sunday. This is an important opening, don't blow it by LB about OW's visiting. She is going to visit until he decides it's over...accept that. Looks like he is making some tenative steps in that direction though.<P>Thank God you have found this board. After all your friends and family get tired of it all, we'll still be here to listen and to allow you to rant and rave until you feel better.<P>Buffy

mam,<P>I remember saying and thinking the EXACT same things that you said in your earlier post. I too snooped through everything! The trash, the car, wallet, internet, clothes etc.. If I thought there was a place that something would be hidden, I went to look there. It made me feel completely insane. I thought i would die from an anxiety attack, I was irritable all the time and had little patience for my children. Every day I prayed for peace and that my H and OW would open their eyes and see what they were doing for what it really was. I prayed everyday that I would not snoop. Some days I would make it through the day, others only a few hours. I finally prayed that if I was supposed to see something that I would not have to look for it. And that's exactly what happened. It sort of fell into my lap. Of course, during this time I was plan Aying my butt off. It payed off, not in my time, but in God's time. It was hell but things have turned around and H is really really trying to be a better husband. I can't say this enough, don't drive yourself crazy. We can not control the situation in any way. We just have to be the best spouse we can be and wait. Eventually, when the affair sees the light of day, it will die on its own. <P>I came to this web site for hours and hours in the beginning. I felt so good just reading that other people were feeling just like me.<BR>Hot little tip: Usually the OW is pushing for some sort of commitment to the relationship. If your are doing your plan A right, WS will see you as a non threatening environment and a more pleasant place to be. The OW will eventually shoot herself in the foot.<P>take care, mam, I'll be praying for you.<P>cleo