Well,<P>as time has slowly gone on, I finally lost my patients last night. I very nearly gave her an ultimatum. I want to go on with my life with or without her. I am so tired of thinking about this, and living in this nightmare. I need a vacation form this hell! I want to start making progress somewhere, this sitting here in limbo while she sits the fence is painfull and anoying. I hate being paranoid about where she is going or where she has been. I want a life back! <P>Thanks for the vent space

Homer,<P>I do so know what you mean. There has been at least a hundred times I have wanted to tell my H that it is either her or me. I can't keep doing this to myself. Then something always happens and I decide to wait. He either calls or I read something that touches me and keeps me going. We are not doing this for ourselves, we are doing this for our spouses because we love them. They are sick, and need our reassurence, even if they dont let you know that. How long have you been doing this? I have been trying for 9 months. We have two girls together and this all breaks my heart. Do you have children? Know one can tell you when its time to let go or when its time to keep trying. All I can say is that have you tried everything you can think of? Plan A your butt off, do things you first did when dating and just have fun together. Yes easier said than done, but its a great place to try and rebuild some of those feelings again. No pushing-Just FUN!! I posted this before and it is corny, but ya know its true. Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog. Big hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>Hang in there, hon. We are all here and reading everything you post. This roller coaster is a killer, but just think, when we finish the ride of how strong we will be in the end and hopefully with gods help a better marriage than we have had before!!<BR>Susan

Homer,<P>Good vent! Now get back on plan. You are way too early in this game to give up. <P>You know, I keep doing the same thing you do. We all do it. I think I am the Plan A queen, then whoops...I mess up. The kind folks here kick me in the butt and get me going again. I'm sure you did no real harm last night, but Homer, watch those ultimatams..they are dangerous.<P>Can you get away for a few days alone? Maybe you do need a vacation from this stuff. I did it, went away a few times of late without kids or H and it did me a world of good. Do you have a trusted *male* friend you can bunk with for a night or two? <P>You're ok Homer, you're doing great. Keep posting, we don't see enough of you here. Better to yell at us than wife.<P>allison<BR>

Hate to be redundant, but PLAN A!!! You have the home court advantage, don't forget that. If you love your wife, please be patient. Lord knows it's hard, but for your marriage to work, you have to be her "retreat", her shoulder to cry on (I've been there, and it's a tongue-biting, pride-swallowing ordeal. Probably the most difficult thing you'll ever have to do) The affair more than likely will die a natural death, as long as you continue being patient and implementing plan A. If you need to vent, come here. Best of luck!

Ya know, I don't have a problem with most of plan A, the problem I have is I can't stand not to communicate. I die a little every day and I hate my life right now.

Homer -<P>I posted in the Recovery Forum, and thought I would cut and paste that post here. Maybe this will help ease the pain of being patient. Anyway, it's below, if you need it.<P><BR>I know a lot you of don't know my full story, but I thought I'd just share some thoughts.<P>I am the WS, and my H and I have been in recovery for about 4 months. I've really been<BR>having a hard time sorting through my feelings of guilt, remorse and general<BR>worthlessness. Ever had one of those days when nothing seems to go right? Well, I had<BR>one of those weekends recently.<P>At one point during my pity party, I asked my husband when will all of this be over? When will we get back to being normal? I want this whole thing to be over. Now, whether you're a BS or a WS, I bet you've felt that way, maybe even recently.<P>Anyway, I don't mean to ramble, but I'm reading this book "Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back," which was recommended to me. The book is written by a well known Christian Minister, but whether you are Christian or not, I think the principle still holds true.<BR> <BR>Anyway, here's the passage I wanted to share:<P>"The key word is perserverance. We grow and we learn - not when things come our way instantly - but when we are forced to wait. That's when God tempers and seasons us, making us mellow and mature."<P>The author suggests that "giving it time" is difficult for us because it involves trusting<BR>and it implies resting. (We think we should be doing something, right?)<P>In another chapter of the book there is a prayer for "slowing things down." Here are just a few lines:<P>"Slow me down, Lord and inspire me to send my roots deep into the soil of life's enduring<BR>values, that I may grow toward my greater destiny. Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward to the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well."<P>So, for my friends out there (myself included) who are being told to "hang in there," "be patient," "give him/her a little more time," - I hope this makes the waiting a little less painful. <P>Homer, hang in there!! I don't know what your religious background is, and I hope I haven't offended you. But, I believe we all experience trials and tribulations at differnt times in life and in different ways. You and your wife are experiencing a horrible situation, but there has to be some good that comes out of this. My H and I have been in recovery for only 4 months - but already, we're talking more openly, we're trying to understand each other - the key word, we're trying.<P>All of us experience setbacks, or want things to move along faster than they are, but things will work out in due time. Maybe a mini vacation for yourself would be a good idea. When my H and I were about 1 month into recovery, I took a four day weekend with my girlfriends to just hang out - we didn't talk about men, we didn't talk about how we were feeling, we just had fun. If you can't bunk with a friend (maybe that would force you to share things that you are not ready too) how about spending the night in another town? Just do what is necessary to maintain your sanity. AND HANG IN THERE, YOU'RE DOING GOOD BUDDY!<P>

SKM,<BR>that really helps. I hate not being in control of my own destiny. The Psycologist said I'm immature, I guess it it showing in my lack of patients. I just want to throw a "temper tantrum". I want things to go my way NOW! But I need to grow up and learn to live my life. uggg what a painfull process. And yes I am a Christian. And he helps a lot.

"Hey Man, this is hard." <P>You sound just like me, impatient for it all to be over. <P>And everytime they walk out that door, they make the choice of OP again and that knife cuts again to the bone. Why should we continue to let ourselves bleed...there's healing out there for us...a new life...new "friends"....a release from all the stress...letting go would be so much easier. <P>But you know, Homer, it's just a momentary thing, it passes and life as we know it now takes up again...and reminds us what we really want is to have our old life back again...but that's not possible...our old life is gone...loss in the dust of the affair. <P>But we can build a new life...hopefully a better life with a renew relationship...but first we have to accept that the affair has happened and the consequences must be dealt with. So don't get discouraged because it's hard...and don't expect miracles overnight. <P>Buffy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by homer:<BR><B>Ya know, I don't have a problem with most of plan A, the problem I have is I can't stand not to communicate. I die a little every day and I hate my life right now. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've been thinking about you, bud. Hang in there. Remember, you Plan A as long as you CAN....once you're tapped out and can't do it anymore without lovebusting, you go to Plan B. You have to make that call. The consequences could go either way, but you can only control your actions. Maybe pop the 85 clams and talk to a Harley on the phone.<P>Maybe some WS could comment as to the signals sent by their BS....to me, I would think it a little sad if I confessed an affair to me W and she said "Oh. Say, can I make you your favorite dinner??" <P> <P>