I need help with this big time! Some of you know my story...if not you can read it here just like the rest of the gang. Anyway things seem to be going well with H on the homefront. We have been basically inseparable, doing lots of stuff together and with kids. Had a great vacation last week but now we are home and I am faced again with his continued 'association' as he calls it with OW who is his secretary. He said that he was going to try to get moved to a different office again, at a counseling session this time so I was not the only witness...but he seems to be unwilling to actually do it. <P>I am nearing the end of my rope with this 'association'. It's like he thinks that as long as I am happy at home he can continue whatever it is now. I cannot tolerate it anymore and don't know what to do. Should I talk to him and tell him how I feel? I do not like H going to office, knowing that she is calling our home, paging him, sending him emails...how do I approach him about this? <BR>Maybe he thinks that they can be friends...but I cannot take that. It is not possible for me to accept that, it is just too convenient and as far as I am concerned still an affair just under a different name.<P>He does not realize I think that all it takes is a look, a smile, a tone of voice to keep that spark alive. <P>In short, how do I tell him nicely to GET AWAY FROM HER AND STAY AWAY FROM HER , that he is still risking us for her?<P>Allison, probably not what you wanted to hear huh?

Well hold on Victoria,<P>I heard a lot of good stuff here too.<P>And what you'll hear back probably isn't what you want to hear either. There are hopefully some here that have the answers you are looking for, but I think he has to do it himself...which just sucks!!!<P>It drives all of us totally crazy Victoria. I don't understand the hold either, as I've never been a betrayer, but after reading so many posts from betrayers here, that is a strong hold they have to break.<P>We just have to accept it I guess. Plan B seems to be the only other alternative and you are miles from having to go there.<P>You're doing everything right though. You've come a long, long way. To be able to say that you and H are inseperable...that's pretty huge. You have his heart, she just has a tiny piece of his imagination. Sounds like he knows where he wants to be, you just have to have a little patience till he gets there 100%.<P>Keep pluggin'. I will if you will. Deal?<P>allison<P>

Thanks, I know I know...some days I am just low on patience and I want to rip his head off...or at least tell him what an idiot he is. But as you say he has to deal with this on his own. <P>The real question is how to tell him how I feel without him getting all out of shape. He says that part of our problem before was that I did not tell him how I feel...so how do I delicately tell him that I am still 'bothered by his continued association' as H said to counselor. <P>The affair has been going on for nearly a year, although he would never admit it was that long...I am really tired of it.<P>But then I have him, and she doesn't and thinking back he told me that even if possible they would not be together. That sounds like he realizes it for what it is, but why is he hanging on? He knows how I feel. I guess it could be what I have read here about them not quite believing that things are better and that it takes time. I am living proof of it daily, guess he is too. He is at home with me doing things that we had stopped doing for quite some time.<P>I don't know what I am looking for here, maybe just an ear to listen to my bad mood today.<P>Thanks all!

Just a quick thought here Victoria.<P>You said that your H said...part of your problems are that he does not know how you feel, then further down you said that he knows how you feel.<P>Does he? Are you afraid to tell him? Did you tell him in the counselors office how you feel about his "association"? <P>Sounds like one of his needs is maybe openness and honesty. Can you write him a note to explain how this is making you feel? <BR>I know you don't want to sound like you're whining, or nagging, but if you do it right I bet he'll appreciate the effort. I don't know how you feel about this, but if my H has had a few drinks he opens up a lot more...I have to get him when his guard is down. That's how I got him to admit his affair. <P>Anyhoo, this was supposed to be a quick thought. Not sure if I've ever had a quick thought in my life...lol.<P>allison

I've been wondering where you were!!!! <P>OK, I know how you feel. Robert thought there was absolutely nothing wrong with him and PT being close friends as long as he wasn't attracted to her anymore. AAUUUGGGHH!<P>Well, I knew there was nothing I could do about their working together....changing jobs is not a possibility at this time...but it hurt so much that they talked daily. And I couldn't react. None of the material made sense to him - he was "different" - of course!<P>He was very honest about contact and they're conversations and urged me to check his messages supposedly b/c he'd forget to...I think it was just to show he had nothing to hide. That did help. I backed off for a while - until the "Victoria's Secret" incident. After my little phone call and her subsequent "upset" call to him, we had a little talk. He said "you know you don't have to worry." I said "I'm not worried. I do trust you. That is a very painful part of our lives that we are working hard to get past and doing a heckuva good job at! But, I got hurt. And your continued friendship with her just brings it all right back in my face again. We have decided to put the past behind us. I have promised that you are forgiven and I won't throw this in your face. And I haven't. But your friendship with her brings all the bad memories right back up and throws it in MY face. That's why it's so hard. I would never ask you to give up a friendship, but How can I move past this when there's a constant reminder?"<P>I guess I finally put it the right way. FINALLY he understood!!! I just let it go then, but it obviously stayed on his mind. He didn't want me to dwell on the past, yet he was shoving the past AT me. That just made sense to him. Before I even realized what was going on, he stopped taking her calls at all. Told her he didn't want to hear from her, didn't want to be her friend and actually ASKED for a transfer. Then mentioned it to me like it was no big deal!<P>Sometimes it just takes time and then there's that "lightbulb" moment!! Hang in there, Hon. You'll find a way. Things are going too good for you not to continue.<P>Talk to you soon.<P>Lori

HELLO - I struggle with the same feelings daily. My husband and the other woman work together and it drives me crazy ( we have the added difficulty that she is preg.) I try not to obsess and somedays are better than others. Venting here helps a lot. I feel as long as he lives at home and you are trying to make those "Deposits" you have some kind of hold. I think it takes longer than we realize to break the cycle. Then again I also worry that maybe it is just a case of having his cake and eating it too. That is where trust comes in and it is so hard right now to trust anything!! I would also like to tell my husband to get away from her and stay away but I realize right now it would be the biggest LB of all. It has to come from him. Try to continue to be thoughtful. Tomorrow is my husband's birthday and he gets up early for work. I plan on having in the kitchen near the coffeepot a banner the kids made for him . I bought him a special breakfast and a fishing magazine to read and am planning to leave it all set up for him in the AM. His big present comes later. I'll post about that tommorrow if all goes well. Good luck and we all feel for you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by victoria farrar:<BR><B><BR>But then I have him, and she doesn't and thinking back he told me that even if possible they would not be together. That sounds like he realizes it for what it is, but why is he hanging on? He knows how I feel. I guess it could be what I have read here about them not quite believing that things are better and that it takes time. I am living proof of it daily, guess he is too. He is at home with me doing things that we had stopped doing for quite some time.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>How you tell him about how you feel? Well, if you did LB questionaire you definately know how NOT to do it. Just share your feelings as non-judgementally, as lovingly and calmly as you can and without any expectations from him. Just put the thought in his head and back away. That's all you can do. Then continue your plan A like crazy. I told my H that the work situation was making my recovery very hard and slow to progress and that I needed alot of help and reassurances from him. We brainstormed and came up with some ideas: i.e. he'd call me as often as he could. Wanted me to call him at least 7 times a day (I can't find the time to do it more than once! But it's nice he wanted me to try), he'd show me his cell phone messages, calls at the end of the day, he'd show me their business correspondences, he'd tell me of any meetings they might have had, what was said, etc. It's token, to be sure, but his willingness is what counts to me.<P>Your discussion, you'll have to play it in your mind first--make sure you don't LB--avoid it like the plague.<P> OW's trying to get him back and is gradually doing some very foolish things that are tarnishing her "perfect woman" image. Even tho we are in recovery H would always defend her when people would point out her flaws--he just couldn't see them. Now, he's seeing them. He's losing respect for her and any lingering feelings he might have had. His fantasy is dying a natural death. Try looking at it like this--you have an opportunity here. You will know your H will be with you not out of guilt or duty--but b/c he'll know you are the better woman for him. He won't have that fantasy picture of OW anymore, she'll LB herself into reality. <P>Be gracious, be kind, be loving. Don't do or say anything unkind about OW. Believe me, she will be to you. You're H will see the contrast daily--that's the beauty of all this. Think the "Good Witch of the East" vs. the "Wicked Witch of the West"! And let the house fall where it may!!<P>The A served to meet his needs you were not meeting. He came back to you because you meet either most of them or the most important ones. He may have warm fuzzy thoughts of her still because of the need she met but you know how to do it all now. And what man wouldn't love the idea that two women are in love with him! <BR> <BR>Eventually he'll see he doesn't need both of you anymore. Even better, OW will see that he doesn't idolize her anymore. And that he chose you because he really loves you, not because he "had" to.<P>"There's no place like home..."

Hi guys...<BR>Allison...maybe I wasn't clear...he said that I did not talk to him about my feelings previously. Now I make sure that I do, and yes I did agree that it bothers me. Honesty is a BIG one with him, only now I feel as though I am the honest one and he is not, and it might be because he is in that 'I don't want to hurt her' mode. In past conversations I have admitted when something he said bothered me but made sure to also tell him that I understood his feelings and that I appreciated his being able to talk to me about it. Now he doesn't tell me how he feels even when I ask...so am I to take it that there is nothing for him to tell me? <P>He also told me that there was nothing bothering him about us now...so I guess I will take it that I am meeting his needs and hope that he would tell me otherwise. <P>I told him once that the what if's crept in from time to time and that it bothered me, he said there was no reason for me to be thinking like that. Sometimes I just have a hard time believing in him again.<P>Lori- I do like the way you put the friendship thing and how it reminded YOU. That type of approach would probably work well with my H. Have found that it seems to work best when I relate things to me instead of him, because then he feels like I am sharing how I feel. And I am.<P>Again thanks! Sometimes I forget just how wise you all are.

My H also loves it when I share my feelings...<P>How "lucky I feel" that I'm married to him...<P>How "proud" I am of him...<P>How "turned on" I am by him...<P>How "happy" he makes me...<P>How "miserable" I would be without him...<P>How much I "adore" him...<P>LOL, you get the idea. He doesn't necessarily want to know my "honest" negative feelings that he is in some way responsible for.<BR>Or that I have neg. feelings towards something he may still have "warm fuzzies" about. Whether that be the OP or his threadbare favorite t-shirt.<P>My H wants me to admire him, to look up to him or at least to look at him with love in my eyes. <P> When he tells me a memory or an incident involving OW--I try to react like a supportive friend. Sometimes I feel hurt and can only just smile (tho it's a rather sad one) and squeeze his hand or kiss his cheek or hug him if only to show that I'm pleased he's sharing himself with me. That is what keeps him talking to me and sharing what's going on in his mind--not just occurances--but what I really want to know--how HE FEELS about those occurances. We are in this together, supporting eachother--he meets my need for honesty and I meet his for admiration and affection--and it's still honest!!<P>Now, HONESTLY, how would you want your H to react to your occasional thoughtless acts or words? Do you want him to tell you how "honestly" upset he is or that he "honestly" still loves you thru it all?