H has children - well at least 2 of them for 2 weeks. OW is on holiday but he still makes no effort to contact me. H told SIL today that OW is love of his life and he had been unhappy with me for a long time. <P>Should I just give up or soldier on. I am having great difficulty getting hold of "Suriving and affair".. Any pointers on how to execute a Plan A in this situation.<P>Any suggestions welcome

Now honey, I don't know how much help I'm going to be, but I'll do my best <P>First of all, the Surviving an Affair book is available on this site I believe. Order it, it is a TREMENDOUS help. Also, TRIANGLES - Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair.<BR>by Lana Staheli, Ph.D.<BR>is a great help as well (she is an AWESOME local counselor in my area). One of the biggest things that Dr Harley brings up in <BR>SAA is that most affairs will die a natural death. Once the affair is out in the open, and the WS and OP have to deal with each other day-to-day, it's usually NOT going to work out. The hardest part is sticking it out during this process. It takes a TON of patience on the BS's part, but it does work. Some other facts out of Dr. Staheli's book, Understanding, Preventing, and Surviving an Affair:<BR>*Love affairs are different from sex affairs<BR>*Men and women have love affairs for the same reasons but sex affairs for different reasons<BR>*Most affairs last between two and three years, but the consequences can last a lifetime<BR>*Fewer than 10% of affairees divorce their spouse then marry their lover<BR>*Over 75% of those who do divorce and marry their lover divorce again<BR>*Nearly 80% of those who divorce during an affair are sorry later<BR>*Most marriages survive affairs, If you want to stay married, you can.<P>Keep posting and reading here. It helps a GREAT deal. You learn a lot and you're better prepared to handle things. Hope that helped a *little* <BR>

My SIL called me during this mess...Robert had been spending a lot of time with his sister..<P>"Lori, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it's time for you to move on. Robert has been miserable married to you for a long time and he's finally happy for the first time in years. He's happy with PT and looking forward to marrying her, adopting her child and starting a family. There's really no need for you to talk w/ Mom, worry about him anymore. PT will be part of our family as soon as he can get a divorce. This marriage is over. He seems so happy now and I want my brother happy."<P>Well, now, we all know what happened, right?<P>Keep plan Aing, Honey. <P>Lori

Hi Annie,<P>I will happily overnight you a copy of SAA. Just give me your address and I'll do it today. If you don't want to post your address, let me know and I'll give you my e mail address. Annie, take me up on this, I am serious!!!<P>Question for Lori...what is your relationshipo like with your SIL now? I would not want anything to do with her if I were you, but you seem like a very forgiving person. Did you forgive her?<P>allison

Closer than we've ever been in the last ten years! We try to get together at least once a week..<P>Robert has SEVEN brothers and sisters, she's the closest to us in age (of the girls) and one of Robert's closest friends. She, btw, is the SAME one who had an affair during her marriage years ago and divorced (she was very neglected and unhappy - sound familiar). Well, took her a while to get her head together (and, yes, like most people, cannot BELIEVE she did what she did!). About 5 years after their divorce, she and her ex ran into each other, started dating and remarried!!! They've been doing GREAT for years.<P>Anyway, I don't know if I'm particularly forgiving or not. We weren't all that close before and all she had to go on was what Robert and PT were telling her and we all know what kind of info THAT was at the time. Once she started seeing more of them, as the months dragged on, she, like the rest of his family realized what was really happening and she changed her tune. She didn't contact me again until AFTER he had decided to come home, but I know she worked on my behalf at least for the second part of the separation (MIL kept me informed.)<P>When she found out he was thinking of coming home, she offered him a place to stay to "transition" from PT's to home and was very supportive. When he CAME home and was having a hard time adjusting, she wrote him the most beautiful letter of encouragement, describing me as some kind of wonderwoman or something! When we finally spoke face to face, she did apologize for speaking so soon. How can I be mad? She really believed the things her brother was saying and her loyalty was strong. We've spent a lot more time together since then and I really like her a lot...I mean, I always liked her, but now I know her a lot better and we really do have a great time!! We were the two who went to PT's to deliver her baby's trike from his mom's and it was US he told to "break in" and get the rest of his things. (We didn't, but it was tempting! ) She's also the one who, when PT had bought a vehicle of her own and didn't need OURS anymore, yet refused to give it up, took the spare key and with my FIL'S help, tracked it down, cleaned out all PT's stuff and confiscated it for us!! Then cleaned it good ("to get the PT out!") and returned it to us. She's a tiny little thing, btw, but amazing once she sets her mind to something!<P>Now.....how can you stay mad at someone like THAT???? Life's too short to hold grudges. And look at all the good times I'd be missing!!!! We get into trouble better than anyone I know!<P>Lori

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thanks for the encouragement.<P>I am really struggling to be positive just now. He told SIL that he is having people round for dinner (work colleagues who knew me) somehow that really hurt me. I have so little contact with him that I really can't figure out how to do a good plan A. I am in the middle of moving house just now and packing things up is just bring back memories and playing havoc with my emotions. In some ways I am not coping as well now as in earlier days - I really don't understand this. <P>He told SIL that he is really lonely just now because OW is away on holiday. Does this excuse him asking women out on the internet. (he definately did not know that was me).<P>He is being very good about money etc at the moment. OW thinks she has found a way to stay in the country after all so she does not need to marry him in such a hurry.<P>My thinking seems very muddled just now - one moment I am very positive and the next I seem to be in the depths of dispair.<P>I have ordered a copy of SAA and it should be delivered in the next two weeks.<P>Thanks to all for listening to my ramblings.<P>A

Annie:<P>This is all about support. It must be hard to be a betrayer. Everybody telling your you're wrong, pleading with you to go back to your wife...that you've made a mistake...totally misunderstanding how important this new relationship is to you.<P>So you turn to those who love you the most..your family. And because they love you they try to understand and believe what you're telling them. And right then you really believe what you're telling them.<BR>If you're lucky you'll get the support you need.<P>I know that when my H first started his affair the first place he went looking for support was his mother and his sister. He never found the type of support he was after so he never tried to gain their support again.<P>So, you have a measure of how supportive your H's family is right now. So don't let them be a filter through which you get information. Their information is colored by their love for their brother or son. And that's not their fault..it's just the way it is...if your family won't support you, who will?<P>Lack of feedback can be hard on you when you don't have much contact with H. It's easy to lose your focus when you have no gauge to measure your progress by. Maybe you could reverse the filter process with SIL and direct a little information your H's way. Contact is contact.<BR> <BR>Keep on keeping on...until you decide it's time to quit...no one should decide that for you.<P>Buffy<P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 12, 2000).]

Car broke down 2 days ago and I am not a member of a breakdown company. H is so I phoned him and he sorted it out for me.<P>I was polite and thanked him. Yesterday I send him an e-card to thank him - I know that he has read it because it flagged up on my pc. He has phoned twice since about the children but has not mentioned the card. Is this good or bad - I can't make up my mind.

Hi, Honey.<P>Look, you've got to settle down just a bit. And, yes, I do remember just how very hard that is.<P>You will be hearing and seeing lots of things during this mess and you can't allow them to affect you a whole lot. "Stay the course." You'll get better and better at chaulking them up to "the betrayer handbook" and letting them go and going back to what you were doing.<P>From what I've noticed, you're doing a great job.....can't expect any more. Just don't let these things throw you. If you do, they'll send you backwards and you don't need that.<P>Now, back to the e-mail. I sent Robert letters and cards (mostly letters) once a WEEK for months!!!! He never acknowledged a single one for over 5 months. (PT did to my MIL, however, in her OWN precious way!! )<P>He began calling a little more in late December with dumb stuff to ask me to do for him (now before then, he'd go WEEKS w/out a call and all of a sudden I was getting three in ONE week!) I laughed and joked and flirted with him every time. During ONE conversation, all of a sudden "Oh, btw, thanks a lot for the cards and letters, they're sweet." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost fainted.<P>Later in the conversation, we were talking about his new cellphone (he had just gotten one and called to give me the number. Huh? I wasn't supposed to be CALLING him last I heard? Oh, well) I mentioned that when I could afford one, I was gonna get one too. Now that Kristin was getting ready to drive, I wanted one for her to carry one with her. "Well, if you didn't spend so much money on cards and stuff, maybe you could afford one." Ouch! "Oh, would you rather not get anymore?" "I didn't say THAT!" "Cool, 'cause you're gonna get 'em anyway!! LOL"<P>He just laughed.<P>Now remember, this was MONTHS down the road and I couldn't have said those things earlier on and he never acknowledged anything. BUT.....he saved them all - until PT threw them out after mutilating them all. (and, no, that didn't go over well at all!)<P>Follow your instincts. And remember, his behavior is typical. Just blow it off and keep on track.<P>Luv ya,<BR>Lori

Thanks for the advice Lori. I know you are right - I must not expect anything in return but boy it is difficult.<P>I will try to remain positive and patient(not my strong point but I am working on it)<P>Take care<BR>A