Please don't think I'm referring to the OM, because I'm not at all. This is totally off that subject.<P>I've been observing co-workers of mine, and I'm "seeing" some of these relationships that could be or become dangerous. I know affairs happen all the time, but a particular co-worker of mine may be headed down the wrong road.<P>I'm just curious if men and women can be really close friends w/out it turning into more. The only really close male friend I've had (since I was young) was the OM. We started out just friends, but it became much more. At that time, I considered him my best friend. But, that's history.<P>Now, my best friend is my H. I do have another "best friend", but she's a female. I know personally that I could never have another male friend that close because of what happened to my H and I. But, that doesn't mean others can't. <P>Do any of you have really close friends of the opposite sex that don't interfere w/your marriage? Just curious......<p>[This message has been edited by momma (edited July 14, 2000).]

I think an opposite sex friendship stays a friendship only when one or both of the people are truly not attracted to each other...and never go for drinks or spend time alone together. <P>It's basically just a situation waiting to happen.<P>And I have male friends, but I never go out with them alone and although I joke, I don't flirt. The last male friendship I developed, he was "in love" with me for a long time while I thought it was friendship.<BR>

Dear momma,<P>There are lots of threads on this board that deal with the "platonic opposite sex friendship theme" - wish I could remember them all.<P>I don't think in general it's a good idea. I responded to a post by Shedawg in detail and have told my story ad nauseum here in my posts. Feel free to search them.<P>Belle<P><BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 14, 2000).]

NO!!!!! I have females that I consider friends, maybe a better word would be acquaintances, because I don't go out with them alone. Once males and females begin going out alone things happen, they always do.

The male friends I have are men I was friends with before I met my H. I was never involved with any of them. Once I got married I no longer went out alone with them. You can have acquaintances at work and such but once it turns into phone calls, outings, watch out. Certain things are just asking for trouble and aren't appropriate. OW was a temp at my H's work. She followed him around like a puppy from waht I understand (not from him). After she left there she continued to call him, ask him out. She wanted to be his "friend" LOL. Naturally he didn't tell me this. He knew this "friendship" was inappropriate even before he took her up on one of her offers. But gee, how could I not see how much in common a 22 year old unwed mom with no education has in common with a professional, married, 35 year old executive. Of course in the end he realized that too. Duh. Needless to say H doesn't get to have female "buddies" anymore.

I think you all are right. This co-worker of mine is budding up w/another man here on our campus. They're teasing each other in front of everyone, calling each other, <BR>e-mailing (she's told me), etc. I told her to be careful, this can lead to trouble. But she says they're just friends. HA! Famous last words.<P>She knows what I have been through, and we had a little talk yesterday about not letting it get out of hand. She says they would never do anything like that! But, today it's more of the same thing. I'm not stupid, I've been in her shoes. I just wish she'd wake up before she really screws up. They're both married (he's much older, close to 15 yrs. or so older than her). I don't want to tell her later, "I told you so." But, she has to make her own decisions. It just angers me that she won't listen to me!<P>There's nothing I can do about it, though! Stay out of it, I guess!

I can whole heartedly identify with your frustration. I have a friend who seems to always need to have a close friend of the opposite sex. He has a perpetual wandering eye and is very caught up in physical fitness, to the extreme. <P>I was at the pool swimming laps with him the day he met his first female "friend". I watched as the relationship went from cordial to way out of line. To my amazement his wife and her husband didn't step in. It got to the point that I was so uncomfortable around them that I kind of exited the scene. It wasn't too many months later that I learned that the relationship had become physical and both marriages were in serious trouble. He managed to do the right things and saved his marriage. I often felt guilty that I had never spoken up about how dangerous I thought the relationship was but this guy dosen't take advice he only gives it. If you know what I mean.<P>Well he kept his nose clean for a couple of years and then hooked up (at least emotionally) with another female "training" partner. I watched as this relationship too became inappropriate. The kicker for me were the long full frontal hugs they engaged in when parting company. I was even more incredulous when I witnessed these hugs taking place in front of this woman's husband! I could be silent no longer. I expressed my concern and was basically told that nothing was going on and that her husband and his wife were fine with the relationship. I know for a fact that his wife was very uncomfortable with the relationship. I'm sure the relationship never became physical and it finally blew apart about two years ago to my relief.<P>With in a year he again has a new female "training" partner. I know that he will not listen to me and his wife knows that life will be HEL* if she interferes. So I watch as he does it again. I just shake my head in disbelief. I feel frustrated and inpotent to help a friend becasue he doesn't think he needs help. I guess this explains why I am such a champion against opposite sex friendships. Can they stay just friends? Yes! Is it worth risking your marriage over? NO!<P>Mud

I rarely miss an opportunity to preach this mantra so this is a reprint from another thread I respnded to on this same subject.<P>I have five guidlines, with regard to opposite sex friendships, that I use to protect my marriage.<BR>1.) I am never intentionally alone with a member of the opposite sex.<BR>2.) If I find myself alone with a member of the opposite sex I remove myself from the situation as quickly as possible.<P>3.) I do not seek or encourage relationships with members of the opposite sex. This does not mean that I'm unfriendly. I just keep it light.<P>4.) I never talk a bout my spouse (excpet in glowing terms) with a member of the opposite sex. <P>5.) If I MUST meet alone with a member of the opposite sex for business purposes, we drive seperately, meet in a public place, I inform my spouse of the appointment before it takes place and I phone my spouse immediately after the meeting is over.<P>Do I do these things because my spouse asked me to? No! I do them because I recognize the dangers of opposite sex relationships and I value my marriage above anything thing this type of relationship could possibly offer me.<P>While it may be ok, it is also risky. Just because I think I can run across a six lane highway at rush hour doesn't mean I need to prove it. I would be risking something I value very highly for what? To prove a point? <P>Every relationship has its costs in emotional energy. Any emotional energy spent on this type of relationship short changes what you have left for your marriage relationship.<P>Some who have commented on this thread sound very self assured. They are confident that they can control the dangers that are intrinsic to this type of relationship. An old adage comes to mind here...."Pride goeth before a fall."<P>I came to realize a long time ago that there is no sin I am not capable of given the right set of circumstances. That is not because I am despicable or weak but because I am human and very fallible.<P>To ignore all the emotional devastation that these kinds of relationships have caused is either arrogance or folly.<P>

Absolutely people of the opposite sex can be just friends - as long as one of them is gay. *rolleyes*

Carolina Belle,<P>LOL! That is so true!!!<P>Mudder,<P>I really like your guidlines! They are very wise! I'll remember to use them.<P>It is very frustrating to watch her do this, because she is somewhat my friend. (We work in a small office together and have to see each other daily. I can't stand her at times, but I don't want her to mess up, either!) I can relate to what you said about your friend w/all the lady friends! I guess some people are just that way. But, I've already self-destructed once, I don't care to watch someone else do it! Especially when I tell her what I've experienced and she doesn't listen!!! Oh, well! I'll just worry about myself! I just can't help letting it irritate me sometimes!