it has been over a year since dday, and I still obsess over the discovery of W's affair! it's like a broken record playing over and over. is this normal? what can I do to curb those terrible thoughts and feelings? on top of all that W blames me for everything that happened! i feel so guilty for not being W's ideal romeo to add love units into her love bank.<P>i used to love life, enjoy an active lifestyle, sex, but now everything is not interesting anymore. yet W still demands, demands, demands, and i have no guts to tell W "hey, it's my turn to demand" which i'm not sure would work anyways.<P>

Hey, how long have you been here? I see you only have 1 post. <P>Have you called the Harleys to get therapy? (That is what I wish I had done, as well as finding this site earlier.) Are you in therapy or counseling anywer, with someone who believes in saving marriages, not in facilating divorces?<P>You sound like you may be depressed, not that I blame you. What's the rest of your story? Post on these boards, someone here can help you. And if you're just arriving and haven't read the old posts or lurked very much, do it. You can learn a lot.<P>BTW, is the affair ongoing? And have you read the Plan A stuff?<P>The obsessing is normal. I'm still doing it. Some days it hurts more than others.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited July 14, 2000).]

Welcome to MB Mr.Blue,<BR> You've pretty much said it yourself here in your first post.....your screen name,is Mr."BLUE",you have been unable to stop "obsessing" about "negative" thoughts,you realize this but can't seem to stop. It doesn't help that your wife is not owning up to her part in this.You feel "guilty" for not being her Romeo.You also say "everything is not interesting anymore".I'd venture to say your depressed and rightfully so. Have you and your wife and any counseling in the time since discovery? Many family doctors overlook the signs and symptoms of depression,and depression in men, doesn't always perfectly fit the typical more well known signs and symptoms we so often hear of.You are sounding like your giver is just about all given out.Meds can help tremendously with helping to get your thinking back in a more confident,positive mode.If you are frequently having negative thoughts that can make it difficult to have positive behaviors.It also robs you from really enjoying life,like you use to.<P>There's lots to learn from this site and many people with wise words here too.I'm sure they'll be along soon to offer you some helpful advise.I hope you give some consideration to the possibility I've suggested.My H was depressed for several years,and it led to his A, as his way to make himself feel better.He denied his depression until after the A when he tried a short course of meds that had such incredible effects that he realized he, in fact, had been depressed for a long time.You've listed several of the more common symptoms of depression in just a few short sentences. I hope you're feeling better soon. Your marriage is still intact and that should be something you should be able to enjoy.Good luck and God-bless.<p>[This message has been edited by mthrrhbard (edited July 14, 2000).]

yes we've been in counselling, and it's with a counsellor whose intent is to help us work things out, and she has given us some "tools" to do that (certain catch phrases to use, etc.) and yes, i have been diagnosed with depression and am currently on meds. what gets me is that i'm still the bad guy! how do i stop W from doing that all the time? how can i reason with rampant emotions?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mr blue:<BR><B>it has been over a year since dday, and I still obsess over the discovery of W's affair! it's like a broken record playing over and over.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The Harley's have an article about overcoming resentment in the wak of an affair. Here is the link. I hope this is of help to you: <P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html</A> <BR>