Sooo ... I haven't posted in a while. Figured, since the last few days have been horrible for various reasons, I would post an update here... aren't you all glad? <P>Although I had once decided to initiate legal separation and possibly divorce, I have decided against it at this point. Partly it is financial, and partly it is that I really haven't given up deep down inside.<P>Since I began really letting go, not initiating any contact with him and sometimes actually avoiding contact with him, my husband has settled into a new pattern of calling me for one "reason" or another once or twice a week. I am quite civil to him - even friendly. I don't ask him to do things with me and have tried to avoid asking him to do things for me - unfortunately, it is often difficult, if not impossible, to avoid that due to the fact that I cannot afford to do things like take the car to a mechanic ... and he has been willing, even eager, to do things for me.<P>Slug still finds it necessary to talk about me. I've heard all manner of things that she has said. She is openly hostile toward me if he is not around, even though I have NEVER done anything TO her. Of course, she is telling people now how she feels badly for me, and that she wishes we could be civil toward one another. Just typing that sentence makes me feel nauseous. It is obvious to me that she is going to continue to attempt to make me look like a horrible person, while she is the innocent one who just happened to "be there" for a married man. She also told someone that she is not planning on marrying him - she doesn't ever want to get married again (she was divorced when she met my husband - I think). Which is a good thing, because I don't believe that my husband is thinking about marrying her at all.<P>She has been happily telling everyone in the world how they are moving to Florida. I found out that she is also telling people that when they move there, my husband will be filing for divorce. Huh? Why wait until they move? It doesn't make any sense to me at all. He has not mentioned the word divorce to me.<P>As I said, he calls me regularly - at least once a week, often twice a week. After I had a flat tire after work a few months ago, and had to call him at work, he called several times to "see how the car is doing." Once he called and asked me how I was feeling - because the last time I had talked to him I had mentioned that I had been having a rough time with my allergies (hell, the man never asked me how I was feeling when he LIVED with me!). The last few times it has been about his drill, which I borrowed and he needed back. He decided that I should keep it at my place, because it was easier for him to get it from me when he needed it than it would be for me to get it from him. When I didn't come and pick it up (he had it at work) right away, that became his "reason" to call me: "Hey, when are you coming to pick up that drill?"<P>Tonight, however, was about the oddest call of all. He called me and said, "Hey, Taylor Dayne is playing at XXX." I almost stopped breathing for a moment, and decided to be very careful how I responded. I said, "Oh yeah? Are you going?" No, he had to work. I was very puzzled. I heard his boss talking in the background and asked him if she had told him to call me (his real boss at work, not the slug!). No, he had wanted me to know about it, in case I wanted to go. Tickets are only $30. I was very neutral and non-committal about the entire thing.<P>I still don't know quite how to view this call... You see, Taylor Dayne is quite significant in our lives - her song "I'll Always Love You" was the song HE chose to be "our" song at our wedding. I know he remembers this, because he remembers everything from our wedding - better than I do a lot of the time.<P>When I got off the phone with him I cried. There were reasons other than the actual call, of course - I am exhausted from work and because I haven't slept well recently (money problems - and I wound up with my electric turned off yesterday - that's a whole epic by itself). And the idea of him initiating divorce still has the power to make me feel like I've been kicked in the gut.<P>I am trying to tell myself that slug is just running off her mouth again, and that I cannot take anything she says as truth without verifying it. And I won't ask him about it, because I don't want her to have a clue that she's gotten to me.<P>It's a long time until April, when he says they are going to move. Even if he never comes back to me, I hope he wakes up to how much of a loser she really is.<P>Well, that's my update. What do you think?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Hi Terri,<BR> Hey, it sounds like he's still feeling quite connected to you.I hear so much on this board about OW running off their mouths.I think they do it to convince themselves that they actually "have" something more than just someone who wants sex with them.Too pitiful.I also think that sooner or later WS gets sick of the "mouth".<BR>I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't move anywhere with her.Can you hold out that long to see what he does?

Terri<P>I think your policy of not contacting him is a great idea for you. Hopefully he will wake up and see it is HIM that needs YOU in his life. His actions say this and now his mind has to clear up from the fog long enough to understand it. <P>You know darn well the Slug is trying to pull your chain with the moving to Fla song and dance. Don't let her get to you. She has always enjoyed saying things that she knows will get back to you and hurt you. What a piece of garbage she is. ::<P>One thing I'm not clear on is... Did your H tell you he was moving too, or did you just hear the Fla comment that slug made?<P>The concert phone call just further shows me he still cares for you and as long as he does there is hope.<P>The fat lady has not sung in your marriage yet, Terri. Hang in there as long as you can.<P>Hugs,<P>FC<P>

Hi Terri,<BR>Not much to comment...I just hate the slug, though.... .<P>From what you've said, it seems Frank still cares for you, about you and I can't imagine why he can't see the slug as she is?<P>Take care. Email me if you'd like.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

HI! I was wondering about you!!!!<P>Well, this is a change now, isn't it? The slug, well, I've decided she's PT's cousin, so don't put too much stock in what she says, ok? You wouldn't BELIEVE the stuff that PT has spit out over the last 12 months<BR>!!<P>I'm curious too. Does HE say he's moving or just her?<P>Good to hear from you, Terri, and that you're staying so strong.<P>Let us know....<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi Terri -<P>I am so glad that you posted an update!!<P>I think of you often and wonder how it's been going.....I am very glad that you have rediscovered that "deep down inside" feeling. I had hoped (on one hand) that that would be the case...<P>Even though I don't want to see you go through this crap anymore....I do believe that there is some love (and therefore....hope....) in your situation!!!!<P>I think that the change of "routine" with contacting him is a good one on your part. Keep it up!!! Be a good Plan A'er when he contacts you, but it be his decision to do so.<P>You are doing great!!!!<P>Big Hugs, <P>Sheba

About the moving to Florida thing: I asked him about it not long after I heard about it. He confirmed it, he wants to go to motorcycle repair and maintenance school, and the only reputable places are in Florida (one in Orlando and one in Daytona). He was the one who told me April or so... <P>This morning his boss called me. She had two free tickets to the concert, and he told her I like Taylor Dayne, so, since she couldn't use them, did I want them? I said yes, and a girlfriend of mine and I are going tomorrow night.<P>Tonight I stopped by the pizza place to pick up the tickets and we talked a bit about things such as gas prices and electric bills. I really don't have a clue where his head is, sometimes (well, I DO have a clue - up his ... ). When I told him I'd had trouble with the electric company and that I had some high bills, he said he was worried that his electric bill would be high this time. Then he said "I was thinking that you should move in there." Meaning that when he moves out I should move in to HIS apartment! I about choked, but told him I had no desire to live there. He really did say this! I know it sounds like a joke, but it was not. He was dead serious.<P>WHAT could he have been thinking? Does he really imagine that I would EVER want to live in the place where he moved to with the creature he left me for?! It makes me nauseous just thinking about it...<P>Thanks all for the replies ... life sure remains interesting.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Well, my friend Miya and I went to the concert tonight. It was ok - but Taylor Dayne is much better in the recording studio than she is live. I only cried a little bit while she sang "I'll Always Love You."<P>He told me to call him Sunday and let him know how it was, but I think I will wait and let him call me. If he really wants to know, he can be the one to initiate the conversation.<P>It was an evening of odd coincidences. We got ready to go and I couldn't find the tickets - they had fallen down into the sofa. I found them there, and we got everything together and were on our way. When we got to the place, I couldn't find one of the tickets. Since we had stopped for gas on the way, we decided to go back to the gas station to see if It had dropped out of the car (My friend only lives about 10 minutes from the resort where the concert was being held). No luck. Then we decided to try going back to her house to see if I had left it there. I looked around as we drove up, and then went inside. No luck. I was walking back out to the car, telling my friend that the ticket wasn't there when I saw it laying on the ground. I had specifically looked to see if it was in that area as we pulled up, so I think it is downright EERIE that it suddenly "appeared" there...<P>More as things occur...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Thanks for the update, terri... things seem to be pretty static, but you do what's right for you... even if he goes to Florida.<P>Can't imagine the mindset of him asking you to move into his place... or maybe I can... Insanity is as insanity does... :/<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

I haven't had time to address everyone who has responded individually, so, since I am sitting in front of the computer for a while, I will try to do that now.<P><B>mthrrhbard:</B> Thanks for writing! I think slug will keep herself glued to his side unless he sneaks out in the night. I have no doubt that he will eventually get sick of her - but how long that will take is anyone's guess, and I truly do not plan to "wait around" for it to happen. Since he continues to call, I agree that he still feels some kind of "connection" but apparently he is unable to recognize it at this point.<P><B>Fingers Crossed:</B> Perhaps someday he will wake up, but as I said above, I really don't intend to wait around - if I am still available and willing when the fog lifts completely, fine ... but I really cannot let my life stop until one or the other happens. My feelings for him haven't really changed - I still love him, at least I love the person he was and that I see peeking through every now and again... and I still would give our marriage a great chance for success - even after all of this - because we still have so much in common and still communicate incredibly well (well, about everything except us - that would need massive work on both our parts... I have the knowledge and the tools for that now, he would have to learn them). You say the fat lady hasn't sung yet in our marriage and that is true - but what if she just has laryngitis? <P><B>Lor:</B> He has never denied caring for/about me. If I confronted him today he would tell me he still cares deeply for me. There is something that slug offers him that he perceives I cannot. Maybe he is correct, but wouldn't it have been far more fair if he actually asked me about it - whatever "it" is? As I've posted in the past, I have my suspicions about what "it" is - and there is every possibility I cannot offer it. But he will be miserable with her, that I know. And don't forget that song "When a man loves a woman" - love or infatuation or fantasy - that explains why he cannot see her as others do. Either that, or he is willing to ignore it for what she offers him.<P><B>lostva:</B> Good to hear from you! Well, we know how classy some of these OW's can be - and they don't like to lose. I have no doubt that PT and slug belong to a pretty big family! How are you and your H doing? Well, I hope!<P><B>Sheba:</B> I have no doubt that there is some love left in his heart for me ... it shows itself every time he calls for a stupid reason. And the love I have for him will never go away ... I might have to put it away somewhere, like a treasure that must be kept safe, but it will always be there. It is an odd feeling to feel that love and yet know that my best move is simply forward. Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care anymore, it just means that you know you must, and begin to, move forward.<P>And last, but certainly NOT least <BR><B>WhoDat:</B> I have no doubt he will go to Florida. Perhaps that is the very best thing that could happen in the long run! When the two of them are there without her little support network of wonderful little buddies that run her around wherever and whenever she wants and when she must actually work for a living (he will be going to school - who do they think will be have to do most of the earning?) and they have no 'friends' to give her a job she 'likes' - then what? The real slug will be exposed in all her glistening, slimy glory ... and he will be stuck with her! Good for both of them, I think. Yes, my life is "static" at the moment for a variety of reasons - one of them is my marital situation, and one of them is my job situation... not resolved YET! And you are absolutely correct about the "insanity" ... as some of our fellow forum members have discovered, that insanity can go on for a very long time - even longer than Dr. Harley has indicated it generally does.<P>So what plan am I in? Not really Plan A so much anymore, but not Plan B, either... At this point, would the classic Plan B work? I don't know... I do know one thing, however, and that is that at the very least I need to be firm in my resolve to not initiate contact. I didn't call him yesterday as he wanted me to - in fact I spent the day out with my friend, and we helped each other be strong in our resolves (she is having some relationship problems at the moment too). We went to a Buddhist Temple complex that is near us and enjoyed the beautiful grounds and the unique and differentness (to us) of the eastern cultural traditions. And we went to see fireworks at a local resort.<P>And when I got home - Guess who I discovered had called according to my caller ID?<P>Wishing everyone in the US a safe and happy Independence Day! For the rest, I wish happiness and peace in your souls!<P>(thinking that my signature isn't quite accurate anymore ... need to think of something else!)<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

An addendum: stuff I wanted to say and forgot to include above!<P>The "job situation" - I think I posted here last August/September about applying for a transfer to a position for which I was fully qualified ... and they hired a 2.5 year veteran over me (that was sarcasm in case anyone didn't get it - at the time, I had been there 8 years and 9 months, and the other applicant had only been there for 2 years and 6 months). Because we have very specific language in our contract regarding transfer and hiring and seniority, I filed a grievance through our union. I am not a trouble maker - the situation was just plain WRONG, and since we have processes to challenge this kind of thing, for me NOT to do so would have been just as wrong. The person who made the hiring decision was fired the day after the institution received the notice of "Demand for Binding Arbitration" - we thought that it was likely they would approach us to solve the problem without arbitration, however some other administrative problems came up and they did not.<P>We had an arbitration hearing in mid-April - which was a rather grueling (for me, anyway) 6 hours. The decision was supposed to have been made by June 23, however, just before that deadline, the arbitrator contacted both parties and requested 30 more days to make her decision. Of course, we gracefully said, "Certainly." To do otherwise would likely have damaged our case, regardless of how objective these people are supposed to be.<P>So, I have been in limbo with my job for 10 months, going on 11 months. Even though this has not affected my current position, it has still been extremely stressful for me. I feel like I cannot plan my future until I know where this aspect of it might be going. Part of this is due to the fact that the title and job functions are geared to the direction I would like my career to go in the future, no matter where I am. To have this on my resume would make me far more marketable in the future if/when I move out of the area myself.<P>Hopefully, this part of my life will be resolved by the end of THIS month - a bad time for the office in which I work at the moment, but that must be my least concern. It is difficult for me to put myself first, as I view it as selfishness (something that poisoned my marriage on both of our parts), but I also view this as the best thing for the institution as a whole: 1) proof that the contract is clear and valid, and that the process WORKS; 2) putting personnel (me) into the positions where they can do the institution the most good and, as a result feel the most job satisfaction; 3) give the administration the message that, while we want to be cooperative and supportive, we will defend our rights as outlined and guaranteed in our employment contract (the "you can't kick us around anymore" message!).<P>Other "stuff": I have talked about my plans to move, possibly to SC, but that has been put on hold due to the job situation. I want to have this position on my resume when I attempt to find a job there. If I don't get the position, I will have to find another way of getting experience in this field. Currently, I am marketing my web design skills privately (anybody need a business website built? ), so that should help no matter what happens.<P>I realized yesterday that the entire county in which I live has haunting memories of my husband and my marriage. No matter what, I feel that I will eventually have to move elsewhere anyway. Everywhere I go, I see us - visiting friends and family, going for motorcycle rides, driving around looking at houses - just everyday life. And, it is painful.<P>Well, I think I have written enough books in this update thread ... I'll stop for now! <P>Thank you all for reading and for all of your warm thoughts and wishes and prayers. I don't always read here any longer - I feel that it too often keeps me "mired" in the pain of infidelity to read all the new stories, and I need to rise above that pain to continue my own life - to move forward. Apologies to all for my not posting to your threads, but I do think of you all quite often and always wish the best for all of us.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Hope everyone's July 4th was great! I did some housework and then went with friends to a very nice fireworks display. Had a great time, and didn't call my husband back, either! <P>I am procrastinating today ... I have some rather pressing financial issues to deal with (a check that is definitely going to bounce due to a mistake in my checkbook - and no more money available to cover it until NEXT week!) ... I really do have to get off of this computer and get to it!<P>Waiting to see what tonight might bring...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Couple of things... First:<P>If you are on anti-d's NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL TODAY, STAY ON THEM until you and your doctor/therapist work out a plan for going off of them. MAKE time to go to the pharmacy and refill them.<P>I have been having a horrible week emotionally - EVERYTHING makes me cry, and my temper is not good (I snapped at the 11 y/o child of a my friend's boyfriend because the kid made fun of the way I laughed. How mature must that have looked?).<P>Second, and most likely directly related to the first:<BR>I broke down and called my husband at work last night. I managed to make it seem that I had only called to find out what he had wanted on Sunday (even though I knew exactly what he had called about). We talked for a few minutes about the concert, and then I asked him about money... as I mentioned before, I am in some financial hot water, as I don't have enough money in my checking account to cover a check that went out (I didn't know it until AFTER the check went out). He said "Are you going to be home later?" I hemmed and hawed on that one, not knowing exactly how to respond (do I really want him here in the emotional state I'm in? And do I really want him to THINK I am just waiting for him to come over? Not really)... so I just said, "I don't know, why?" His response: "Well, I thought we could talk about it later on." I told him to call me first and he agreed.<P>Well, as has happened at least twice before, he never called, and as far as I know, never came by. Although, in a little panic about not wanting to deal with him actually coming over, I turned out all the lights in the apartment... I know that he would not even stop if he didn't see lights on, as he has told me before he would not, not wanting to bother me if I am sleeping. I heard motorcycles passing by several times, so he may have come around and not stopped, but I don't know and I'm not going to ask him.<P>I will NOT call him again ... I can get by on what I am going to go get out of my savings and another checking account until I get paid. I won't be able to spend ANY money until then, but I will be OK. LOL! People I know will feed me and take me in if need be - I have good friends! But I don't think that will be necessary - I have food in my freezer and the electric bill and phone bills are paid (most important for computer and internet access, of course). And I do get a paycheck next week.<P>Once again, I am rambling... so I will stop and get my behind (and the rest of me, of course) in gear to get to the bank and take care of my financial issues! AND I will GO TO THE PHARMACY to refill my Zoloft prescription! That, combined with the little bit of cleaning I did today will be some major accomplishments for me, and will make me feel GOOD! <P>Any thoughts about what is going on? Thanks for "listening"!<P>(Today my sig is only semi-applicable... )<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>AND I will GO TO THE PHARMACY to refill my Zoloft prescription!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a note to hang in there. The zoloft really helped me too. And I also ride motorcycles... My wife didn't come back for 5 months. Even then, she was still gone emotionally for another 6 months.<P>I started at 25mg/day, ended up at 100mg/day a month after D-Day before it started working. Have been at 50mg/day since D-Day #2.<P>Bama

Bama, Thanks for responding.<P>I think I got a little cocky, maybe, about feeling good - I've been on the Zoloft for about 20 months and thought that just MAYBE I had been on it long enough? 20 months is a long time, but I have read that with mild depression (I refer to it sometimes as "functional depression" - because it is not so obvious that it is depression as it is not so debilitating as you might imagine severe clinical depression might be) the treatment must often be continued for two years or more. I guess that must be me! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Well, life is full of dirty tricks, isn't it?<P>First, let me say that I DID refill my prescription and got back on my anti-d's... I am tired of crying every day about silly things!<P>Second, after the day I had, I think I might need more INPUT <P>Today, I went to get money out of my credit union savings account to put into my regular checking account. I discovered I would have enough to cover everything I needed, plus some for a cushion! Well, I HAD enough to cover everything ... until ...<P>On the way to the credit union, I inadvertently allowed the car to drift a bit to the right ... and the front wheel dropped off the pavement. Any other place on the road and it would have simply kicked up dust - but this was a 5 inch drop from pavement to shoulder. Just enough to break the bead and pop the tire from the rim!<P>I drove on the rim until I came to the entrance of a cemetary - maybe 1/10th of a mile down the road. Luckily, I had put air in the spare tire, and luckily I knew how to use the jack (and knew where it was) and luckily I found the lug wrench... And most of all, luckily I am no light weight - since the last time the lug nuts were tightened was with air tools at a garage! I literally had to hop on the lug wrench to loosen the nuts! Only about 25 cars went by without stopping to see if I might need help - including one local police car (this made me very angry). It is the very first time I have had trouble that no one stopped at least to ask if they could call someone for me. And it was broad daylight!<P>So, I changed the tire myself. The spare was inflated but needed air, and since it was likely leaking through the exposed steel belt (a tad worn, you say? YEP!) I decided I could no longer put off buying new tires for the front of the car (I had been planning to do so for over a month). I knew that the rim I had driven on may have been bent past repair, so I planned to have them mount the tire on the rim of the leaky spare.<P>So, from the cemetary where I changed the tire, I went to the credit union and got money. From there I went directly to our local WalMart Tire and Lube Express, where the least expensive service is available. Yes, I know all the bad things people have to say about WalMarts, but beggers can't be choosers - I needed, first and foremost, CHEAP. They told me a bit over $100 for two tires and to re-mount and balance the old front tire (which was actually rather new) and leave it in the trunk for a spare. I couldn't put it off anymore, so I said go ahead and do it. They said about an hour maybe more ... but it was done within a half hour.<P>Emotionally stressful enough ... but then this: <P>I called my husband again while the car was being worked on to see if he could give me some money. He said he was pretty strapped - had only $27 in the checking account, having just paid the rent, and then said he had other payments going out next payday ... the bike payment and ... that other payment...<P>Being that he seems always to be awfully financially strapped considering he has two incomes coming in to his household, I asked him point blank: What other payment?<P>Oh ... the condo - time share...<P>WELL ... I was very calm on the phone, but inside I was seething. "What time share? Oh? You bought a time share?" Yes, he said, he bought one that he gets to use every other year. "Oh, hm. I didn't know that. Well, any money you can help me out with would be appreciated." Was I going to be home later? I didn't know, actually ... he said he would call.<P>After I hung up the phone ... well, all I can say is that [sarcasm on] I blended in with some of WalMart's <B>finest</B> customers! [sarcasm off] I mumbled to myself: Here I haven't been able to pay the maintenance fees on the timeshare that I have (given to me by my mother) for the last two years, and I am faced with financial crises on a regular basis because of the fact that my income was halved when he left yet the only thing he was paying was the Discover Card bill - which was his, anyway - and he can't come up with $100 or even $50 to help me keep CHECKS from bouncing because he has to pay for his new timeshare that he bought when he and slug were on vacation last November!<P>To say the least, I was, for a time, livid. I certainly don't feel too much sympathy for his financial problems anymore. He makes more money than I do and has similar expenses, and now has purchased a time share while I will likely not be able to afford a vacation without a loan from my parents!<P>But I don't stay mad long, and even by the time I got back to our home town, I was calmer and not so angry. I stopped at the pizza place to talk to him and hopefully get something to eat - and ask him to pay for it. He reminded me that months ago I had gotten a calzone from there that had bad cheese and that I was owed a free one, so I asked him if he would make it for me then.<P>We talked for a while, and the subject of the electric bill came up again. How mine was sooo much. I also told him that I had talked with the electric company and found out that they had actually credited the payment that had been mailed on the same day they shut off the power, yet said they had not yet gotten it... and made me pay ANOTHER payment in order to have the power turned back on (I will be writing them about THAT and about how poorly I was treated by their phone representatives)... so that now they have TWO payments - both of which actually paid up my past due balance completely. And he said, "Sounds like what Discover did that to us once." I thought it was odd that he used the expression "us" because he NEVER talks of "we" and "us" when he talks about his life in the here and now with slug. Then he looked up at me and said, "Remember? That time we sent the payment and they didn't get it - so we sent a new payment and stopped payment on the first check? They cashed the new payment and then called us demanding to know why we had stopped payment on the other check?" And it became clear to me that he was talking about "US" me and him. He has done that several times lately ... and has almost always spoken of my car as "our" car and things like that ... Then he told me again that he was thinking I should move into the place that he was in or even his sister's other old apartment... After all, he told me, Audrey was trying to get someone good in there ... you remember Audrey? I told him no, I don't know anyone named Audrey. He said "yes, you know her - remember, from back when we first started going out?"<P>Ouch. That hurt. If we were still together, I could understand how casually he can talk of our past - but he talks as casually as a husband when he has made it clear that is not what he wants to be!!! Of course, I remembered Audrey after that ... he had brought her with him one night when he met me after work. She had the hots for him, and made every effort to insinuate herself into our just beginning relationship. "Oh," I said, "Is Audrey the one I made you walk back from the diner over?" My friend and I had driven them about 1-2 miles from the bar we had been hanging out at to a diner and when she had told my friend that he had INVITED her along, I got mad and we left them at the diner to walk back to his car. Afterward, he told me that she was lying - he had mentioned that he was going to the bar and she invited herself along. Never knowing how to say "no" very well, along came Audrey.<P>Anyhow, that little bit of nostalgia really wrecked me tonight. I don't know HOW he can so casually mention bits of our past like a currently faithful mate might do - it is like a knife in my heart when he does it...<P>I held myself together pretty well until his boss asked me if I was going to go to the local street festival on the weekend. I told her I didn't know as last year I hadn't had too much fun (check the read only posts from July 1999). He piped up "Oh, that was the night you had your little off road adventure, wasn't it?" I looked at him with what I really hope was a "baleful eye" and told him, "No, that was the night your friend followed me wherever I went... and also, my ride left me and XXX and XXX had to take me home." He didn't say a word.<P>Not long after that, I decided enough was enough and I left. I cried on the way home. I cried after I got home. I cried talking to a friend on the phone. I cried while IMing an online friend. I think I am all cried out ... for now.<P>I feel like I have regressed. I do think that being off the anti-deps is behind most of it, but if he had not called me about the stupid Taylor Dayne concert, I think I might have been able to hold together better.<P>Tonight I wrote a draft of a Plan B letter. I will wait at least a couple of weeks until the meds kick back in before I do anything with it. But then I will review it and see if that is how I still feel. I think it is, overall, a good letter - and even though there may be some LB's (disrespectful judgments - perhaps - but put quite politely IMNSHO) I don't think I really want to change it. After 21 months, I don't think that it is possible to write a completely LB free Plan B letter... We will see, however. I don't think I will post it here until I have allowed the requisite "sanity" to settle back in.<P>Thoughts? Ideas? Am I crazy? Is he crazy? Is everyone in the world crazy?<P>I am off to dreamland now. I hope that I will have a restful night sleep after the hellish day I had.<P>Somedays I hate being in love with my cheating husband...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Terri,<BR>It has been a long time since I have been on the forum and even longer since I have replied to one of your posts. But I hope you don't mind me adding my 2 cents.<P><B>What is your H up to?</B><P>Who knows. He could be having some second thoughts. He more than likely is getting tired of this slugs mouth. You know he must catch alot of crap from her and that only shows her own insecurities.<BR>I agree that you should not pay any attention to anything that you hear that she says. I can confirm that OW do say alot of things just to try and get under your skin and boost there own feeling of importance.<BR>The fact that he has been calling you more does make you wonder if some fog is starting to lift. But so what... he needs to show a lot more than that.<BR>I remember trying to analize everything trying to find some glimpse that something was still there. Sometimes there is and sometimes there isn't, its just to early to tell.<P><B>As far as the money thing...</B><BR>I got the impression that when you were together that you took care of the bills, am I right? If so, I would say that it is safe to assume that she does too and I am sure that he would have heard alot of you know what if he gave you anything. Try to look at it that way.<P>[b]The time share...[b/]<BR>Well, perhaps that was something else that kinda came about because of the OW's input. I find it strange you had one and now she does too. Is there a little of her that is trying to be you?<P>[b]My opinion...[b/]<BR>I think you should not send a letter to him. You guys have been apart now for a long time and I think that due to that fact, it could come across as some sort of pathetic emotional blackmail. I would say that just not calling him at all for anything, and not accepting his calls would be better. Make him wonder what has happened to you.<P>You have made great strides in making a new life for yourself. And I think that he is now beginning to see this and I think you should give him a good dose of it. <P>For some reason, I you H sounds like the type of man that likes to be needed. Could it be that it makes him feel important? And that when he doesn't feel needed he doesn't feel as important and that somehow makes him feel uneasy?<P>And finally because I know that this has been very long but are you sure that you would even want to take another chance on this man? It just seems to me that you are far to good for him. Are you sure that if that even came up in the realm of possibilities that you would really want it?<P>Just a thought... sometimes I think we get caught up in the quest or the fight for what we feel was ours and getting back what we feel has been stolen from us and maybe when it comes right down to it... we find that maybe we were better off without it. <P>I would just hate to see you get hurt again. I guess I would just find it hard to believe, trust and entrust my heart to him again after so long.<P>Hope I haven't offended you in anyway, I only have the best of intentions by proposing these ideas.<P>Genie29<P>

Genie - Thanks for responding.<P>Yes, when we were together, I took care of the bills, but he takes care of his own now. Slug does not. And, my husband always liked the idea of time share. I would bet anything that it is in his name only - slug doesn't have a very good credit history. EVERYTHING is in his name: electric, phone, etc.<P>I do NOT think it would come across as pathetic emotional blackmail. A letter will make it possible for me to quite unemotionally tell him that I cannot be his friend if I am not his wife, but I am willing to be his friend AND his wife. Even though I wrote it while extremely emotional, it is very calm and cool. I cannot simply disappear without explanation from his life - I want him to know exactly why I can no longer allow him to call. Additionally there are still things in my home which belong to him. I am giving him a time frame in which he must get his things and letting him know that if he leaves them after that, they are mine to dispose of, keep or sell as I please. I believe a letter is the best way to keep the issue impersonal and to allow me to be strong enough to actually do this.<P>No, he doesn't want to be needed. One of the reasons he left was because he said he felt smothered by my neediness - that I was too dependent on him. That is why I find it interesting how willing and eager he is to do things for me. Could be guilt, I suppose!<P>And I am NOT caught up in any kind of quest. I am way past that. I just know in my heart that we could have a wonderful marriage, even after all this time and after all that has happened. Sounds difficult to believe, but it has been done by others and is being done by some of our fellow forum members every day.<P>Plan B, don't forget, is designed to separate you from the hurt. And it keeps ME in control. When he moves to Florida, we will have no contact - but HE, then, has once again controlled our relationship. By moving into Plan B, I prepare myself for him to go away, I control what happens in our relationship - I sever the contact. It will be painful, but it is necessary, regardless of what I hope the outcome to be. Everyone wants the "happily ever after" ending - but it doesn't happen that way very often in real life. Plan B is withdrawal from spouse.<P>Thanks for your concern, but I think I am again on the right track...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

I have posted my first draft of a Plan B letter under a separate topic. Please post a response if you wish under the topic<BR>"Tentative Plan B letter: need comments" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003898.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003898.html</A> <P>Thanks...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Well ... a strange thing happened today...<P>I work in the registrar's office of a community college. Today, a woman came to the window - I will call her Mary. Now, I met Mary about ... 14 years ago, maybe a little less. She was the waitress at a pizza place where my husband worked. We were very friendly for a while, as she is a warm person - but then she got married and started a family and the last time I had seen her, she was separated from her husband because he was abusive. I hadn't seen Mary in about maybe 7-8 years.<P>She wanted to register for a class and while she filled out the form, we chatted a bit about life ... I told her that my husband and I were separated and told her just a tiny bit about slug. She said she was sorry to hear that. She asked me a question about the tuition that I couldn't answer, so I called the billing office - the window for that office is directly across from my window. While I was talking to them, GUESS who walked in?!! (Come on ... you can do better than that!)<P>I said to Mary, "speak of the devil - take a look behind you..." The billing office person laughed and then said "What does HE want?" And I said "Beats the s**t outta me!" That only made her laugh harder... meanwhile, Mary was talking to him...<P>So ... the reason he came? "Do I need an ID card or something to use that eye care plan you have?"<P>Just a little background: The eye care plan is just a little discount plan on glasses and contact lenses. It is only about 10% off, and he has gotten it there before - they know about it, it is on record and he has gotten it without an ID card before.<P>So ... Personally, I think he used it as an excuse ... maybe not consciously, but an excuse nonetheless.<P>But the coincidence is sooo weird... He hasn't been in to see me at my job since last fall, I think. A person from our joint past (history???) who neither of us has seen in YEARS shows up, and suddenly he is there, too! Very strange ... and kinda funny!<P>Gee, anti-depressants sure moderate your outlook on stuff... Last week, I probably would have broken down crying!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...