I know my H (WS) is in withdrawal (2 1/2 months since d-day) and I know I have to be patient, but I just can't help feeling so sad today... and as I think more, I'm getting more angry again...<P>We're going camping this weekend with 2 small kids and friends. He says he'll take the kids tomorrow to the camp ground, and I CAN stay home tomorrow and come a day later with the friend's wife.<BR> <BR>WHY? Isn't camping a family thing? He doesn't include me even in a family thing anymore? The friend's wife didn't like the idea either. Basically I get a message that he doesn't want to spend (any) time to have fun w/me. My feeling is so hurt, while I'm planAing to him as much as I could, I get rejected again and again.<P>It's been awhile since he refused to go out just 2 of us. He plays golf once a wk, and I mentioned very casually that maybe I could start playing golf. Then he goes "I don't like golfing that much". Then soon after that he makes an extra plan to play golf w/other people. Ok, you're avoiding me, I get it. Sorry to even mention that.<P>He's going tomorrow because he wants to play in a volleyball tournament on Sat, which is taking place close to the camping site. V-ball is the thing he got involved w/the OW in the first place. I don't think she'll be there but still it bothers me. I'm regreting that I told him he could play v-ball again when I was PlanAing hard.<P>Then I over heard him talking to his friend about another tournament in town, where we live. That one, she could be there. Or she has lots of friends who can tell her that my H is there, she can come right out. She's been calling him every 2 wks, I'm sure she'd come over to see him, pretending like just running into him.<P>So what am I supposed to do? Nothing? Or can I at least express my concerns? The tournament in town, I don't know if I should be there w/him to risk myself to meet her, or not go there at all and worry about him meeting her by accident, setting his withdrawal clock back to zero? <P>Or does he want to see her there? That'll be another story. I know what he's going to say, "I just want to play volley ball, that's all." His fun is so important to him. Doesn't care if he risks his marriage even at this point.<P>All right, we're going to Seattle w/kids to see check out cities next week, preparing for moving out there this fall. While we are planning to go forward like this, how come he risks this good movement over something like d*** v-ball? So inconciderate and self-centered. I cannot feel love for him sometimes.<P>He's in withdrawal, and has no intention to work w/me, even though he says he wants to work things out. He wants to, but he just doesn't do anything about it. I can't help thinking that he just wants this marriage work because he doesn't want to lose the kids. <P>I'm feeling like I'm his made. Making a warm and comfortable home for him so that he can get out and have fun, without me. He's not seeing the OW (I believe, anyway) so that's good enough and I should shut up about everything? God, who is this person I married to?<P>Sorry for babbling, I haven't felt this way for awhile but today I am. Thanks for letting me vent.<P>I'll appreciate for advice on "what to do about the tournament" though...

Hi There Alien,<P>Well I'd sure as heck go to the tournament with him. You guys are supposed to be doing things together at this point. Would it be a LB for you to go? <P>You know, the hard thing is that your H will not do anything to show you at this part that he's working on this. Yeah, he should be giving up stuff, and being more considerate, but I think that a lot of times BS think that they can just go back to normal life very quickly and forget about all the awful pain they caused.<P>Their guilt is insurmountable right now. I'm just now figuring that out about my H. Even seeing my face makes him realize what he has done. While they are dealing with guilt they are still icky I think. Wish I knew how to help the BS with that one. I mean, how many times can we forgive them before they get it?<P>My H also is very active, and very used to me not going along on his outings. I know if we are to ever be together this will be a biggie for us too. He is used to going out with his male buddies whenever he wants, and he loves it. I think, no I know, that he has more fun with them than with me, as they are all big drinkers and I just don't like the same kind of fun as he does. He, like your H has a lot of changing to do to make this work. Hey, at least your H is telling you he wants to work at it...that is a really good sign...something I pray for every day.<P>Ok, enough of my pity party. <P>One more quick point though. If my H offered to take the kids a day early, I think he'd be doing it for me to have a day off. He is wonderful that way, very considerate of me having a little time alone now and then. Could his motives be the same? If you really trusted H would a night at home alone be apprealing to you? Sure would be to me.<P>Just look at this from all sides, and yeah, go to the tournament. Be really fun, look great, ask all kinds of dumb questions, make him feel admired. V-ball is a tough game, make sure he knows that you think he's really something great for getting out there.<P>allison

As a WS, I think what your H is doing is wrong too. Why does he want to go camping a day early with the kids would be my first question? Is it because he has a day off from work and you CAN'T leave the day before? If that's the case, he should be willing to wait and go with you. Is it because the car is so packed with camping stuff (my H and I do that, the two of us barely fit, it's crazy)? Then get rid of some of the stuff. Is it because he thinks you need a day away from the kids, and he's trying to lighten your load? Then you need to explain to him that you want to go with him and the kids. Is it because he wants a day alone with the kids? Why? That's only half of his family? Maybe he feels guilty that doing the A he didn't get to spend enough time with the kids - well that's HIS fault, not yours. There will be other opportunities for him to make it up to his kids. YOU should be his first priority.<P>I would definitely go to the volleyball tournament (but, then again I play volleyabll and love going/playing in tournaments. Both my H and I play). Even if you don't play volleyball, you're showing that you support him by just showing up. When my H comes to watch me play, I love it. I'm just a big ol' ham. Deep down, your H may enjoy the attention - if nothing else.<P>The only time I didn't want my H to come and watch me, unfortunately, was during the A. I was secretly hoping to run into the OM. Just a thought, but I think your H is still "in the fog." It's been hard for me to focus on my H and what he's going through - cause I can get wrapped up in my own little puty party, but I think you're right that he needs to spend some time with you - he just may not be ready to give up "his fun" - Volleyball, golf, whatever may be the only things he enjoys right now - because - if he's good - it makes him feel worthy, can take out his aggressions, whatever he needs to do to feel good.<P>Volleyball, Golf, didn't cause the affair - he should still be able to do those things, but you're right I think he needs to get his priorities in order - or he may regret it.<P>I know breaking away from an affair and working on rebuilding a marriage can be tough and we all work at different paces. I don't think my H and I need to spend every waking moment together, but you are obviously not getting what you need to be happy. Go to the tournament - have a good time. Make him take responsibility for his actions and face up to you and his family. Good luck!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited July 14, 2000).]

Hey, Amy,<BR>I have been wondering how you are doing!!<BR>I am sorry for what you are going through - it is such a rollercoaster!!<BR>I am taking up golf - taking lessons. I would persist - it is a great way to spend time together. And, I would go to the v. tournament!!! As for camping, I would ask, as SKM recommended, why he wants you to wait. Tell him that you are not happy with that idea and want to be with your family - see what he says.<BR>I agree that he is in a thick fog - read my post "back from vac. ..." on JFO - my H is finally telling me some things - OW contacted him when we got back, and he even tried to see her, but I found out and was able to finally get him to talk - he says it is the most painful thing he has ever been through!! and he can only imagine my pain. I think they really are in pain - hard for us BS to imagine due to our own hurt, but they are. JL and Mike are right when they say H is struggling and to give it time...baby steps. Hang in - please let me know how it goes. I am thinking about you! A

Amy,<BR>Hope your weekend is going well - please let us know...<BR>A

Hi everybody,<BR>Thanks for all the help. Our fiends couldn't go on Fri so nobody went on that day. No problem...<P>We all went to v-ball on Sat, and guess who was there? It was a pretty big fair and there she was! Actually I couldn't recognize her among crowds but everybody else could. Then wives told me she came to see my H's game while I was gone for kid's nap, as soon as I showed up, she left. Sneaky huh?<P>But according to all of my friends, my H didn't even look at her. She came to say hi to one of guys. He said "what are you doing here" then she got mad and left.<P>I was pretty unhappy that day even without that incident. I was a little upset, tried not to show that to him. H didn't say anything.<P>On Sunday, while we were at camp site, he came up to me and said "sorry about yesterday. I was mad and feeling sick as soon as I saw her." Oh I felt much much better!<P>He did tell me that she was at circus we went last month, and I didn't know that either. He was supposed to tell me whenever he saw her even by accident (and I asked a couple times before and he said NO!) but I guess I can't complain about it now... <P>Anyway, it is a big progress for us. If HE does NOT want to see her, I can fight. Maybe he's getting sick of her. He said she was w/another guy, "boyfriend or something" at circus. So, even at the tournament in our town, I can be there to shooe her away.<P>Thanks again for your support when I really needed. You guys are so great!