i have visited several infidelity sites, and this one is frequently reccommended. i am currently separated from my husband of 22 years (he left in Jan.) after what i thought was a wonderful, fulfilling marriage together, he admitted to being involved with a woman he works with. he left our home and lives in an apartment(not with her). he claims he still loves me and often misses me. he had a health scare last year, was terrified he was going to die, but it turned out he was healthy. he says he started rethinking his life and happiness at that point. he also started a new job at the same time, was recommended for it by the woman he is now having affair with.she was going through a divorce at the time and leaned on him for support. they knew each other from a previous job. after much soul searching, i am unable to permanently terminate our marriage and he seems reluctant to do so also. we have been together for so many years and have three children. my dilemma is whether to continue "waiting it out" or make a decision to divorce. i lean towards waiting, yet it is so painful. last week was our 22nd anniversary and he brought me two dozen roses. this man is really confused or a very good actor. is it possible he will come to his senses and this affair will burn itself out?

Hi Sadwife,<P> You have definitely come to the right place. I found out my H of 20yrs. had an affair for 11/2yr. and we are now reconciled and in recovery for 1yr. There is something about being married in the 20yr. range. At any rate ,read everything on this website and get ahold of Surviving An Affair by Harley.....it was my bible and definitely helped me to save my marriage. <P>There is a very good chance this will work out for the best for you , don't give up if you have the slightest doubt....almost all affairs die . <P>I'm sure others will be around to welcome you, keep posting and we will all help you...again, welcome and sorry you have to be here! LU

hi Lu, <P>wow, that was quick! thanks for your reply. i am leaning towards "hanging in there" but some days i feel like giving up. my H's issues were my anger, my weight gain. he doesn't like to be reminded that he told me he'd love me no matter how much i weighed. we are talking about a forty pound gain, not a hundred. also he had a problem with alcohol and that's where alot of my anger came from. but i still loved him despite that issue. the woman he is involved with is divorced. she was going thru the divorce process and leaned on my H for lots of support (read pportunist). she is childless, never had to deal with the changes in body image that come with pregnancy and birthing children. she is 12 years younger than me. is he going thru what they call "classic midlife crisis"? it's pretty devastating to be thrown over for a woman with less mileage and more money and who comes in a prettier?(i am assuming. i've never seen her) package. i hope my husband sees the light before all is lost. his children have lost all respect for him. I have lost all respect for him. yet i miss him terribly and want him to come back and we will make things right between us. in the meantime i have horrible images in my head of them being intimate together and it breaks my heart.

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

hello hanora,<P>i have taken a quick tour of this site and read the Basic Concepts, but will check out the whole site more thoroughly. thank you for directing me to the General Welcome.<P>i would like to believe that my marriage is not over and we will get through this and be even better than before. i know it may not happen, but i am open to the possibility.<P>i am past the horrible days of discovery-that was several months ago. i am busy with my kids and working on a better and stronger "me". i will survive this, whether my husband decides to return or not.<P>thank you for your reply!

Hi Sadwife,<P>So sorry you're going through this mess, but so glad you found us!<P>Boy, our situations sound a lot alike. I've been married 19 years, 3 kids too. OW was childless, financially stable, divorced. Her intellegence was very attractive to my H. Also, I gained a lot of weight during our marriage, but have lost 45 lbs due to the "infidelilty diet" and am looking much better. Also, I've been walking which is a great stress reliever.<P>Anyway, enough about me. Yep, everything points to mid-life crisis. The good news-they do eventually get it together after MLC is over...the bad news, it takes time.<P>I so see so much hope in your post. If he did not care about you he would have not brought you the flowers. He is good and confused right now, and that is exactly where you want him as you start your Plan A. Please read SAA, by Harley. I read a lot here, but didn't really get "it" until I read SAA. So many here say it's helped them a bunch.<P>The other thing you'll see here is a horrible four letter word...time.<P>It's the hardest thing for me as I want to fix this mess NOW!!! But, that's not the way it works at all. I've seen a lot better results when I lay off of my H. We have a long way to go, but he is now coming home on weekends, asking me to do things with him, even gave me a kiss today. I don't call him unless I absolutley have to, but when I am with him I try to be kind and freindly to him. Lord knows he could use a good friend right now.<P>Let the OW be the b****. You be loving and understanding. OW will soon enough start showing her true colors. You be his safe haven, the place he wants to come back to. The calm in the storm.<P>Men in Midlife by Conway is a good book too. It made me more understanding of the male MLC. Hope I never go through the female equivalent to it, does not sound like much fun.<P>So, stick around, learn here, post as much as you want..and read, read, read.<P>allison<BR>

I too have been married for 20 years (we dated for 7 prior to marriage). My H and I have been together since being teenagers. He revealed to me last September that he had been having an affair for two years. I also think constantly about him being intimate with someone else. This is probably the most difficult situation we will ever face in our lifetimes (anyway I hope so). Reading and occasionally posting on this site has helped me. I know that there is hope for my situation. And you must not give up hope either. Right now I also feel that I have lost respect for my H, but I also feel that I can get that back eventually. Don't give up the faith!!

to az allison and stella,<P>today has been a real morale booster. don't know why i didn't check this site out sooner. in the early days of this ordeal, i found comfort and support from another infidelity website. i would have been lost without it and have made some wonderful e-mail friends as a result. i, too, went through the weight loss and horrible depression early on and hope never to relive those days again. now i am in that limbo where i don't know which way this will go. it helps to know he still loves me. i was directed to this site because i was told many of you who post here have also decided to take the risk and "wait it out" while an affair is still happening. this is the kind of support i need, the people i want to talk to. allison, your situation sounds so similar to mine! i'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us. thank you all so much for your welcome and your replies. i'm off to the Q&A section. and please feel free to e-mail me off the board anytime.

Welcome, Sadwife:<P>You've certainly found a place where belief in the restoration of marriage is rampant.<BR>But do you know why? Because there are people here who have succeed in restoring their marriage and many who are working on it.<P>And don't you feel better knowing that there is a chance that you can do something that might make a difference in the progress of this affair? A way to fight back, to stop wallowing in dispair, a positive step instead of always feeling you are losing ground. <P>If you're willing to try and follow the principles (at times against your own instincts), then MB may be able to help you. <P>It's really quite simple (to understand, not to do). Instead of doing what would be expected of the betrayed S, we do the opposite, we are accepting, understanding, loving, and patient (that last one is the one that usually does us in), providing a safe haven for WS until they are ready to come back. <P>Meanwhile we identify the most important emotional needs of our WS and work on satisfying those needs when we can.<P>All this takes place while the WS is off doing their thing in "fog" ville. If they're at home, you will have a better shot, but opportunity still exists even if they are living with OW (of course this is irritating to OW...that's the point).<P>Your story sounds like you may be one of the lucky ones whose H has a sense of what he might be losing. It is possible for anyone to have an affair according to Harley. He's made a mistake and probably in the near future he will realize that. <P>You sound like you're doing alright, but now it's time to take some positive action to start on the road to recovery. Give MB a try, and see what happens. <P>If haven't already, read over the MB principles, read some of the books recommended by members, and get some counseling if you haven't already and can afford it. This will give you a firm foundation for planning your approach to restoring your marriage (what we call Plan A).<P>I look forward to seeing your progress.<P>Buffy<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited July 15, 2000).]

Buffy,<P>your reply is very encouraging. i have gone up and down on the rollercoaster of hope. some days i have all but given up. i have read so many books on infidelity, i'm convinced the whole world is doing it. i will get Harley's book SAA, though. perhaps it will give me a different approach to dealing with my H. i love him despite his hurtful actions, but some days i can barely be civil to him or be friendly. i'd rather beat him to a bloody pulp, actually. but we had a close, wonderful relationship before this mess, and i want that again. it is so hard to be consistent in my behavior towards him when my emotions change every five minutes.......i can be laughing and warm one minute, and crying the next! crazy! thank you so much for your welcome and your encouraging words. i feel like i have found the place i need to be. also, i placed my email address in the e-mail thread, but if anyone's interested, it is morrison@rmi.net thanks again

Sadwife:<P>What you are feeling and the extremes in emotions are natural right now....don't worry about them. I know it just takes a moment for your mood to change from loving to murderous. <P>This does get better, however, when you become committed to a plan to restore the marriage. <P>In a good plan A you will take the emphasis off of your H and his affair and put it on you. This will help you to deal more effectively with your emotionaly highs and low. I know this sounds hard to believe but it is so. <P>I spent many fruitless hours trying to persuade my H of the error of his ways, screaming and crying (even beating on him)...all to no avail. It did not change a thing...nothing but his coming to his own conclusions will ever help. <P>Meanwhile, I don't rant about the OW (she's not important) or the affair, I just wait patiently while lovingly being his friend when he needs one. And when together I concentrate on EN and bettering our relationship.<P>Remember that this board is a great place to rant and rave so that you don't have to take it out on H. We'll be here whenever you need support.<P>Buffy <P><BR>