Well…I’ve returned from my retreat/counseling session in the mountains back east. I have been quickly reminded upon my return home that you can’t “always live on the mountaintop”. The week away was …in many ways, good for me. I was able to work through some issues in my own life that needed addressing.<P>But, while away…my wife had time for the hard reality of what has happened here at home to sink in. Her week was not as good.<P>The scriptures are quick to point out that sin is certainly two-sided. There is the ‘appeal & pleasure” side….and then there is the brutal, harsh, and painful ‘consequence’ side. I am now experiencing the latter part, or ‘other side’.<P>Saturday night was the night from hell. There were many painful questions…and honest answers. Even the very ‘uncomfortable’ ones came out. We drove around for several hours, late into the evening. Without me expressing the actual words….she was able to painfully recognize and conclude that I had “fallen in love” with another woman. To hear her voice that was a haunting experience. I made no attempts to argue, justify, explain….other than just simply answer her questions truthfully. No stone was left unturned by her. She discovered my purchase of phone cards…and such. She really had no clue to the depth of the EA involvement. I’m sure in the days and weeks ahead, she will begin to ‘see’ things and put some pieces together on her own. But last night was not a night I would care to re-live ever again. There was little sleep on both our parts. <P>While I have attempted to sound hopeful and optimistic that we can be healed and restored, at this point, she is expressing serious doubt as to whether that can happen. I’m sure she is speaking from the depths of a broken and devastated heart that is wracked with pain right now. But I also realize there are no guarantees in situations like this. This could very well cost me my marriage…family…everything. It will only be a miracle from God that salvages this marriage.<P>What makes this all so difficult is the fact that both of us are being swallowed up by a tidal wave of pain and torment. Granted, our source of pain is coming from two different places. But what benefit is there in two people arguing over who hurts more…be it a woman in labor or a man passing a kidney stone. Pain…is pain. And it makes it challenging to reach out to each other in this case. I have crushed her heart, hopes, dreams…her very being with my betrayal. There is no medicine to make her pain go away. I myself…am dying inside with my own suffering….of guilt, shame, anguish, fear, along with the hurt over the loss of a person who occupied a huge part of my life the past 10 months, someone who I became emotionally dependent upon. I’m not looking for any “ah, poor NoMas” here….just illustrating the hell we are both in right now.<P>So many decisions lie before us. It is simply…overwhelming. I know that we are operating in a ‘moment-by-moment’ status right now…and will be for the next few days. I am hoping I can get us both into some joint counseling within the next week or so. <P>I feel like a nuclear bomb has been detonated here….and the rush of fire and wind and nuclear particles are just eating the very flesh off of us right now. I know she will have no interest in coming here to the forum for support or help. I really don’t know how much I will be back. I feel very defeated right now…and find it impossible to even see beyond this day. I did feel I needed to come and give an update to the many who have listen to me drone on and on the last 5 months about the anguish of ‘sitting on the fence’. Well…I’m off now…and it is a long, downward spiral into a pit of darkness that I find myself plummeting through. I have yet to hit ground yet…and am not sure if I will even survive the fall. <P>I don’t mean to sound so dramatic…but then…in a way, I do. To those of you reading this, and possibly facing your own temptations and struggles….I too, was like you when I ventured into these discussions boards some time ago. I heard similar warnings…devastated cries from broken hearts pleading with me to turn and go the other way. I was unable to ‘find the brakes’, or simply, got to close to the edge. YOU….DON’T….want to come here.<P>I will sign off for now…not sure when I will be back…just…trying to find the light of God’s mercy and grace right now…in this jungle of demonic darkness. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoMas (edited July 16, 2000).]

NoMas,<BR>Replying quickly just in case you are still there.<P>Your days, weeks and months ahead will be difficult at best and horrible at worst.<P>Try not to make any hasty permanent solultions to a temporary problem.<P>Your wife might try to push you to test your commitment to the marriage by telling you she wants a Divorce. I can't speak for your wife, of course, but no matter what she says or does, she is crying out in pain and she in an effort to be comforted and in an effort to find your strength.<P>Pray for the strength you need and the resolve and for the wisdom. You not may not find it within yourself, but you can draw it from God.<P>Don't be concerned about what your wife should be thinking, feeling or doing.<P>Concern yourself only with what you should be saying, doing and working towards feeling. She will toss on a wild sea of emotions right now.<P>Just try to hold on, right now.

NoMas, <P>You WILL get through this. Whether you and your W stay together or not, you will survive. I know the pain your in, and I can't tell you it will cease quickly, because it won't. <P>I just wish you the best in working this out. I guess right now the ball is in your wife's court. It's up to her to decide whether your marriage can survive this or not. But you can help her w/that decision (I hope). Keep talking, even when it seems your talking in circles. Life will get better, it just may take some time.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you and your W. I hope this horrible time passes quickly. Look to God to strengthen you both.<BR>Good luck.

NoMas,<BR>You talk as a believer, one of the things I've experienced first as a BS, is that God didn't let the resumption of my H's affair go unknown by me. The dark was exposed to light. Then when I sought another man, cripes, I couldn't get by with ANYTHING without my H knowing, or if not my H, my prayer partner.<P>God wants all this darkness rooted out of your lives.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

It has now been 24 hours since the unleashing of all the uncomfortable details that she demanded to know. I am still walking.<P>She had to go with our firstborn to an orientation for college today...will be back Tuesday. Not sure if the seperation is good or bad. She called a short time ago...and I purposed to reassure her that we can get through this. She seemed comforted by that. I have put her through hell. Now I must march down in there and help rescue her as well. But this evening, after the call, there is a bit of hope in her voice...and I sense she needs reassuring that I will stay and 'fight' for this marriage. I cannot let her down anymore. I am in this for the long haul.

AND FIGHT YOU MUST!!!!!!<P>Even when you don't feel like fighting.<P>Even when you are being attacked.<P>Even when it seems hopeless.<P>Remember, from this point on, you are not responsible for the outcome, but you are responsible and accountable for everything you put into your marriage and your recovery.<P>Don't let your wife down, don't let your vows down and don't let yourself down.<P>You can do this...and your efforts will be blessed!

Nomas:<P>As I have blasted you in the past for you weakness I now extoll you for your strength.<P>To stay with your wife and face the pain you have inflicted on her even as you endure your own pain, is going to be difficult.<P>But you know, sometimes things need to go through fire to be really strengtened, to be honed in the flames like a fine metal. <P>Free from distractions and clear in the understanding that unless something is done this marriage may not survive, perhaps you and your wife can lean on each other while you learn to how to build a new, better, stronger marriage. <P>I applaud you because like so many you have not given in to the temptation and run off to leave your wife to deal with her pain alone. Surely she will see this as well and stay to work out the marriage.<P>Our prayer will be with you in the days to come. Please come back and let us know how things are going.<P>Buffy<BR>

Idle time...is not good for the mind or soul.<P>I am in to day 2...wife gone until late Tuesday. Just...walking around in a daze. Emotional waves...much like the size in the latest movie "Perfect Storm"...wash over me. <P>The weariness and fatigue...is draining. It is frustrating...as a man...to feel this anxiousness to 'be doing something'...and not able to do a thing right now. <P>***sigh****

NoMas,<BR> I must say, you have come an incredibly long way.I,like your other "board mates" are very proud of you.I know it doesn't seem like it now,but you just watch the Lord use this for His glory! In time you will be overwhelmed at His goodness.<P>You say you feel anxious waiting for your W's return and you need something to do.Well you might prepare a special small surprise for your wife,something small but significant that would demopnstrate to her how true your intentions in fixing this marriage are. I am sure it would do much to help her cope and restore all that she has lost.A letter maybe,or some flowers and a special meal you have prepared might go along way in reassuring her in some way.It's all the little things the WS says and does that help us betrayeds feel better.Constant but continuing small tokens of love and reassurance work wonders in healing a broken heart. <P>God's blessings to you and your wife, NoMas.Let us know how you are doing and how we may help!

NoMas,<P>To cope with passing the time until your wife's return, how about finding something that needs doing around the house and doing it? There is ALWAYS SOMETHING that needs to be done.<P>WAsh the floors.<BR>Wash the windows.<BR>Clean the bathroom.<BR>Dust and vaccuum.<BR>Fix that squeaky door hinge. (Doesn't every house have one?)<BR>Go for a brisk walk.<P>mthrrhbard had a good suggestion about planning a special surprise for your wife.<P>If you look around, I'm sure you'll be able to find something to keep you busy. And your wife will appreciate the effort you put into it when you she gets back.<P>

I think we are all experiencing those emotional waves, or remember them.<P>NoMas, I know YOU never gave birth, but I'm sure you were there for your bundles of joy.<P>Try thinking of those waves like labor pain. Breath, pray, recite favorite bible verses, sing a favorite hymn or song, whatever.<P>Don't let yourself get swept away. Use this time for mental exercise WHILE you are making your house squeaky clean and squeakless AND planning a special surprise for your wife. (Even Hamburger Helper looks romantic by candle light)

Good luck

NoMas<P>I found a computer way over here in Argentina and am checking in...<P>It is painful, extremely painful. No argument here. But I clearly remember your concern that she would just want to go about her life, and not care. Her pain is truly a sign of how important you are to her.<P>My h told me recently he did not believe I cared, I was angry so much of the time. He thought I would be "pissed" if I found out about his two PAs. It hurt to hear that, that he knew me so little...<P>What you said about not giving up is the strength you can offer. That was the best thing my h did.<P>You are right, there are no guarantees, but you survive the pain, and then start rebuilding. It would have been much more difficult (would we have made it this far?)for us without Jennifer Harleys help.<P>From my own experience, I can only say, go through the pain together. Get away just the two of you as often as you can. For me, the pain was much more unbearable when we were apart.<P>You have taken a very difficult step, and maybe cannot see the light at the end now, but there is a light, NoMas.