My wife told me the other day that she felt like the best thing right now for her would be for us to seperate for a while. I just found out about EA/PA about two months ago. She has made good strides to end everything and now everyone is beginning to know. Even the OM wife found out recently. W says that she needs time to sort through her feelings and work on us. She said she needs to find God again first and foremost and then herself. <P>She told me that this time was for her. I know she's staying by herself and the only time she says she will see OM is to just offer support through this ordeal with his wife because we are already going through it. <P>I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I feel pretty good about this. Is seperation good? I feel like she is going to do the right thing (and reconcile with me for good) and I feel like she is going to try and get here life (and spiritual life) back in order for us. Is that okay to feel that way? But, it is so hard because I hate being away from her right now. She is my life. She is the only one I love more than anything in the world. But in a recent note she left for me she told me she does love me, but that love has changed. That hurts so bad. Knowing I did some things (even though she's the one who had the EA/PA) that caused her love for me to change. What can I do to give her that love back? Is there anything I can do to make this seperation last as brief as possible so we can begin to work on us. Can we work on us while we're apart?<P>Need advice?<BR>God bless<P>CBI

My H started top miss me afew weeks after he left. However, separation can lead to much more time spent with the OP. My H denied there being an OW the entire time and he was basically living with her! So you can't trust that you W will only see the OM on this occasion or that. She shouldn't be seing him at all. My H did miss me, but it also gave him the time to do whatever he pleased. He kept waffling back and forth. he only totally recommitted when I told him he had to make a choice. No contact until he made that choice. So separation can go both ways. It did work out for us but from what I've seen "time alone" tends to turn out to be OP time.

With 7 separations under my belt and my H saying there either WASN't an OW or that he needed time and space and wouldn't be seeing her either. <P>If she's seeing him, even for "support", she's seeing him. That's contact and with contact, ending an affair is much more difficult and much more likely to "spark".<P>The good news is that you can Plan A all the way through a separation and if you want your marriage, you should. However, if she is serious about wanting the marriage, separation really isn't the way to go, but you can't make her stay, either.<P>You are in a tough place. There is a lot of support here. Read everything on the MB site.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

CBI,<P>Have you read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair?" If not, I highly recommend that you run out and buy this book ASAP. Your wife is sending you a message. And the message that Harley proports she is sending is that the affair is not over, and in fact, that she is going to great lengths to make sure that it continues. This might not be the case, however, in SAA, he states that most of the time when he hears someone say they need time to think things through, that is an indicator that the cheating spouse is beginning a "second life" which will further cut you out of the loop.<P>Harley has excellent methods, Plan A and Plan B, to address your situation. One plan addresses severing communication with the betraying spouse, until/unless the betraying spouse agrees to follow the recommendations discussed in SAA. You need to read this book, CBI - read it before you make any decision with respect to separation. My thoughts are that it is a very bad idea, especially at this juncture. <P>belld

Okay, now everyone has me scared about this seperation. W says that she needs this time for herself in order for us to work. She is staying with a friend and I know where she will be. She says her only two options left are to reconcile with me and us be happier than we ever thought or for her to be alone the rest of her life. She knows she cannot go and be with OM. She is starting classes this fall and also working alot. So, she is going to stay busy and just seperate. She said, "you know I need to miss you. I need to know what a wonderful husband I do have and miss you like I've never missed you before." I really feel confident and have faith in my prayers to God, that she will. <P>She is going to be staying about 30 minutes from me and OM. A good friend of hers (who went through this very thing) has told her that it is a fantasy world. She needs to seperate from OM. He told her that she cannot work on two with three in the picture. I feel like she will do this. <P>Am I being naive? <P>God bless,<BR>CBI

Hi CBI,<BR> Hey, go on over to the recovery forum and look for a recent post titled "the duration of your separation" or something close to that. There are some recent posts there from some of us who have been separated. My situation was much like yours and it ended up being a very helpful thing to separate for awhile. It does not have to be a bad thing. Hang in there.