I recently read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair," and think that he has marvelous advice for both spouses. I was fortunate enough to speak with him on the phone on his radio show, and he sent two copies of the book, one for me and one for my husband. His plan for the cheater to sever contact with the OP is right on the mark. However, I doubt that my H (the cheater in this case) will do it. He met her through a group of close friends. Apparently, the OW was a good friend of some of his very close male buddies, and they all hung around together at happy hours, bars, clubs, etc. If my H agrees to sever ties with the OW (and I hope he will), obviously this will affect his ability to see the friends who know her. He and his male friends have known each other much longer than he has known the OW. And even though I personally think that this group of "friends" are a bunch of amoral pigs, my H thinks the moon rises on them. What do I do? What is he expected to tell his friends about the "no contact" with the OW, when they will only laugh in his face and probably tell him that he's being "controlled" by me, he wife? I know that they don't like me, and in fact, they enabled the affair and knew about it. One of the friends rubbed it in my face. <P>I really need help with this one. I don't think that my H is going to tell his friends about the "no contact," even if he does agree to follow Dr. Harley's plan. How should I address this issue? Thanks!

Well, I could spout on about the fact that he should give up friends like that, but I know I would be preaching to the choir on that subject.<P>My H is still in contact with OW. They work together & he loves his job. Of course if all this came out I am sure he would loose the job, but that is another subject. I have asked that if they must talk during day that he tell me about it. If they are in meetings, etc. That way I don't feel like he is being dishonest about contact. Maybe your H would agree to something along that line. If she is around no real communication between them. But he should tell you "she was there tonight" when he runs into her. <P>This falls real close in with rule of protection and how much he is willing to do to keep you from feeling stomped on. It would be nice if he came to see these "friends" as the lowlife they sound like. But sometimes getting to that point is awhile coming. Hang in there...<P>Carolyn

My H hasn't yet agreed to no contact, but he is considering it. He wants to "do the right thing", but doesn't know if he is strong enough. He feels he would have to quit his job (OW is tenured faculty in same department as my H), and he feels we would have to move (we live in Dallas-Fort Worth area, which seems plenty big to me). He says if he didn't put great distance between them, he would eventually take up with OW again. I showed him Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair, and this just reinforced this idea in his head. <P>So my question is: can I propose any plan other than such drastic measures that would work? <P>mcmpl

Today was my last day on the job...I resigned. I worked with the OM. I tried everything. I tried NO CONTACT. I tried just being friends...this is what he wanted. He wanted to end the affair and physical contact, yet he was happy with me in his life in any way possible.<P>Well, for me it did not work. It brought about constant pain. Yes, I loved my job too. And it was very painful to have to give it up. But, I didn't think I would progress in my marriage as long as it continued this way.<P>BUT, after a year of trying, I realized that seeing him or even just his vehicle in the parking lot kept it FRESH and PAINFUL. I think this is the only way to heal fully.

you are going to have to stand your ground on this one! there has to be no contact. i'm not saying that you have to force it down his throat, but you have to let him know that you know in your heart it's the only way ya'll can work things out. in my situation, it was difficult because they worked together. but come to find out 3 months after discovery, they were still having an affair! but my h finally realized that everything i was saying about the affair being an addiction, just a fantasy and not real, and that it would never work between them, was all true. he was in a "fog" and finally came out. his eyes were finally opened. it was very difficult for me, but now that his eyes have been opened, he's agreeing w/me about no contact w/ow and going to therapy and doing whatever it takes to make things work. he sees now that he really wants to be w/me and that what he did was a huge mistake. so my advice to you is that if he wants to make it work, he's going to have to reprioritize! you should always come before his friends, and he shouldn't associate w/them anyway since they knew about it and probably encouraged the affair. he's proven he cannot be trusted, so he has no business going to a bar drinking with his buddies. if he wants to go out drinking, it better be with you or not at all!!

oh yeah, just to let you know, it seemed impossible for my h and ow to have no contact because they worked together. however, after finding out the affair had continued even since discovery, my h wanted to show me that he truly was committed this time to making our marriage work. upon first discovery, he was still very uncooperative as far as trying to make things work. but to show me he really was telling the truth this time, he went so far as to speak to ow's boss about what was going on so that she could be transferred to another location so he would never have to see her again. this was something he refused to do the first time. the ow was his manager, so he basically threatened sexual harrassment if they didn't transfer her. so not only did she get transferred, but she still may lose her job over this and it definitely made her realize he doesn't love her at all and that he does love me hang in there and keep posting!!

Thanks to all who responded. My H and I spent a very nice, relaxing weekend together. On Saturday, one of his friends who knew about the affair and who is, in fact, a friend of the OW's called to invite him to go to the lake with him and some other "friends." My H turned him down. I wanted to ask, "Would _____ (OW's name) have been there?" but I didn't. I'm not sure if it's even my place to ask. I know this sounds lame, but I don't want to push it. Unless he told the friend, "Yes, I'll go," I see no reason to rock the boat. But it still bothers me, because I wonder, "Did this friend have it in mind to try to get the two of them together?" I'm happy that my H declined, of course. But he is very influenced by his friends, and I am afraid that he will eventually fold and give into their wishes. <P>belld

He may.<P>No contact is best. Not possible in our case....PT and Robert work together.<P>PT's an annoyance for us, not a threat anymore. It CAN work.<P>I'd feel much differently, I think, if it was social contact. In fact, I do believe I might just accompany him on these outings. He shouldn't object to THAT, after all, there is at least one other woman present! This'll take some class and strength on YOUR part, but would be pretty cool, I think.<P>I have a feeling as the two of you get stronger, he may very well wean himself...if it's HIS decision (you know how our spouses can be!). I knew that everything had to be Robert's decision (yes, he felt they should be good friends, he should be able to give her some help if she needed it - AAUUGGHHH) I asked him only to tell me when they talked and include me in plans. It died. He did tell me, she got annoyed, she lb'd, the friendship idea died a nasty death.<P>No contact is best....but if not possible, contact does not necessarily mean that there will be too much trouble. Trust me, NO ONE could try more tricks than our PT!! <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

bell,<BR>hello? why would your h even consider going to the lake without you? sorry, but i wouldn't even consider letting him be around these "friends." is he married to you or his friends? it's great that he chose not to go, but i would ask him if the ow was going to be there - you have every right to know. you can do this without LBing. try to keep your comments positive - praise him for his decision. it sounds to me like you & your h need to take the harley's advice of spending most of your leisure time together (it seems like he spends more time w/his "friends." do you have kids? if you do, get a babysitter and you and h go out often!! sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh, it just seems like he controls you. you deserve to be happy

No kids, which means that finding a sitter is not an issue. There are complexities in my marriage which make it impossible for us to spend all of our leisure time together - my H is currently awaiting trial, and his attorney has advised him not to live with me until his legal matters are resolved. I have told his attorney that this is possibly the very worst thing that could have happened to our marriage; his attorney doesn't know the full story about H's involvement w/ OW, however, I'm sure he's heard the rumors, as has everyone in my H's profession. It's pretty common knowledge that my H was living with and sleeping with another woman, and that caused him to loose his last job (he is unemployed now) - he is an attorney, which means that he has to have some semblance of respectability in the community. I personally think that we should be spending more leisure time together. I personally think that it was a big mistake that his attorney advised him to live away. This happened at a very crucial time, when H was still very much involved with the OW. Every counselor I've spoken with has said, "Bad idea for the two of you to be living apart." Particularly since he is living with friends who are friends with the OW. I doubt that she will give up that easily. <P>I'm at a loss. I might try speaking with his attorney and seeing if he (attorney) might recommend that H move back in with me. I think that would be the prudent move, under these conditions. My H says that he has terminated contact w/ the OW, and I do believe him. However, I do not trust her, nor do I trust his friends, to try to get them back to the "involved" level, if you know what I mean. This whole situation seems beyond my control, to be honest.<P>belld