hello to all - I had the first real conversation with my husband last evening since he returned home in mid June. I had come home briefly from doing an errand he was on the phone and when he saw me pull into the driveway he quick hung it up and acted like he wasn't on the phone. When I asked him who he was on the phone with it was to where OW worked but it was a work related question and he didn't want me toget upset(!) However then we started talking and he said I made him uncomfortable when he was talking to his sister or brother on the phone (40 min. each night about their hospitalized mother) because he felt like I was eavesdropping. I said I was just trying to spend some time with him even if he was on the phone because our time together is so limited. We then started talking. I said I was afraid to talk like this because everytime we had one of these deep discussions in the past he would end up leaving for some "space". We talked about how we need to communicate better. I need to feel like I can ask him questions about the OW and her upcoming preg.) and then I won't feel so paranoid and we agreed he needs to be more upfront with me - like feeling I was breathing down his neck while he was on the phone - resenting it and not saying anything. <BR> What has me so upset was he really said he's trying but he doesn't know if we're going to make it. He doesn't know if he can regain those feelings for me. It has nothing to do with OW (so he says) he feeds responsible for her and will be supportive of the preg. but is not romantically involved with her. But his indecision is a MAJOR love buster for ME. Here I am forgiving and he is still trying to decide (while he is living here ) if we can make a go of it. I feel very distraught and upset. He always had a high sex drive and when I asked him why it seems like he doesn't want to make love he said it's because his indecision makes him feel awkward. I am getting close to the end of my rope. How can I continue to not lovebust when I have apologized for my part in everything, am doing my best to repair things and he is still unsure of what he wants. Doesn't he realize he is slowly killing my love for him? I thought we were making great progress. Maybe we are I don't know but this indecision part is terrible. I know all the advice - be pateint be consistent, don't lovebust but right now my feelings are very hurt and I feel like sh**t. Where do I go from here?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by quakermom321 (edited July 17, 2000).]

Hang in there, I know how tough it is. Keep Plan A'ing. Your H is obviously not ready to really be there for you. Sometimes it takes a long time. Plan A is really, really tough and I think the majority of people in the world can't handle it for very long. Most of my friends think I'm a saint for how I handled my H and say there is no way they could have done it. There were so may times I felt progress and then so many times it was like beating my head against a wall. I heard those same things too "I'm not sure if the feelings can come back, not sure what I want, not sure couples can really make it after somethoing like this" etc etc. Almost a year and a half later I have a man who tells me every day I'm the love of his life and he couldn't live without me. Keep up plan A as long as you can. In the end I did switch to Plan B but it only lasted afew days before he was begging to come home. You'll know how long you can take it. It is possible for it to work out.

Fairydust - if you don't mind me asking how long were you in Plan A? Was you husband living at home at the time ? And what made you decide to go to Plab B? Thanks<BR> Kris

About 2 weeks after H started his affair he told me he wanted a divorce. For about the next 3 weeks he came and went from the house. Staying with friends LOL. He denied the affair. I didn't find out for sure until after he ended it and we were back together. Anyway, right from the beginning of the affair I knew something was wrong. Major behavior changes immediately. He was really racked with guilt, he was not raised that way and things like affairs and divorce are not acceptable to his family. I am a reader so I rushed out to the bookstore and loaded up on John Gray and some Christion marriage books (on the advice of a friend). I didn't realize I was following Plan A for a long time, it was an almost identical plan from a christian book. He moved out. After about a month (in which time he was a total a----le to me, very mean and cold) he started to miss me. I had been Plan Aing the whole time though. At first it made him mad, said I was "pretending" to be nice to him. Then it started working. Altogether it was almost 6 months I think, from beginning to end. It was ups and downs. He had moved back into the house several times, for afew days at a time. then would say "I'm not sure what I want" etc. etc and leave again. I told him it was like he had an evil twin and I never knew who I would encounter. Finally I just couldnt' take it anymore. I told him how much I loved him, how much I wanted it to work, the door was always open but it wasn't going to revolve anymore. I wanted no more contact until he had decided for sure. Then I made him leave. For the next few days I screened his calls. Finally I answered, he wanted to come home. He was home for good within the week, total attitude change. I just knew in my heart it was time to take that step, as hard as it was. I think you'll know too.

Fairydust - the difference in our situations I guess is my husband has returned home June 19 (he had left 4 times from April till then) and said he loves me and wants to TRY. Apparently TRY to him means he is still not sure what he really want and how he really feels. He gives me conflicting signals all the time. He also did the revolving door thing but came back June 19 and said I love you and I want to try to make things work. What does that mean? He is here, we get along well - no love busters but litle or no affection from him on his part. Lots of it from me. I realize lately it makes him a little uncomfortable. I can't get over the feeling that it is just a matter of time before he leaves again. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need affection and some validation. Sometimes I feel he knows that and is unconscoiusly still punishing me for the anger and resentment that led to the affair,. He says the affair was nothing! It is his dissatisfaction with the marriage that is the problem. I say if I am working on changing my behavior couldn't he? He is still so caught up in his own drama. He doesn't realize he is slowly killing my feelings for him. I am really getting sick of being the giver and him just sitting on the fence. However this may be a bad case of PMS talking but I really feel like why am I the one bending over backwards and he had the affair!!!!!

Like I said before I think your H has just not reached the point of being ready yet. While we were in the revoloving door phase that is when he kept saying "I want to try". When he came home the last time it wasn't about "trying" he was just ready to be together. He was affectionate right from the start and not distant. the other times he came home I felt that "other shoe dropping" feeling, like he might bolt at any minute and he did. When he came home for good that feeling wasn't there. All you can do is keep doing what you're doing, until it becomes too much for you. Only that and time will tell.