Over the past 6 months or so, as I have frequented this site more and more, I have at times questioned the wisdom in using this place to ‘vent’ or ‘share my heart’ as freely as I have. The one particular hesitation I have had was the possibility of causing added stress and pain to the already broken hearts of the betrayed that also frequent this place. <P>As a ‘betrayer’, I have shared the struggles from the ‘other side’. I did not do that to garnish sympathy, nor did I ever seek to justify my actions. I simply had no other place to go. I have often felt like these boards were my “AA” meetings. <P>I suppose some would view my coming here and sharing ...similar to that of a convicted child molester coming to a meeting of child-abuse victims and seeking support and compassion. I guess I can see that perspective. <P>I have had a variety of responses here from both betrayed and betrayers. Many have expressed support and encouragement. In some rare cases, some ‘betrayed’ have even expressed appreciation in my posts as it helped them to better understand their own WS who seemed to be struggling in a similar fashion.<P>I guess the reason I continue to come here is I believe the overall purpose of these forums is for all parties to find help, support, encouragement, and even...understanding. I know there are some who ‘lash out’ at me at times, or ‘flame’ me as the phrase goes, and I usually dismiss that as them expressing themselves from their own hurt and anger of being betrayed. And I understand that. And it is to them particularly, that I want to extend an apology. I know what I represent to you. And your pain and anger is well justified. You are right...I have no comprehension of the degree of anguish that you are experiencing. In fact, it is often through the expression of that pain and hurt that I read of so often here, that has helped me ‘come out of my fog’. And for that, I thank you.<P>I believe a key element in the healing and restoration of my marriage, is being able to move past my own pain, regardless of the source, and seeing the pain of others around me that I have helped cause. Pain has a way of making us withdrawal to ourselves as a protection device. It is a pretty normal reflex for us humans. <P> A marriage involves two people. The inability to communicate effectively is usually one of the first cracks that can cause marriages to fail. To those who are betrayers, and even going through the struggle of withdrawal, looking past your own pain and to the pain of your spouse will be an essential ingredient to your healing. I suspect that that point could be made both ways.<P>Again, I sincerely apologize to those who I have angered by sharing my own personal struggles here. It was those like you, that I believe were the reason for my hesitations to begin with.<BR>

As someone who is both betrayed and easing out of EA withdrawal, I think your posts are very eloquent and are a snapshot of what the betrayer's mind is like. As a betrayed, I don't want my H to have loved to OW. As someone who turned to someone else when my H left me again (still have trouble calling that betrayal) but now working on my marriage, I understand the struggle you are able to share.<P>If one betrayed person connects a little better to their betrayer because of you, you have done a wonderful thing.<P>There is a lot of hurt on this board, some bleeding fresh and some repetitive and chronic and it is rare that a regular poster doesn't touch off a nerve in another sensitive soul.<P>I encourage you to stay.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

You apology is accepted. I have not read many of your posts but this one says enough.<P>The most important thing is that you are here and you recognize the sorrow that engulfs each of us BS's. I am proud of you for admitting this to all of us and that you are here.<P>My story's been a long one. I also found (H doesn't know) a post my H did. It's "trouble mending" under "just found out", where he is reaching out. Which is baby step to say the least but it's a step. I hope you've seen the light in your W and I hope you are going way beyond your means to help her heal. I hope you both can flourish from this tragedy and spend the rest of your lives in happiness. Be good to each other. Don't let go of each other. The love between H and W is so special. I never realized, and now it might be too late for me. I hope it's not for you. LSM

Hey NoMas,<P>First of all, thanks for replying to my "I'm scared" post. I can't take your advice on that one for reasons that are kind of confusing...in a nutshell, I don't want him to see beneath my calm outer shell. I slipped for a moment, but he has to see that I am in control of myself here.<P>Anyway, I think what you posted here was wonderful. It's been a pleasure to watch your story unfold. Ok, probably not a pleasure for you, but very interesting for me to watch you grow. And boy, have you grown.<P>You have been nothing but a helping hand to me. I consider myself a very lucky person because I have never wavered in my love for my H. I have absolutley no experience in what it feels like to have an EA. I had to get an understanding of that to move out of the pain. Somehow, reading what you and other WS post has helped me tremendously. Isn't it funny how that works? You guys helped me "get it", and I couldn't do any kind of Plan A until I understood how my H felt.<P>I am not saying that I am some kind of evangelist now for WS, but I have recently found out that three of my dearest freinds are WS, and I didn't judge them, didn't look down at them. I felt like I helped them, and you gave me the tools to do that. I "got it"...just knew inwardly what was going on in their heads, and I think I really was able to aid them in giving up their affairs.<P>NoMas, I hope and pray that you can find the feelings for your wife that you felt for OW. Of course, you know that you won't feel the same things, it's not possible, because you've been with this woman for many years. But to love, raise your children, cherish, give of yourself with the one you married is the plan. Maybe, at best, there will be magic moments. It can't be magical all the time...you know that life just isn't that way. <P>Is your wife ready to go away for a few days with you? Look into it NoMas. A few days in a hotel, a nice resort...can do wonders. Rediscover who she is. I'm sure that God gave her many special gifts, your job is to discover what those are and realize that those gifts are for you.<P>You just sound great, and I am proud of you NoMas.'<P>allison<BR>