My husband and I have been married for almost 17 years, the second marriage for both of us. I am deeply in love with him and for 16 and 1/2 years I thought the feelings were mutual. In December of 1999, he started "chatting" on the internet. He has one of those little camera things and chats on "ivisit". I found a very disturbing email from a woman shortly after this chat thing started and confronted him with it. He managed to convince me that the whole thing was a joke. This woman lives in our small town and my husband had spoken to her about computers while shopping at the small grocery store where she works. She (forgive me) is not very attractive so I chose to believe him that the email stemmed from a joke. However, with this incident my trust level in him began to fade. Since then he has formed a relationship with a woman who lives on the other side of the country through the chat room. They now "chat" privately and have actually exchanged gifts through the mail. He contends that since he has told me about her and their "friendship" that I should believe that there is nothing deeper going on. He talks to her almost every night sometimes for hours after I have gone to bed. I wake up and see the light on in the computer room and on the many occasions that I have gotten up and looked he has been chatting with her. It is easy to see since they have the cameras, so I can see her on the screen. He did the "quick click" for several weeks whenever I would walk by until I confronted him about it. He said that he knew I didn't like the "chatting" so that's why he clicked off when I was around. He says that he has nothing to hide, they are just friends. He doesn't click off anymore, but I can't read the conversation more than just a line or two because of the way he has the screen set up. But, I can see her sitting there, waiting to talk more. I don't have any "friends" that I talk to every day for hours at a time. This is eating me alive. I don't know how to handle it. I want him to end his relationship with her but I am afraid if I "forbid" him to do it that will only make him want to do it more. There is so much more to this but I don't want to write a novel. He is 51 and I believe he is going through a full-fledged mid-life crises. I am 41 and always thought I would qualify as his "trophy wife". Wrong. He has made comments lately like (speaking of women) "one is not enough" and "I have spent my whole life making her happy, now it's time to make myself happy". Quickly, let me say that we have never had any major problems in our marriage in 17 years. We enjoy the same things and do them together. We used to hold hands and kiss and hug all the time. But, over the last six months all this has changed. He told me that he feels like he has changed his whole life for me (I don't know what he's talking about, but...) and "can't think of anything he has gotten in return". This comment blew me away. Then he said that the only "real life" he has is on the computer after I go to bed! I had no idea that he was unhappy. NONE I don't know what to do. Will this just pass? Is it just a phase? Or should I confront him about how I am feeling and hope it doesn't come to an ultimatum? Is there anyone out there that can offer some advise?<P>------------------<BR>Chele

Welcome Chele,<P>There is usually a guy here that goes by NSR that posts a welcome with lots of info on it, but he's out of town. Hope someone else knows how to post it, because I don't.<P>You've come to a good place. You'll find a lot of people with a ton of experience, some that are in situations very similar to yours.<P>Have you done any reading? Men in Mid Life by Jim Conway is good. Conway had a huge mid life crisis, and really hits the nail on the head. My H said sentences that were exactly the same thing Conway would say...like how he just wanted "one more time" referring to his affair.<P>I know this is a terrible, and confusing time for you right now. Your H is being mean and nasty and will blame you for all of his personal unhappiness. You have got to let these comments roll off of you as soon as he says them. Don't play into his game. It makes it easier to him to justify his behavior if you are acting like...well...any of us would naturally act...scared, mad, upset, out of control.<P>As upside-down as it seems, you have got to find a way to be the picture of control right now. Your H is lost. You have to be strong to help him. He is having a hard time (I know you are too) but you have to learn all you can about what he is going through. He just can't do it right now. Don't expect him to.<P>Read all you can on these boards. There are lots of spouses that have been betrayed, and also a lot of the betrayers post here. You can learn a lot from each sides of this.<P>I hope your H has not met any of the women he chats with yet. Watch him, as that is the next step in this mess. If he is planning any trips, try to accompany him. You don't want his EA to turn into a PA. That's much harder to fight.<P>Keep posting, keep reading, start learning and changing.<P>It will be so hard, but you'll start feeling in control of yourself soon.<P>allison

If it hasn't already gone further, it will. You have to put a stop to it now, somehow. Been there done that. Only, I was the one quick clicking...<P>Good luck....

Chele -<P>Spending hours on the computer chatting with another woman is taking time away from you and away from your marriage. These women may "just be friends," and if they really are, you should be able to tell your husband how you feel about these long, late night chats. It's not normal friendship, and if it were, he should be able to drop them - once you explain to him how it is hurting you.<P>I would try to explain to your H how you feel - be honest. If he thinks he is going through a mid-life crisis, fine. But, the time he spends on the computer is time that he spends away from his marriage.<P>Another good book recommended to me on this site was "His needs, Her needs." I think you AND your husband could get a lot out of it. Keep reading and posting!!

Allison, thanks for the welcome. I have searched and searched for a place I can find some advice (if not answers). I will pick up "Men in Mid Life" today. Part of my confusion is that I feel like the internet crap is a direct result of his crises. He would NEVER admit that he is going through something even remotely related to anything called a "crises", but it is so clear to me. He is almost stereo-typical in his behavior. He even wants to order a red corvette! So, I am finding it hard to determine how I should handle things. Your advise to remain in control (man! is THAT a hard thing to do!) is pretty much how I have been acting. I have also tried to do things for him to show him how much I love him and to try to make him happy, i.e. cooking his favorite meals, more sex... But, on the other hand, I wonder if he is subconciously wanting the "tough love" reaction from me. By acting like I am NOT threatened by his behavior, am I somehow sending him a message that I don't care if he is carrying on an emotional affair with another woman? (And it is only one now, the first one seemed to end at that email in December.) Speaking of trips, he is going on "guys" fishing trip this weekend. At first I was convinced that he was going to rendezvous with her, but after talking more to him about the trip it is seeming more legit. It is a vendor of his taking a number of clients fishing (it's an annual thing that my H has never gone to before). He said that they are taking vans down to the coast, so he is not driving. It seems like it would be kinda hard to pick someone up at an airport and have a "weekend date" without a car. I plan to drive downtown and check out the parking lot at the vendor's office to make sure his truck is there. But, I can't help still wondering. She would have to travel from the west coast to the east coast of the country to make this meeting (if in fact they would be meeting where he says he is going fishing...) I asked him last night to tell me how to get into his "ivisit" chat room so I can see "what it's all about" while he's gone and he didn't even flinch. He told me how. But, after I went to bed, he was back at it. I can't tell you how many nights I have cried myself to sleep alone in our bed, while he "chats" with another woman in my house. <P>Thanks again for your response. I will be here everyday until things come to a head (either way).<P>tha <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by az allison:<BR><B>Welcome Chele,<P>There is usually a guy here that goes by NSR that posts a welcome with lots of info on it, but he's out of town. Hope someone else knows how to post it, because I don't.<P>You've come to a good place. You'll find a lot of people with a ton of experience, some that are in situations very similar to yours.<P>Have you done any reading? Men in Mid Life by Jim Conway is good. Conway had a huge mid life crisis, and really hits the nail on the head. My H said sentences that were exactly the same thing Conway would say...like how he just wanted "one more time" referring to his affair.<P>I know this is a terrible, and confusing time for you right now. Your H is being mean and nasty and will blame you for all of his personal unhappiness. You have got to let these comments roll off of you as soon as he says them. Don't play into his game. It makes it easier to him to justify his behavior if you are acting like...well...any of us would naturally act...scared, mad, upset, out of control.<P>As upside-down as it seems, you have got to find a way to be the picture of control right now. Your H is lost. You have to be strong to help him. He is having a hard time (I know you are too) but you have to learn all you can about what he is going through. He just can't do it right now. Don't expect him to.<P>Read all you can on these boards. There are lots of spouses that have been betrayed, and also a lot of the betrayers post here. You can learn a lot from each sides of this.<P>I hope your H has not met any of the women he chats with yet. Watch him, as that is the next step in this mess. If he is planning any trips, try to accompany him. You don't want his EA to turn into a PA. That's much harder to fight.<P>Keep posting, keep reading, start learning and changing.<P>It will be so hard, but you'll start feeling in control of yourself soon.<P>allison</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Chele

Lacee, if you were the one "quick clicking", how would you have reacted to your H confronting your behavior and asking you to end the EA in order to save your marriage? Did you also claim it was only a friendship? Were you hoping (even a little) that your H would ask you to stop? <P>Thanks for the wish of luck, I will need it I am pretty sure.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lacee:<BR><B>If it hasn't already gone further, it will. You have to put a stop to it now, somehow. Been there done that. Only, I was the one quick clicking...<P>Good luck....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>Chele

I agree with you that if she (there's only one that I am really worried about)is truly a friend that he should be able to end it with her (and she should understand, if she is a REAL friend). I have talked honestly to him on many occasions about how it makes me feel. I have asked him to put himself in my place and asked how he would like it. He said he would NOT like it, if the shoe were on the other foot. I have told him in controlled, non-angry (is that a word?)terms that I am very uncomfortable with the whole thing. And I guess what really breaks my heart is that even KNOWING how it hurts me, he will not stop. We recently went on our annual vacation (sailing in the British Virgin Islands) with a group of 14 of our friends. He spent probably close to $100 on gifts he claims he is taking to people he works with. In all 17 of our years together, he has NEVER taken anything back from vacation to people at work. I found all of those gifts in an duffle bag of his and have checked each day to see if he takes them to work that day. I think he is planning to send them to "her", not give them to people at work. They disappeared yesterday. I am going to wait a few days then ask his co-worker how he liked his gift. Well, I am rambling on and on. I wish I could determine the most pertinent things to post here, but they all seem important to me. There is so much to it. <P>Thanks for replying to me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SKM:<BR><B>Chele -<P>Spending hours on the computer chatting with another woman is taking time away from you and away from your marriage. These women may "just be friends," and if they really are, you should be able to tell your husband how you feel about these long, late night chats. It's not normal friendship, and if it were, he should be able to drop them - once you explain to him how it is hurting you.<P>I would try to explain to your H how you feel - be honest. If he thinks he is going through a mid-life crisis, fine. But, the time he spends on the computer is time that he spends away from his marriage.<P>Another good book recommended to me on this site was "His needs, Her needs." I think you AND your husband could get a lot out of it. Keep reading and posting!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

My husband has been having internet affairs for 3 yrs now. He claims they are innocent, but he too spends many hours at night, after I have gone to bed. I know he does cypersex and phone sex (he sneaks behind my back and buys phone cards so the calls won't come on our phone bill). I feel very strongly that he is meeting someone this Friday night while I am at a musical. I have let my husband of 24 yrs. get me into threesomes, and BDSM because I try to please him, only to loose myself's respect. None of that lasted very long because I couldn't face it. But, he is things that sex outside the marriage is fine. I feel so stupid for putting up with this and letting my head into the sand. We have a son in college who I wouldn't do anything to ruin his life. Our family is very, very small, and if his father & mothers splits into a nasty divorce, well, his life would not be good. I should say that my husband has had an affair and the girl got pregant. So, he is now paying child support for twins!!! When I type this out, it sounds like a nightmare someone else should be living. Am I really so stupid for being a rug to my husband's needs and sick desires???? How can I gain respect for my life and keep what family we have still together?? I pray for God to change my husband, but I feel like my life is going down the sewers. We have a nice house, nice cars, and good jobs. Our son if very healthy and outstanding individual. Should I just be happy for this, which I am very grateful, and be thankful for what I have and let me husband's actions hang himself???????<BR>

We are younger than you but my husband has had two affairs with woman he met on-line (sick, huh?). It has been just three weeks since he told me about them. One lasted two months and one lasted 8 months (he had just ended it a couple of days before he told me about it). Both affairs started with just chatting. I hated when he would stay up late and talk with other woman. He would click off when I would walk by but I knew what he was doing. He claimed it was "his only fun". He even convinced me that I had a problem and didn't trust him since I didn't like his chatting. So I played the good wife and left him alone. I "made" myself prove that I trusted him. There were so many times I wish I would have done something..anything...rather than just sit back and allow things to happen. But..looking back..I am not sure there was much I could have done. If I would have forbid it..he would have found another way to communicate with them. He, himself, has said there was nothing I could have done to have stopped him. However, he was looking for commpanionship and communication. By me going to bed..he wasn't getting it from me. In hindsight, if there was anything I could have done it would have been to stay up later and talked to him. I would have made a point of at least being in the room. I would have done more to create a more fun environment in our home. I hate myself for just sitting passively by. His affairs may have happened anyway...but at least I wouldn't have to feel like such a wimp who just allowed it to happen. <P>We are younger than you (35) so I don't know much about the mid-life crisis your husband may be going through. However, my husband was in the middle of trying to change jobs so he was going through a crisis too. Read about "Plan A" that is talked about. From personal experience I would treat what he is doing as an affair. You have every right to be upset. <P>Check and re-check what he is doing. My husband has said in hindsight that the only reason he said that I should just trust him and not check into things was because he was trying to hide something. If he wasn't doing something he shouldn't have, he would have allowed me to see everything and be a part. Make it very difficult for your husband to go on-line. Become more involved... find something you want to do on-line so he can't... try to see if he would consider counseling. I "wish" so much I had done something when I was in your shoes. But, from personal experience, if you just sit by and wait to see what happens...things will only get worse. Good luck.

Hopeful, <P>Thanks so much for your reply. I am right where you were now. I am just letting it happen. I do go to bed early (I have to get up at 4:30 for work), and I really do not enjoy the computer much so I haven't asked to be a part of what he's doing. I know, excuses, excuses... Last night I asked him to show me how to get into his "ivisit" chatroom before he goes on a fishing trip (at least I HOPE that's where he's going) this weekend. He didn't even flinch. He just said "it's real easy, you just click..."<BR>I have every intention of going in there to see what goes on. One thing I have asked him repeatedly is why he chooses the rooms he visits the way he does. He always chooses the "adult" rooms or goes under the category of "romance". It breaks my heart that he feels like he has to go on line to find romance. This is all so new to me. Our life together up to this point has been so wonderful, full of admiration, affection, and respect for one another. It's like over night he turned into somebody else. Somebody I don't even know. Thanks for the advise to do something. I plan to confront him (again) about it after he gets back from his trip this weekend. I plan to spend the weekend wearing my investigator hat, to find out whatever I can about what he is doing. In the meantime, maybe I will try to stay up later or get up and if he's online just go in and sit down beside him. We'll see what happens. Thanks again.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hopeful in Michigan:<BR><B>We are younger than you but my husband has had two affairs with woman he met on-line (sick, huh?). It has been just three weeks since he told me about them. One lasted two months and one lasted 8 months (he had just ended it a couple of days before he told me about it). Both affairs started with just chatting. I hated when he would stay up late and talk with other woman. He would click off when I would walk by but I knew what he was doing. He claimed it was "his only fun". He even convinced me that I had a problem and didn't trust him since I didn't like his chatting. So I played the good wife and left him alone. I "made" myself prove that I trusted him. There were so many times I wish I would have done something..anything...rather than just sit back and allow things to happen. But..looking back..I am not sure there was much I could have done. If I would have forbid it..he would have found another way to communicate with them. He, himself, has said there was nothing I could have done to have stopped him. However, he was looking for commpanionship and communication. By me going to bed..he wasn't getting it from me. In hindsight, if there was anything I could have done it would have been to stay up later and talked to him. I would have made a point of at least being in the room. I would have done more to create a more fun environment in our home. I hate myself for just sitting passively by. His affairs may have happened anyway...but at least I wouldn't have to feel like such a wimp who just allowed it to happen. <P>We are younger than you (35) so I don't know much about the mid-life crisis your husband may be going through. However, my husband was in the middle of trying to change jobs so he was going through a crisis too. Read about "Plan A" that is talked about. From personal experience I would treat what he is doing as an affair. You have every right to be upset. <P>Check and re-check what he is doing. My husband has said in hindsight that the only reason he said that I should just trust him and not check into things was because he was trying to hide something. If he wasn't doing something he shouldn't have, he would have allowed me to see everything and be a part. Make it very difficult for your husband to go on-line. Become more involved... find something you want to do on-line so he can't... try to see if he would consider counseling. I "wish" so much I had done something when I was in your shoes. But, from personal experience, if you just sit by and wait to see what happens...things will only get worse. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I have read Plan A and B, but I don't think it will work with me. My husband is in such denial and thinks what he is doing is okay through his eyes. There isn't much that we have in common as far as anything exciting to do together. All he is interested in is sex, and lust. Finances is another big part of my problem. I have received my inheritance from my parents, and hate the thought of losing some of it in a divorce. Plus, he will not divorce me because of his financial commitment to the twins which he is paying child support and they are only 7 yrs. old. He needs my paycheck since a big parts of his goes to this support. What a mess!!! If I get strong and stand up for myself, I fear what he could do. He can be violent with his temper. I know I would need to move out and I hate to admit it, but my home and family furnishings are important to maintain to pass down to our son. I fear of what my husband would do if I threaten him to leave. I can't do that to our son. The best thing I know to do is to warn all future young people that before they get married, don't jump into a relationship and give up your independence and values. I feel it is too late for me, but I certainly pray that my wisdom and experience will save others from getting into a mess like this!!! <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hopeful in Michigan:<BR><B>We are younger than you but my husband has had two affairs with woman he met on-line (sick, huh?). It has been just three weeks since he told me about them. One lasted two months and one lasted 8 months (he had just ended it a couple of days before he told me about it). Both affairs started with just chatting. I hated when he would stay up late and talk with other woman. He would click off when I would walk by but I knew what he was doing. He claimed it was "his only fun". He even convinced me that I had a problem and didn't trust him since I didn't like his chatting. So I played the good wife and left him alone. I "made" myself prove that I trusted him. There were so many times I wish I would have done something..anything...rather than just sit back and allow things to happen. But..looking back..I am not sure there was much I could have done. If I would have forbid it..he would have found another way to communicate with them. He, himself, has said there was nothing I could have done to have stopped him. However, he was looking for commpanionship and communication. By me going to bed..he wasn't getting it from me. In hindsight, if there was anything I could have done it would have been to stay up later and talked to him. I would have made a point of at least being in the room. I would have done more to create a more fun environment in our home. I hate myself for just sitting passively by. His affairs may have happened anyway...but at least I wouldn't have to feel like such a wimp who just allowed it to happen. <P>We are younger than you (35) so I don't know much about the mid-life crisis your husband may be going through. However, my husband was in the middle of trying to change jobs so he was going through a crisis too. Read about "Plan A" that is talked about. From personal experience I would treat what he is doing as an affair. You have every right to be upset. <P>Check and re-check what he is doing. My husband has said in hindsight that the only reason he said that I should just trust him and not check into things was because he was trying to hide something. If he wasn't doing something he shouldn't have, he would have allowed me to see everything and be a part. Make it very difficult for your husband to go on-line. Become more involved... find something you want to do on-line so he can't... try to see if he would consider counseling. I "wish" so much I had done something when I was in your shoes. But, from personal experience, if you just sit by and wait to see what happens...things will only get worse. Good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I have a lot of sympathy for you and understanding of the problem. My H corresponds with a woman (friend in his terms)via e-mail. They have never met. He, too, refuses to end it. The only suggestion I have is to work on meeting each other's EN (refer to Harley's books and information on this BB) and, at the same time, let him know how uncomfortable his actions make you.