Hi, I have visited this site on and off for the last few months ........ and it has been very helpfull to hear how other people are dealing with their 'situations'. I am now at a crossroads in my relationship, and just thought I would post some questions about my specific situation to see what others have to say.<P>Some details you may need to know:<BR>- We have been married for 5 years, with no kids. Both of us are very driven individuals (career wise, and are always 'on the go').<BR>- My wife had an affair three years ago ....... I took the blame for it, because I was working WAY too much, and neglected my wife's needs. I corrected my work behaviors, and things turned around. But, I found out after, my wife didn't end the affair when she said she did ....... it carried on for months after. Lies continued, and I now think we never really did get over that situation (my wife still resents me for what I put her through to 'make her' have an affair ... and she can never open up to me emotionally and truthfully because of the guilt and lies of the past).<BR>- My wife is now on her second affair. She met this guy on an out of town conference in April, and has been emotionally connected to him ever since. Not sure if sex is involved (she won't admit to it), but, right now ... my wife said she needed some time away from me ... she is on holidays 800 miles away ..... in the same town as the other man for a week. Also, you would not believe the amount of Lingerie she has in her closet (none of which I ever bought her, or that I even ever saw her wear).<BR>- My wife is now saying that she is realizing that she has never really felt an emotional connection to me ........ I can definately agree that we have had intimacy problems for quite some time .... but to say that we NEVER were close is very hurtful. She also believes that if two people were meant to be together, they should not have to work at a marriage ...... ie, all marriages don't need work. Therefore, she truly thinks the grass is much greener on the other side of the fence.<BR>- I have been plan Aing for about three months now, but, my wife refuses to stop calling the other guy (after all, they are 'just friends'). They have only seen each other 3 times since they met (they do live far apart), but they talk on the phone and email each other almost daily. After she doesn't see him for a few weeks, we actually start connecting again, but, then she will see him (another work conference), and when she gets back, she once again wants a separation, and we are back at square one again.<BR> I cannot handle this roller coaster ride anymore. I cannot see things changing, until she stops seeing the other guy. Is it time to move to Plan B ? Or do I continue competing.<BR> Is it possible that my wife is just in a dream world ???? She has always had things given to her (she comes from a great, supportive family, she has lots of good friends, she has a good job, she is an extremely attractive women (she could be a model), and constantly has men hitting on her. Am I fighting a losing battle ?? If I go to plan B, I fear she will just move on without looking back.

boozy, <P>If you are here for help - you will find it. I rarely post anymore, but I thought I would throw you line from someone who has walked through the fire. <P><B>- My wife had an affair three years ago ....... I took the blame for it, because I was working WAY too much, and neglected my <BR>wife's needs.</B><BR>No, no, no. You should not carry that burden on your own. First of all, there is nothing that you did to justify an affair. An affair is a symptom of marriage in trouble. Both parties are responsible. Sure you neglected her, but she took the step into the abyss by breaking a vow to you. Don't take all the blame. <P><B>Lies continued, and I now think we never really did get over that situation (my wife still resents me for what I put her through to 'make her' have an affair ... and she can never open up to me emotionally and truthfully because of the guilt and lies of the past).</B><BR>Listen closely...YOU DID NOT MAKE HER HAVE AN AFFAIR. She chose that path by her own free will. She is justifying her behavior of commiting a sin - which is normal. Don't get sucked into that. You have to remain level headed through this if you want your marriage to heal. <P><B>- My wife is now on her second affair. She met this guy on an out of town conference in April, and has been emotionally connected to him ever since.</B><BR>I am so sorry. I hope you are starting to see that your wife has a serious problem. The emotional connection is more of an infatuation. When we first date, we show only the best side of our personality. We hide our faults. In time she will see that. You have the advantage by being there day in and day out. My advice is to NOT separate. Rarely does separation help mend marriages. It is changed behavior that changes marriages. <P><B>- My wife is now saying that she is realizing that she has never really felt an emotional connection to me ........ I can definately agree that we have had intimacy problems for quite some time .... but to say that we NEVER were close is very hurtful.</B><BR>Betrayers can say some pretty heart wrenching things. If I lament on the things my wife told me 18 months ago, I could curl up and cry for hours. Betrayers say things that they don't really mean and later regret. Be open to forgive. <P><B>She also believes that if two people were meant to be together, they should not have to work at a marriage ...... ie, all marriages don't need work. Therefore, she truly thinks the grass is much greener on the other side of the fence.</B><BR>Well, I hope you see her comments as being rather naive. Every long term marriage takes lots of hard work. Every marriage is going to encounter serious problems. It is how you both react to those problems that will determine the outcome of your marriage. You need to be the logical thinker for your marriage. Believe me - EVERY MARRIAGE takes work. Some people aren't willing to do the work and miss out on the benefits of a life long committment.<P><B>- I have been plan Aing for about three months now, but, my wife refuses to stop calling the other guy (after all, they are 'just friends').</B><BR>If you want to save your marriage, it is going to take a very long time. You will need to Plan A in the face of adversity. You will need to Plan A without getting your needs met for a very long time. One person can save a marriage. It tough, but you can win her back and have a better marriage than you've ever had. You need to show her consistant change over a very long period of time. I know three months sounds like a long time, but you need to look further down the road. Check your progress every three months. I use the BEST method for my daily interaction with my wife. BEST stands for, Bless, Edify, Share, and Touch. Give comliments, build up her self-esteme, share your life with her and listen to her carefully, and provide lots of non-sexual touch. <P><B>I cannot handle this roller coaster ride anymore. I cannot see things changing, until she stops seeing the other guy. Is it time to move to Plan B ? Or do I continue competing.</B><BR>I know the roller coaster is rough. I'm sorry to say that it isn't going to get better much sooner either. But, in TIME it will. <P>Remember, if she wanted to leave you she would be gone right now. She still loves eventhough she may not say it or act it. You may be competing, but you have the advantage of offering unconditional love on a daily basis. The om can't compete at that level. Live your life without regrets. I know I couldn't look back and wonder if I should have stuck it out a little longer or whether i should have tried to be more open or whatever. Get to know your wife again. Becomes friends again first, the marriage part will follow in TIME.<P>SHA

Thanks SirHurtsALot, what you wrote makes a ton of sense. I will therefore not be the one to initate the separation at this time. The last thing I want to do is ruin any chances that our marriage still may have. I think I can stick to Plan A for a little bit longer .... all I sometimes look for is to see some progress now and then, and it helps me through the tough times ..... but I know I can't expect much at this time, and I know I can't push her. I do know, however, that the other guy is pushing her a lot ... and she is the type to be pursuaded quite easily when she is messed up like this. She tells me she is doing a lot of 'soul searching' during her week away from me (I don't know how much soul searching she can do when she is with the other man ??).<BR> Anyhow, so here I wait till the weekend when she is back, and hopefully hear that she has decided to not move out quite yet ...... (from our last few conversations, I am thinking that she will want to move out). The next few days will definately be long.<BR> She actually called me today ..... I think it had to do with her mom though ..... her mom left her a voice mail on her cell phone mentioning that she knows that we are having some marriage problems. My wife called me to ask what I told her mom .... she obviously wanted to keep this entire thing a secret from her family.<BR> Here is a question ...... how do I talk to her about the other guy ?? Or do I not mention him at all ?? How can I find out what this other guy is giving her that I am not if we don't talk about him (I am not sure she will tell me anyway .... or she will just lie about everything (she still doesn't admit to what is going on), but, I want to know if it is proper to mention him in conversations). I just want to get her to open up to me, and not continue the lies.<P>Thanks again for your previous response.

Hey Boozy, <P>The soul searching she says she is doing is common. One key elelment I forgot to mention is that you should not only being doing a fantastic Plan A, but you should also eliminate all Love Busters. At this point in her life she is looking for reasons to leave - don't give her any. Make this an extremely tough decision for her. <P><B>how do I talk to her about the other guy ?? Or do I not mention him at all??</B><BR>Well, in my humble opinion, I suggest you try an eliminate this guy from your thoughts. He's a fart in the wind. Don't give him any control in your decison making. He's a man who's messing around with a married woman - what does that tell you about his character? Don't mention his name, don't ask your wife about him, nothing, nada, zip. There will come a time when you will talk about this, but let her be th one to initiate that conversation. I know it is tough to not think about him, but you need to stay focused on your relationship with your wife, not her relationship with someone else.<P><B>How can I find out what this other guy is giving her that I am not if we don't talk about him (I am not sure she will tell me anyway ....</B><BR>Well, the om is giving her friendship. He's porobably complementing her. He's probably telling her what a wonderful person she is. He probably makingher feel good about herself. You need to do these same things. When this mess started for me 18 months ago, I didn't no my wife. I started down a path to get to know her again. It was very tough. She hated how I had changed into this wonderful guy because it made it hard for her to justify what she was doing. A key to a woman's heart is through conversation. Become a great listener and an exceptional conversationalist. Notice the little things she does and compliment her on them. She is probably doing things small things for you that you still take for granted. Get to know her again. Start dating again. Go to places where you can sit and talk. <P><B>I just want to get her to open up to me, and not continue the lies.</B><BR>Lieing is a necessary evil in infidelity. She lies because she doesn't want to hurt you. Don't give her reasons to lie. Don't try and trap her in a situation where she will have to lie. You've lost trust in your marriage and it will take time to rebuild. In time, you'll get to know her again and she will open up when she trusts you as a friend. Remember, Bless, Edify, Share, and Touch - daily. <P>Read all you can. This website has a wealth of information - not just in the forum. get the book His Needs, Her Needs and How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together. I have a library of books I have read over the last 18 months. You need to change your behaviors. The good news is that your personal self esteem will grow as you develop into a new more loving man. Your wife will notice these changes and will slowly respond. <P>Best wishs to you, <BR>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Hi again,<BR> ok, I ordered the book 'His Needs, Her Needs', and found the books "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', and 'How one of you can bring the two of you together' at the library. Geez, I will have my work cut out for me !! But, I know it will be worth it. Thanks for the reference to these materials.<BR> My wife is back from holidays tomorrow .... from my phone conversation with her yesterday, she is still indicating that she will be moving out this weekend. It was mentioned earlier in this thread that separation rarely helps out marriages. Can anyone give me any advice as to how to get my wife to understand this as well ?? It seems that everything I say to her, she just says I am pushing her, or that we just think differently. She is extremely headstrong (she even admits that herself), and says that right now, she 'feels like she has to move out and be on her own'. If I can't convince her to stay, do I actually help her look for a place and help her move her things ?? I am so confused.