My H and I are in recovery - I guess. (Maybe I'm on the wrong board). Anyway, the situation is this:<P>This is the first time he has been out of town in a while since the A ended. It's business. The OW still lives here. I am seriously considering loading my children (almost 4 and 1) into the car and driving by to make sure OWs car is there.<P>I can't get it out of my head that this recovery business is a big lie and he is still seeing her. (Could it be all the lies he has been telling me since I first met him???) <P>Driving by her apt. is not new territory for me (I'm ashamed to say). I used to do it every so often to see if she has moved yet. No such luck. Anyway, the other day I basically stalked her car in the lot so I could see when she leaves for work. I wanted to follow her and see if she got a new job in our small town or in Houston. This would give me an indication of when/if she is moving. <P>The thing is, I think she saw me the other morning. Can't be sure. I was far away and I *thought* my car was well hidden. Anyway, that mission was a bust because I got scared when I saw what may have been her and I left. Still planning to do some more investigation on that. Gonna have to borrow a car and a wig though. <P>But, back to the question. Should I do this tonight? I don't think I will be able to sleep at all if I don't know that she is still in town. Of course, there is always the possibility that she is using a rental car to meet him to throw me off the path. I'm really starting to panic here. Do you think I have totally lost it? <P>What are the chances of her seeing me and ruining my image as the graceful, classy wife? How healthy can it be for me to drag my children around town to check on some bimbo's (didn't say whore! is bimbo okay?) apartment in the middle of the night? I'm sure not very. But, I didn't ask to be put in this situation!<P>Any opinions? <P> <P>

Well I have to say I would do it. Not sure if it would be the right thing but like you said I wouldn't be able to sleep and it would eat me up not knowing. But if you do this please don't bring your children.<P>Can you leave them with someone? Or can someone come to the house for an hour?<P>I'm sure this goes against the rules and probably not the right thing to do but I'd be a hypocrate if I said not to. Because I know if I had the chance I would do it in a heartbeat.<P>Does anyone else have a better idea on how to put your mind at ease when you suspect H might be with OW? I'd welcome any ideas. LSM<P>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by lostsoulmate (edited July 19, 2000).]

Hmmm. I am probably the wrong person to post here about this because I hopped on a plane and flew to NY and made an unannounced visit to the OW. I am the confrontational type, I guess. Though I am disarming and cordial, I frequently put the cat amoung the pigeons just because I do things other people are afraid to do. <P>I have found that unless I know everything about everything, I obsess and feel threatened. I have also decided that there is a lot of freedom in not caring what other people think and to do the outrageous...it throws them off balance and you end up with the advantage in most cases. But, you have to be smart about it.<P>For your own peace of mind, get a sitter and sit in the weeds as long as you have to until you find out whatever it is you need to know in order not to feel like a fool, get your confirmation whether he is or isn't so you can make your decisions. Don't get caught, don't get confrontational or mad.<P>You may find out you are completely wrong and that your husband is out of town on business and OW has a new boyfriend and is no longer interested in your spouse. However, be prepared for the reverse as well. Stay strong, I'll say a prayer, and good luck.<P>Catnip =^^=

Well, it's 11:24 and I'm not going. Thanks to both of you for your advice though. It is not above something I would do and plan to do in the future. <P>I have been talking to H for the past hour or so in his hotel room and so I feel pretty secure. If after all this he is lying to me - well, what is a woman to do? <P>My kids are asleep and so I am going to stay grounded for the night. Anyway, thanks lostsoulmate and catnip. I'll let you know if I go on the prowl in the future...

Dead Inside:<P>What Catnip said about hiding in the weeds brought home some memories for me.<P>I am the most calm, unruffled classy lady like person you would every hope to meet...But I went crazy when I found out.<P>I went out to "love nest" and beat on the door...could hear TV inside...knew someone was there...no one ever came to door...so I drove down the road and parked and crawled up in the weed where I could see the trailer house were they lived. I sat there watching for a while and nothing happened so I finally left. <P>That is the craziest thing I have ever done and I have never repeated anything like it. By the way, OW was inside H told me later, but wouldn't answer the door because she was afraid I'd kill her.<P>Let me assure you that if it will rest your mind...go ahead and do it...that is one thing I have never regretted doing...find out for sure what was going on...because we are in the dark so much.<P>Buffy

Oh, my dear sister, I just had to respond. BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT!!!! Four years ago when my H was in EA with a co-worker I was absolutely manic about him being with her. I found out where she lived drove by there WHENEVER he wasn't home on time, borrowed cars to stake her place out, you name it I probably did it. For a long time after it was supposedly over I kept the binoculars in my car under the seat just in case I felt the urge to spy. Never once did I catch him with her..... so what I did was cause myself untold grief and anxiety when what I should have been doing was praying. <P>I'm glad you didn't go, otherwise you would have missed your long talk with your husband. I can understand your feelings, as I am home alone a lot lately since H is in northern CA for work and has not told me when he will be back. Its hard to be away from them after all we've been through. <P>You're in my prayers. God bless,<P>AW

buffy,<P>That is too funny! I understand about the going crazy part. At times I feel like someone has taken over my body. On the last stake out I could not BELIEVE I was doing it. <P>AW,<P>You are right, I would have missed out on the talk with my H. Last night wasn't a good time to go, but I can't promise I won't in the future. How much were those binoculars?<BR>I think about you and your situation so much. You are in my prayers too.

Dead Inside,<P>Jennifer Harley taught us that he shoud make it easy for me to check up on him, always leave phone #s, give me access to email accounts, and travel without me should be avoided.<P>Obviously it is not always possible, it still comes down to giving him enough rope to hang himself if he wants to. I couldn't stake out OW since she lives overseas, but I don't think I would want to. I didn't really want to check up on him during the day like she said. We went back to calling on his cell (he could be anywhere).<P>We are trying to build something that is sooo open that I would know emotionally if something was up. In fact, I got scared because he came back from a trip to her country real distant - I had to know if he had contacted her, no, he did not.<P>The other thing is thinking "out of the box". I have spent 12 WEEKS so far this year in hotels going on trips with him, mostly with the kids. It's tough, but it gives us some continuity which his frequent travel doesn't allow for. We've also found it to be something like living the fantasy ourselves, doing it in so many hotel rooms, etc. Ok, I'm getting personal...<P>I have sort of toyed with the idea of going back to work now that the kids are in preschool, but I can't have both. For now, it is worth it to me to be the tag along spouse.