Okay, please bear with me. This is going to be a long post but I really need some advice, inspiration or something.<P>Went out with H last night. OW thinks he was watching our D. We went out to dinner and had a interesting conversation. Some things were laid out on the table by both of us. Some things we were able to come to an understanding on, some things we weren't (mainly his distrust of me - some nerve, I have NEVER been unfaithful in any way with him - gggrrrrr). Then we went to a concert and had a GREAT time. The concert was fabulous! At one point, H placed his hand on my knee and kept it there. We also held hands for a bit. Concert got over and we went out for cocktails. The next few hours were VERY different. We went to a place I had not been before and it was VERY interesting! I won't go into details here but know that there was a LOT of sexual suggestion going on by both of us.<P>Then we headed out and had a somewhat heated discussion. Here's where I will go into detail: On the day I told my H to leave our home I also told him I had seen an XBF of mine about a year after we had started living together. It was purely platonic. Now that was over 9 years ago and all of the sudden my H kind of threw that back in my face. Said he could never be second best with the woman he is with. I tried to reassure him but he just wouldn't listen. He kept going on and on. Finally I got very upset and gave it to him straight. I said "Stop throwing this CR@@ in my face! Every day I know you are F***ing around on me and here I sit. What else do you want me to do? What do you want from me? If that isn't saying it I just don't know what will. What do you want?" And with that he got very quiet and said "Maybe I'm just being stupid." I was dunbfounded. I told him he wasn't stupid. And that was it. <P>We went out for a bite to eat and then headed home. Now it's 3:30am by the time we get home. Our D is in our bed. When my H stays here he sleeps in our bed with her and I sleep in her bed. I grabbed my PJs and put them on her bed then went into the bathroom and got ready for bed. When I came out, our D was in her own bed. HE HAD PUT HER THERE! I went back into our bedroom and asked "Are you sure you want me to sleep in here?" He said yes. So I went to bed and soon...well, I'm sure you can figure out what happened. Yep, we had sex. And it was GOOD! Afterwards we both fell asleep.<P>This AM he called in sick to work and slept in. The OW called around 11:00am (on his cell). They spoke for a while but it was pretty hush hush. He left around noon. As he was leaving he gave me a hug and said he had some thinking to do. Kept saying he drank too much last night. I asked him if he was going to use that as an excuse to last night. He said no. Just had to think. He left and called me about 15 minutes later. Said something about thinking again. I said I knew he was confused. He said "No" and that he just needed to think. He would also call me later. He was pretty insistent on that one.<P>So here I am. I am at the top of that emotional rollercoaster and I know it will start going down at some point. I just don't know how hard a fall it's going to be. And I am really scared, you guys. I have been very good about working on his EN except the sex. Well, now that has changed. I'm scared because I'm afraid he'll suddenly become that jerk he was months ago and that I may have sent him back into her arms. Why? He's going to feel really guilty about this. He has been lying to her to be with me and now he has committed the ultimate betrayel. I'm afraid the guilt will be what sends him back to her. (Sigh) I have felt such happiness at many of our baby steps. Last night was a huge step for us and I don't feel nearly as good. I'm being realistic I guess. It can all come to a crashing halt at any moment.<P>Help.<P> <P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!

Hi, Molli. I just am going to throw out what I felt when I read your post. <P>Your husband needs boundaries, I think in some ways he's saying this (even if subliminally ). I don't think he feels comfortable with the allowances of being able to see you and the OW as well. He seems to be putting his own insecurities upon you (i.e. old boyfriend of yours) because he knows what he is doing is WRONG, and his self esteem may be suffering because of it. So, he shifts the blame onto you to make himself better. When you call him on it (with the TRUTH) he snaps back to reality a little.<P>I know this is not popular MBspeak, and I'm sure you've heard it all before, but the betrayer (I was one, and this is only my opinion) needs to understand that their behaviors shouldn't be tolerated. If the consequences of the betrayer's actions are condoned or allowed, then what does that say to the betrayer? You can break your back trying to meet all of his emotional needs, but will it ever be enough? <P>Please don't be fearful of what his decision is, it sounds as if you're a loving, giving person and you deserve much from your husband. Much more than he's giving you now.

Molli:<BR>I could have written your post back in December 1998. I had the same kind of "date" with my husband you described; that was followed by the hushed phone call to OW and his confusion, you described as "guilt".<P>He came home a month later for good and never left again. We had a rocky four or five months, true recovery began in June 1999.<P>This thing you and your husband are going through right now could be the beginnings of a possible reconcilliation. <P>I will pray for you to get through the next few months and not get discouraged and to stay focused on Plan A.<P>Catnip =^^=

Molli:<P>Where sex is basic to the difficulty in the marriage, it would seem that for a man to reconnect to his wife at some point he will want to reconnect with sex as that is how a man gets to feel closer to a woman.<P>This is a dangerous experience for a woman however because it is so wrapped up in love...a setup for a fall.<P>When my H had been with OW for about 3 months, he began to spend time with me like your H has with you, time she didn't know he was spending with me...finally he came to me and wanted to go away with me for a weekend.<P>She tried to stop him by coming by the house and trying to talk him out of it...but she couldn't...we went away for the weekend...to the mountains...and it was wonderful...sex and all...and when we came back he left to try to break things off with her...and stayed three more months before he finally left. <P>This was so hard on me that we never had sex again in those 3 months although we still had contact and he worked on coming home. <P>So be prepared for a possible downturn on the roller coaster...but perhaps you are on the last big dip before the end of the ride...the separation ride....the recovery ride is still to come...and that's a whole new thing.<P>Hope I didn't spoil your "wonderful" date because it really was the start of sometime.<P>Buffy<P><BR>

Connor - <P>Thanks for the reply. There have been many incidences where H has tried to test his boundaries and where I have had to provide the reality check. So far, we have had good outcomes. No arguing, just discussing and understanding. I know exactly what he was doing with the old BF thing. I called him on it and he stopped. He has tried to throw the guilt trip on me. I will accept the things I did to get us where we are at but I ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT accept total blame for the decision he eventually made. I have told him this point blank and he doesn't question it. As far as the sex...Yeah, I know it was risky. He knows how I feel. Now he is trying to blame it on the alcohol (whatever!). Of course, the only person he is trying to convince is himself and I called him on that as well. It worked. It got him thinking again. Of course, none of this scared him off too bad...we've got a date for Saturday PM (OW is out of town, again).<P>Catnip - <P>Fear not! I am still Plan Aing like crazy. He took me and our D out tonight to a place he has taken the OW. He is a regular there and everyone knows me as well. You can imagine their surprise when they saw me. But, boy, was I greeted with a lot of smiles! Like I said to Connor, he must not feel too guilty, he's taking me out on Saturday and we have already made plans to go out to the place we went on Tuesday (but on another night besides Saturday). Maybe this is the beginning of a reconciliation, maybe it's not. All I know is I'm having a great time and I'm taking things one day at a time.<P>Buffy - <P>Well, I've probably been more realistic about this than anyone. I know it could be just sex (at least for now). All I can say is that it happened. This is the only affair my H had had in the 10+ years we have been together. He has been faced with temptation before but not crossed the line until this year. It's funny that he has been with her for only 6 months and has had no problem crossing that line. I know there are still many dips ahead and I'm okay with that. I'm getting closer to him than I ever would have imagined (and it's not because of the sex). I can talk to him more openly than ever before and he is doing the same with me. So things are still good. We're still making plans to be together and that's what's important right now.<P>Thanks everyone! <P> <P>------------------<BR>Molli<P>Find your strength within!