Last year on my birthday I knew something was wrong when H didn't make any effort to call me or see me. 1 week later I found eveidence and confronted him and since then we have been in this holding pattern of me in plan A him dening it is anything more than friends. Seems like little to no progress. I think I am ready for a change in plans.<P>But he is still in the house. Should I ask him to move out and go to plan B? Should I ask him to move out so I can try plan A from a distance? Should i continue in this limbo that is starting to drag me down and loose love for him? I don't really want to be the one to ask him to leave, but his staying here and being so obviosly unhappy and avoiding me is really starting to get to me too. Maybe it is just the anniversary that is getting to me this week. I felt stronger last week. <BR>Lora<BR>

Lora,<BR> Hey neighbor,I just stopped over here,and can't believe no one answered your post.Of all the rotten..........<P> Since I'm getting a divorce,I guess my opinion isn't worth much.I suppose the question is,what do you want to do? I can't remember(nothing new)if you said you two were in counseling?Seeing anyone for your problems?If not,something's got to give one of these days.You two can't go on like this.<BR> I take it he's still seeing the OW? Just friends,huh? Do you believe that?Won't he even talk to you about it? Or like my stbx,he's a major conflict-avoider.<BR> Sorry to hear that's it's been a whole year.Hard to believe,right?<P> ~~Murph

Lora,<BR>I also am sorry it has been a whole year and it feels like no improvement.I am not in a position to advice either,but you know you have my support and prayers.alone1

My opinion is that your H right now has the best of both worlds. I think that after a year with no improvment it's time for plan B and a boot out the door. Now is the time for him to get a reality check and for you to start working on making yourself happy. I know the unknown is scarey but is this really fair to you the way you are living now?<P>Life is to short to be this unhappy. <P>You have alot of support here to get u through this!<P>Jill

Murphy,<BR>Yes, I am going to conseling. H is major conflict avoider and appears to be trying to control the situation by not speaking to me.What do I want? My old H back, but he does not seem to be there anymore. <P>Alone1,<BR>Thanks.. you ae not alone either... better change your name. <P>Jill, I guess I better start working ont that letter. I Don't know how to get him out of the house tho. Give him the letter and ask him to leave?<P>Last night I tried to ask about vacation we have coming up in Aug. He said why don't you go with your friend. I was not prepared for that answer and just said she was busy then. He said nothing more. I was afraid I would blow up if I cantinued.I just want to force him to tell me his plans. Why couldnt he tell me if he is moving out? I am so sick of his not saying a word. Does he imagine I have read his mind and know his plans? Does he think we will never have to speak of this at all? I will start working on plan B letter this weekend.<BR>Lora

Lora:<P>Refresh my memory---I though you had done some of the MB counseling here, right? If so, my first piece of advice would be for you to go and make an appointment, and bounce some ideas off of Steve (or Jenn).<P>But...<P>Given where you are in your situation, I'd suggest that you sit down (after having written a Plan B letter), and discuss the current living situation with your husband. You have an issue with the unhappiness, and the fact that it's causing you to lose your love for him. Attempt to have a "POJA" discussion with him on this. You can put a couple suggestions on the table (assuming that any of these are OK):<P>1. Joint counseling at MB. Immediately.<P>2. Him moving out.<P>I would then ask him if he has any suggestions. If he just sits there, ask him again (respectfully) what he wants to do. Give him some time (24 hours or so) to think it over, if he needs it. If he's going to be a conflict-avoider, he'll do nothing. Then, make a unilateral decision based on what you feel you can handle (for example, ask him to move out).<P>You might be having a bad week, as you mentioned. I tried to not make any of these major decisions until I had let at least a couple weeks pass. But based on your efforts, you probably need some type of relief. The first choice (counseling) gives your husband an opportunity to actively participate with you on healing the marriage.<P>The second one (separation) will change the dynamics of what's going on. It will protect your love for him (assuming you don't hang out with guy-friends), and it'll force him to make some adjustments to his lifestyle. But there's no doubt that with separation comes risk.<P>I wish I had that magic wand everyone is talking about... this is about the best that I can come up with.

Thanks K, leaving for work now... will write more tonight.<BR>Lora

Okay Lora, here's my 2 cents worth...<P>I think what K said is what you should do, Joint Counseling or He Move Out ... BUT ... I don't think you necessarily need to move to Plan B if he choses to move out. You could continue Plan A, although I know based on how he acts at home your contact may be minimal.<P>So you do have options if he moves out, Plan A or Plan B. <P>I know how hard this is, you know I know.<P>But like K said, why don't you give yourself a couple weeks before you decide to have a Ultimatum Talk, cuz that's what we're talking about, right? Aft a couple of weeks you may find what's weighing on you has lifted. You may feel okay again with Plan Aing him while he continues to live w/you.<P>Remember, you had a pretty nice week-end a couple weeks ago, where you both went to brunch and then MIL, at his invitation too! I think you told me he even talked a little that day. <P>You know I'm here for you Lora, whatever you decide. We can talk about it more tonight if you wish.<P>Jo<P>

Thanks again K,<P>That was really helpful. I discussed it with my counseler toningt and she thought it sounded good too. She called it a loving confrontation and I think I will prepare a letter too ,just in case I get flustered and don't say what I want to.. to give him after. I think I might go with Jos idea of not moving into plan B immediatly either and try the long distance plan A for awhile.<P>I did have several sessions with Steve and I stopped because to me he seemed a little mystified on how to procede... Kept wanting H to call him...He will not. So i didn't want to keep repeating the same crap, different day when I called him.<P>The other thing my counseler talked about including in my letter or talk is how I love him and am concerered about him. He has sleep apnea that is untreated and she says that can lead to depression too. Maybe that is his problem, or part of it.<P>I just am starting to have the feeling that he feels trapped and blames me for his unhappiness, and maybe if he is out on his own he will realize that even without me to blame he still has some problems. Maybe he will be stong enough to make changes, maybe he will keep running. But as we are we do not have a marriage and are making each other miserable.<P>LOL, got no guy friends and would feel hesitant to trust my judgement at this point. Plus reading that other thread... well, we will just leave it at I don't think its a good idea at this point.<BR>Lora

Lora,<BR> Wait a minute!<BR> You said"I got no guy friends".<BR> I'm insulted.What am I,chopped liver?<BR> Actually,you have plenty of friends of both sexes,right here. Let us know what you decide to do,and we'll support you.Us Slug people have got to stick together! Take care.<P> ~~Murph

LOL Murphy,<BR>OOOPPS didn't mean to insult you. I guess I was thnking real word friends. I still don't really get that computer affair thing. I work in a women dominated field. Not much chance for me to find that perfect "we are just friends" at work. <P>In real life, my H is the only man I have ever been close to.<P>I just had to edit this and laugh at myself because guess where I met my H? At work! He was a... gasp... patient. But now that I work in a nursing home there is less chance of that. Of course since I will have to work till I am 70 maybe my future H can come from there. <BR>Lora<p>[This message has been edited by Lora (edited July 21, 2000).]