I feel a storm brewing....here goes....I recently discovered that my wife has made a few "friends" (who all happen to be men) and sending e-mails back and forth and using instant messaging with one of them. She has been told me, that's how I know. The thing is that I asked her how she came across these people and she side-stepped the issue and sort of said that she ran across a couple of them by finding his personal homepage. She was searching for information about a city we would like to move to later on (2 yrs) and he has a page with his daughter. The other day I was at home on the computer and the instant messenger alerted that there was a response to a personal ad and I know I wasn't the one who did it. I pressed it and found out that she placed an ad looking for people to chat with and the ad is very innocent, says just friends to chat with. Ntohing about being married & bored and wanting to meet someone, etc, etc. Well, she forgot to log out of her e-mail and I took the liberty of seeing what she had sent and what she had received. I still feel guilty for looking but it was driving me crazy!!! There is about 6 men who responded and who she has corresponded with. One particularly bothers me because he lives about one and half hours away from us and single. He apparently sent her a pic of him and she replied that he was cute! She has also written that she is happily married and wouldn't know what to do without me. That made me feel a little better. But, I confronted her about the personal ad and she said that I would get mad at her and that it's all innocent. I told her I felt a little deceived because she wasn't truthful to me and she doesn't know that I accessed her e-mail and I still do to see who is writing what to whom and what is being said. I know I shouldn't have done this but I took out an ad just like hers for females to write to me and told her all about and I could tell that I might have gotten under her skin. She knows it bothers me and refuses to stop. This started about5 days ago and driving me nuts!!!! Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!!

Hey fellow Texan,<P>Here goes... storm brewing is exactly right - your W is heading for trouble. My H met his online friend through Scrabble (sounds pretty innocent huh?) - he was perfectly frank with her about being married, told her he was happy, had kids etc. etc. <P>HOWEVER, over a period of several weeks their "friendship" progressed to a much deeper level and by the time I had proof, they were online together every spare minute of every day, and his and my relationship had deteriorated considerably. They had been online lovers for 6 months!<P>He has tried to pull away from her (and other flirtations with female friends online), but it has been and still is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for him to stop. And until he can pull away from her/them, he is absolutely unable to focus on me or restoring our marriage.<P>If you read the materials on this website and lots of other materials you'll find recommended in posts, you'll learn how to determine what emotional needs (EN's) your wife is having met through these other men. Then you can work on meeting those needs yourself. If you can do this, you may avoid her getting more deeply involved and save both of you lots of heartache. This hasn't worked well for me, but from reading other's stories, I believe if you are open and honest with you wife about wanting to meet her needs, she will probably respond positively and give you the information you need to do that.<P>I understand why you responded by corresponding with other women, but my advice is to stop - don't even go there.<P>Good luck.<P>periwinkle

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by txfiddler:<BR><B>I pressed it and found out that she placed an ad looking for people to chat with and the ad is very innocent, says just friends to chat with. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I may be dense, but I would take this as a flaming sign scrawled across the night sky that you are not meeting her emotional need for conversation.<P>Unmet ENs are ignored at the peril of the marriage. Have a heart to heart with her about how the two of you can spend more quality time together.<BR>

Yeah, your W is playing with fire, that's for sure.<P>I can address two aspects to this: <P>1) The "virtual affair". It doesn't matter how you start out, even if it's "just friends." The quasi-anonymity of the Web tends ot make us reveal ourselves more quickly.<P>Many years ago, before I was married, I had a very intense pen-pal romance with someone who was inappropriate. Let's let it go at that. What's dangerous about these is they "feel real." It can happen, even if you (or she) think it can't.<P>2) Online friends. I have a VERY active online life. I have about four very close friends that I know only online, through E-mail. I met them through writing. They are all women, and so am I. A long time ago, I made a rule: No ongoing e-mail friendships with men, unless they are gay or associated with a film critics organization of which I'm a member. <P>I am very open about my e-mail ladies with my H, and if he has a problem with it, he ain't talking. Of course, one is a lesbian, and I guess that mucks up the works a bit... I've even cut off ongoing correspondence with a MB-er, for just that reason. I have offered my e-mail passwords to my H, which he has declined.<P>If your W is in need of friends, there's no reason why her online circle can't be women. You are right, this isn't just innocent, especially if she's placing personal ads.

Well, thanks guys for the advice. I need to develop a plan of action. I am not new to this site and I really felt that I was meeting her needs (especially communication) but I guess I need to go back and re-evaluate this situation. We really have been doing well and of course we have ups and downs once in a blue moon. We haven't had an argument since last October!! She was so angry when I confronted her and she very bluntly put it to me that:<BR>1. She is an adult and has the right to have friends of both sexes.<BR>2. She wouldn't and hasn't ever cheated on me or even wanted to because she values our marriage and what we have together.<BR>I believe her 98%....but as someone put it earlier, she is playing with fire and anything unexpected could happen. I know how single men are- I was once one. And of course the man wants to be friends with a woman whether she is married or not. As long as he has a chance to get her in the sack. I'm not trying to generalize my fellow men out there, but it happens alot in this world. She feels that I'm treating her like a child and she doesn't want me to control her, well I'm not....I just don't approve of her having all these male friends on the internet when she has ME!!!! I will be very patient during this and continue to monitor the messages even though it's against my principles. Luckily I have this guys e-mail address and name...(the one who lives too close for comfort) and if it gets out of hand I will have to confront the jerk. The hard part is for me to act natural and to try harder to meet her needs and maybe this will all go away. Any more advice is always welcome!!!!

Hey Tx...<P>Only 'half' serious here....but if you know her email address or chat name, why don't you start up an "internet-relationship with her" and get to know her all over again! :-)<P>Remember the old song about "pinacaladas", and how the two married folks took out a personal ad unknown to each other...and then when they planned to meet their new love, they ended up meeting each other. IT's a great song in some ways. <P>Anyway...might be fun as long as you don't take advantage of the situation. I might get rocked for this idea...but why not try it? <P>:-)<BR>

You know, NoMas, you may be on to something, except that Fiddler's W may think he's setting up a trap.<P>Fiddler, what your W said gives you something about which to do some soul-searching. Are you controlling? Don't just say no, look carefully. Because inside every one of these "inappropriate friendships" is a kernel of information that's useful to the BS. <P>What your W is doing certainly SOUNDS like a rebellion/freedom thing; does she have anything against which to rebel?<P>What your W doesn't understand is that even if she THINKS she's perfectly happy with your marriage, the fact that she's looking for male friendship and attention means something is wrong. And internet flirtation can escalate very quickly, no matter how much we think we can control it. ANY kind of flirtation can escalate. <P>There is some sort of problem in your marriage that your W probably can't yet identify. Why else seek male friends over the Internet? As I said, I have many "internet friends", but I never sought them out via chat rooms and such; I met all of them through my online writing projects. And yes, I've had men write me and say things like, "You must be a very special lady to be able to write male characters like this. You really understand men." Then they go off into their troubled marriages and how they're looking for something. <P>Needless to say, I've written back politely declining any interest and suggesting that their energies would be better spent in wooing their wives -- and referring them here for more assistance. .<P>I heard indirectly recently from one of them, who wrote to a friend of mine. He is still with his W and things are improving. <P>That intense "pen-pal" relationship I had was with someone who was highly manipulative, and knew exactly what buttons to push. Your W may run into guys like this and find herself over her head before she realizes what's happening.<P>I think you should take it one step at a time. Try to find things you can do together to take her away from the computer. Look inside yourself for controlling things you're doing. Obviously she sees your confronation as a desire to control. <P>Your situation is a PERFECT candidate for the kind of Plan A that gets results. In my case, the "friend" was a co-worker, and what my H lacked was attention and nurturing. But if you'd asked him, he'd have said we had a great marriage. He didn't even KNOW that he was missing something at home; all he knew was that he was drawn to this other person (and denied most of that). I had very fast results with changing my behavior. I have confidence you will too.<p>[This message has been edited by Dazed and Confused (edited July 21, 2000).]

re: ". She wouldn't and hasn't ever cheated on me or even wanted to because she values our marriage and what we have together."<P>I found out after my husband's internet EA and the more recent one with a coworker that he doesn't consider it "cheating". Your wife may have a different definition of cheating than you. Now may be a good time for you to compare what each other thinks. Does she look forward to spending time with this person more than she looks forward to your company? Some people don't think they are doing anything wrong unless it gets physical. Of course, they are so very wrong, as many people on this site know. Hope this helps!<BR>

Total red flag on this one! My husband's online relationship started out as a friendship - someone he could share his feelings and thoughts. The more he did this with her, the less he did it with me and they met twice in another city. (Two hour flight to get there!) My husband fell in love with her! Ouch! Dday was almost three months ago, he hasn't had contact with her for over a month and he's home with me "trying" to work it out. He's still confused and last night said he just doesn't know what he wants in life period!! My husband was not getting his needs fulfilled at home, I was not the best Wife at that time either, but the more he connected online, the less he connected with me and then of course broke our vows.<BR>That's my story - take it for what it's worth to you. Good luck my friend.