Although the title should be "the things ya do for the FEELING of love" as it was not TRUE love in the end.<P>I have been pondering this over the past few months.<P>A few details about me.....................<P>I believe in God and considered myself a Christian when the whole mess with the OM happened.<P>I do not like to hear people swear, especially in front of, or at children.<P>I totally hate the smell of smoke. It gives me a headache and lingers in clothing and hair.<P>I do not drink alcohol.<P>I believe a man and a woman should be treated equally in a marriage and be a team.<P>A few details about the OM...................<P>He does not believe in God. <P>He swore in practically every sentence he said. Also swore at his children.<P>He was a chain smoker.<P>He drank alcohol.<P>He was very controlling of his wife. Also told me what he expected of a wife. Spoke of what his wife was and was not allowed to do.<P>Why was I so willing to give up everything I believed in and overlook certain ideals just for the way this man made me feel.<P>Was I that desperate for that feeling I wasn't getting at home. <P>If things had progressed further with this man, what else would I have thrown by the wayside. <P>Kind of scary to think about!

Very Scary! I felt the same way about my XOM. I'm glad you made that list! It really does say it all, and that sometimes, it just makes no sense. We're willing to give up everything for what? I made a mental list like that one time, and every time I start doubting my marriage and the love I have for my H, I kind of go back to that list. My XOM was not a monster, but he definitely didn't have some of the same values I had. <P>One biggie: He said one time "It isn't cheating unless they find out."<P>Second biggie: "Why don't you want to go out with me - is it the age factor." No you idiot, it was the marriage factor. <P>I wish I would have recognized those flaws in the beginning!

The XOM in my situation originated as an online friend. When things got more serious he wanted to meet. I kept telling him I didn't want to until my H was moved out and the divorce was taken care of.<P>That is when he said "your marriage is already over, and your certificate at this point is only a piece of paper".<P>I met with him a few weeks later.<P>I KNEW better than to think it was just a piece of paper. Why didn't I rely on my own opinion and instincts.<P>Something else that the XOM did was get very upset with his wife whom he thought was cheating on him at the same time he was cheating with me. <P>With her (to him), it was called cheating, but with us it was not. Double standard,huh.<P>He went to her work where his wifes OM was supposed to be showing up and threatened him.<P>When my H found out about the affair, I promised to tell the OM when he came online again. <P>Once this happened the OM bolted. He has no idea if my H and I were going to try to work things out or if my marriage was definitely over. He didn't stay on line long enough for an explaination of what I intended to do. So I was left holding the bag of doing all the explaining of everything by myself.<P>Guess that proved how much the OM really loved me huh. But even at that I still held out hope for a few weeks that he was just scared and would return to fight for me. <P>I am so glad he didn't. I don't need a coward like that in my life, and it gave me time to see that my H was very serious about making our marriage better. <P>I am not trying to pass blame to the OM and say it was his fault that I had an affair. I am just saying that my way of thinking was altered by his words to me and I should have, and actually did, know better. <P>I liked the way he made me feel in those few months prior to being exposed. I wish I could have been stronger and not felt I needed HIM in order for me to feel loved.<P>Why can't foresight be 20/20. I could have saved myself and H a lot of grief. Now my marriage has been tarnished forever because of my weakness. <p>[This message has been edited by trying to rebuild (edited July 21, 2000).]