Hi everyone, I am very sad, I have been fighting to stay in my marriage since I found out that my husband of 30 years had an affair with a younger woman. Tonight really hit me bad, we had a good night out with friends, which we normally do on friday nights. But I have to tell you when I go out with my husband I feel that I am not part of the picture he spends most of his time looking around, seeking out anyone but me, just my feeling not sure that is true but that is how I feel. When we came home he told me that he basically wanted to do you know what because he owed me for times that I helped him. Don't want to really get into it but anyways, I started crying and told him that I wanted him to make love to me because he wanted to not because he felt that he owed me. He got very mad and said that I made things up about him looking at other people and not spending time with me when we were out. This is sooo true, I feel that sometimes he is not even sure that I am there anymore because he gets so wrapped up in looking at other people that he forgets where he is. Not sure this doesn't happen to other people. I truly hate this, this is one reason I don't want to got anywhere with him, this would be time better spent alone. He got really mad at me and told me that I was trying to start a fight with him, that he considered this my friday night massacre, we have our worst fights on friday nights. I told him that I was very hurt by what he said and that if he wanted to make love to me it should have been because he wanted to and not that he felt that he owed mesomething. I was so hurt and devestated that I wanted to die I thought how awful was this. I just wanted to die. We have been struggling for eight months since his affair and I have had some angry outbursts but since reading Dr. Harley's book I have decided that I would not do that anymore that I would try to settle things honestly and tell my spouse how I felt but you know that does not work in our relationship, he becomes defensive and doesn't want to listen because he feels like I am starting trouble. I have had it and I want to leave and I just don't know what to do. Please help, I am at my wits end and I really am beside myself, no matter what I try I fail. He doesn't believe that I am not trying to start trouble only trying to be honest. Is there anyone else out there that is going through this same problem. I want to leave him and start my life over because I truly feel like he really does not love me the way I want to be loved, he is not passionate, etc. Please help, I feel that I am drowning

Hi Peaceful:<P>Sorry everyone's so busy tonight they can't help you, but sometimes you can read a post and just don't know what to say to help.<P>I was on my way to bed, I'll try anyway. <P>First a little background. My H had an affair five years ago, he came back after 6 months, stayed 1 year, left again for 3 months, I took him back because he had serious health problems, now after 3 years he is gone again. All of this with the same OW.<P>I can remember when H came back first time, we tried to do more activities together. We tried square-dancing, country-dancing, etc. but my husband never liked it. <P>But there was a subtle change in him. It seemed he was freed from the idea that I was the only woman in the world...it's strange to explain...but he was friendly to women...clerks, waitresses, friends, all women...as if he just woken up and found out there were other women...and that other women were attractive to him. This is what the affair did to him.<P>All this attention shifting off of me as his only interest was unnerving...unsettling to me. Made me very unsure of myself...and of him. <P>I think this is what is going on here. Like us, your husband had been married a long time and I quess his need for attention had just been asleep. All of a sudden, he was getting it from OW and he didn't want it to stop. The affair ended, but the need didn't.<BR>Now he must get it where he can.<P>Because of the affair, you are doubly in need of reassurance of his love and he certainly is not giving you what you need.<P>Its not unusual for a H coming down from an affair to not want to work on restoring his marriage...even for long period of time...maybe its withdrawal, not just from the affair, but from the fantasy of the affair and the way it made him feel.<P>You do not make him feel that way anymore although he feels obligated to you...hence the obligatory sex. A bond has been broken...a bond that will take a lot of work to restore. You will probably need to do some work assessing his EN and then trying to meet those need through a good Plan A.<P>If you haven't read "Surviving An Affair" you need to get a copy and read it.<P>Also you need to consider some counseling with the Harleys to help you better understand and to help you in preparing the best Plan A.<P>Your lucky though that your H is at home.<BR>Get busy while you still have the chance and maybe some day he'll want to "make love" to you again...to you and only you.<P>Come back and let us know what happens.<P>Buffy <P>

Welcome <B>peaceful_4</B>...<P>I'm not sure what kind of responses you've gotten earlier...<BR>...or how much of the Harley material you've read/understood.<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>When you get into a rut through any kind of recovery effort you need support...<BR>...we're here (but please remember... weekends at the forum are usually <B>S L O W</B>)<P>Are you in counseling?<BR>Are both of you in counseling?<P>When stagnation occurs...<BR>...have a third party push you both a little can help!<P>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>If you H won't join you in counsling...<BR>...go it alone! ...but start soon!<P>Prayers for you!<P> <P>Jim

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>