I posted this in "just found out" as well. Figured I'd better cover a few bases to get a response...<P>Married 3 years. One child from one of her earlier mistakes. About 6 months ago, she told me something was wrong...that she didn't<BR>feel the same way any more, that we were too different, not compatible, etc, etc, etc. You know the drill. <BR>Just found out that W has found her"true soul mate." He's an old friend from high school.<BR>After not seeing each other for 14 years, suddenly a few weekends together is worth<BR>more than "In the presence of Almighty God and these witnesses." <P>He's going through D, and has two kids.<P>Now, she's telling me that she NEVER REALLY LOVED ME! See, I came to her after she<BR>had a 6-year abusive relationship. She went looking for a "nice guy" to settle down with,<BR>buy a house, get a dog...you know, American Dream stuff. That's where I came in. I propped up her severely damaged self-esteem at every possiblity. I was the polar opposite of the abuser, so she thought she could love me. <BR> However, now she says she knew something was wrong from day one, but at each turning point (moving in together, engagement, wedding, house, vasectomy!), she would tell herself that she was doing the "right thing," and that she could have a nice life if she just kept her mouth shut about her feelings. <BR>So now I'm faced with this dilemma: how much effort should I put into "Plan A?" She's<BR>already planning to move out soon. OM is in another state, but she'll definitely want to stay in touch. Since I confronted her about OM, she's been "confused" about her feelings. Now she wants another month or so before we start D proceedings. She says she never felt<BR>like she loved me the way I "should" be loved, but I've never even questioned my feelings for her until now.<BR>I want to do Plan A, but how do I get someone to love me "again" when the feeling was<BR>never really there?

cjack,<BR>Hi. I'm glad you found this place. There is invaluable information here and it will help you to understand much of the confusion. Just keep posting and use this time to increase your level of knowledge where relationships are concerned. Read everything you can get your hands on.<P>You ask how you can geet her to love you if she never did anyway? By meeting her emotional needs. Read the concepts by Dr.Harley and check out the bookstore. <P>Fill out the emotional needs questionaire. Read all sections here. <P>Make your w interactions with you as pleasant as possible. Don't allow her to associate any negative stress with you. <P>Good luck and Pray! Tess

Thanks Tess. I've read all there is to read on the site, and I'll look to the books as well. <BR>As for meeting her EN's, I thought I was doing that! How wrong I turned out to be. <P>I've told her about this site, and I hope she is willing to use it. This weekend she has gone off to see the OM and "have a long talk" with him. She says she may break it off, but after a couple more days of him filling her up with Love Units, I'm not counting on anything.<P>Thanks again!

cjack-<P>I feel your frustration. I do not have confirmation on if my W has OM. Those who have responded to my postings have told me to be prepared for the worst, she shows all the signs. <P>My W is saying all the things your W has said to you. The kicker was my W using "...I think I'm going through a selfish phase...". What happened to wedding vows and commitment?!<P>I'll be watching the responses to your posting to get insight into my own situation.<P>All the best<p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]

I feel your pain!<P>I became suspicious over a few photos. She was with the OM, and she looked really happy...even more so than in our wedding photos! I asked her about the pics. She said "oh, that's just Steve, he's an old friend." Yeah, right! Anyway, I'm ashamed to say I read her e-mail. I wouldn't have done that, but every time she was on the computer, she got real antsy when I walked in the office, like she didn't want me to read her e-mail. She spent long hours talking on her cell phone on the back porch, where I couldn't hear. I finally checked her e-mail. She had changed her password, deleted all her new mail, emptied the trash, but failed to delete the sent mail file...busted!<P>When I found this I confronted her, but mentioned nothing about the e-mail I had read. She lied to my face so convincingly I think I would've believed her if not for what she had written! She denied her affair up and down. Later that evening I began quoting her e-mail verbatim. I don't recommend that approach!<P>I hate to tell you this, but if she's given you reason to think she's being unfaithful, then she's been doing things you never imagined, for a lot longer than you think.<P>

<BR>"I hate to tell you this, but if she's given you reason to think she's being unfaithful, then she's been doing things you never imagined, for a lot longer than you think."<P>We've only been married a little over a year and I can't believe this is happening. I just wish I could find the smoking gun so that I can end this torment. <P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P><p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]

Anncecero2, go to webroot.com and get a keystroke logger (winguardian), it will tell you everything she does on the computer.

I don't have much advice to give your, just wanted to let your know that you are notalone. My H has said most of the same things to me. He is having an affair that he still denies.<P>I too will be keeping up with replies to your post looking for insight to my situation.<P>Keep up the Plan A and I will be thinking of you.

"When I found this I confronted her, but mentioned nothing about the e-mail I had read. She lied to my face so convincingly I think I would've believed her if not for what she had written! She denied her affair up and down. Later that evening I began quoting her e-mail verbatim."<P>Well I asked her point-blank and she says their is no one else. I have absolutely nothing but her word to go one, considering she is 1200 miles away. <P>The "evidence" that something is wrong could be explained many different ways, which would also explain her strange behavior towards me. I may be fooling myself or putting my head in the sand but as my mother told me recently, if she is having an affair everything will eventually come out. That is not something that stays a secret for long if you are aware of what is going on around you. <P>This holds especially true in the classical music world. Everyone is connected by a friend-of-a-friend, so news travels fast. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by anncicero2 (edited July 23, 2000).]

It's a confusing time for everybody. People say things they don't mean. They say things they think they mean, but realize later how delusional their thinking was. They don't say things they should be saying. (sigh) What is a person to do!<P>I think she's wise in suggesting giving it some time. Things have just blown up and neither of you can see clearly for all the smoke. Let things settle down. Do a Plan A in the meantime, and see where things are in a couple months or so.<P>The things your wife says may have some truth. Maybe she feels some guilt in not being worthy of you. Maybe she's never felt like she deserved you. If she's not really dealt with her abusive past, this may be some residual stuff from that. One thing that is clear, the two of you need counseling.<P>Take things one step at a time. Start Plan A immediately. This is not necessarily for reconciliation, but it will help you whether you decide there is any love between you or not. <P>Get some counseling. And take it one day at a time. Commit to giving it X number of months before making a decision. Time changes everything.<P>Good luck.

Thanks to all who posted! This is really great. I've latched onto a support system here, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I have literally no where else to turn.<BR> In my family, divorce was not an option. If things keep going the way they look like they're going, I will be only the second member of my generation to go through D. Literally no one in my family can relate to a failed marriage!<BR> I have a few divorced male friends, but their main focus is "how can we help you get even with that *****?" <P>She has it a little easier. She can call up her mom (divorced), her dad (divorced), her step-dad (divorced), her friend at work (divorced), the OM (divorcing), etc. Do we see a pattern?! <P>Thanks again, and I'll keep you posted!<BR>