W and I have had a very rocky recovery from her affair and basically our past marriage in general. I have tried everything I know of to make her happy and want to be with me. MB counseling was getting us nowhere cause I could not see the 'want to' in her. She says she does but does not know how. Says she loves me but not like I want her to and can't provide as much as I need right now. I'm guilty of pushing her, ever wanting more. I have been missing her love for so long that when she gives me a little, I just push for more. Now it seems I have pushed her out the door. We are in what she calls a trial separation. She says she needs some space and time to see if she really does want to keep trying. Says she is getting out of my hair so that I won't be so frustrated with her. She feels she can do nothing right for me cause if she does one thing, I complain about something else, so her body tells her to stop everything. Thus, we are separated and I miss her terribly, along with missing my 2 yr. old son. Questions: 1. Can this separation be a good thing for our recovery? 2. How do I handle it--to call or not to call, to ask her out or not--to let her come to me or to continue showing how much I love her? 3. Keep trying or just let go and start the papers? It is so confusing. I want our marriage but not like it was, always wondering what was missing in her life and her searching for it through another man. She says she wants it too, but does not know how. Simple advice on how to handle a separation, pleassssse. LHC

Darlin', the first thing you need to do is to take some DEEP BREATHS!!!<P>Calm down, slow down and just breath...<P>Separation can aid or hinder a recovery attempt depending on what YOU do with it.<P>Do you really want your wife and son home with you? Then you have to retrain yourself and stop pushing them away.<P>Whatever problems that led to her affair did not happen overnight did they? I am sure they didn't!! WHY would you think that all will be fixed overnight then?<P>You need to get ahold of yourself. And YOU CAN!!! IF you really want this.<P>What did you mean that MB counseling didn't work? Explain that more......<P>Did she speak with the Harleys? Have you done all your work? You are Lovebusting - so something is amiss!!!<P>This separation can be of great benefit to you.....it gives you the space to practice on your self-control and expectation level. It will also allow you to negate these "pushing" lovebusters you have been doing by refocusing all your "energy about hurrying up" into showing some consideration and understanding of HER feelings and needs.<P>How do you handle things like calling, etc.....?<P>Well, if I were you....I would start small. Perhaps a planned time to talk with your son......do not pester your wife with anything. Let her lead when it comes to speaking to you.<P>See how that goes....be nice, NO QUESTIONS about where she is at in her thinking, feeling, etc. LET HER BREATH, TOO!!!!!<P>If things go smoothly, then in a couple of weeks, I would send her a letter saying that you have realized how heavy-handed you were with your pushing and such and apologize for it. Explain how you love her and are sorry that it took her affair to open your eyes about your part in the marital breakdown, that it really threw you off balance and how you tried to overcompensate and just ended up pushing. Then add that you truly want to do all that you can to learn how to be a good husband and how certain you are that you and her can create the perfect partnership if you both work together.......<P>Stuff like that.......<P>BUT you have to get your emotions caught up with those ideas!!!!<P>Hope this helps....YOU have the power over YOU!!!! NOT HER.....<P>Lead the way correctly with your attitude and actions.<P>Hope this helps....now BREATH!!!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LHC2:<BR><B>Says she is getting out of my hair so that I won't be so frustrated with her. She feels she can do nothing right for me cause if she does one thing, I complain about something else, so her body tells her to stop everything. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just have a second here, but it sounds to me like you never gave any sort of Plan A a realistic chance. Read the literature here, get back in the same house, and start acting in a manner that will make her fall in love with you again!<P>Sounds easy, right? Do it! <BR>